Help me figure this out

LegacyUser

I've thought long and hard about posting this because its not a massive problem in the greater scheme of things but its an issue that's chewing me up so much that I have to write about it and get some perspective on it.

I'm 33, female, professional,single. Personality wise I'm quiet shy, introverted but friendly when you get to know me, I'd go out of my way to help people when it's needed, in some ways I'm probably too nice. I'm reasonably intelligent, work in a challenging profession (especially for women) and would say I'm generally well liked. My appearance .....well I would say I'm an attractive woman ( not stunning or amazing) but I do get complimented occasionally by people outside my general social circle. I'm often called pretty. I'm a curvy size 10. The problem is that I get practically zero attention from men. I've had one short term relationship which ended years ago but nothing since. I've tried to understand why this is the case but can't come up with an explanation. When I'm out in a bar or club I'm never the girl guys want to talk to. I've lost count of the times I've been out in a bar with a friend chatting when a guy comes over to talk to "us" and after five minutes of chatting realises that said friend (different ones on different occasions) is either taken or not interested whereupon he turns on his heel off to chat to somebody else. This is despite me making an effort to talk and show interest in him but it never is reciprocated. I do my best to appear approachable without appearing totally daft, once or twice I even tried to initiate a conversation with a guy with no response.

I've tried online dating with zero success... The ones I made contact with showed minimal interest and the few that contacted me were either very strange, had practically no English or were a good bit older. I've joined clubs (because I had an interest in the activity not to meet men) but nothing has come of that either. I know people say that men have different types but I don't seem to be anyone's type .....either casually or for something more long term. I made a lot of effort with my appearance in recent years ( losing weight and orthodontic treatment) but it seems to have made no difference. So what to do? How do I figure out where I'm going wrong?

maria34

About online dating - are you maybe too fussy? I just cant believe theres nothing for you there, sure its a big choice.

kob29

I can totally empathise with you OP. No solution for you but I too wish that people would realise that online dating is not the magic cure all for singletons to find something on to settle for. I have had the very same experience with it as you detail and add to that oodles of lies and unrepresentative pictures.

December2012

How is your confidence OP?

Xidu

What kind of clothes do you wear when you go out? Do you wear make up? Do you wear too much make up?

Roselm

Lonleygirlneedsadvice wrote: »

I've thought long and hard about posting this because its not a massive problem in the greater scheme of things but its an issue that's chewing me up so much that I have to write about it and get some perspective on it.

I'm 33, female, professional,single. Personality wise I'm quiet shy, introverted but friendly when you get to know me, I'd go out of my way to help people when it's needed, in some ways I'm probably too nice. I'm reasonably intelligent, work in a challenging profession (especially for women) and would say I'm generally well liked. My appearance .....well I would say I'm an attractive woman ( not stunning or amazing) but I do get complimented occasionally by people outside my general social circle. I'm often called pretty. I'm a curvy size 10. The problem is that I get practically zero attention from men. I've had one short term relationship which ended years ago but nothing since. I've tried to understand why this is the case but can't come up with an explanation. When I'm out in a bar or club I'm never the girl guys want to talk to. I've lost count of the times I've been out in a bar with a friend chatting when a guy comes over to talk to "us" and after five minutes of chatting realises that said friend (different ones on different occasions) is either taken or not interested whereupon he turns on his heel off to chat to somebody else. This is despite me making an effort to talk and show interest in him but it never is reciprocated. I do my best to appear approachable without appearing totally daft, once or twice I even tried to initiate a conversation with a guy with no response.

I've tried online dating with zero success... The ones I made contact with showed minimal interest and the few that contacted me were either very strange, had practically no English or were a good bit older. I've joined clubs (because I had an interest in the activity not to meet men) but nothing has come of that either. I know people say that men have different types but I don't seem to be anyone's type .....either casually or for something more long term. I made a lot of effort with my appearance in recent years ( losing weight and orthodontic treatment) but it seems to have made no difference. So what to do? How do I figure out where I'm going wrong?

This was me for years but now am in a lovely relationship. I can identify with pretty much everything youve said.
I am of a similar personality type to you and put my lack of success down to that...without being able to do much about it!
I think people can tell what personality type I have before they talk to me. I think I probably look a little less open and smiley than others and therefore Im more of a gamble than my smiley, relaxed, chatty, up-for-fun friends who would talk to anyone cuz sure why not and not necessarily with any attempt to hook up.Friends who dont MAKE themselves talk to people or decide to,it just happens cuz they were standing beside the person and it just happened.
Any help?! I think thats the "why" just not sure what you can do about it!!

LegacyUser

maria34 wrote: »

About online dating - are you maybe too fussy? I just cant believe theres nothing for you there, sure its a big choice.

Hi Op here, thanks for your comments. Re online dating I'm not sure why you think I'm being fussy, my experience of it was that I had plenty of nice decent types of guys viewing my profile but no follow up email. The ones that contacted me were as I have described them, they didn't tick any box for me, not in terms of personality (no personal info/hobbies/passtimes included in profile), not in terms of physical attraction (a lot of guys very out of shape with pictures of them boozing in a bar), not in my age range (at least 8 to 10 years older). I value myself way too much to try and force a connection with any of these types. Nothing wrong with them just not compatible with me. Anyway that's me done with OD for good.

Re appearance I would wear skinny jeans/top or fitted 50's style dresses. I wear subtly applied makeup. Don't wear fake tan cause I've a slightly sallow appearance so don't really need it.

Re my confidence I would say that I have a "quiet" confidence, happy in my own skin for the most part. However the overwhelming lack if interest from men has battered any confidence I have in the last few years. This has manifested itself as increasing sadness on a day to day basis. The fact that I don't seem to appeal to men in that way has deeply affected my sense of femininity. I'm not looking for validation or praise but physical appearance seems to be hugely important to men which makes me think il never get to experience any intimacy/possible relationship because I don't look acceptable

Xidu

Maybe it's not your problem. Sometimes men could be lack of confidence in front of a pretty woman. They assume you should have a boyfriend already. I remember I had a very pretty classmate, she complained that no man dare to ask her out becoz she is too pretty. they r afraid of being turned down.

Paddy Cow

Op maybe you come across as quiet or not interested. This is not a criticism but if a man is looking to hook up in a bar/club they will usually go for the more out going women as there is more of a chance of them succeeding.

Creasy_bear

Xidu wrote: »

Maybe it's not your problem. Sometimes men could be lack of confidence in front of a pretty woman. They assume you should have a boyfriend already. I remember I had a very pretty classmate, she complained that no man dare to ask her out becoz she is too pretty. they r afraid of being turned down.

This^

If you're pretty a lot of lads won't bother with you as A - they'll think they have no chance or B - they'll think you're a complete bitch ( as you're pretty but you're single )
I know a stunning girl who couldn't get a guy for years. She only attracted two types of lads. Lads that were pissed and thought they were the mutts nuts or just aholes that just thought they were good looking and could pull any bird. I explained this to her, I told she needs to approach the fella. She's now going out with some lad for the last few months.

I'm a fcuking legend.

maria34

Xidu wrote: »

Maybe it's not your problem. Sometimes men could be lack of confidence in front of a pretty woman. They assume you should have a boyfriend already. I remember I had a very pretty classmate, she complained that no man dare to ask her out becoz she is too pretty. they r afraid of being turned down.

Yes that can be the reason. Men tend to think that goodlooking girls have a partner already. You would think the same about a goodlooking las aswell.

Gannicus

I felt the same as you sometimes. But the feeling will pass. You need to focus more on doing things to make yourself happy and growing your confidence. Do some things that will scare the bejaysus out of you and show you that you don't have to be scared or self concious and this added confidence will show and reflect itself in your romantic life.

maria34 wrote: »

About online dating - are you maybe too fussy? I just cant believe theres nothing for you there, sure its a big choice.

It may not be that you are too fussy. I've tried online dating in the past and from man's perspective I have found a lot of girls (no offence ladies) have either too much or too little in their descriptions.

It's a very fine line to walk in the online dating world for men or women when you are filling in the interests/description/hobby/looking for, section.

kob29 wrote: »

I too wish that people would realise that online dating is not the magic cure all for singletons to find something on to settle for.

I know it's a not a magic potion to cure loneliness but it does help as a pseudo-social circle so I wouldn't rule it out entirely. I've met people out at parties through friends and online there is no one solution and neither is better than the other but don't exclude one for the sake of some (for lack of a better term) failures.

Maybe change dating sites. You said you've tried going to events or taking part in groups you have an interest in. Have you tried opening a dialogue with people in the groups by either chatting to them during the activity or maybe suggesting a quick drink/coffee after its over.

Gannicus

Creasy_bear wrote: »

This^

If you're pretty a lot of lads won't bother with you as A - they'll think they have no chance

I agree. I have tend to sometimes shy away from the women I find quite atttractive regardless of interests etc as I think they might not be interested in me aesthetically. You may be encountering this and not even realise it.

Colonel Panic

Lonleygirlneedsadvice wrote: »

Re online dating I'm not sure why you think I'm being fussy, my experience of it was that I had plenty of nice decent types of guys viewing my profile but no follow up email.

Having done the online dating thing, I've looked at the profiles of women I've been very interested in and agonised over a witty message to send. It's exhausting! I wouldn't take it personally, maybe try to take the initiative?

daisybelle2008

Lonleygirlneedsadvice wrote: »

Hi Op here, thanks for your comments. Re online dating I'm not sure why you think I'm being fussy, my experience of it was that I had plenty of nice decent types of guys viewing my profile but no follow up email. The ones that contacted me were as I have described them, they didn't tick any box for me, not in terms of personality (no personal info/hobbies/passtimes included in profile), not in terms of physical attraction (a lot of guys very out of shape with pictures of them boozing in a bar), not in my age range (at least 8 to 10 years older). I value myself way too much to try and force a connection with any of these types. Nothing wrong with them just not compatible with me. Anyway that's me done with OD for good. e

OP did you actually contact any of the guys you thought we're nice on OD. I may be misinterpreting your post, but it sounds like you may have not initiated any contact yourself which is kind of unreasonable. Ditto on nights out, why should it be always up to the guys to have to do this?

Emme

OP, I was in the same situation as you when I was in my early 30s. The problem with online dating is that a good proportion of people on it aren't really looking for relationships.

If you are looking for a serious relationship with a view to settling down and having children I wouldn't waste time. Try a professional matchmaking service (I think there's one called matchmaker.ie) and I think they run dating/socialising events as well. What age range are you looking to date? You said you wouldn't consider guys 8 to 10 years older but guys in their early 40s who want children would see you as being very eligible as they don't date women their own age. You really should give guys who are a bit older than you a chance.

fungun

The ones that contacted me were as I have described them, they didn't tick any box for me, not in terms of personality (no personal info/hobbies/passtimes included in profile), not in terms of physical attraction (a lot of guys very out of shape with pictures of them boozing in a bar), not in my age range (at least 8 to 10 years older). I value myself way too much to try and force a connection with any of these types.......

.......The fact that I don't seem to appeal to men in that way has deeply affected my sense of femininity. I'm not looking for validation or praise but physical appearance seems to be hugely important to men which makes me think il never get to experience any intimacy/possible relationship because I don't look acceptable

I empathise with your problem OP and it can be easy to try and see it as a vague problem when it may not be. Work with me for a minute here!

You rejected the suggestion that you may be too fussy. Just re-read the paragraphs above - you have rejected guys because (a) they didnt have the right amount of hobby info in their profile (b) not good looking enough (c) 8-10 years older, which isnt that much. Then 2 paragraphs later you complain that you dont appeal to men and physical appearance is hugely important for men. Can you see the flaw here...it sounds like you have rejected them for quite trivial reasons actually.

Now this may not be all-encompassing, but it sounds to me from your description that actually quite a lot of men got in touch with you when you were online dating, but you rejected them all. Which is not at all the same thing as you not being attractive to men....and yet, because you werent attracted to them you dont seem to have internalised this as 'men actually did find me attractive....just not the kind of man i want'

Since this happened during online dating and you didnt detect it, I wonder how many of your other experiences may be the same? Where you are feeling he is not attracted to you but actually he is, but maybe you have somehow given off rejection signs so he hasnt followed through with it. A lot of men would be like this - they might come up to chat, read the tea leaves a bit, and if they arent getting positive vibes, just slink away - i know thats what im like! So maybe you just arent giving out those positive vibes.

Its just a thought, may or may not be true - impossible to tell from a forum post, but i think its worth thinking about. Either way, best of luck, hope it works out for you.

LegacyUser

Hi op here, thought I'd better clarify a few things.

Firstly I should point out a few things. I have in the recent past expressed interest in guys but with no success, in particular two different friends of friends but with no success on either score. I contacted two guys online by email, got a polite response and that was it. It's not that I am dismissing guys on these websites it's just the very many guys who viewed my profile never followed up with an email so I can only take it that they didn't like what they saw. I was online for three months and received an average of 3 emails a week which is contrary to the myth that women receive an avalanche of mail. Of the ones who contacted me about 50% were foreign with very poor english, the remaining 50% were mails from guys who had NO information whatsoever in their profile, or had a grainy picture with no info about what they did, or what their interests were, some had no photo or profile info and the rest were looking for NSA or were married. There was one or two that had potential as possible friendships rather than relationships but I was reluctant to mention to them as they might have taken it the wrong way. As for what I want? I would certainly date a man up to the age of 40, no problems there. If a guy over 40 was in good shape/appearance and was friendly, chatty with similar interests to me then definitely I would consider dating him. I'd also date a guy that was separated/divorced. The only thing I won't compromise is on dating someone with a kid/s but that's for practical reasons more than anything else. Re the matchmaking dont think something I would ever give serious thought to, seems way too forced to me but maybe it works for others.

Fungun I'm not sure what to take from your post to be honest......I don't think I'm being unreasonable to want a guy that I find attractive with a similar outlook in life to me. Just cause a guy sees me as eligible doesn't mean I should marry him on the spot if the feeling isn't mutual. I think for me it's the lack of interest in the "real" world that has me stumped. Like I said I often chat away to guys when they come over but it tends to stagnate after 5 minutes or so with me wondering where I went wrong.Short of jumping on the guy I can't see how I can communicate my interest anymore than I already have been doing. And more often than not guys don't approach me at all ( I would be of the opinion, old fashioned or not that if a guy wants you he will chase). I've never had a guy ask me for my number and at this stage I feel it's never going to happen. I just don't know how to fix this short of having major cosmetic surgery maybe?

December2012

What about if you contacted guys you were interested in?

Instead of waiting to be chatted up/ emailed you could be proactive in looking for what you want.

fungun

I guess what Im saying is it sounds like you havent had a 'match' where you have clicked with someone. It sounds like the guys you have been interested in might not have been interested in you; and the ones who were interested in you, you were not interested in!

But you have internalised this as 'guys dont fancy me' and talk about plastic surgery. Guys *do* seem to like you, but I guess you have just been unlucky....and what I was poking at is that people have ranges of 'pickiness'...clearly the more picky you are the lower the odds are that you will 'click' as you are looking for the 1 man in the room to click with you rather than one of the 10 men in the room to click with you.

So id keep your chin up, keep doing the right things and hope it happens. Getting demoralised makes things worse and I doubt if something like plastic surgery would help...it genuinely doesnt sound like the physical attraction bit is your problem. If your conversations with guys tend to stagnate after 5 minutes, perhaps you could practice this, think of conversation topics ahead of time and practice with some guys that you dont fancy so you are more ready when a guy you do like comes along.

Sorry if my initial post came across unclear, was meant to be supportive

LegacyUser

We'll the plastic surgery comment was said in jest ....as I said (with a dose of humility) I am an attractive woman, it's just that I can't reconcile that the fact that I'm fairly secure in that aspect of who I am ( as well as personality and smarts) and the limited interest from men..

I look around me and see many average woman no better than me in happy relationships and wonder where I've gone astray. I'm not a troll, I'm not mean, I'm a good conversationalist and I still get zero interest from men. I just feel sometimes guys are looking for the hottest woman in the room than the one that shows interest in them and this is, as you can imagine extremely frustrating on my part. I guess I have to continue being more proactive and hope the right guy comes along

Neyite

Op, have you tried not dating for a while - as in, just concentrating on widening your social circle of male and female for a few months and see where it takes you. Thats how it worked for me. Nearly all of my relationships evolved from a friend of a friend or through working alongside someone and meeting their friends. One was a nightclub meet and didnt last long at all. The love of my life was under my nose for years in the office and we only clicked in "that" way after we both had left the company and bumped into each other again.

I dont think that you ever meet the "real" person in a pub or club. And I think that online dating you have to cast a wide net and the odds on meeting someone that you both have that spark is slim.

beks101

Lonleygirlneedsadvice wrote: »

I just feel sometimes guys are looking for the hottest woman in the room than the one that shows interest in them and this is, as you can imagine extremely frustrating on my part. I guess I have to continue being more proactive and hope the right guy comes along

What type of guys are you attracted to OP? Do you go for very good looking, athletic, very confident and charismatic type of guys who generally attract a lot of female attention? Because to really generalize here, if this is the kind of man you find yourself falling for, chances are this kind of guy KNOWS he has lots of options and will seek out the "hottest woman in the room"

If I've learned one thing about men from my dating experiences though, it's that no two men are the same and you can never really predict what kind of girl any man will be attracted to. I've met men who I've been immediately attracted to & I've not even been on their radars and vice versa too. It's just the way it goes sometimes. TBH - that's what makes it exciting to me - the fact that you can't predict who will fancy you and will often be caught off-guard by who chats you up and asks you out.

What's your body language like? It's hard for any of us to pinpoint a "problem" without physically meeting you, but sometimes it can just be a general "vibe" that someone puts across. You say you're friendly & will chat away to a guy, but that could easily be "chatting away" in a benign, forgettable kind of way depending on body language - as if they're talking to a friend or relative. You want the man to notice your femininity and your sex appeal, to notice that you're a hot woman that he may have a chance with, as opposed to standing there talking about politics or the weather as you would with a neighbour.

Flirting is key. Lots of smiling, eye contact, projecting a playfulness about yourself, a willingness to laugh and poke fun at yourself /him. Touching his arm/hand/face at opportune moments, positioning yourself closer to him. These subtle things really matter and their absence can be the difference between you coming across as approachable and too "serious"

And finally, are there any men in your life whom you trust and could have an honest conversation about all this? It could be a friend, a brother's friend, a friend's boyfriend/husband. I think that kind of advice from a man who has seen how you interact socially could be very insightful for you.

(FYI it's not that scary, I did it years ago with a close male friend who told me a lot of his friends thought I was "hot" but wouldn't bother going near me because I seemed a bit "aloof" and "disinterested" - when I was really feeling the opposite, but just overcome by shyness)

Addle

beks101 wrote: »

Flirting is key.

This. I have great fun watching my friends socialising, all with a lot going for them, and the ones who flirt confidently have the success.

MoodeRator

Xidu wrote: »

Maybe it's not your problem. Sometimes men could be lack of confidence in front of a pretty woman. They assume you should have a boyfriend already. I remember I had a very pretty classmate, she complained that no man dare to ask her out becoz she is too pretty. they r afraid of being turned down.

It may seem far fetched to a lot of people but it is true to say this does occur an awful lot!
Your day WILL come as I honestly believe EVEREYONE is attactive to someone , whether that is by appearance or personality or both. GOOD LUCK

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Thanks for the advice. I'm encouraged (somewhat) by your comments so maybe I needn't give up hope forever. It's just something I can't figure out. It's so disheartening at times and I've wondered about the freedom in just letting this be. Part of me thinks that if I didn't appeal to men in my younger days what hope have I heading into my thirties. I have a very small social circle but to be honest nothing has happened through that to date so I've kinda written that off as a potential avenue anyway. Re chatting men up to be honest I wouldn't know where to start and don't think I'd be that comfortable doing it. Maybe send encouraging signs but not actually approach a guy, wouldn't have the confidence to do that. And besides I see loads of women who are approached and that's without even sending any signals! Also I'm attracted to lots of different types of guys, nothing specific really. I just find now that the average guy doesn't want the average girl anymore (or me in my case).

It has my head in a spin to be honest. About a year ago I was chatting to an older (married) guy about relationships and stuff. He asked me why I was single for so long. I replied that I really didn't know and he said " oh that's cause your rejecting them". I actually had no answer for him I was that upset. Like ive said i have never been asked for my number and ive never been asked on a date so there must something amiss. I don't even get to the stage of being chatted up cause guys don't approach and if they do its to talk to my friend So where do I go from here?

catallus

Would it be possible to have a heart to heart with a friend you particularly trust? You seem to be totally lost in regards to what the problem is, and as said above it could just be that you are deemed unapproachable by lots of guys because you're good-looking and confident. I know you came on here looking for help and I hope you find it, I'm just wondering if you've broached the subject with any friend in real life?

fungun

And besides I see loads of women who are approached and that's without even sending any signals!

I think this is the nub of the advice OP. You say other women get approached without sending out any signals....but everyone is constantly sending out signals! Whether thats a smile, eye contact, sexy clothing, a little touch, a flirty comment or whatever. You just might not reading that as 'a signal'.

Id almost suggest you go out for a night and 'think like a man'. Assume for a second that all the women in the room are equally attractive to you. Now, who would you pick to chat to....and why. And thats all to do with these subtle (or not-so-subtle!) signals that people give out about how receptive they are to being chatted to. And when you see the reasons why you might pick one woman over another to chat to, then analyse yourself against these signals and see if you might inadvertently be giving out rejection signals rather than encouraging signals.
Given that your friend suggested the same root cause, I think this might have some legs. Best of luck, chin up!

AJG

Firstly I'm a similar age but male. I've knocked dating on the head for awhile. But in regards to dating this is what I've found...

I spent about two years internet dating and probably went on upwards of 50-100 dates. From my experience (and I'll echo other posters responses) is that women are so bombarded with mails that they rarely go on the hunt themselves. Did you mail anyone or actively pursue them?

I found I had to spend hours generating traffic on my profile, sending mails, thinking of witty things to say, etc. I had a lot of dates and some short term relationships but I probably had to spend about 20 hours a week on the site in order to get any dates at all. I can't in all that time recall anyone mailing me with anything worthwhile other than, 'How U Hun?' type of stuff

In regards the real world dating, bars, etc. I found either one of two things a) women weren't making eye contact/giving signals for me to approach or b) I'm just not picking these things up:) Do you make eye contact or encourage guys to approach you directly? Or is it a case of waiting until they come over to your group of friends and it becomes more a group thing than a direct interaction?

My oldest daughter has a friend who sound just like you only a bit younger, she is a very attractive girl and has never has a bf, my daughter has to get one of her then bf friends to go the debs with her when they were young as she as she didn't have anyone to ask

This girl has a fantastic career went to Trinity, has lot of female friends etc, my daughter puts lots of it down to slightly over protective parents( Parent who tell teenage girls this is you time for studying and not socialising and who are over protective are not doing their child any favours ) so she never had the mile stones all the other girls had and the fact that she is a bit shy.

I think why this happens is down to a number of factors and you cant pin it down to any one thing, however it needs to be tackled earlier in life maybe by the time have got to your mid twenties. I think joining a good dating agency is a idea at this stage, re on line dating you have to be the one contacting the guys it wont work if you wait for them to contact you and the fact that you are pretty is putting some men off contacting you, despite what you say you are coming across as a little bit passive and expecting it all to just happen very similar to what my daughter friend is like. Do not beat your self up over this there are lots of people in a similar.

Emme

Lonleygirlneedsadvice wrote: »

Part of me thinks that if I didn't appeal to men in my younger days what hope have I heading into my thirties.

This isn't necessarily true. Some people blossom later than others.

Lonleygirlneedsadvice wrote: »

I have a very small social circle but to be honest nothing has happened through that to date so I've kinda written that off as a potential avenue anyway.

This could be a bigger part of your problem than you think. You need to expand your social circle and maybe try new hobbies. Have you outgrown your social circle? Do they just go to bars and nowhere else?

In my 20s a gang of us used to go out together. In hindsight we all got approached roughly equally but one girl loved attention. If anyone other than her got approached she would give the guy daggers and make disparaging remarks about him. She scared off quite a few guys unknown to the girls they were approaching and sabotaged the other girls chances. Is there someone like that in your group? Someone who is happy to flirt and be flirted with but doesn't like others getting attention? Is your current social circle sabotaging you?

mariaalice wrote: »

I think why this happens is down to a number of factors and you cant pin it down to any one thing, however it needs to be tackled earlier in life maybe by the time have got to your mid twenties. I think joining a good dating agency is a idea at this stage, re on line dating you have to be the one contacting the guys it wont work if you wait for them to contact you and the fact that you are pretty is putting some men off contacting you, despite what you say you are coming across as a little bit passive and expecting it all to just happen very similar to what my daughter friend is like. Do not beat your self up over this there are lots of people in a similar.

I suggested this earlier. I agree as regards online dating - you have to be very proactive and prepared for lots of rejection. The guys contacting you might not be the ones you would consider dating in real life. Having said that, at 33 your chances of success through online dating would be quite good if you are willing to date guys in their 40s.

I really think you should give a dating agency a shot. This one runs dating events as well as introducing people. It might be better than an agency that just sets people up. They cater for people aged 25 to 55.

http://www.thematchmaker.ie

Good luck.

Lexe

Hey OP,

Maybe you could go back on online dating and make the first move with one or two guys that you like, at least try it as an experiment. I got very lucky with online dating and the first guy I messaged I met and have been dating since.(I initiated the msg btw I'm also shy at first, like you, and our first date was awkward but from the second date onwards all was fine.

Otherwise I would say try to break away from your group on nights out, even just for a little bit. You could step out into the smoking room with a friend, or even go to the bar on your own. I personally found the smoking area the best place to get chatting to guys, even just for a friendly chat as you often have to stand next to them or they will ask you for a light, whether you smoke or not. Half the people out there are not smoking either!

Good luck

LegacyUser

I think what I have taken from this is the need to be more proactive whether in real life or with online dating. Emme I appreciate your advice but there is no way I would sign up to a dating agency or matchmaking service; to me it's seems all a bit demoralising having to pay somebody to find you a boyfriend. I just couldn't do it and I am still only in my early thirties, maybe in another twenty years I might consider something like that but most definitely not now.

Re dating older men, well I'm not thrilled at the idea of dating somebody over 40 but I would consider it, if he had all the right attributes I would definitely be willing to try it. Unfortunately the guys that contacted me were not a good match for me in any sense.

Like I said I'm averagely pretty, not enough to intimidate a man but not plain either. Middle of the road I guess. I can't really discuss this with any of my friends/ acquaintances as il either get the old "sure your lovely, there is nothing wrong" or the piss taken (male friends mostly) so there is no point venturing down that road. It's just that its gotten to the stage where I'm beginning to analyse my appearance in minute detail wondering what is off putting to men and what changes I can make. But I think it's definitely down to the vibe you put out. It's just when your shy and terrified of rejection you tend shrink further back into your burrow where it's more comfortable. Thus me being single when most of my friends are married and settled with kids.

Emme

Lonleygirlneedsadvice wrote: »

I think what I have taken from this is the need to be more proactive whether in real life or with online dating. Emme I appreciate your advice but there is no way I would sign up to a dating agency or matchmaking service; to me it's seems all a bit demoralising having to pay somebody to find you a boyfriend. I just couldn't do it and I am still only in my early thirties, maybe in another twenty years I might consider something like that but most definitely not now.

Some dating agencies are reluctant to take women over 40 let alone women over 50, which you will be in 20 years time. Women in their 40s and up vastly outnumber men in dating agencies and their chances are relatively slim. If you try a dating agency now you would have a better chance of finding somebody than if you tried in years to come.

Some men in their 30s and early 40s use dating agencies not because they are desperate or can't find someone the "normal" way, but because they are extremely busy with their work and don't have time for the nonsense that sometimes goes on in clubs and bars. These men are often extremely successful. Cash rich and time poor is a good way to describe them.

Lonleygirlneedsadvice wrote: »

Re dating older men, well I'm not thrilled at the idea of dating somebody over 40 but I would consider it, if he had all the right attributes I would definitely be willing to try it. Unfortunately the guys that contacted me were not a good match for me in any sense.

What are all the right attributes? Maybe your list of attributes is too long and that applies to guys in their 30s as well as older guys. I know from my friends that some women have completely unrealistic expectations and they expect Prince Charming to ride up in a 132 reg 7-series BMW instead of being proactive and talking to Mr Average who drives an 06 reg Ford or Peugeot.

The guys who contact you via internet dating are rarely a good match. They will more than likely be a good bit older as men on the internet may have the courage to approach younger women than they would in a social scene. They might not have much success, but that won't stop them trying. That's why 30 year old women get approached by 50 year olds online, and women in their 40s and up can expect to be approached by men in their 60s and up. However, if you see a nice profile of a 36 or 38 year old guy there's nothing to stop you approaching him. This is what you must do if you are to have any success with internet dating. You must be proactive.

Lonleygirlneedsadvice wrote: »

Like I said I'm averagely pretty, not enough to intimidate a man but not plain either. Middle of the road I guess.

Most women fall into this category. You are 33 and at the age where single women are starting to outnumber single men. This ratio will increase as you get older and you will find it harder and harder to meet somebody who genuinely wants a relationship. This doesn't mean you won't find somebody but you have to be proactive and realistic in your expectations.

Lonleygirlneedsadvice wrote: »

I can't really discuss this with any of my friends/ acquaintances as il either get the old "sure your lovely, there is nothing wrong" or the piss taken (male friends mostly) so there is no point venturing down that road. It's just that its gotten to the stage where I'm beginning to analyse my appearance in minute detail wondering what is off putting to men and what changes I can make. But I think it's definitely down to the vibe you put out. It's just when your shy and terrified of rejection you tend shrink further back into your burrow where it's more comfortable. Thus me being single when most of my friends are married and settled with kids.

I would say it has little to do with your appearance, girls who aren't that attractive meet nice guys all the time because they are friendly and don't have an "entitled" attitude. Even if you don't have an "entitled" attitude it might come across that you have such an attitude if you are aloof. You might inadvertently be giving out "I'm too good for you" vibes when you're out.

If you're not willing to join a dating agency or to be proactive on a dating site you are limiting your options to bars and nightclubs or social clubs. Bars and nightclubs aren't the best way to meet people but I would advise you to join a few social clubs with the primary intent of enjoying the activity on offer and expanding your social circle. Anything else would be a bonus. Try meetup.com and if you're into sport bootcamp ireland is a great way to meet people. The median age group would be late 20s to late 30s so bootcamp ireland would be ideal for you. They organise weekends away and they're very friendly and down to earth.

I have given you lots of advice and options. Fair enough if you don't want to go down the dating agency/internet dating route, but you will have to break away from your small group if you are to give yourself a fair chance of meeting someone. You also need to make new friends and broaden your outlook. Your current friends sound stuck in a particular way of thinking which isn't helping you.

Est28

Hi OP,
Sorry I haven't read the entire 3 pages but just responding to the original post. You kinda sound like a friend of mine. She says the same thing, that guys are never interested.

Here's a few things that we noticeable with her:
- Guys DID show interest but she was very picky and fussy. If the male models of the town weren't approaching her, she insisted "Nobody approached her".

- Girls have a habit of closing themselves off in bars. It's subtle and like my friend she doesn't even notice herself doing it but it's obvious to guys. Like if a girl always sits on the inside of a table, you can't get to talk to her, if she's always faced inwards talking to her friends we assume she's just got more going on and not interested as opposed to a girl who appears a little more open, like she can be approached. Not constantly in deep conversation with her friends, facing the crowd, stuff like that.

- What do you talk about when these guys come over? If you're shy/quiet maybe you're just not saying much. Are your friends much more talkative and out-going, if they are talking more it'll get the guys attention. If you are sitting back more quiet I'd assume your friend was interested in me but you aren't. I get irritated when girls make zero effort in conversations. I know its the guys "job" to approach but it's difficult enough for most guys that if a girl is just making me to ALL the work, I tend to just give up, it's not a fun conversation to be in.

- Make the effort sometimes. Guys are a shy as women. We get rejected, we have to harden up to it but some guys don't and hardly speak to women. They'd LOVE a girl to start the conversation with them. No harm in being friendly and making the first move instead of sitting there saying "Nobody is approaching me".

loubeelou

Est28 wrote: »

Hi OP,
Sorry I haven't read the entire 3 pages but just responding to the original post. You kinda sound like a friend of mine. She says the same thing, that guys are never interested.

Here's a few things that we noticeable with her:
- Guys DID show interest but she was very picky and fussy. If the male models of the town weren't approaching her, she insisted "Nobody approached her".

- Girls have a habit of closing themselves off in bars. It's subtle and like my friend she doesn't even notice herself doing it but it's obvious to guys. Like if a girl always sits on the inside of a table, you can't get to talk to her, if she's always faced inwards talking to her friends we assume she's just got more going on and not interested as opposed to a girl who appears a little more open, like she can be approached. Not constantly in deep conversation with her friends, facing the crowd, stuff like that.

- What do you talk about when these guys come over? If you're shy/quiet maybe you're just not saying much. Are your friends much more talkative and out-going, if they are talking more it'll get the guys attention. If you are sitting back more quiet I'd assume your friend was interested in me but you aren't. I get irritated when girls make zero effort in conversations. I know its the guys "job" to approach but it's difficult enough for most guys that if a girl is just making me to ALL the work, I tend to just give up, it's not a fun conversation to be in.

- Make the effort sometimes. Guys are a shy as women. We get rejected, we have to harden up to it but some guys don't and hardly speak to women. They'd LOVE a girl to start the conversation with them. No harm in being friendly and making the first move instead of sitting there saying "Nobody is approaching me".

Too many of us ladies just sit waiting for the guys to do all the work and could be missing out on some fantastic guys because of our passivness. OP, when they say "you've gotta put youself out there" they're right. Its difficult at the beginning but you will find your confidence improving with the amount of positive responses you will get.

LegacyUser

Lonleygirlneedsadvice wrote: »

It's just when your shy and terrified of rejection you tend shrink further back into your burrow where it's more comfortable.QUOTE]

If you keep doing this, you'll get no where.

I can be exactly like you. Almost need to be drawn out sometimes. And my body language, oh terrible. I am one of these people, when am listening to a story or paying attention or just standing there, my face is deadpan. Almost grumpy like. And Im not grumpy at all.

I'll tell you one thing, if you need to be drawn out, you need a prop or something to "fake" the body language bit, until they get to know you a little.

I've noticed, nights and days when I go out with my big nerdy glasses on, fellas go mad for them (dont really understand it myself). Big nerdy glasses and a smile. Maybe its an ice breaker. Almost makes them feel more comfortable to approach, in a "awh isnt she cute" kindof way.

So, try different things (that you are comfortable with).

Potatoeman

As others have said body language is important but also conversation. If the conversation dies after five minutes you're doomed. Bar and clubs are terrible places to meet people though and if you go that route you will have to approach guys.

I wouldn't write off the online dating. It takes work and effort to meet someone through it but youre just as likely to meet someone where it does not work as anywhere else. I don't bother approaching women on bars anymore. It's roulette and quite a bit of work when you never know what her situation is.
The online dating thing is easier if you make an effort but keep in mind its work for the guys too and people sometimes just don't have time to respond. That said it lets you get to know someone before you meet but you should also make the effort to got on some trial dates. Sharpen your dating skills even if you are not interested it will prepare you for when you meet someone you really like and not mess it up.