Parents overreacting or my fault?

LegacyUser · 05-09-2013 12:17am #1

I've had a falling out with my parents and I don't think its ever been this bad before. I'm an 18 y/o male college student and I'm being treated like a child. I mean my dad won't even look at me and all my mother does is get onto me. The story is quite lengthy but I think it all needs to be said for me to vent and also get a proper opinion off someone on what to do.

I had a debs on Monday night and needed to get everything ready that morning so I called in for my tux, a few delays meant my dad had to wait outside for about half an hour and it all went to **** from there. He rang me in the shop shouting down the phone at me and asking where I was, couldn't understand why I had to try on different sizes. So in order to give myself some time, I told him I'd get a bus home (I live 30 minutes from the nearest city), I got a text back saying he waited too long, I was a "****ing joke" and he wouldn't go to my girlfriends house for her debs that night.

So forth, my mother rang me, asked me what I was doing and why I was taking so long, proceeded to try argue down the phone to me in the shop and said I had an attitude because I told her to stop fighting with me in a shop. We argued for a bit and she ended up telling me that none of my family like me, my parents dont like me and my girlfriend of 3 years has yet to see my attitude and so on will end up hating me aswell.

I had to get ready in my girlfriends house at her own debs which is embarrassing. Her mother found out about the whole ordeal and let me stay there which was very kind of her. My parents ended up showing up at the house and continued to pass sly comments about me infront of my girlfriends family, of which they all heard and I had to stand there like an idiot. They then tried to warp my girlfriends mothers opinion of me by suggesting I'm awful at home, I demand money and I'm a nightmare to live with. Now my house only has 1 income coming into it, I know theres financial problems at home and I have never once asked for money. I regularly turn down invites from friends to do something because I cant afford it. I can't believe they even said this, they even offered to help out with the debs a few weeks ago but I didn't take any money off them. Bar €12 for a tie.

I eventually went home today and told my dad what bus I would get home. He never showed up at the bus stop, which is a 40 minute walk from my house (I live in the countryside) I got in, didn't get any acknowledgement, not even a hello or a look. From there on today things have just got worse. They're friends with the manager of a pub I have been getting training with, I was supposed to go down tonight but I was told I wasn't going there. When I asked why, they told me because I wasnt.

I don't know what to do, I'd gladly admit if I was in the wrong or if I provoked a reaction or response but I don't understand it. Me and my dad never had a close relationship so we rarely ever have a conversation as it is but I think he's acting more selfish and immature than I'm being accused of.

I think the only thing that could fix anything is me moving out but I can't afford it. I'm trying to stay away from home for the next few days as I don't want to be here.

Any help or opinions would be appreciated because this is driving me crazy.

Chocolate fiend · 05-09-2013 6:03am

Are you the "baby" of the family? It sounds like they are actually upset that they might be losing you but, they are going about it all the wrong way to keep you as such.

I would be very hurt if I was treated like that by my parents, they sound like they are very much in the wrong.

LegacyUser · 05-09-2013 6:33am

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

Are you the "baby" of the family? It sounds like they are actually upset that they might be losing you but, they are going about it all the wrong way to keep you as such.

I don't think so.How does calling your own son "a f****g joke" and telling him "no one in your family likes you" nearly equate to fear of losing him? They sound like absolute bullys and horrible people. No one in your family likes you. Humiliating him in front of his gfs family. Preventing you from working in the pub? When there is financial problems? OP unless you've a seriously bad attitude we don't know about, this is just not on. You say you don't take much off them, so I can only presume your a decent human being. You need to get out of there OP, see if your entitled to anything, or can get some sort of work. They sound like control freaks aswell. They can't stand you but don't want you to work, which could be a way for you to move out.

anmhi02 · 05-09-2013 6:53am

Oh my God you poor thing....as a mother of a son myself my heart goes out to you. Have no advice cause every story had two sides but I do think they are over reacting. Maybe there are issues going on that you're not aware of and you're getting the brunt of it. But you're debs is a big deal and to to that on you're night isn't right. That's your memory of that tarred now.
I hope things get better for your soon....keep the chin up....hope you had a great night after all x sending you a big hug...

Merkin · 05-09-2013 8:38am

They sound like they are being totally unreasonable. What is the crux of all of this do you think? Is it the fact that your father was delayed outside the shop and this has all just escalated (in an absolutely ridiculous fashion) from there or are there deeper issues at play? I don't like that they went round to your girlfriend's house and tried to belittle you, it sounds very nasty and unfair. Do you think the issue is a financial one, seeing as one parent is working? Seeing as you're a college student, would it be feasible to get a part-time job so you could make some contribution if that's what this is fundamentally about? Doing so would hopefully allow you to put a little by for a deposit.

heretochat · 05-09-2013 9:01am

I regularly received those hateful, spiteful types of comments from my parents (well one of them anyway) when I was your age OP. So I can understand how hurtful it can be.

At the risk of a big blowout (which happened in my case) I think you need to sit down with them and in a calm and rational way ask them what is going on. Explain how you found their comments and actions to be so hurtful and ask them why they acted in this manner.

While I think this is the best approach I would temper it by saying my parents didn't appreciate what they called "my cheek".

Koptain Liverpool · 05-09-2013 9:19am

Your parents sound like complete assholes in this situation although we only have your side of it. Have they been like this for a long time or did it only occur around the time of the debs? Do you have any long running disagreements with them or anything that might explain their behaviour?

I'll say this:

To say such horrible things to you and especially to try and demean you in front of your girlfriend's family is downright awful behaviour. Most parents would never act like this no matter how much of a falling out they'd had with their kids.

And to obstruct your possibility of a job is completely unbelievable.

You need to sit down with your parents and tell them exactly how you feel in a calm and collected manner. Don'tr respond to their insults.

If this doesn't work I'd start planning on moving out as soon as you can. I know that's probably easier said than done - are you heading off to college? If not then try your best to try and get work and put money together to move out.

In the meantime remain civil with your parents and accept that the problem lies solely with them. Once you move on you won't have to worry about their attitudes any more

deisemum · 05-09-2013 11:22am

Irrespective of the rights and wrongs between your parents and yourself for your parents to carry on as guests in someone elses home on their daughter's special night will not have been missed by everyone there whether they actually heard it or not as no doubt it will have been commented on and just shows how ignorant and rude your parents are and their behaviour is unforgivable.

I strongly suspect that even if you try to talk to them in a calm manner they'll go off on one and wont be prepared to listen to what you've got to say.

OP is your father the sort of patriarch that rules the roost and your mother is in the habit of backing him even if he's wrong about things or is their current behaviour something new?

Sinall · 05-09-2013 11:33am

OP, I really feel for you. I had similar issues with my mother at my debs, my graduations and she didn't come to my 30th. I know how hurtful and bewildering if can be. I've also had the 'it's a wonder you have any friends' comments. Sadly, in your parents' and my mother's case, you are not dealing with rational people. Talking it out and attempting to reason with them won't work. In fact, it's likely to trigger another episode and futher dramatics, because they will twist your attempt at a conversation into you bullying and haranguing them. They will go nuts again, criticising you for even bringing it up. Like heretochat said above, I also got the 'I can't believe your cheek' response. :rolleyes:

Hearing that sort of thing when you're growing up often leads to you believing it. You sound like you've got your head screwed on and are a responsible person. Try not to let all of this affect your self confidence.

It's tough when you're 18 and you really need the support and love of your parents, rather than insults. All I can say is that, as you get older, you will get more perspective on it and they won't be able to hurt you as much.

Would you be able to afford to live outside the home if you got a grant? It might be worth talking to your student union reps about any options - they come across this sort of thing all the time. It might also be worth you calling the manager of the pub and saying unfortunately you couldn't get a lift as planned (don't mention anything about your parents) but you're sorry you couldn't make it and you'd be very grateful if he'd continue the training.

cloudatlas · 05-09-2013 5:02pm

Firstly, phone the pub manager and explain to him why you can't go to work and that you'll be in touch after you've resolved the situation. You don't want to lose potential work over this. Do you have a family member who could act as a mediator between yourself and your parents? You could arrange a meeting with them and apologise for keeping your dad waiting (and say you appreciate the lifts) but you think they crossed the line by following you to your gf's house and talking to her parents. Try to be the bigger person whilst getting your point across.

Santa Cruz · 05-09-2013 5:18pm

Obviously try to resolve it by discussion but if this continues you will have to realise that you are a young adult and have to start finding your own way in the world.

GalwayGuy2 · 05-09-2013 5:40pm

Has things like this happened when you were younger?

Big Bag of Chips · 05-09-2013 6:37pm

OP, there are 2 sides to every story. You have yours and I'm sure your parents have their version.

At 18, and still living at home, you may think you are an independent adult, but the fact is, you're not. You may not ask your parents for money, but if you don't have a steady income of your own, then your parents will be heavily subsidising you.

You still depend on them for lifts, and to arrange a job for you.

Now, in saying all that, what sort of parent tells their child they don't like them? How they treated you in your gf's house was disgraceful. How dare they walk into someone else's house and make everyone uncomfortable. But that reflects more on them, than it does you.

Lots of teenagers/young adults find this time very difficult. They are legally adults, who feel they should be given freedom, but are technically kids, who need their parents because they can't afford to leave home.

Many parents also find the transition from child/parent to adult/parent relationship very difficult. For your whole life they have been "in charge" of you. They will always be your parents, but you won't always be their "child". As you are the one changing, it's up to you to teach your parents that! It won't be easy, and it won't be quick.

For a start... Arrange your own job. Go to the pub. Get a bike and cycle so you are not depending on your parents for a lift. Apologise for the mix up. Ask for a job and tell him you will be there whatever evening he likes. If your parents have told him not to give you work, then try somewhere else. Local shop, farmers etc.

Your parents are wrong in how they treated you..... But you are not the independent adult you think you are.

camphor · 05-09-2013 8:04pm

O/P your parents are jealous of you. You need to get away from them and cut your links down to the minimum as rapidly as possible.
It is very common for parents to be jealous of their offspring and try to put barriers in their way. It is a highly toxic environment to be in. You will be damaged for life if you allow this to stop you.

jimmycrackcorm · 07-09-2013 3:51am

we've only heard your side of the story op but I find it strange
that both your parents have issues with you. In some respects you give clues that you might be the problem... You left your dad hanging in for a half hour without ringing him to explain why. I even find that strange as a guy who as most do, goes into a clothes shop and has picked out what to wear in a couple of minutes. Then you mention about having to walk 40 minutes from the bus stop. Do you not walk anywhere? Are you regarded at home as a prima Donna?

What about your mothers comment about none of your family liking you - is there some truth in that?

LegacyUser · 08-09-2013 9:01pm

Wow, there has been a lot of feedback, I didn't expect all this. I appreciate all the support and replies from everybody, its been very helpful. I'll try reply to some of the main questions I was asked and snip and edit posts where necessary.

Merkin wrote:

They sound like they are being totally unreasonable. What is the crux of all of this do you think? Is it the fact that your father was delayed outside the shop and this has all just escalated (in an absolutely ridiculous fashion) from there or are there deeper issues at play? I don't like that they went round to your girlfriend's house and tried to belittle you, it sounds very nasty and unfair. Do you think the issue is a financial one, seeing as one parent is working? Seeing as you're a college student, would it be feasible to get a part-time job so you could make some contribution if that's what this is fundamentally about? Doing so would hopefully allow you to put a little by for a deposit.

I'm really not sure. We've had our fights before but before this, I can't remember the last one we had, this was all just kinda outta the blue. There is a financial situation, my mother always talks about how its hard for her to support the family as my dad doesn't even receive social welfare anymore. I've been trying to get a part time job for the best part of two years, I've gotten a seasonal job but no hours this summer, I only worked a week and a half in total. Believe me, I'd love nothing more than a permanent part time job, my own steady income would benefit me so much and my family life I think.

Koptain Liverpool wrote:

Your parents sound like complete assholes in this situation although we only have your side of it. Have they been like this for a long time or did it only occur around the time of the debs? Do you have any long running disagreements with them or anything that might explain their behaviour?

I'll say this:

To say such horrible things to you and especially to try and demean you in front of your girlfriend's family is downright awful behaviour. Most parents would never act like this no matter how much of a falling out they'd had with their kids.

And to obstruct your possibility of a job is completely unbelievable.

You need to sit down with your parents and tell them exactly how you feel in a calm and collected manner. Don'tr respond to their insults.

If this doesn't work I'd start planning on moving out as soon as you can. I know that's probably easier said than done - are you heading off to college? If not then try your best to try and get work and put money together to move out.

In the meantime remain civil with your parents and accept that the problem lies solely with them. Once you move on you won't have to worry about their attitudes any more

We've always had our little fights and that but nothing major for a few years. There was no suggestion that something like this would happen last week, everything was fine up until that day. In regards to sitting them down and speaking to them, I know a few other posters have said that their parents called it cheek or didn't take to it very well. Thats exactly how mine are. If I say anything back or answer them, its seen as my "bad/**** attitude" when I'm trying to give my opinion or point, there is no listening to anybody but themselves.

I'm not heading off to college, unfortunately. I'm hoping for a break in a job opportunity soon and I can start getting money together for an apartment then.

deisemum wrote:

OP is your father the sort of patriarch that rules the roost and your mother is in the habit of backing him even if he's wrong about things or is their current behaviour something new?

Almost the exact opposite usually. What my mother says goes and my dad doesn't say anything back, usually anyway.

Sinall wrote:

Would you be able to afford to live outside the home if you got a grant? It might be worth talking to your student union reps about any options - they come across this sort of thing all the time.

Unfortunately no, I got it last year for college and it was €135 a month, in saying that, that money went into my dads account and I didn't see alot of it.

jimmycrackcorm wrote:

we've only heard your side of the story op but I find it strange that both your parents have issues with you. In some respects you give clues that you might be the problem... You left your dad hanging in for a half hour without ringing him to explain why. I even find that strange as a guy who as most do, goes into a clothes shop and has picked out what to wear in a couple of minutes. Then you mention about having to walk 40 minutes from the bus stop. Do you not walk anywhere? Are you regarded at home as a prima Donna?

What about your mothers comment about none of your family liking you - is there some truth in that?

No, I text him saying I was in trying on the suit and I'd be out as quick as I could. There were problems with the suit and he rang me shouting down the phone, not understanding that fact that the shop was busy and not every customer can have everything sorted at the click of a finger. I had the suit picked out a week previous, I got the chance to try it on the day of the debs, it wasn't a matter of me not knowing which one to pick.

No, I walk pretty much everywhere bar from my house to the nearest city, because thats not even a feasible walk. I've often walked to and from the bus stop or to the nearest shop and back. And I walk everywhere I need to go in the city. No, not at all.

Not that I know of, nobody has ever alerted me to it. I'm a quiet guy, I keep to myself and don't cause trouble or a fuss so I'm not sure why my family members wouldn't like me if I did nothing to make that judgement of me.

In regards to jobs which has kinda been a reoccuring theme here, I got a call from a call centre yesterday regarding my availability, they said when they have a part time role available within a few months, they will ring me. After telling my mother this, she told me I shouldn't have applied to them and my dad had a falling out with the boss in a previous job so it would be disrespectful to work for them.

I'm going in circles, here.

Parents overreacting or my fault?

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