Relationship with cousin has changed for no reason

Monkey09

Hey everyone,
I know this issue is pretty trivial in comparison with the issues that some other people have, but I'd really appreciate some advice on this matter.

To cut a long story short, I come from quite a large family with a lot of cousins. Some I would be closer to than others mainly because of distance so I didn't have a lot of contact with them really.

I made contact with one of my cousins through FB a few years back who lives in another part of the country. We chatted and got to know each other and we became very good friends. We have travelled to visit one another twice or three times a year and just spent time together.

Within the last year, this cousin decided to move closer to where I live for work. Naturally, I see more of him now as he attends family events, etc. However, I cannot help but feel that he has distanced himself from me. For example, he would never instigate contact with me like he did before. Also, I recently had two very significant events happen in my life (one regarding a job offer) which I was delighted about but he never bothered referring to either of these events despite having been present at two separate family occasions.

I have no idea what is going on. I am left feeling like I have done or said something wrong which is not a nice feeling. One evening, I was feeling particularly upset and I sent him a text message asking if we could meet somewhere to talk. He quickly changed the subject and starting talking about having problems with his phone (which had now been resolved). This conversation took place 2 weeks ago and I haven't seen him since.

I just don't know what to do. I am saddened by all of this as I really did value his friendship and enjoyed our time together. It just hurts so much that he seems to have changed for the worse and most of all because he is obviously not the person I thought he was.

If this was just a friend, I would probably just accept it, forget about them and move on but the fact that he is my cousin would make that impossible.

I would really appreciate any advice on this. Thanks in advance.

December2012

It's possibly nothing to do with you, or anything you did.

Any change in his life?

Monkey09

December2012 wrote: »

It's possibly nothing to do with you, or anything you did.

Any change in his life?

Thanks for your reply. There's been no major change in his life that I know of. I just feel like he is acting differently towards me, like he is being stand-offish. Our relationship is just not the same as it used to be.

heretochat

Monkey09 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. There's been no major change in his life that I know of. I just feel like he is acting differently towards me, like he is being stand-offish. Our relationship is just not the same as it used to be.

The highlighted text is the important part. There may well be something going on that you don't know about..

He is family and neither of you are going anywhere. Maybe he just has some stuff he needs to sort out by himself.

Monkey09

heretochat wrote: »

The highlighted text is the important part. There may well be something going on that you don't know about..

He is family and neither of you are going anywhere. Maybe he just has some stuff he needs to sort out by himself.

Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate it. You are right that I am not aware of all the issues he may have. I know that previous to this, he would be very open to me about any issues with work or personal issues.

I just can't understand why he seems to have gone completely cold on me. We did have an argument a few months back. I believed that it was a relatively small thing and that we had resolved it, but now I am thinking that he may still be annoyed about it.

I would prefer to talk to him and explain how I feel and ask him what's going on. I think I would be reassured if nothing else.

Going to family events, and being given the cold shoulder is really starting to cause me a lot of upset and to be honest if that was to continue, I would have to just move on and forget about him completely. I cannot continue to allow myself to be hurt like this.I have done a lot for him in the past and I think I deserve to be treated better.

December2012

Monkey09 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate it. You are right that I am not aware of all the issues he may have. I know that previous to this, he would be very open to me about any issues with work or personal issues.

I just can't understand why he seems to have gone completely cold on me. We did have an argument a few months back. I believed that it was a relatively small thing and that we had resolved it, but now I am thinking that he may still be annoyed about it.

I would prefer to talk to him and explain how I feel and ask him what's going on. I think I would be reassured if nothing else.

Going to family events, and being given the cold shoulder is really starting to cause me a lot of upset and to be honest if that was to continue, I would have to just move on and forget about him completely. I cannot continue to allow myself to be hurt like this.I have done a lot for him in the past and I think I deserve to be treated better.

Look, your approach appears to be all guns blazing. It sounds like you're going to give out to him over his "coldness" towards you.

He is entitled to feel differently about things and if he thinks all hell get off you is a lecture about why you're right and he's wrong he's not going to want to be friendly.

Or maybe he has changed his opinion since your fight - again that's his choice.

There's nothing you can do about his choices.

If you want to be friends with him then mellow out and relax.

Monkey09

December2012 wrote: »

Look, your approach appears to be all guns blazing. It sounds like you're going to give out to him over his "coldness" towards you.

He is entitled to feel differently about things and if he thinks all hell get off you is a lecture about why you're right and he's wrong he's not going to want to be friendly.

Or maybe he has changed his opinion since your fight - again that's his choice.

There's nothing you can do about his choices.

If you want to be friends with him then mellow out and relax.

You're completely right December2012, I should try to relax about the whole thing more. That's easier said than done though unfortunately. It's tough to feel like you're losing a good friend, especially when you don't know what the reason is.

I'm sorry if my posts came across as all guns blazing. I'm really not the sort of person that instantly reacts to situations they don't like. To be honest, this issue began several months ago. I've done nothing since then and just hoped that one day it wouldall blow over and we'd be back to normal but that hasn't happened so I'm feeling a little frustrated and lost at the moment.

However you are right, if he does not wish to have a friendship with me anymore, that is his right. There is nothing I can do about it.

Matteroffact

You could drop him an e-mail and just say that you have noticed that things are not the same between you now as they used to be and that this saddens you. Tell him you always enjoyed his friendship and would like if you could get back to where you were or if he is annoyed with you over something maybe he would like to clear all of this up for once and for all first.

I would not be able to just leave it because the longer you leave it the harder it will be to get back to where you were. If he doesn't respond to your email then you will have no choice but to leave it but at least you will have tried.

freshpopcorn

By any chance is he trying to mix with other people at family/social events. Sometimes people like to try and mix with other people even tough their friends are there. This doesn't mean he likes you any less!

Monkey09

Matteroffact wrote: »

You could drop him an e-mail and just say that you have noticed that things are not the same between you now as they used to be and that this saddens you. Tell him you always enjoyed his friendship and would like if you could get back to where you were or if he is annoyed with you over something maybe he would like to clear all of this up for once and for all first.

I would not be able to just leave it because the longer you leave it the harder it will be to get back to where you were. If he doesn't respond to your email then you will have no choice but to leave it but at least you will have tried.

Matteroffact, thanks so much for your reply. I am the same as you. I wouldn't be able to just leave it. Every other means of sorting things out would have to be exhausted before I would do that. I'm not too sure about sending him an email. It just seems too formal or something and we have never really emailed each other in the past. I would really like to sort things out in person - face to face. But if my requests to talk are ignored, I think I'll have to let it go. I am so upset by it all. I have racked my brain trying to think what the problem could be and have myself in tears even thinking about it. I suppose these things happen though and I have no choice but to accept it.

Monkey09

freshpopcorn wrote: »

By any chance is he trying to mix with other people at family/social events. Sometimes people like to try and mix with other people even tough their friends are there. This doesn't mean he likes you any less!

Thanks for your reply freshpopcorn, I don't think this is the case. The people who attend these events are close family members who he would knows very well and he sees them on a very regular basis.

He just seems to have distanced himself from me. I haven't observed his interaction with other family members though.

freshpopcorn

It's hard to now why people distant themselves from other people at times to be honest.
I was very good friends with a girl before and every time we went out she used get really drunk and start fights with everybody/steal peoples drinks/cause trouble. We did our best to suggest to her to cut back her drinking but she wouldn't take the hint. After a time we decided to distant our selves from that girl because she was going to land use in trouble if she wasn't going to behave herself.
So could you think of any reason why he might want to distance himself from you.

Another reason why people distance themselves from people they get on with is because sometimes their depressed and they don't want to put on act to their friends that everything is fine!

Monkey09

freshpopcorn wrote: »

It's hard to now why people distant themselves from other people at times to be honest.
I was very good friends with a girl before and every time we went out she used get really drunk and start fights with everybody/steal peoples drinks/cause trouble. We did our best to suggest to her to cut back her drinking but she wouldn't take the hint. After a time we decided to distant our selves from that girl because she was going to land use in trouble if she wasn't going to behave herself.
So could you think of any reason why he might want to distance himself from you.

Another reason why people distance themselves from people they get on with is because sometimes their depressed and they don't want to put on act to their friends that everything is fine!

Thanks again for your reply freshpopcorn. I really appreciate it. Anyway, to answer your question - the only thing I can think of that I could have done wrong is that we had an argument a few months ago. I made a silly comment which was meant as a joke but he took it seriously and got very angry about it. I apologized for the comment several times and explained that it was a joke and I honestly didn't mean to cause any offence. I believed the issue had been resolved, but a lot of people have told me that he can hold onto things for a long time. I've also been told that he can be childish and petty. It's like he's continuing to punish me or something.

Regarding being depressed - I really don't know the answer to that. I know he has a lot of stress in work, but that never impacted on our relationship before.

What I really want is to clear the air with him. To tell him that I feel our relationship has changed and that I am upset about it, just so I could see how he reacts. I have made two separate requests to meet up with him - he replied to the messages, but didn't make any reference to meeting up.

CaraMay

You need to leave it now op and just scceot things have changed. He doesn't want to fall out with you but he doesn't want to meet you. Just accept it as it is and move on. Just because you apologized got your comment doesn't mean he isn't hurt by it. Lesson learned