I have nothing. I feel like I don't exist

LegacyUser

Where to start. I am just at the end of my tether with the way things are in life. I never thought it would be this bad for me. I am literally weak from day to day life, just everything. Let me try and explain and keep it as short as possible.

I'm a 22 year old male. My current situation is that I am unemployed. I live at home with my younger brother (21) and sister (17). Yup, that's right, I basically run things at home and I'm pretty much the boss. So you might be thinking, what about my parents. Well, my dad lives away, and is unemployed because of redundancy from work. He's an interesting character. He has no intention of ever working again, and has expressed this many a time. More on him later. My mother, is a chronic alcoholic and abuses drugs often. She has been since I was 17. That's where it all started. Rewind to when I was 17, doing my leaving, Mother in full time job, everything going fine. Suddenly, she stops going to work. She stops being at home as much, she goes missing for a day or two at a time. This alarms the family and we worry. She shows up smelling of drink. It spirals out of control. She stops doing shopping and paying bills, and since she is the one who supported us back then, that was all he had. We lived on scraps and had to have relatives pay bills.

My mother became worse and worse, my older brother and sister moved off and have their own lives. My brother and sister are not in the picture as far as the family goes. My mother becomes so bad that her family (my granny), pay for her to go to rehab. They are extremely old fashioned, they failed and still fail to acknowledge her problem as even existent. They say that she is a failure and they literally do not care about her. Rewind back to me. So here's 18 year old me, with a mother that is in rehab. My sister is in first/second year at this stage. I couldn't afford to go to college so I went on the social and tried looking for work. I wasn't successful finding anything, as I live in a small town with barely anything going. My granny helped us out while my mother was in rehab, but it killed her to do so. It was just me, my brother and sister.

After my mother got out, she was fine for about a month Until she got back into her old habits. This time worse, she moved in with her BF (also an alcoholic!), and stopped showing up, and stopped looking after her home, her kids (mainly my sister, who was 14 at this time, breaks my heart thinking about it ), and left all the bills to us, along with arrears. I was getting 100 a week on the social, there was no way I was running this house on 100 quid. Notices and warnings came in the post in her name. 1000s had been run up in bills, and loans. We were threatened to be evicted, and to have electricity cut off. We had barely any food. She took all her money every week (she quit her job to pursue her drinking and signed on), along with children allowance and blew it on drink, drugs, and god knows what else. She would show up once a week to shower and pick up some things. It's terrible, and it's STILL happening to this day

So you might ask how I survived? Well, no thanks to my family anyway. My mother's side of the family live about 25 miles away. They denounced all responsibility and said we were on our own. This is no joke. They said my mother is a failure, and basically best of luck with her. My older brother moved back in to help us out with things, since he has a full time job. (though he didn't want to, and was problematic at every turn) Me and my brother looked for work and did what we could to help out. But my brother never had time for us, and after about a year of struggling with barely anything, a fight took place between us and him, and he left. So now we are back at square one (although he really didn't help that much)

A typical week for me, is basically trying to find a job where I've already looked in the same places about 1000 times, and worrying. Being upset. Being angry. Being on edge all the time and not knowing what's going on in life. My mother spends 6 days a week drinking, getting high with her boyfriend. She shows up maybe once every two weeks when she needs something, but always ends up in a huge fight in which she disappears for another week. Me and my brother do shopping with the money we get (we do barely/can afford to just enough to feed ourselves, come Monday the house is empty), we pay all the bills and by the end of that, we have about 10-15 euro each for the week. No one is here to help us. Brother is estranged, family don't care on her side, father's sound don't know, and wouldn't help anyway. We have no one. It's just us, stuck in this rut, barely able to fend for ourselves, scraping by every week on the bare minimal, with no sign of this ever stopping. I'm stuck in this broken home with no sign of it ever easing up. The rent is still way way behind, we still have 1000s to get through.

I have no stimulation in my life. I am not saying my mother should be spoon feeding me at this age, but I have nothing. Most if not all people my age have working ,supportive parents, and families. I don't. I can't move out and get my own place. Who is going to look after my brother and sister? (I get more than him on the social, I get 188, he gets 100). He couldn't survive on 100 a week. I can't find work even though I try so hard. I have not many friends, I never get to go out, EVER, literally the last time I went out on a night out was over a year ago. I never have money. I wake up and worry about things, I wake up and wish I was dead sometimes. I spend my whole day upset, depressed, and wondering what happened. I worry 24/7, about when things will change, about why I can't have a life with this, why I am trapped in this situation with no help, I wonder if it's ever going to end. I don't enjoy myself anymore, all day, every day is a complete worry. WHEN IS THIS GOING TO END? I am not given a chance at life. My mother has taken it all away, what once was a loving, supporting and hard working mother, is now a shadow of the person she was.

My dad is borderline useless. He sits in his flat all day smoking cigarettes and watching TV. He nay says everyone, and downplays anyone and anything, any chance he gets. He thinks we have it easy, and that he's a victim. He doesn't help out and never has once in the last years, despite smoking about 80 a week on cigarettes. He doesn't help out and has no intention of ever doing so. He is no help to us and no addition. He constantly nags and annoys me when I go to see him, he puts me down, and is generally a very annoying and passive aggressive person.


Me and my brother have sacrificed everything, literally everything for this, no one cares, and no one wants to know. Every other young person I know is off in college, or in australia or something working, having fun, falling in love, enjoying and loving life. It makes me so mad to think I'm being cheated out of youth and my chance at happiness. Is there ANYTHING at all we can do? I got offered a place in college this year, I actually got quite good leaving cert results, and I got accepted and can start this next Tuesday. But I can't. I wouldn't be able to afford transport etc, and still keep the house going.

I have had an emotional breakdown before posting this, I've had panic attacks, random bouts of crying and worrying. I cannot take this anymore. I also have my own personal problems and skeletons in the closet to deal with, but I can never get around to dealing with them due to having to look after my mother's bull crap. I have so so many problems and I don't know what to do, if I can even do anything, or where to start. I never get a second to worry about myself or my life. I feel like a nobody, like I don't exist, like I'm just a slave and that this will never get better. I want out. I can't take this anymore. I'm only young once. I feel like my youth has been robbed of me. I want to go out and achieve things, to do things with my life, but I can't. I'm stuck in a rut with all of this and it's just so unfair.

emmabrighton

Big hugs,

I don't have any experience with your situation and am very sorry that you have had such a terrible time to date.

First things first, don't worry about college. If you can't afford to go this year then accept the place and defer your entry until next September. That will give you 12 months to get a plan in place. Once you are in university, and this applies even if you defer, you will have access to their support services. So, accept, got to support services in the college and tell them your woes. They will help you with deferring your place and can point you in the right direction for the following year.

As for your alcoholic mother – have you ever gone to Alanon? And your sister could attend a support group like Alateen? You are not alone. These support groups can help with your family situation.

Also your GP would be a good port of call. They will have experience dealing with alcohol related issues and subsequent anxiety caused by another persons alcoholism.

xzanti

Sorry to hear of your story.. that's a massive amount of strain you have there..

Have you approached St Vincent De Paul at all? I've heard of them helping people get through college among the various forms of relief they offer.

My heart goes out to you and your siblings

December2012

Go and talk to your dr and see if you can get referred for counselling.

Have you spoken with a community welfare officer to find out what entitlements and assistance you can all get?

Does your sister have a social worker?

Xidu

Hi, I am so sorry for your situation. But don't be so upset, think of all the suffering now is to make your future happiness even sweeter. I know it's so easy for me to say so.

You should try to contact Vincent de Paul, my parents in law offer their free time to help people. They recently found some part time jobs for a polish couple who need money.

I've seen my neighbours hire young fellows to clean their garden, or clean the outside of the house. I think you should try.

Vincent de Paul offer dunnes vouchers n part time jobs to people.

You n your bro n sis r still very young, don't give up. N best of luck to you.

lmos

What a fantastic person you are! Amazing strength trying to cope with all that! There's lots of suggestions in the above posts which I hope will assist you in getting the support and advice you need. You can make progress here, seek out help, youve come this far and believe me you will achieve great things because of it. Best of luck to you, and take care.

marizpan

Hi OP,
As you already know your situation is extreme. You have it very very difficult.
You are coping better than many people could but your nerves will eventually give up.
You shouldn't carry your parents emotionally. I would imagine for now, you would be better to remove them both from your life until you sort yourselves out. Your burden is heavy enough as it is.

Is it possible for you to move out with your siblings to new accommodation ?
Would rent supplement cover the cost?
It would distance yourselves from your mother and the arrears of bills and rent that are in her name.
Could you move nearer to college?jobs?

You should ask for assistance from Vincent de Paul, HSE and from your welfare officer. I honestly think that social services should have been brought in when you were minors.
You do need to ask for help. There is no shame in it. Your situation is not your fault and is very extreme.
Keep is posted on any progress.

schwalbe

ManOfNothing wrote: »

I'm pretty much the boss

You sound like a boss for what it's worth,you've been dealt a ****ty hand but you seem to have stepped up as much as you could and are doing all you can.
I've no clue what sort of immediate advice to give you,maybe head down the Vincent de Paul and see what's up down there-there will be better advice than I can give at the very least.Write to the college and tell them of your situation,you'd be surprised at what can happen when you tell the right people these things.
I guess right now it's really ****ty for you as you're the one trying to keep everything together as best you can but it should get better as your siblings get older,maybe like someone else said you'll be able to move away then and start afresh and leave the all the unpaid bills behind?
You seem strong man,strong people get through ****ty situations and come out the other side,it may not seem like it now but they do.
I am on the dole like you and I haven't been out in nearly a year also so try not to feel to bad about that.Maybe in a year or 2 you'll be living on your own without the bills and hassle?That will be a lot better,the nature of these things is that you can't see a way out when you're in them but there always is,you just gotta bide your time and keep doing what you're doing.

JuliusCaesar

marizpan wrote: »

You should ask for assistance from Vincent de Paul, HSE and from your welfare officer. I honestly think that social services should have been brought in when you were minors.
You do need to ask for help. There is no shame in it. Your situation is not your fault and is very extreme.

Absolutely. Your siblings should be regarded as YOUR dependents in this situation. Talk to the Social Worker (google Child Protection Social Worker + the area you live in). You're the person who should be getting the Children's Allowance.

You might also get good advice as regards Social Welfare over on Biz->Personal->State Benefits here on Boards.ie.

Please don't be afraid that your younger brother and sister will be removed from you. They do their best to keep families together.

Faith+1

That was a hard post to read Op. I really hope things improve for you.

MissFlitworth

OP - if rent and utilities are in your mother's name please don't think of the arrears on them as yours to pay off. That's her problem, those 1000s are her issue, you and your siblings are not responsible for them. Do go and do what other people have suggested, go to the community welfare officer, go talk to the St Vincent de Paul. This *will* end, even just the fact that you and your siblings are getting older and to the point where you will all be independent is going to make a world of difference. You might not get to college this year but you *will* get there. You're clearly doing a killer job of looking after your family but you won't always be a 'parent' to everyone.

hi op, firstly fair play to you for doing all you have for your younger brother and sister for the last few years. you have done really well.

do you all live in a council house? is your mother still on the books as the tenant? it should be possible for you to go to the council, explain that she left years ago and get the tenancy put into your 3 names.

if its private accomodation, i think id move if i was you. go to the community welfare officer, he/she should be able to help you re deposit and rent allowance.

also if you have been on the dole for years than you are probably entitled to keep it, and get an extra payment ( that i cant rem the name of) to go to college.

is your sister still in secondary school? your mother should not be claiming childrens allowance for her when YOU are her primary carer. in fact if she is, she is probably still claiming for her on her dole as well. the community welfare officer should be able to help you with regard to this as well.

you should go to the local community advise people, they should be able to give you a lot of advice for free.

you and your brother, and maybe even your sister, next year could all be in college, and in two or three years time everything could be different for all of ye.
i really hope it is.
forget about your parents, looking out for them or protecting them in any way. the 3 of you need to look after yourselves from now on.

best of luck op

Dark Phoenix

Your story was heart breaking to read. Fair play to you for stepping up and looking after your siblings thats a lot of responsiblity on your shoulders from a young age.

As someone else said re college why not accept your course and defer for a year so that you have some breathing space.

Please contact the social welfare as soon as possible. Your mother should not be getting benefits and childrens allowance when she has left the family home and is co habiting with someone else. If you are the guardian I would think the childrens allowance and benefits should go to you as you are in the home and looking after anyone.

Legs.Eleven

I found your post really upsetting to read, OP and I don't have any advice that others haven't given you already but I was compelled to write to just say please hang in there. You're an incredible person and judging by your post, you're extremely bright. You will get to where you want to be someday but in the meantime, try other avenues for assistance and hang on. This won't be your situation forever. I'm so sorry you're in this situation and my heart goes out to you. Look after yourself and feel free to post here anytime even just to vent all your frustrations. Big love to you. xx

mashedbanana

Bubblypop hit the nail on the head with their advice. Bang on!