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dealing with internalised homophobia?

  • 03-09-2013 5:29pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    This is one of those things that is hard to discuss outright, but here goes.

    I'm 25, and had the weird trajectory of having same-sex relationships from my early teens, coming out when I was 16 and then going back to straight relationships after some pretty ferocious homophobia. I think I'm bi, or at least some of the relationships have been genuinely good, but almost all of my partners have guessed at some point or another that I am not straight and maybe even that I'd rather be with a woman. Normally I just stay single.

    More and more I feel like it's women that I'm really attracted to, but I feel like I've trained myself only to be attracted to women that I don't actually know because I spent so long being treated like a pervert in school. People *hated* me for being into women and so I stopped telling them. Now I feel like I've lied to my best female friends, and though I know I never act inappropriately, I'm scared that the immediate straight-girl reaction will be to feel violated because that was how it was in my teens. Part of me, simply put, still feels like a pervert, even though I know that's not the case.

    It has been a good five years since I was with a girl, and towards the end it was always fairly soulless drunken encounters. I knew I was treating people like **** so I stopped, but I didn't address things. When I was really young, like 13, I had a lovely relationship with a girl and was genuinely fine with it, though pragmatically quiet. But since I got outed and bullied, I feel like I treat the girls I'm with badly because I don't want to be gay and I somehow end up blaming or resenting them. When I left my ****ty town I promised myself I'd reinvent myself and be honest, but as soon as I encountered more preppy teenage girls I immediately went back into the closet (after one painful but quite funny attempt to come out to a girl roommate who didn't know what LGBT was).

    Obviously the rational part of me hates homophobia and knows that this is just a prolongued version of outing anxiety. But it isn't the rational part of me that mistreats women because I don't like what I am and would rather be straight. I feel like I'm perpetuating the behaviour towards gayness that I learned (I'm not trying to absolve myself of responsibility; it is absolutely up to me to treat people right) and I don't know how to stop. I'm scared to even *look* at a real life woman in case I do this **** all over again, but I don't know how to change the way I seem to react when faced with prospect of being reviled. Part of me thinks I'm just not brave enough to pay the price for being whatever it is I am, but I know it's selfish to be with men and want to be with women.

    So, my questions are:

    - Is this just a part of the process of coming to terms with your sexuality?
    - Have you had to unlearn homophobic behaviour and if so, how did you manage it?
    - Do you ever get over the feeling that, deep down, if you had the choice, you'd be straight?

    Maybe I should look for counselling or something, I don't know. I'm sorry to be asking this question here, because I know that being gay isn't a full time job and you shouldn't have to hold everyone's hands through all this crap...


Comments

  • #2
    Goodshape
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,488 ✭✭✭Goodshape


    Hi. Nice post! Talking about these things (even on the Internet!) is a great step to take.

    Some of what you say reminds me of my own coming to terms / coming out, although maybe a bit more heightened than anything I went through. Certainly though, mucking about in my early/mid teens, feeling guilty about it, and being scared to even *look* at a real life [wo]man. I was a big bundle of unwanted feelings in my late teens / early twenties.

    For me, and I was just thinking about this the other day, what changed all that was realising one day, however obvious or silly it sounds, that I am myself. All of me. And I am not a bad person.

    And I am gay.

    And I am still myself. Nothing has changed. Still not a bad person. Still the same me that was sitting here 5 minutes ago, before uttering the words: I am gay.

    There was this irrational fear that that wouldn't be the case. To be gay I have to be something else.. something I don't like and nobody likes and everything would be different. But that wasn't true. Being gay wasn't something to step into or become, it's something that is and always has been a part of me. The only thing that changed was my outlook on life, for the better, and having a whole new part of myself and the world to explore, on my terms with noone forcing or restricting me. And not restricting myself, either.

    Since then I really haven't ever wished I was straight. Because I'm not, never have been, and really don't know what I would be if I was. And while being gay isn't always super-fun-times (I'm sure nothing is) I've found it a lot better than not-being-gay-on-purpose.


    Well, not sure if any of that is helpful in any way. I guess it boils down to, don't be afraid of yourself. If a part of that self is the gay part, that doesn't change the whole. It just another part to explore :)


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