Heartbroken, can't stop crying

LegacyUser

Hi guys. I'm in need of some advice. My boyfriend broke up with me last week. We'd been going out for several months, and during that time it was a pretty up and down relationship. He pursued me for months before we went out, but the minute I gave in and said I'd be his girlfriend he seemed to go off me. He said all he could feel is guilt in the relationship, and even though he really liked me he didn't love me and felt he couldn't give me what I wanted and needed.

Last night I sent him a long email explaining that I don't hate him but he never treated me properly and he should change his ways to avoid hurting other girls. He replied and said he knew well that he hadn't behaved as he should, and that he broke up with me cos he felt it would be better for me in the long term. He said that he hoped we could be friends, but that he would support anything I need to do to get over the break up.

I appreciate his honesty, but I am completely heartbroken and miss him so badly. I want to ask him if we can give it another go - we broke up before and got back together, and he said he didn't regret it because it was great. But I don't want to have to convince someone to be with me. I just feel like a completely broken person, not at all the happy (single) individual I was before we started going out. I can't stop crying. When I'm around my friends it's easier, but I don't have many and they're all starting to move away. I'm being let go from my job at the end of the month, and I have no idea what to do with my future. Every time I try to think of what I can do, I remember that he won't be there and I start crying again.

I texted him just there and asked if he thought we should talk. I know you're not supposed to do that after a break up, but going cold turkey on him is just such a shock to my system. I know that I'll be crying and stuff if we talk, but he did say he'd always be there for me. And it's not just him I'm upset over, it's all this other stuff in my life. But I know I can't make someone love me. It's just such a horrible thing because he was so into me, and the moment he 'won' me, I wasn't enough for him anymore.

I just keep thinking of how happy and excited I was back in June when we first started dating. I had had a lot of reservations about the two of us in the first place, but I saw past them and was just plainly and simply excited. Now I feel like a shell of a person, and everything reminds me of him. How could something that meant so much to me, mean so little to him?

LegacyUser

Let him go, you deserve so much better than that.

Go back to him and you'll die worrying about what is right and what is wrong when you could be with someone who will respect you for who and what you are.

miamee

inloveheartbroken wrote: »

Hi guys. I'm in need of some advice. My boyfriend broke up with me last week. We'd been going out for several months, and during that time it was a pretty up and down relationship. He pursued me for months before we went out, but the minute I gave in and said I'd be his girlfriend he seemed to go off me. He said all he could feel is guilt in the relationship, and even though he really liked me he didn't love me and felt he couldn't give me what I wanted and needed.

Last night I sent him a long email explaining that I don't hate him but he never treated me properly and he should change his ways to avoid hurting other girls. He replied and said he knew well that he hadn't behaved as he should, and that he broke up with me cos he felt it would be better for me in the long term. He said that he hoped we could be friends, but that he would support anything I need to do to get over the break up.

I appreciate his honesty, but I am completely heartbroken and miss him so badly. I want to ask him if we can give it another go - we broke up before and got back together, and he said he didn't regret it because it was great. But I don't want to have to convince someone to be with me. I just feel like a completely broken person, not at all the happy (single) individual I was before we started going out. I can't stop crying. When I'm around my friends it's easier, but I don't have many and they're all starting to move away. I'm being let go from my job at the end of the month, and I have no idea what to do with my future. Every time I try to think of what I can do, I remember that he won't be there and I start crying again.

I texted him just there and asked if he thought we should talk. I know you're not supposed to do that after a break up, but going cold turkey on him is just such a shock to my system. I know that I'll be crying and stuff if we talk, but he did say he'd always be there for me. And it's not just him I'm upset over, it's all this other stuff in my life. But I know I can't make someone love me. It's just such a horrible thing because he was so into me, and the moment he 'won' me, I wasn't enough for him anymore.

I just keep thinking of how happy and excited I was back in June when we first started dating. I had had a lot of reservations about the two of us in the first place, but I saw past them and was just plainly and simply excited. Now I feel like a shell of a person, and everything reminds me of him. How could something that meant so much to me, mean so little to him?

I know how hard it can be to go from talking to someone every day to nothing but it really is the best way. See the bits I have bolded above? If you get back with him now, you are the one who he will hurt again. He hasn't had time or even a reason to change his ways - why would he when he has treated you badly but you are willing to accept this and ask him to come back?

Stay strong and look at the end of the month as new beginnings...an opportunity to find a new job, maybe move into a new career, move house, make new friends and be happy again. Best of luck to you OP

Merkin

Aw you poor thing. Hugs. I can sense your absolute devastation but please keep in mind that you will feel better with time and that you will one day look back and realize he wasn't right for you.

inloveheartbroken wrote: »

I texted him just there and asked if he thought we should talk.

I think this is a big mistake. If he answers you back, which I am presuming he will, you are merely instilling false hope and setting yourself up for (a second) rejection. For whatever reason, this chap doesn't love you enough to be in a relationship with you and regardless of the lines he churns out about caring for you/wanting to be friends/that he's not worthy of you - unfortunately not wanting to be with you is the bottom line.

Consequently, what really is there to discuss? Why do you need to see him and what exactly is it you want to talk about? Doing this will only make you feel worse. You'll get a temporary little buzz and fool yourself that a potential reconciliation is on the cards and then have to go through the pain of him having to tell you why he no longer wants to be with you. Again.

Take the time to lick your wounds m'dear but do it amongst family and friends. He shouldn't be your shoulder to cry on. The best thing you can do is to cut ties and forget about him rather than prolonging the agony by forging a psuedo "friendship" when in actual fact you only want him back. Cut him loose and stick to it and you will find that you get over this much quicker.

Chin up. I know it's hard but you will get better in time x

moochers

Hey OP
You poor thing, break ups are horrible. I have been there myself and you honestly think its the end of the world and that you will never get over it. But of course you will get over it.

Agree totally with above posts, I don't think you should meet him, your emotions are running too high, and at the moment you want him back, when he has made it very clear the relationship has run its course. I know that can be very difficult to accept but you just have to.

Do not even entertain the idea of trying to convince him you want him back, if you do you are selling yourself short and you are worth a lot more than this. Get comfort from your friends, there is nothing better than a good girly bitch up after a break up. You said yourself the relationship had its flaws, you need to keep telling yourself this every time you feel tempted to contact him. In time you wont give him a second thought.

Good luck

anmhi02

Its only been a week so of course its still very raw. You need to be good to yourself for the next while and not torment yourself with him. Don't contact him....please don't.....give yourself time to heal cause you will.....doesn't feel like it now but honestly it will....mind yourself xx

heretochat

Agree with all the others on this one. You need to give yourself time to get over him.

You say he didn't treat you the best anyway so really are you missing out on so much when you are honest with yourself?

Sounds like he enjoyed the chase but then we he got the prize he wasn't so enthused anymore.

Hard to think of it now but you will find someone better down the line, and this will all be a blur..

But as one of the other posters said.. DO NOT go back to him.. You risk being used and hurt even more..

maria34

Hey OP,

Did i understand u right - you started dating in june this year? 2 months ago? And he dumped you already once before?

I kinda understand you because i fall in love quick aswell. But if its so rocky in the beginning then it just doesnt work. U will be hurt so many times if u keep going back.

Heat_Wave

inloveheartbroken wrote: »

I just keep thinking of how happy and excited I was back in June when we first started dating.

You've only been going out since June? As in 3 months?

I think you've invested far too much time and energy in this guy and having sent him a long winded email after dating for only three months and to then send him a text this evening, that's very full on OP.

His reply sounded very insincere too. "I broke up with you because you deserve better" etc. is a load of BS. (sorry to be blunt OP, oldest excuse in the book).

Cut contact and become the happier person you were back in June.

JenEffy

I agree with everyone else. Ye've broken up twice in the space of two or three months. Sorry to be blunt, but there's no future for this relationship. I know a girl who's been with a guy for nearly three years. He's dumped her about ten times, no exaggeration. She takes him back every time. It makes her look stupid and desperate. You don't want to be that girl. It can be harder to get over shorter relationships but try to keep busy and keep reminding yourself of his bad qualities (everyone has them).

LegacyUser

Hi guys, thanks for the advice. It would seem my ex agrees with you, as he said maybe it's best we don't talk until we can do it without other feelings getting in the way. He also said he's 100% sure about his decision, which was unbelievably painful but at least there's no more false hope.

He's not a bad guy, but have spoken to his best friend since and he says that this is a kind of pattern with him and girls. To those who say maybe I'm too cut up as we weren't involved for very long, maybe you're right but he had been involved with my best friend before, who was displeased to say the least when I started going out with him. I made a conscious decision to sacrifice my friendship with her, and also incurred the permanent wrath over another of our friends over the whole thing. So I feel a bit hung out to dry.

If I'm honest, I don't miss the way he made me feel - I was unhappy because I felt I couldn't please him, and I could also sense his guilt and doubt. I just wish I had meant more to him, that I wasn't just another girl in his 'pattern'. I really thought I did, and I know he thought I would.

Even though I'm angry and more hurt than I have ever been, I still love him, and look forward to when we can be proper friends. Right now I can't see myself ever not having an ulterior motive, but hopefully I can move on from this. It's the first time I've been broken up with, so I wasn't really prepared for the blow to my self esteem.

Heat_Wave

heartbroken wrote: »

Hi guys, thanks for the advice. It would seem my ex agrees with you, as he said maybe it's best we don't talk until we can do it without other feelings getting in the way. He also said he's 100% sure about his decision, which was unbelievably painful but at least there's no more false hope.

He's not a bad guy, but have spoken to his best friend since and he says that this is a kind of pattern with him and girls. To those who say maybe I'm too cut up as we weren't involved for very long, maybe you're right but he had been involved with my best friend before, who was displeased to say the least when I started going out with him. I made a conscious decision to sacrifice my friendship with her, and also incurred the permanent wrath over another of our friends over the whole thing. So I feel a bit hung out to dry.

If I'm honest, I don't miss the way he made me feel - I was unhappy because I felt I couldn't please him, and I could also sense his guilt and doubt. I just wish I had meant more to him, that I wasn't just another girl in his 'pattern'. I really thought I did, and I know he thought I would.

Even though I'm angry and more hurt than I have ever been, I still love him, and look forward to when we can be proper friends. Right now I can't see myself ever not having an ulterior motive, but hopefully I can move on from this. It's the first time I've been broken up with, so I wasn't really prepared for the blow to my self esteem.

OP, I actually cannot believe the highlighted sentences. This guy does not want to be in a relationship with you. This guy does not want to be friends with you. I am sorry to be blunt but please, please try and change your "I still love him" mindset.

He dated your friend, blew her off, then he dated you and has now blown you off. You've already lost your best friend over this, do not lose anything else for this man.

Cut contact and move on.

wirelessdude01

He was with your friend before you and then you cast her aside inorder to be with him. Silly behaviour on your behalf if you ask me. How did he treat your friend?

LegacyUser

They had a very casual relationship, and he says he made it clear to her at the start that it would be no strings attached. But she is a jealous, obsessive person to say the least so it's very hard to sort out what was going on there. And maybe I shouldn't have done it, but it really felt like the right thing to do at the time, not least because I ended a long-term relationship not long before and felt ready for something new.

I know he hasn't behaved well, and I am angry, but in lots of ways he was kind and lovely. I could just sense that things weren't right, and when I forced him to be honest he would admit that he had a gut feeling that we weren't right for each other. He says that breaking up is better for me in the long run, because I'll get more hurt otherwise.

I don't want to be making excuses for him either, I just miss him so much and it's this time of the evening that it gets to me the most.

He's asked me to remember how when I ended my previous relationship it was painful but felt like the right thing to do, so I guess I know all too well where he's coming from.

Please don't make me feel stupid about the choices I've made, I already feel bad enough about them but I couldn't help falling for him and I don't know how to move on.

moochers

Lick your wounds and move on. Cannot understand why you still want to be friends with him when he has persistently said he doesn't want that. Writing him long emails, texting him and talking to his best friends will change nothing. TBH, it comes across as needy and desperate which are traits no body wants in a relationship.

If I were you, I would sincerely think about apologizing and making amends with your best friend, this is what you should be working on, not trying to salvage a broken relationship.

LegacyUser

Sorry if I gave the impression that he doesn't want to be friends - he very much does want to remain friends, and in fact that was one of the reasons things drew out longer between us, because he was afraid of hurting me and losing me as a friend. He probably wants to avoid talking for now because he thinks - rightly - that I will get upset and try to get him to change his mind.

I know in my heart that ending the relationship is the right thing to do. Unfortunately I can't turn the waterworks off or stop wishing that things had been different.

moochers

Sorry if I gave the impression that he doesn't want to be friends - he very much does want to remain friends, and in fact that was one of the reasons things drew out longer between us, because he was afraid of hurting me and losing me as a friend. He probably wants to avoid talking for now because he thinks - rightly - that I will get upset and try to get him to change his mind.

Very bad idea to remain friends, especially because you still have feelings for him. You are only prolonging the agony and will never move on.

He made it clear that he doesn't want a relationship with you, what will happen when he moves onto the next girl, because he will and probably will very soon. Also if you stay friends you run the risk of becoming his F buddy, he knows you like him so therefore knows he can sweet talk you into the sack very easily, without ever worrying about having to commit.

wirelessdude01

Why so you want to be friends with an ex? Honestly don't know anyone who is really friends with an ex unless they have something common that means they need to be civil. Situations would be common friends/work/house bought together.

66dunaras

HI OP,

Firstly, I totally understand how you feel. Its the worst feeling.I know people may be thinking it lasted "just" 3 months but when you sacrifice so much and pour everything into it 3 months is a long time. It only takes 3 weeks to make a habit (not saying your relationship was a habit, I just mean getting used to it being a constant) so when it is not there any more it can feel very strange and u can feel a bit lost.

However, in my experience its easier to have a clean break. The back and forward just prolongs the misery. The definition of a clean break might mean different things to different people but you could go away for a week/weekend to distract yourself (could be just to a friends house up the road, down the country or to a friend in London etc). Leave your phone behind. In fact, I know lots of people who change their number and got rid of their old sim card. That way they didn't have access to any numbers to make contact with their exs. Deleting all emails, photos etc also can work. That might sound completely drastic and totally OTT to some people but I find it removing all reminders and temptations a great way of coping.

Try to remember that time is a great healer and that above the storm the sky is always blue

good luck OP

sweetpea1132

I wish I could give you the sound advice that all the others have given you, but its so much easier said than done when your heart is broke, Ive went through something similar last year with a man Id been with for two years, but even though I knew my relationship was over , i was the one to end it, it still took a long time for me to stop crying for the lost relationship, someone said to me its because the dream had been broken, if iam honest it was never there in the first place, it was just in my head, its human nature to want to be loved, you sound like a sincere, caring person and if Iam honest that guy sounds like a con man, who doesn't really want the responsibility of anyone feelings but his own, maybe you should look at it that you got a away with it lightly, two months isn't too long on wasting your time with a loser, it does get better and you will in time look at him and wonder what was it you liked about him in the first place. but please dont give him the pleasure of contacting him again, while his ego is getting bigger, your self esteem and confidence will get smaller, and sweetheart no one, not man or woman is worth that, all my very best, your in my thoughts, keep strongx

maria34

I have had few flings like this altho i wasnt that crazy about them. Still liked them tho.
What helped me was deleting ph numbers and fb and emails. So i had no chance to contact them.
All these flings ended for various reasons. One of them, which was 5 years ago, contacted me in fb lately and keeps asking me out. I tease him but have no interest in him, he is a total joke. Dont know why i was in love back then, he isnt "the one" for me. Thats what you will think about this guy in few years.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice guys. I'm determined not to contact him again, even though his absence feels like a huge gaping hole right now. When we were texting the other day, he said it is horrible under other circumstances to break all contact with an ex, but as long as we know we can be friends in the future then it's probably a good thing not to be contacting each other for now.

I know there are those who say it's a bad idea to have no contact with an ex, but one thing that has comforted me during this process is that though I'm grieving his absence from my life, I don't actually have to grieve for him - it's not like he has died or anything. It's reassuring to know that he's still out there and he's OK, and that we can have some kind of relationship in the future. I wouldn't want him to vanish from my life altogether.

He has a lot of issues, and he's a very troubled person in a lot of ways. I do want things to work out well for him, it's just painful to know that I won't be with him when they do.

As for my friend, I have made numerous attempts to be friends with her again, all of which have been rejected in her usual passive agressive way. I certainly won't apologise to her, because I don't feel I have anything to apologise for. I took a chance with someone - someone who she had not been involved with for many months - and I got my heart broken, but I would never have known where it could have gone with him if I had never tried. She was already happy with a different guy by the time I started going out with my ex, so I thought she wouldn't flip over it.

I did know that I was making a choice though. I chose him, and he turned out to be not right for me, but I had to find that out for myself.

amtc

I moved out of home 10 years ago...but only moved out the last bits last year. I had letters and cards from eight guys telling me that they would love me forever - now I can't remember most of their second names. One or two I smile when it's their birthday and I wish them luck in my mind.

When I was devastated after the last ex, I went to my doctor, fully expecting tablets, and she wrote me a prescription for chick lit and crap tv. It does get better, I promise you!