affair advice

angus1

I feel your pain... I too have found out my wife has been having an affair recently.. we have been married 3 years,, 2 kids 6 and 4... their cover was blown by her lovers wife finding texts messages between each other. We were happily [ish !!] married,a few financial problems, but both of us had and have jobs... no rose petals floating around the bedroom for us, but would never have thought we were about to hear the bombshell that landed when it did.
They had been in regular contact since meeting in the school yard [kids drop off etc ] last september, and as my wife explained ' he gave me lovely comments on how I looked , and my clothes were lovely etc ' then it developed to texting...then sex [ oh which meant nothing !!!]So I am actually to blame for the demise of our marriage unknown to myself, because, I am a man after all, and never spoke much about my wives needs, or feelings ?
As a result of thier fling there are 2 destroyed families , kids on both sides, and I don't know which way to turn ..probably like yourself??
I sadly never left my wife, and we immedietley tried to talk {!!} and repair our relationship... and we are back in the same bed ,having the most amazing sex for the last week....I feel I should back off now as I need time to evaluate my feelings for her as I feel the make up sex is only a 'quick fix' solution, waiting to backfire on us..... I need to get my head around the fact that I am being told she 'deeply loves me and regrets what she did ' while Our vow of marriage has been ripped to shreds as a result of her unfailthfullness, and our ideas of 'love ' differ from what it actually means?
I even considered having a fling with someone to see can she feel the hurt I am feeling at the moment ? But I know this wont fix the problem we have to deal with, as I have only found out about this 2 weeks ago , and the wound is very fresh!
Your 15 year relationship must feel like hard done by ? Even if it was 5 years , the pain wouldnt lessen. The fact is betrayal,deceipt and pain carry no limits when you love someone, are you seeking counselling? I am starting some next week, as I feel I need an honest and neutral opinion/advice with no prejudice towards our situation.

Nymeria

angus1 wrote: »

I sadly never left my wife, and we immedietley tried to talk {!!} and repair our relationship... and we are back in the same bed ,having the most amazing sex for the last week....I feel I should back off now as I need time to evaluate my feelings for her as I feel the make up sex is only a 'quick fix' solution, waiting to backfire on us.....

Hi PP, I'm sorry you are also going through a terrible ordeal. I would advise you to do something similar to the OP - give yourself space and time away from your wife to see the wood for the trees. At the moment it seems like you are trying to paper over the cracks, which is a short term solution that won't end well. Your wife needs to acknowledge and understand why she gave herself permission to do this, and again this is not your issue but hers. Many couples go through stress and ups and downs in the years with young kids, it does not give her permission to have sex with someone else.

I just wanted to pick up on what you have said in the quote above - please google 'hysterical bonding', ad it will give you insight into what you are going through. Often after an affair a couple goes through a stage of intense sexual episodes, and it may seem that everything is wonderful. This is quite common, and usually does not have baring on whether the relationship will survive.
At the moment you are both trying to prove to yourselves and eachother that you still fancy eachother and still have good intimacy...after a while this buzz will fade and you will be left to deal with the hurt that is still there. I'm probably not describing it very well, but there is information about it out there, you may recognise a lot of stuff.

I would also advise you to get real life support, and look online as there is lots of resources.

I wish you the best.

angus1

Hi Nymeria...
what can I say.. your words brought a huge reality check to me there, I can honestly say you maybe right. I even feel I am betraying my own thoughts since the affair came out in the open. I initially felt anger.... dissapointment.. then despair.. despair that I actually may lose the one person I adored and cherished more than anything , to a dirty affair!! And I could have been at fault??? So best repair it FAST ..accept it and make it better.... but I know deep down in my heart, it has ripped me apart, and no quick fix, sexually or emotionally driven buzz, will cover over the hurt one feels when cheated on.
Counselling starts this week for me later this week, while the wife has started hers already.
While our kids have no idea anything has happened, as we are 2 fantastic parents to our children, and their happiness will be parramount regardless of which way this dirty linen washes out! It sickens me to think of having a life ,not waking up every morning , looking forward to being squashed into the tiniest of shapes humanly possible a man can get into, while his kids invade the bed .. shoveing me this way and that way with bony elbows, knees while they are watching spongebob and Dora !!
We will take small steps from here on I think....watch this post !! thanks again

Hi angus I have given you your own thread, don't take over other poster's threads please

All the best

Payton

Hi OP your going through a very rough patch now and I'm going to seem selfish but from here on in its all about you, your wife made the decision to text, sexting, meet for sex knowing what damage would be done so dont let her put the issues on to you.
1. You need to look after yourself, I see your going counselling which is great.
2. Look after your wellbeing...stay off the junk food and the beer, it will only get you down, go for walks..spend time with your kids and keep active.
3. Support...family and friends are so so important now..a good ear for you when your down can be so important. Remove yourself from negative people who are easy to apportion blame.
4. Think about what you want from this...short term and long term because it could get very complicated later and setting ground rules now will guide you.

The ball is in your court now if you want to work on/save your marriage and your wife needs to give and to be seen giving 120%. The biggest issue is can you trust her again?...and only you can make that decision.
I wish you the best.

schwalbe

Seems like your being played here tbh.This wasn't a once off drunken mistake but a year long thing and you're being blamed!
The great sex is a cynical ploy to reel you back in I'd say,you think she's been screwing someone else for this past year and is suddenly really into screwing you again?Doubt it tbh.
If you want to save the marriage or think you have then go to counsellors and they'll talk you into forgiving her but I can't see her respecting you ever again tbh and it may happen again,this is a year long indescretion quite early in the marriage,there's no coming back from it in my opinion.
She has taken respect from you and now you have to take it back or suffer the consequences of her respecting you even less for the rest of your life.
Don't worry about the kids,an unhappy marriage will probably screw them up more than no marriage and you didn't chose this,she did.