Why do I get jealous??

LegacyUser

Hi,

I went out with a girl for over a year, starting the beginning of 2011,and it ended quite badly early last year. She broke my heart, but long story short, I can see now how lucky I was to get out of that relationship for various reasons. During that time, I noticed myself getting jealous all the time. I developed trust issues early in the relationship, due to her going behind my back meeting an ex, so I just assumed that's where they stemmed from. I hated her saying one of my friends was good looking, or to a lesser extent men on TV! If she was talking to someone in a pub on a night out that I didn't know, it would go through my head that he might be someone she was with previously etc. Absolutely ridiculous stuff, i know! I never experienced anything like it previously, but she was the first girl I loved. This would often lead to huge fights, and I think it was possibly down to having low self-esteem. Since that ended, i got into good shape, self esteem seemed to rise, and I had a lot of fun in the year or so that i was single.

I am now in a new relationship, with a girl i have fallen in love with. I'm 28, she's 25. She is my dream girl, who I trust 100% and we've never had anything resembling an argument. But the same stuff seems to be creeping back in, even though it hasn't led to any arguments as we get on so well together and I hate the idea of me drunkenly having a go at her for chatting to some guy in a bar, so I'm hoping I can get this under control. The key here is that I trust her, she is an amazing person. But again, any time she mentions any of my friends, or some randomer being "hot", then i seem to die a little bit inside. I find myself wondering about her past, how many people she has been with. I know a few guys she has kissed, and hate her bringing that up. I keep telling myself that everyone has a past, so why can't I just get on with things?! I'm afraid i'll fcuk this up! I'm a decent looking guy, who's never had any problems with getting girls, I've got a very good job and I pride myself on being an excellent boyfriend, so what's the problem? She always tells me how happy and proud she is to be my girlfriend, and for the most part I'm happy, but for some reason my mind drifts to this bad place, where i begin to wonder these things. What can I do to stop this??

ShaShaBear

JealousBF wrote: »

Hi,

I went out with a girl for over a year, starting the beginning of 2011,and it ended quite badly early last year. She broke my heart, but long story short, I can see now how lucky I was to get out of that relationship for various reasons. During that time, I noticed myself getting jealous all the time. I developed trust issues early in the relationship, due to her going behind my back meeting an ex, so I just assumed that's where they stemmed from. I hated her saying one of my friends was good looking, or to a lesser extent men on TV! If she was talking to someone in a pub on a night out that I didn't know, it would go through my head that he might be someone she was with previously etc. Absolutely ridiculous stuff, i know! I never experienced anything like it previously, but she was the first girl I loved. This would often lead to huge fights, and I think it was possibly down to having low self-esteem. Since that ended, i got into good shape, self esteem seemed to rise, and I had a lot of fun in the year or so that i was single.

I am now in a new relationship, with a girl i have fallen in love with. I'm 28, she's 25. She is my dream girl, who I trust 100% and we've never had anything resembling an argument. But the same stuff seems to be creeping back in, even though it hasn't led to any arguments as we get on so well together and I hate the idea of me drunkenly having a go at her for chatting to some guy in a bar, so I'm hoping I can get this under control. The key here is that I trust her, she is an amazing person. But again, any time she mentions any of my friends, or some randomer being "hot", then i seem to die a little bit inside. I find myself wondering about her past, how many people she has been with. I know a few guys she has kissed, and hate her bringing that up. I keep telling myself that everyone has a past, so why can't I just get on with things?! I'm afraid i'll fcuk this up! I'm a decent looking guy, who's never had any problems with getting girls, I've got a very good job and I pride myself on being an excellent boyfriend, so what's the problem? She always tells me how happy and proud she is to be my girlfriend, and for the most part I'm happy, but for some reason my mind drifts to this bad place, where i begin to wonder these things. What can I do to stop this??

Tell her about it!
A lot of girls, when in a comfortable and fully satisfying relationship have no problems saying they find someone attractive. At the end of the day, it's you she gets into bed with. Speak to her, tell her that because of past relationships you tend to get jealous and suffer low self-esteem and her speaking about people she finds attractive gets you down. It's not so massive a thing that she couldn't keep it in check for the most part. As well as that, to aid you, I would suggest some sort of counselling or therapy, because while she might be willing to hold her tongue to keep you happy, I imagine after a while you will start using her silence as a reason to panic and wonder IF she finds someone attractive.

heretochat

This problem is with you and not her and comes down to basic insecurities on your behalf.

How is your new girlfriend to know that innocuous remarks on her behalf are drivng you up the wall unless you tell her?

It would never bother me if a girlfriend said she fancied someone on TV or someone was "hot" in a pub etc. That comes down to being secure in oneself and trusting one's partner..

This sort of thing can be very destructive and you would appear to be rather possessive.. That can destroy relationships unless properly dealt with.

LegacyUser

I am doing my best to deal with this, and for 95% of the time, I am fine. It just seems to be when I'm on my own, my mind drifts to such stupid things. She is amazing, and has no idea this is how I get. I trust her to the last, but I suppose it's just one of those things.

I don't think I'll talk to her about it. Not unless it gets worse anyway! When you say it out loud, it sounds so trivial and meaningless, and I guess it does stem from my previous relationship where the other person was a terrible human being.

Thanks all for the replies, much appreciated!

ShaShaBear

JealousBF wrote: »

I am doing my best to deal with this, and for 95% of the time, I am fine. It just seems to be when I'm on my own, my mind drifts to such stupid things. She is amazing, and has no idea this is how I get. I trust her to the last, but I suppose it's just one of those things.

I don't think I'll talk to her about it. Not unless it gets worse anyway! When you say it out loud, it sounds so trivial and meaningless, and I guess it does stem from my previous relationship where the other person was a terrible human being.

Thanks all for the replies, much appreciated!

All it takes is a quick and lighthearted "Careful now, you might make me jealous!!" to give her enough pause to reassure you once that she is, after all, with you and not that guy at the end of the bar.

My OH knows I am in a long-term relationship (in my head) with my tattooist and he smiles every time I actually have to deal with him face to face, because he goes out of his way to embarrass me! I know he'd never feel jealous, because he knows how deeply attracted to him I am, and I consider my tattooist as an exceptionally perfect work of art that needs worshipping I asked him before did it bother him and he said no, because I don't know these people's personalities, so there's little beyond the physical attraction - hed be much more worried if it was someone I knew personally and really well, because obviously their personality would then be a factor in my fancying them. Something to keep in mind OP.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, there are good looking people everywhere. You love your gf, but I'm sure you'd still notice a gorgeous girl in the street. It doesn't mean you want to be with her, it just means that you can see... And you know she's good looking!

Since the day I started going out with my husband, I stopped wanting to be with other people. I knew he was the one for me. But I still thought certain people were gorgeous. Certain people ARE gorgeous!! It doesn't mean I want to be with them... I think Cheryl Cole is the most beautiful person in the world... I'm straight!!

You know yourself you are being irrational, and that's a good start. Just know that in the same way that you will still think someone is good looking, so too will your gf.

But if it is something that really bothers you, no matter how trivial you think it is, you should be able to bring it up with your gf. You say she is wonderful.... Well then wouldn't she want to know if something she was doing was upsetting you?

If it was the other way round, wouldn't you want her to tell you?

BraziliaNZ

If your girlf is saying other men in pubs are hot when you're there, that's a bit much in my opinion. I wouldn't like it, some people would have no problem with it but a lot of people would, so maybe tell her to stop that. As for celebs etc, you need to let that go, that's just normal.

JenEffy

She says other guys are hot in front of you? That's a bit much. If you don't want to directly tell her how you feel, maybe point out a hot girl in front of her and see how she reacts?