Discipline ????

Wexf

Hi guys,

Any helpful advise appreciated,

I have a 3 year old daughter , she lives with her mother, currently starting divorce proceedings, won't go into that . I have my daughter 1 day a week. With my job being the way it is I can't manage more than that but I am requesting overnights. Anyway the issue is with correcting my daughter, she is wonderful, I would say that but there are times when she can be bold. Especially with adults, she will ignore people when they talk to her, grunt at them refuse to pick things up when she drops them . She will winge when she doesn't get her own way. She is a lonely child and her mother would be the kind to adopt a more "let her do her own thing" philosophy which basically means she is never corrected at home and it's left to me to be the bad guy for the 8 hours I see her every week. This leaves me feeling guilty after I've dropped her home. I'm trying to find a way to discuss this with her mother but given the situation this isn't easy. I'm asking for advise on how firstly how I should approach her mother about the situation but aswell as that trying to get the most out of my time with her without letting her run riot. Basically when she is good she is very good but when she is bad. For instance when I was at my mothers house my daughter and her little cousing were watching television my mother tried to ask her a question and she replied in a very hostile way. Her little cousin actually told her to talk nice to her nanny. This is we're I have to jump in and explain to her that that's not very nice and that she can't talk to adults like that she will sulk and get moody, she doesn't like been corrected . Anyway any advise

pwurple

I would suggest broaching this with a child psychologist. Parents not getting on, separating and going on to divorce all impact on a child, one which she cannot possibly articulate at her age. She may need reassurance and things explained to her in terms she can understand.

dharma200

I'm afraid I have to say, for someone who sees the child for one days per week, it's a bit much to say the mother has a let her do her own thing attitude.... Aside from that perhaps make sure you have lots of little activities planned to keep her entertained... I'm my experience of have g children, at three years old, can all be moody, hostile, and generally try to work out barriers that can be crossed. I would say on,y seeing you for such a short while is both confusing and upsetting to her...she perhaps feels totally removed from your family ie. her nanny, and is hostile maybe because of this. I am not saying you are to blame for her behaviour but to expect a child to be ippecciably behaved when in the middle of a divorce, to cite the primary caregiver ie. mother as the blame for being a hands off parent,many to see the child for only one day a week and to find even in those eight hours you need help with her behaviour and discipline, I really think you should take the above advise, and perhaps go to see someone about the who,e issue of being a separated parent or parenting classes... I really also suggest that you definately push to have a longer time with your child, eight hours a week to a three year old will not do anything for her feelings of security, consistency and being a par too your family. Hths

Jessica-Rabbit

First off OP I would not undermine her mother's parenting skills, they may not be on the same wave length as yours but she is doing her best for her child. She is only doing what she feels will benefit her little girl. The vast majority of parents only have their child's best interests at heart when it comes to parenting and even though it may not be your style, it may work for them.
Undermining her parenting skills will cause more arguments and tension between both of you and your little girl will be caught in the middle of this.
I have no doubt you are a wonderful father who wants nothing but the best for his child, what I would advise you is that your child is also going through this divorce, she went from having mummy and daddy living together with her, to now having just mummy and seeing daddy once a week, it must be so hard for her as she is so young she do not fully understand whats going on but feels that her life has been altered greatly.
Give her your undivided attention, lots of praise for good behavior, trips out to the zoo or to the park, and have fun activities at home like painting drawing crafts ect., this will give you the opportunity to shower her with praise.
When she is naughty of course correct her, but don't make a big deal tell her what a good girl she is and how she dose not need to do naughty things. When she is around her nanny, praise her to her nanny, tell her nanny how good she was that day ect.
She needs reassurance, lots of love and kisses and cuddles.

Best of luck OP xx

2xj3hplqgsbkym

As I understand it you must be separated 4 years to get a divorce, so if you have only seen her 1 day a week all her life I can see why it would be difficult for her to do as you say and behave how you like, combined with the stress put on her from the divorce.

I live with my 3 year old and we discipline him by withdrawing treats, toys, time out on the couch, making him clean up etc... But he would still do all of those things you mentioned (and more!) I think it is just normal 3 year old behaviour.

You can't know that your ex does not use any discipline techniques if you don't talk to her about it. Perhaps approach the subject by suggesting you should both agree on discipline and ask her what she does and what works or doesn't work, then share your ideas on what you should do.

She could have somthing that she brings to both houses like a reward chart or treat box so she knows that the same rules apply and the same behaviour is expected in both houses.

December2012

Read up on what is normal for a three year old (everything you've described to me and I've a 5 and 2 year old).

Then factor in the upheaval she is experiencing by the separation and divorce.

Then look for ways to parent and discipline positively, eg "Mary I really liked it when you spoke to me in your lovely princess voice. Your lovely princess voice is my favourite".

"I really like the fact that you use such good manners like please and thank you. You are such a grateful little girl."

Sometimes adults are rude to children, imagine you're watching a match and your mam keeps talking to you - how do you feel?

If there is something you want to correct, say "you used your cranky voice, I can't hear you when you use your cranky voice. Could you say it in your lovely princess voice so I can understand you?"

Wexf

Thanks guys, I appreciate the feedback. We actually visited a psychologist regarding visitations, she was a bit vague. I was prevented from having my daughter at my house and was only allowed to have her at my mothers house so a psychologist was suggested to advise us. The psychologists basically stated that it would be up to us to judge what our daughter would be comfortable with.

My problem is that I'm walking a very fine line with my ex, she is a wonderful mother and has our daughter into everything, which is great. But is is also a scorned woman and has in the past been very volatile , not for the past few months though.

I realise critising her parenting style might sound a bit rich considering I only have her 8 hours , that's why I was asking for advise so I doesn't sounds like critisism . Asking her how we should discipline her is a good idea, I think if I approach it more like me asking her for advise it might have a better outcome. I know it's not related but I haven't missed a single maintenance payment , inspite of some serious financial hardships. I'm not saying that this entitles me to undermine my ex but I'm just saying I'm doing my best in a bad situation for everyone

I'm in the process of trying to change my job situation to have more regular hours so I can see my daughter more often. Overnights have been ruled out for the foreseeable future, my ex says she doesn't think that our daughter is ready to spend nights away from her mam. I was inclined to agree with her as she seemed to be making her decision based on what's best for our daughter rather than based on any ill feeling she has towards me.

FYI,,, you can get legally separated after 1 year of living separately , once you have got your judicial of legal separation agreement you have to wait 3 years before you can remarry but legally you are unmarried,

2xj3hplqgsbkym

Wexf wrote: »

Thanks guys, I appreciate the feedback. We actually visited a psychologist regarding visitations, she was a bit vague. I was prevented from having my daughter at my house and was only allowed to have her at my mothers house so a psychologist was suggested to advise us. The psychologists basically stated that it would be up to us to judge what our daughter would be comfortable with.

My problem is that I'm walking a very fine line with my ex, she is a wonderful mother and has our daughter into everything, which is great. But is is also a scorned woman and has in the past been very volatile , not for the past few months though.

I realise critising her parenting style might sound a bit rich considering I only have her 8 hours , that's why I was asking for advise so I doesn't sounds like critisism . Asking her how we should discipline her is a good idea, I think if I approach it more like me asking her for advise it might have a better outcome. I know it's not related but I haven't missed a single maintenance payment , inspite of some serious financial hardships. I'm not saying that this entitles me to undermine my ex but I'm just saying I'm doing my best in a bad situation for everyone

I'm in the process of trying to change my job situation to have more regular hours so I can see my daughter more often. Overnights have been ruled out for the foreseeable future, my ex says she doesn't think that our daughter is ready to spend nights away from her mam. I was inclined to agree with her as she seemed to be making her decision based on what's best for our daughter rather than based on any ill feeling she has towards me.

FYI,,, you can get legally separated after 1 year of living separately , once you have got your judicial of legal separation agreement you have to wait 3 years before you can remarry but legally you are unmarried,

FYI .... Legal separation is different to divorce.

Good luck with speaking to the mother and changing your job.

Wexf

Thanks rosebush