How does one deal with Uglyness?

PatL23

So im a young male(early 20's) with self esteem issues, unfortunately i think isn't because of a weak mental state, it's because i'm ugly(in my very honest opinion).
It has been bothering me an awful lot lately, seeing so many aesthetically pleasing people. When i go out to pubs i just feel so shiat because there are so many people with nice facial features, by Irish standards of coarse.
I just feel so hard done by. Like I'm an easy going guy, slightly introverted, play sport, interested in a vast amount of topics, 6ft tall, weight issues - but currently battling it, also going bald( i feel this is a big one for girls of a young age). Failed genetics i know.....

There are so many guys both younger and older than me that have been with a fair amount of girls/are in relationships, have girls somewhat make a fuss of them, initiate conversations, flirt with them, talk to them, have girl-friends.
But me? Nope, never had the pleasure of that happen. I just stand there while they talk to my friends, not even looking to talk to me. Even when i try to join a conversation, i'm sort of drowned out by the opposite sex.

So many people are enjoying socialising. But i'm currently absent from that vital part of life.

It has made me rethink my goals, my academic future, my life in general.
I'm currently in a losing battle with my weight after losing 2 stone, because my mind is just saying whats the point?

Now i know people are going to say that women are the everything, i'm not clingy, it would just be nice if women acknowledged my existence, and have the craic and a nice conversation/friendship.

In fact i just rejected my friends requests to go out on a Saturday night because of my issues.

At this stage i'm not looking for a girlfriend even though my biological urges say otherwise, just a woman friend would make my life so much happier.

Question: What should i do to perhaps improve my life??? Because i'm basically clueless at this moment in time.

Sorry in advance if my writing/grammar does not make sense, i fail at writing.

Caonima

Jesus, you sound just like me in my 20s. I was on accutane for chronic acne and losing my hair, and had a social circle I could count on one hand.

PatL23 wrote: »

Question: What should i do to perhaps improve my life??? Because i'm basically clueless at this moment in time.

If you're at a crossroads, you probably do need to address some things, not to improve your life, per se, but to improve how you feel about yourself.

Start by detaching yourself from Facebook culture etc. and stop basing your life by what you see of other people's. Get out of the habit of comparison and contrast - if you have low self-esteem, this can only end one way.

Become interested in yourself - look, I know you're losing your hair, but that's not the end of the world. PM me and I'll show you what you could possibly look like, hair or no hair. Also, and I know this will come across like crass low-grade middle management type schtick, but set some targets for yourself. Simple stuff like initiate a chat with a girl (or guy, whatever), hold your end up, engage someone etc... Not to dazzle anyone, but just to be comfortable in your own skin.

I found part of my difficulty lay in the fact that I was constantly trying to second guess people in interactions - I'd almost script a conversation in my head before I spoke to a person and if it didn't go the way I expected, I'd be floundering. Listen to people when they speak - there's no expectation for you to come back with a witty repartee immediately; just absorb what they say and add to it. Hard to teach this, but over time you just get a feel for it.

I mean, you could go as far as I did back in the day where I used go to the pub on my own and pretty much just watch people and how they interacted. Say of that what you will, but when you realise that people are generally just normal, day to day interaction becomes easier.

Regarding your friend's request to come out, you should've went. Throw yourself out there; you'll never meet anyone sitting at home holding your cock (sorry, but I mean that in a nice way).

Life will never escape you, it's just something that takes practice like anything else. Know yourself a bit more, lower what you believe to be other people's expectations of you, set some targets for yourself, and just try to be nice to yourself.

thegreatgonzo

Fair play to you for losing 2 stone:-) It's good for your health so of course there is a point to it.
It is true that we all judge everyone by their appearance, no point denying it. But what is also true is that everyone's perception of what is attractive is different. I don't know if you look like the elephant man or not (I bet you don't) but you seem to think that only stereotypically good looking people get to be happy in love and life. I think you have closed your eyes against seeing all the less than stunning people in these pubs you are going to and you are just fixating on the aesthetically pleasing ones. (Nice turn of phrase by the way.)
You mentioned losing your hair and that being a turn off for younger women, don't assume that all women like the same things:-)

Mini claire

Hey.. I always found personality, Sense of humour & being a nice person far more attractive than the physical form.
Keep yourself healthy & fit,physical activity this will boost your humour & also give you confidence.....
Give yourself some credit... Be confident in yourself, like yourself if you can't love yourself yet.....
Theirs always hair transplant if it really bothers you.
But I always found men who were going bald very sexy when they owned it & shaved it all off !!
That's the beauty of beauty everyone has a different opinion & taste on what is attractive!
I'm 30 & far more confident & happy in my skin than when I was 20. You will too with time x

Elmer Blooker

I think you are being hard on yourself, I know a woman, 20s, smouldering hot with eyes so beautiful you have to look away, her boyfriend is no George Clooney and is balding prematurely so don't give up.
Looks aren't as important for men as they are for women, just try to be a bit more confident. Best of luck.

thegreatgonzo

Elmer is right unfortunately about looks not being important for men ;-) Also you guys usually age better than us too damnit.

scarymoon1

Maybe it's not your looks that are making you lonely. You said 'by irish standards' makes you come across as a bit arrogant. And if your jealous of other ' good looking ' people you could come across again as arrogant and jealous. In my opinion if a person is nice and has a nice personality he will attract girls and friends. Work on your personality, you can't change your looks anyways, that's not being mean but it's true!

beks101

With respect, you've got two legs and arms that work, no facial disfigurements and a reasonable level of intelligence, nothing "hard done by" about it.

Keep going with the fitness and weight loss, that's one of the main factors when it comes to physical attractiveness and it's one well within your control. Off the top of my head, some of the "hottest" guys I know aren't especially above average looks wise, but they're insanely fit & health conscious and the physique and overall 'glow' that comes with that is what makes them stand out. And these are just lifestyle things you can manage easily - exercise vigorously, eat healthily, don't drink heavily, drink loads of water, get enough sleep.

Dress well & maintain an interest in your sense of style beyond the old boot cut jeans/check shirt. Shower daily. Smell nice. These all go a long way.

Quit comparing yourself to other people. Even if you were 100% better looking than you are now, there'd still be someone streets ahead of you, it's just a futile exercise that will dent your self esteem further and make things even more difficult for you socially.

Smile at people when you're out. Make eye contact and ask people questions about themselves. Watch your posture. Make an effort to engage when you're in a group situation, don't be left standing on the sidelines looking in - its up to YOU to make yourself noticed, no one can do it for you.

The bald thing - honestly, if you're in wicked shape, well dressed, outgoing, easygoing and social, it's barely something that would register on many women's radars. We tend to take in the whole package, rather than honing in on one particular feature.

I'd say the biggest part of your problem is your own self image, which is predominantly negative, and that's the vibe that people are picking up from you - that you've no confidence, are not at ease with yourself and are feeling at a disadvantage in every single room you walk into. That's an incredibly powerful & grim message about yourself to be radiating into the world and the easiest way to keep people from wanting to be around you.

username123

Its your attitude thats the problem, not your looks.

Who wants to get chatting to someone who is portraying awkward, poor me, fail vibes at a social event? People are attracted to confidence, self assurance, and a good personality.

If you are not happy with yourself how do you expect anyone else to be happy with you?

Sounds cliched, but until you learn to like yourself you wont be attracting other people to like you either.

Stop worrying so much about your hair and your weight - do you think Jack Black gives a monkeys about his height, hair and his weight? He has a hot wife, and ladies love him - why? Because he is full of self confidence and he is happy with who he is.

The secret to social success is being comfortable in your own skin. Thats it.

Manco

By realising that socially imposed definitions of attractiveness are a load of excrement.

ViveLaVie

OP, when I was younger I tended to only be attracted to classically good looking men.

I'll share a story with you. I met a friend of a friend one night. Nothing special to look at, wouldn't batt an eye at him in the street.
He was far below my usual standards, looks-wise.

Then he started talking to me. He was so witty and engaging, his personality was infectious. I found myself getting more interested as the night wore on. Eventually, I scored him and I was delighted with myself.

I didn't see him again for a while and I asked myself why I had kissed him. In hindsight, I realised I wasn't particularly attracted to him and couldn't understand why I'd kissed him. He's not good looking, I said to myself!

A year later, out with the same friend and that guy is there too. I kept thinking, I won't score him tonight, I don't find him attractive. Cue him speaking to me again. I was laughing the whole night and, again, became extremely interested in him. My female friend was chatting with him for a while and I started to get jealous! Yes, jealous! Scored him again in the end.

I dated him for a few months after that. He became so appealing to me because of his personality, which was just electric. It sounds trite but it's the truth.

A guy I work with at the moment is really good looking but his personality is non-existent and while I found him attractive at first, now I don't.

Personality counts for an awful lot more than you think. Looks only get you so far.

PatL23

Thank you everybody for your insightful/helpful replies. Clearly I do indeed have a lot to work on, stuff I was too blind to see until point out in the above posts, because of my own self-hatefulness.
I was feeling really down in the dumps last night but am feeling more alive today.

One trait or skill i find i am lacking in is conversing with an individual or groups of people outside of my small/close circle of friends, sure i can start a conversation but after a minute or two, after the usual small talk iv suddenly hit an impenetrable barrier, its as if my brain suddenly doesn't know what to say, then the awkwardness is in full flight and the conversation hits a crossroads and we more than likely we part ways.

Also humour, humour doesn't come naturally to me as such in my ability to make people laugh. Can it be learned?

I have soo much to work on, but this thread has made me think more intensely about the problems at hand.

Again, thank you everyone

TheminxIRL

Hi Op I think you are putting too much emphasis on looks only.

My last partner was by no means good looking but at the time he was my everything.

He was short with a pot belly and going bald and not very pleasing to the eye if im totally honest but he was a kind, honest warm person who treated me well and for that I loved the very bones of him.

We are no longer together because he had to emigrate due to lack of work but I would never judge a person on looks alone because they dont always mean a good heart.

you need to get out there and meet people, let your personality do the work and not your face.

As people we are often way to self critical of ourselves and not how others perceive us to be.

ivytwine

No humour can't be learned in the sense that if you stood there telling jokes like jimmy Carr people would probably think you're awful strange!

People often tell me I'm funny and smiley and it's probably because I see the absurd in almost everything. Looking at the light side of life is something you can learn to do.

Also interested people are interesting. The world is so big and fascinating, and there's so much to see and do it's really a waste to be worrying about things you can't change (like your hairline). Find things you love and interest you and you won't be short on conversation.

Xidu

If I choose someone to marry, I will see if he is reliable, honest to me, good to me, willing to take responsibility, like kids, having a proper job. If he is good looking, then it's a plus. If he isn't, it's not a problem at all.

December2012

Yeah you can learn conversation skills.

Toastmasters help with "public speaking" on a big and small level.

Things like open ended questions are good - "what do you think of this music" generates an answer that's more potential than "do you like this song?" Which only generates a yes/no.

kikel

Yeah, nothing to do with looks. Check out his video. This guy is some crack.

<Mod Snip - videos are banned here and can result in moderator action, please read our charter>

Also, was out with a group of guys lately on a stag. Guess who had all the women at his feet? The fat guy of the group. He was so full of personality the women were throwing themselves at him. He was dancing and chatting all night.

Neyite

PatL23 wrote: »

One trait or skill i find i am lacking in is conversing with an individual or groups of people outside of my small/close circle of friends, sure i can start a conversation but after a minute or two, after the usual small talk iv suddenly hit an impenetrable barrier, its as if my brain suddenly doesn't know what to say, then the awkwardness is in full flight and the conversation hits a crossroads and we more than likely we part ways.

Also humour, humour doesn't come naturally to me as such in my ability to make people laugh. Can it be learned?

OP, the key to being a good conversationalist is listening. The trick is that most people love to talk about themselves, so asking where they work, what they do, what they like about their job etc are all good openers. Others would be what they did at the weekend - it might throw up hobbies they enjoy that can be discussed.

You probably do have a sense of humour - you find things amusing I'm sure, you just need to be a bit more comfortable. as long as its not forced, mean or crude most humour is welcomed. Just dont think that you need a sense of humour. I know someone who enjoys a joke very much but he himself wouldn't be witty. Yet loads of people love him because he is kind, has integrity and is a nice unassuming guy.

osarusan

My only advice would be to not just think of the pub as the place to meet / talk to people.

you've mentioned that you're interested in loads of different topics - are there ways you can meet people with similar interests, and talk about those interests.

Away from places like the pub, where there is often an undercurrent of "does this person like me/how can I make this person interested in me", in a more relaxed environment where you can meet people who share your interests, you should feel and consequently appear more relaxed and comfortable.

club goldgrain

In my humble opinion, work on confidence, look at yourself in a mirror but only look at what you like about you, you will find there are far more positives than negitives, work on one thing at a time that will give you a boost, say your hair, shave it , you no longer have ahair problem, now you have taken a negitive and added it to the positive,
woman IMHO are attracted to confidence not nessecary looks,
learn to like yourself first.