How Do I Let Her Down?

Confused.Me

Can anyone help me???

I have been with my partner for 6 years but things have gone very much downhill for us over the last year. I no longer feel as though I love her and I know that it is time for me to leave.

This is where it gets even harder......

A few months ago, our relationship deteriorated to the point where we both agreed to break up. However, we both ended up fearing the worst about being able to move on and we got back together shortly after.

Since then, nothing has changed as regards my feelings for her. We argue a little less(arguments were constant for months before we ended it the last time)...but other than that, there is no spark there anymore....at least none that I am aware of.

More complicated......

Since the very week we got back together, she has been pressuring me into marrying her and constantly wants to plan for the future. It's as though the worst period of our relationship never happened for her.

I am very concerned as to how she will take me breaking up with her at this stage. I feel horrible as she has no close friends, and is 2 hours from her sister -the only person she is truely close with. In truth I would not still be in this relationship if I wasn't so worried about how the aftermath will turn out for her.

I want to be able to think of myself in this matter but I find it so hard as I do love her as a friend and don't want to leave a scar that won't heal.

If anyone can help me, I would be extremely appreciative, as when I think about it for myself, I find myself fighting her corner as well as mine.

daisybelle2008

No one can help you, you need to help yourself, grow some balls and stop staying in a relationship out of fear. Sounds like you both badly need to learn some independence and self reliance. She is not going to make new friends while she is putting all her energy into pressuring you up the aisle against your better judgement. With you out of the equation she will be forced to make a life for herself and you can stop believing that she and not you is responsible for her own life and happiness.

Stavro Mueller

The sooner you end this the better for both your sakes. I've a feeling your girlfriend senses she's losing you and that is why she's trying to get you up the aisle. Or that the time being single gave her an uncomfortable insight into how empty her life is without you in it.

Either way, there's never going to be an ideal time to pull a plug on this. If you leave it for 6 months what will be different? She'll still have no friends, you'll still be wanting out...

If you don't end this now, you're only making life more difficult for yourself. At least at the moment you're in a position where you can walk away without any strings attached. I've no doubt the break-up will be tough. You will possibly get pleading phonecalls/texts, angry abusive ones etc. In time she will get over it and she'll be fine. Human beings are surprisingly resilient.

moochers

Hey OP,
+ 1 to above posts.

Totally agree with the suggestion that she is pushing you into marriage as she knows that you are planning on leaving. It's unfortunate that she doesn't have any close friends but this is not your problem. If you are unhappy in the relationship you have to get out. Simple as.

You are not in love with her and are clearly unhappy. Nobody should ever have to just 'settle' with someone or be guilt tripped into doing so.

It will be difficult but she will get over it.

Confused.Me

Thanks to all for the responses...I guess I know that I have to do this.

The question now is...How?

I've never broken up with anybody before as this is my first relationship and it was a mutual decision for the brief spell that we weren't together.

LottieP25

Just be honest, don't drag it out .

Trust me as someone going through this right now honesty is the way to go.

moochers

It's going to be difficult, there's no doubt about it. The best thing to do is just be totally honest, you are not happy and not in love with her. She knows herself that things are not working out though she may not admit this. Of course she will probably be very upset, which is completely understandable.

As I said it will be hard to do, but the most important thing to do is stick to your guns, do not let her guilt trip you and do not give her false hope. For example it's pointless to tell her that ye are having a break and that in a couple of weeks/months ye will evaluate the situation when in actual fact you have no intention of getting back with her.

Stavro Mueller

Tell her it's not working and that you want to break up. Or whatever wording you feel works best. The most important thing is to cut contact after you do the deed. By talking to her etc. you run a very real risk of giving her false hope. She might think that you'll change your mind. It might also stop her from moving on. So once you break up delete her from Facebook (and block her if necessary), get rid of her number from your phone etc. It sounds horribly cold but it's the best way for you and her to move on with both your lives.

scarymoon1

Reading all these harsh replies makes me feel sorry for this girl... Dump her now, delete her from Facebook, block her! don't just dump her and then cut contact, that's the worst thing you could do, that's terrible. Ye were together for 6 years, not 6 weeks.

Meauldsegosha

scarymoon1 wrote: »

Reading all these harsh replies makes me feel sorry for this girl... Dump her now, delete her from Facebook, block her! don't just dump her and then cut contact, that's the worst thing you could do, that's terrible. Ye were together for 6 years, not 6 weeks.

If he keeps in contact with her it will give her false hope that they could get back together as they previously did. Something you have to be cruel to be kind.

OP you need to be honest with her and the sooner the better.

Stavro Mueller

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

If he keeps in contact with her it will give her false hope that they could get back together as they previously did. Something you have to be cruel to be kind.

OP you need to be honest with her and the sooner the better.

Indeed. This forum is littered with posts from people who stayed in contact after break ups and it caused more harm than good. It's not always the case of course but this one needs a clean break. Partly, as outlined here because they'd previously reunited but also because she hasn't many friends. The OP's concern for her could very easily be misinterpreted as him wanting them to get back together. We humans are very good at deluding ourselves sometimes.

Confused.Me

Thanks again for the replies.

The basic theme here seems to be that I have to be honest.

I definitely intend on being completely honest, I respect her an awful lot and she deserves more than to be thrown aside without reason or explanation. I know that she will want to keep contact but I know from the last time that this is something that definitely can not happen this time around. Above all else I don't want to give her false hope...now I just need to gather myself in the appropriate way.
We are currently living together and I will be moving about 2 hours away with no car....how I'm going to sort that out I don't know.

maria34

Well saying that you dont love her any more may work best? Because if you say that you want to break up with her may give her false hope... Because last time you got back together.

moochers

I agree with Cymbaline. I know that my aforementioned posts may seem harsh but when you are ending a relationship, honesty is the best policy. I myself have being at the receiving end of both relationship endings, that is ending it and not wanting it to end. So I am certainly not immune to heartbreak. However, clinging on and hoping a relationship that is beyond repair can be salvaged is not healthy. I firmly believe that the best way to move forward is to cut all ties.

I'm not on Facebook myself but I constantly hear about exes trawling facebook to look for photos of their exes on night outs and if they see a photo of their ex with their arm around someone else they fall to pieces. This completely hinders their ability to move on.

scarymoon1

So when does he cut contact? The next day? Week? Month?

Stavro Mueller

When the practicalities are sorted is the best time. The OP has said they're living together so that will have to be tidied up. He has to get his stuff out of there and move two hours away even though he has no car. So I guess he's going to have to either ask a friend or a trusted sibling/cousin who has a car. Or in a worst-case scenario, hire a van. But once that is done it's best to cut the contact.

Moochers mentioned Facebook and they're right. For people who've been dumped and still have feelings for their ex, watching their Facebook page can be like daggers through their heart. Or becomes "Stalkbook" for some people as they obsessively watch their ex's page and keep tabs on where they're going, who they're chatting to, what girls they're appearing in photos with. Even something as mundane as Whatsapp takes on new meaning because you can click on a person's messages and see when they were last active on it. (Who was he messaging at 4 a.m.?)