ex's parents buying her presents from our child

adviceonissue

Hi guys,

I have an issue,on the grand scheme of things not nearly as serious as some peoples but advice or suggestions would be great

My ex and I have been broken up for nearly a year and we have a one year old

We initially had problems as break ups do but got over it very quickly for our child and have found our footing and get on very well

The only thing that bothers me is her parents buy her presents from our child on big occasions where I the father have already both stuff for her, for example they both her gifts from our child for her birthday last year were as I had already done,they both her Xmas presents where I had,then they did for mothers day and its coming around to her birthday again and I know they will again which really bugs me.

Even though we aren't together they know I still do my role as the dad and buy mother the gifts on these occasions so I'm not sure why,she buys me gifts on these occasions from our child so I dont see why they continue to do it as my parents never have.

Has anyone been in this situation or can offer me advice,am I over reacting(more presents are always better for single mothers,they do a hard job and deserve so much credit and I fully understand and appreciate that) but i cant help but feel they are trying to step on my toes on purpose

Esoteric_

Sounds more like they're just being nice and making sure she's spoiled rotten with gifts on nice occasions.

I think you're over reacting, OP.

Stavro Mueller

I hope I'm reading this right because your post is a little hard to read (I assume you mean "for" when you're typing "from"?). You're annoyed because your child's grandparents are buying presents for his/her birthday, at Christmas etc? To be honest I think you are being extremely disingenuous. In my experience, a lot of grandparents openly dote on their grandchildren, far more so than they ever did with their own children. Just because your parents don't buy gifts for their grandchild doesn't mean that this is the norm. You should be glad that your child has grandparents who obviously love him/her and are only waiting for a reason to give them a gift. Unless there's something else going on here that we don't know about?

Esoteric_

cymbaline wrote: »

I hope I'm reading this right because your post is a little hard to read (I assume you mean "for" when you're typing "from"?). You're annoyed because your child's grandparents are buying presents for his/her birthday, at Christmas etc? To be honest I think you are being extremely disingenuous. In my experience, a lot of grandparents openly dote on their grandchildren, far more so than they ever did with their own children. Just because your parents don't buy gifts for their grandchild doesn't mean that this is the norm. You should be glad that your child has grandparents who obviously love him/her and want to be part of their life. Unless there's something else going on here that we don't know about?

I think he's saying that his ex girlfriend's parents buy the ex girlfriend gifts 'from the child' for occasions like mother's day, her birthday, etc. The OP is annoyed because HE buys his ex girlfriend gifts 'from the child' for those occasions already.

Stavro Mueller

Ah...like I said, I found the original post a bit incoherent and hard to read I still think he's over-reacting though.

Merkin

I'm afraid I can't make head nor tail of your post OP. Can you maybe read over it again and edit? It is very unclear as to whom and what exactly you're talking about.

tinkerbell

So let me get this straight .... You and your girlfriend broke up and now you're pissed off that when it is her birthday or Christmas, etc. her parents buy her birthday and christmas gifts and say it's from the child?

OP, you are totally out of line here. It is NONE of your business what they buy your ex girlfriend, none whatsoever. It'd be different if they were buying huge gifts for your child when you and your ex had agreed on certain things only (so as not to spoil the child) but this is totally different. So seriously, get over yourself and drop this. You're coming across as very controlling IMO and you're not even together anymore. And who are you to deny your girlfriend of gifts from her own parents?

Chattastrophe!

Agree that you're overreacting, I can't see how this is an issue at all. It's up to her parents what gifts they want to buy for their own daughter and when, and if they want to say that the gifts are from her kid/Santa Claus/the feckin tooth fairy, that's their own business too!

I'd say trying to step on your toes or whatever is the last thing on their mind - sounds like they're just nice generous people who enjoy spoiling their daughter occasionally.

Meauldsegosha

I have to agree with the other posters here and say you are overreacting. It doesn't really matter how many presents your Ex gets from people for whatever reason. You can still buy presents for your child to give to their mother.

heretochat

Esoteric_ wrote: »

Sounds more like they're just being nice and making sure she's spoiled rotten with gifts on nice occasions.

I think you're over reacting, OP.

Have to agree with this 100%. Can't see a thing wrong with parents getting gifts for a child on a special occasion.

Along with everyone else who got the gist of your post, I think you are over-reacting

Big Bag of Chips

I couldn't care less about birthdays, wedding anniversaries, mother's day etc.. it's just another day. But my kids love them!

For my birthday, and my husband's birthday we always organise a "surprise party". The party is for the kids, and consists of a few sweets/bars and a cake. The excitement is unreal!! All hush hush plans and whispering about how to organise it, then hiding behind the curtains and jumping out shouting "SURPRISE", at just the right moment! It never gets old

When I buy a present for my husband the kids sign the card and give it to him from them.. not from me!

Your exes parents are buying gifts for THEIR daughter. They are giving them to her THROUGH your daughter.... Because kids love that sort of thing.

That's it. That's the reason. Nothing sinister involved. They're not trying to undermine you. They are just giving their daughter a present, but making your daughter feel special by involving her.

Merkin

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

For my birthday, and my husband's birthday we always organise a "surprise party". The party is for the kids, and consists of a few sweets/bars and a cake. The excitement is unreal!! All hush hush plans and whispering about how to organise it, then hiding behind the curtains and jumping out shouting "SURPRISE", at just the right moment! It never gets old

Awwww, that's really cute!

desbrook

I'm on my own here (a first - as usually I'm in full agreement with the other posters here) but I have direct and indirect experience of this issue and beg to give the OP some support .

Just to be clear the issue is enabling/funding children to buy Mothers Day / Birthday / Xmas gifts FOR THEIR MOTHER/FATHER .

Firstly I'll give you some indirect experience . MY gf is widowed about three years . I'd only gotten to know her kids (10 and 8 ) a few months and was suprised when they bundled me into the kitchen one day in March. The reason - they wanted me to help buy their mam a Mothers day gift . It was a hugely signifigant moment not in terms of my relationship with their mother but my relationship with them . It was a real bonding experience going out and choosing something with them and wrapping it etc . It brought a closeness that the OP wants in the future with his child as one yr old s soon grow up !

Mother's day / Fathers day is a great chance for parents especially separated ones to remind and demonstrate to their children that they value EACH OTHER'S role as a parent . The OP makes that point - "single mothers do a hard job " he says . Direct experience - I fund and enable my own children to buy my ex wife her mothers day present and vice versa . Despite the fact that we are not together we still have parenting roles and the kids see that and want that .

Helping his child to buy the other parent a gift is a parenting role - one that the OP cherishes . The grandparents should value the fact their granddaughter has a mature and caring dad . Taking the role themselves is very unfair .

Big Bag of Chips

I'd have to disagree slightly with you desbrook!

OP, you buy presents for her, from your child. Your ex knows that these presents are coming from you, as the other parent, and that you are doing it on behalf of your daughter. As your daughter gets older you will bring her with you to pick out the presents, and she will love the excitement of being involved, and seeing her mam open her presents that she picked out

Your ex also knows that the presents coming from her parents, are from her parents! In time they may also bring your daughter out to pick out presents, too. But I don't see this being a bad thing. Your ex gets gifts from the people who care for her, and your daughter enjoys the attention too. (Loads of kisses, cuddles and thank yous!!)

You have your own unique relationship with your daughter, nobody can change that. And her grandparents have their relationship with her. It's not a competition, because you all have completely individual relationships.

sbsquarepants

I'm kinda with the OP on this one - it's a bloody odd thing to be doing, but i don't think i'd bother mentioning it or causing a fuss of any sort. I'd just quitely roll my eyes and think "weirdos". The world is full of them, though i suppose these ones are harmless enough!

desbrook

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I'd have to disagree slightly with you desbrook!

OP, you buy presents for her, from your child. Your ex knows that these presents are coming from you, as the other parent, and that you are doing it on behalf of your daughter. As your daughter gets older you will bring her with you to pick out the presents, and she will love the excitement of being involved, and seeing her mam open her presents that she picked out

Your ex also knows that the presents coming from her parents, are from her parents! In time they may also bring your daughter out to pick out presents, too. But I don't see this being a bad thing. Your ex gets gifts from the people who care for her, and your daughter enjoys the attention too. (Loads of kisses, cuddles and thank yous!!)

You have your own unique relationship with your daughter, nobody can change that. And her grandparents have their relationship with her. It's not a competition, because you all have completely individual relationships.

Two things - Firstly the grandaparents can buy their daughter or granddaughter gifts in their own right . The issue is why on earth would they buy their daughter gifts on their granddaughters behalf ??? Usually that's only done if the father isn't around or can't be bothered because of laziness or animosity towards the mother . However here there is no need . This man wants this "fathering role" which is accepting responsibility and is good for the future well being of his child . Doing this simple act reinforces the childs feeling that they are a source of unification between their parents not division !! Yes the child is only one now but the OP is looking to the future and doesn't want to set a precedent .

Secondly the OP's ex HERSELF buys him gifts on behalf of their daughter . She feels the natural instinct to do this . It's not an alien concept to her family .

Big Bag of Chips

I'm guessing they all live in the same house, and it equally feels natural to the grandparents to buy these gifts.

I'd be very surprised, OP, if it was an attempt to undermine or even overshadow you.

If it annoys you that much, maybe say it to your ex. But be very clear WHY it annoys you. But I honestly don't think it will ever make the slightest difference to your child. Or to your relationship with her.

LegacyUser

cymbaline wrote: »

Ah...like I said, I found the original post a bit incoherent and hard to read I still think he's over-reacting though.

It was actually pretty straightforward. I don't think you're wrong to be annoyed. Could you have a word with her parents. Maybe put it to them, that you would like to do this with your son. I mean it shows solidarity and a good relationship between the two of you and is good for a child.

moochers

Hey OP,
Just a different perspective from my own experience. I split with the father of my ex 11 years ago when my son was almost one and I was pregnant with my second. He went on to meet someone else, got married and now has two girls.

His parents have always being a fantastic support to me and my boys. They take my two boys for four weeks every summer. They also always send me money for christmas and my birthday. They are just wonderful and I'm grateful to them for being so good to me and my boys.

Even though my break up with their Dad was very difficult in the initial stages all that animosity has stopped now due to me taking a leaf out of his parents book. I buy his girls presents at Christmas and Birthdays and the boys have a great relationship with their sisters. Your ex's parents are actively involved in your child's life and they love her and want to support their own daughter, this is a good thing and it will reap dividends in the future. They are not trying to sideline you out, they are doing what every grandparent does.

desbrook

moochers wrote: »

Hey OP,
Just a different perspective from my own experience. I split with the father of my ex 11 years ago when my son was almost one and I was pregnant with my second. He went on to meet someone else, got married and now has two girls.

His parents have always being a fantastic support to me and my boys. They take my two boys for four weeks every summer. They also always send me money for christmas and my birthday. They are just wonderful and I'm grateful to them for being so good to me and my boys.

Even though my break up with their Dad was very difficult in the initial stages all that animosity has stopped now due to me taking a leaf out of his parents book. I buy his girls presents at Christmas and Birthdays and the boys have a great relationship with their sisters. Your ex's parents are actively involved in your child's life and they love her and want to support their own daughter, this is a good thing and it will reap dividends in the future. They are not trying to sideline you out, they are doing what every grandparent does.

That's all great but do your parents help and fund your son to buy your mothers day present? Thats the issue, nothing more.

ShaShaBear

Maybe the grandparents don't know you already do this with your child, and are helping and supporting their daughter being a single mother by doing what you, the father, normally would?

I was once good friends with a girl who had a far less than amicable split with the father of her child. However, on her birthday, at Christmas and for Mother's Day, daddy always made sure that, during her visits, their daughter made a card for mummy and took a present home that he had sourced. It was something for them to do together, and helped him maintain a harmless connection with the mother of his child as parents to the little girl.
Her sister was left by the father of her child, and he never made such attempts. So my friend started doing it instead. Because she felt that, while the child probably doesn't get it straight away, they will learn a sense of generosity, kindness and the ability to display love. Now her sister gets cards and presents for every important event from her son.

So again, as I said above, maybe they don't want their daughter or grandchild to miss out on this experience and are taking the matter into their own hands because: a) they are not aware that you are doing it or b)they are aware that you could just stop doing it or forget to do it, and they will always be there to make up for the shortfall.

Either way it's harmless, thoughtful and shows that your ex and grandchild have some fantastic family members.

moochers

Hey Desbrook,
No my parent's don't help fund my boys mothers day gifts to me but if they did I'd love it. Never look a gift horse in the mouth and all that.

If the OP's girlfriends parents were buying presents for the Mum on behalf of him I'd understand why he would be pissed off. But they are buying gifts on behalf of their grandchild. I really do not believe they are doing this intentionally to undermine the Dad, they are doing it to include their grandchild and because they love their daughter.

If the roles were reversed OP and your parents bought you Fathers day gifts would you accept them or would you think your ex would be pissed off and think her role was being undermined.

It's obvious that you are bothered by it so maybe have a civil word with your ex and just tell her how you feel. If it is to undermine your role as a Dad then you can challenge it but it is probably just a kind gesture to their daughter and nothing more.

adviceonissue

Hi everyone op here

Thank you so much for all your comments and advice,seems to be a 50/50 structured advice section

To answer a couple of questions no they do not live in the same house,they know full well that I buy gifts for her from our child on these occasions thats why I feel it to be a bit odd.

If my family were to buy me a gift from my daughter to me I would be put off,I always see it as the parents job,my ex and I have a good relationship and both do this for each other so o can't understand why her parents do.

Both of us are single at the moment but I ask you would I be out of line to be upset of her new boyfriend were to do it?

moochers

Hey OP,
No you would certainly not be out of line to be annoyed if a potential new boyfriend was to buy the mother of your child gifts on behalf of your child on mothers day. You are the father nobody should ever try and step into that role.

It would be a different scenario if you were not involved and if she was in a very committed relationship with someone else. However that's not the case here. You are very much involved and a very good Dad, and I commend you and your ex for putting your daughter first.

Matteroffact

desbrook wrote: »

I'm on my own here (a first - as usually I'm in full agreement with the other posters here) but I have direct and indirect experience of this issue and beg to give the OP some support .

Just to be clear the issue is enabling/funding children to buy Mothers Day / Birthday / Xmas gifts FOR THEIR MOTHER/FATHER .

Firstly I'll give you some indirect experience . MY gf is widowed about three years . I'd only gotten to know her kids (10 and 8 ) a few months and was suprised when they bundled me into the kitchen one day in March. The reason - they wanted me to help buy their mam a Mothers day gift . It was a hugely signifigant moment not in terms of my relationship with their mother but my relationship with them . It was a real bonding experience going out and choosing something with them and wrapping it etc . It brought a closeness that the OP wants in the future with his child as one yr old s soon grow up !

Mother's day / Fathers day is a great chance for parents especially separated ones to remind and demonstrate to their children that they value EACH OTHER'S role as a parent . The OP makes that point - "single mothers do a hard job " he says . Direct experience - I fund and enable my own children to buy my ex wife her mothers day present and vice versa . Despite the fact that we are not together we still have parenting roles and the kids see that and want that .

Helping his child to buy the other parent a gift is a parenting role - one that the OP cherishes . The grandparents should value the fact their granddaughter has a mature and caring dad . Taking the role themselves is very unfair .

I definitely agree with you on this Desbrook. I don't think it is the grandparent's job to buy presents for their daughter from her child. To me this would be the father's job. It would be different if the father was not doing it but he is. So that means the child is giving the mother 2 presents, which would be very confusing later on if this continues. The child needs to know that one present is all that is required to give a person on their birthday, not 2.

Tramps Like Us

OP I can see your issue and I agree that what the grandparents are doing is a bit weird. It would be one thing if you didn't buy presents for your ex on behalf of your child, but you do. I can understand that this is a "thing dads do" for their kids, and by her parents taking over it can send the message that a) You are somehow not fulfilling your duties as a dad so they need to step in or b) They are trying to take over and exclude you, or otherwise show you up.

They are stepping on your toes, but it might be inadvertent, they might just be trying to be nice. You'll have to think back about your relationship with them and their character and try and determine if they are the type of people who would do something like this, this behavior would not be isolated, it would be one of a litany of things they have done - unless of course they are just innocently trying to be nice.

You also have to ask yourself if it is worth making an issue out of - I'd say it's probably not. You seem to have a decent relationship with your ex and giving out about this could jeopardize it as she might not understand the issue and see it from your POV (like some in this thread) and think you are being a dick making an issue out of nothing, having a go at her parents, begrudging her gifts etc, could be a mega disaster.

If you can't put up with it I'd suggest that come Christmas or you ex's birthday contact your child's grandparents independently a month or so beforehand and suggest that you all chip money in together to get one big gift, you could start off the convo by saying that you didn't want to get the same thing etc. Then when (hopefully) that goes well and you get a great gift you can suggest you coordinate on the next gift.... and the next... and what will probably happen is that you will gradually take over these gift getting gigs. Especially when your child gets older and you go out together with your child to get the gift, you can just ring the grandparents and ask them what they think their daughter would like. Could work out grand.

CaraMay

I think it's none of your business tbh. You seem to want to make a drama out of this. Why can't she get 2 presents? It would be a different story if they were asking you to pay for a gift. Their money, their business how its spent.

daisybelle2008

OP, is there more to this issue for you? Because it really objectively is small in the bigger scheme of things.
You mention hypothetical scenario of your ex getting a boyfriend. Do you still have feelings for her? Maybe the split has made you insecure about your position as a Dad, which is very understandable. But then the issue is your insecurity and not that you are being usurped by parents (and are fearful of another man coming in and doing the same).

clairefontaine

Gift giving and receiving can be hugely symbolic, perhaps OP feels grandparents gestures make him feel redundant, especially if he is already insecure about his position on the family totem pole.

I'm sure he wants to feel noble and doing the right thing, but its taking his limelight away when grandparents do it.

Thing is you have no control over this, you have to accept it. I think it's very nice that you that btw.

youandme13

Don't think it's actually any of your business if her parents get her gifts for their daughter Your not together anymore

LegacyUser

I find so much of this "problem" to be infantile and immature. Are you, OP, honestly saying the mother of this child is in some way treating the gifts as if the child bought them?

Everyone knows where the gifts come from, who's fooling who?

Time to grow up and move on.

LegacyUser

bananaRep12 wrote: »

I find so much of this "problem" to be infantile and immature. Are you, OP, honestly saying the mother of this child is in some way treating the gifts as if the child bought them?

Everyone knows where the gifts come from, who's fooling who?

Time to grow up and move on.

It's not immature or infantile if you have any insight into how these things that appear small to adults can be of significance to a small child. It's the child that will receive mixed messages and confusion.

Big Bag of Chips

I think people are underestimating children!

A child is not going to get confused by giving their parent presents. They will love the attention and fuss of handing over presents.. they don't care who buys them!

When your child becomes old enough to get involved in choosing the gift, they will know when handing it over 'this is the present I bought with Daddy' and 'this is the present I bought with Nanny & Grandad'.

The mother knows who is spending the money. The child will know who buys the present (although it won't matter to them) and when the time comes that they have their own money, I can't imagine them feeling under pressure to buy a present from their dad and grand parents! I know I've never bought a present for my mother from my father (come to think of it, I don't think he's ever bought her one either )

I have a friend who buys me presents, from her to me. She usually gives them to my kids to give to me.... And then I usually let them open it! They're not confused by this in any way, shape or form! They just love the excitement of presents.