War poem (feedback really appreciated!)

Dave!

I'm no Wilfred Owen, but let me know what you think!

I lately feel my sleep is light:
Thrashing, tumbling through the night,
My mind can hardly rest for long:
Repeatedly, I hear a song.

But more than that what occupies,
Preventing closure of the eyes,
Is ghastly thoughts inspired by sights
Of a land where gunfire fills the nights.

Acutely I can see grim scenes
Of children’s bodies piled––obscene
and vile; grotesque––they’re blown apart;
The chewing of a human heart;

Explosions tearing limb from limb;
A father, weeping, knows it’s him
Who must avenge with loaded gun
The murder of his only son.

Yet images of misery
And death become banal to me;
We’ve relegated to mundane
Agony, torment and pain,

And famine, genocide and war;
emotion stuffed inside a drawer;
Has psychopathy taken root,
which renders intervention moot?

What sinister thought vexes me
Is not a war across the sea,
Nor conflict in a place of sand,
Nor mustard gas in foreign land;

But rather what disturbs my slumber
Is peristent fear and wonder;
When I close my eyes what greets
Is red-starred tanks on tarmac streets;

A fire growing ever high
And wide; the cloud engulfs the sky;
The heat is overwhelming me
As burning skin is all I see;

Melting flesh and singeing hair,
The stench that whafts throughout the air,
Stifling my very breath;
Mercifully, enter Death,

Enter darkness, exit light.
What disturbs my sleep tonight?

Monkeybonkers

I'm not really into poetry so couldn't give you a good critique on it but as a lay reader I enjoyed it.

In the second last verse do you mean waft instead of whaft? I presume it's just a typo.

Good effort

Dave!

Thanks

Not a typo, it just sounds like it should have a H in there :pac: It seems not, though!

GalwayGuy2

Hmm, I wonder could I contribute a war poem I wrote on this thread?

Dave!

Better off creating your own thread.

Wouldn't want any confusion, what, with this torrent of feedback I've got to filter through in this thread

TerrorFirmer

I'm not a poetry fan usually but I thought it read extremely well and I rather liked it a lot.

Dave!

Thanks a lot!

wil

I think I'll contribute to the torrent before I head over to do a bit of weeding on my own effort.

I'm no expert, (IANE), probably quite the opposite, but as Oscar said the only thing worse than being talked about ....
ok I'll shut up and get on with telling what I liked and what didnt get me.

For me there is quite a bit of light and dark in it, the images and subject in parts very dark obviously, but quite a light element in the tone and the finishing line. It reads well, though I'm not sure if the consistent rhyming benefits the subject matter. Perhaps your intention is to lighten the tone, hence the "song."

I do particularly like the 3rd last stanza
"A fire growing ever high....."

and for some reason the line "Is red-starred tanks on tarmac streets;"
The image is striking and it trips on and off the tongue well.

Third stanza is disturbing, particularly the use of the word "children", but then that is the subject matter

The line that got me least was mostly because of the word "psychopathy", but I dont have any other suggestion, perhaps it is a suitably cold word for that lack of feeling.

Is the title "War poem" or is that meant as a description?

Anyway, I hope you get a better nights sleep tonight:)

All thoughts expressed are purely my own, and may be disturbed.

Dave!

Thanks a lot

I don't tend to put a lot of thought into rhyme-schemes tbh; I probably should. I tend to just use one that I like that I encountered before and liked! In this case it was the Masque of Anarchy

I'm pretty bad at coming up with names for these things, so that's just a description, yeah.

Thanks for the feedback

GalwayGuy2

You know, and I'm sorry to disagree, but I don't think the problem is the word psychopathy. I actually think it adds a nice rhythm and rolls onto the next line.

I think the slight jar in the rhythm is the fact that the part in bold may be a different rhytm to the preceding part.

And famine, genocide and war;
emotion stuffed inside a drawer;
Has psychopathy taken root,
which renders intervention moot?

It is a brilliant poem

But there seems to be a lingering moment with the word "Drawer", and the new rhythm does jar slightly in the expectation of something happening after drawer.

Just my two cents.

EDIT:

Just to add, I actually kind of like the word psychopathy:) In re-reading that line, I think the "Has psychopathy taken root" really creates that cold, deliberate, unemotional rhythm of psychopathic behavior.

Dave!

Thanks!

I think it depends on how you pronounce 'psychopathy' tbh - which is probably not a good thing, because people will pronounce it differently!

I was pronouncing it as:

sy-ko-path-ee

Which, to me, seems to fit into the rhythm.

wil

Dave! wrote: »

Thanks a lot

I don't tend to put a lot of thought into rhyme-schemes tbh; I probably should. I tend to just use one that I like that I encountered before and liked! In this case it was the Masque of Anarchy

I'm pretty bad at coming up with names for these things, so that's just a description, yeah.

Thanks for the feedback

Might I suggest "War song" not a million miles from what you have. It evokes and is evoked by the sense of the song going round your head, disturbing your sleep, as well as the theme and the rhythm.

Funnily enough, everything sounds better in bold, even psychopathy.
It really is down to your preferred pronounciation, but now my real beef is the word "And":pac::D

Finally the last 2 lines make me wonder if you might be a closet Metallica fan:cool:;)

Its all good.

Dave!

Haha, I'm not a big Metallica fan, but yeah after I wrote it it did occur to me that it may be a bit similar to Enter Sandman

Gokei

How does,

"Emotion stuffed inside an unopened drawer"

Read to ye instead.

Original line seems short to me..

Dave!

I don't think that fits with the rhythm actually - the original line does, I think

I don't actually like that line at all (the original one)

GalwayGuy2

I was pronouncing it as:

sy-ko-path-ee

Now I don't know how I pronounce it.

Dave!

I think the alternative is:

sy-kôh-path-ee

With the short 'o' sound It's probably more correct.

I won't agonise over it anyway, but will consider it in any future revisions! Thanks

wil

Dave! wrote: »

I won't agonise over it anyway, but will consider it in any future revisions! Thanks

I agree, Once it's published, all the agonising has already been done.
Roll on the difficult second poem:D

Dave!

This is probably the one that I'm happiest with of anything that I've written - I fear that I have peaked! Everything else will be a disappointment!