Love problem.

Wacker The Attacker

I had a chat with a really good friend last night and he raised a nasty problem he has.

He's in his early thirties and is single with no kids. He has a decent job and is a fairly good bloke.

He has confided that he has fallen in love with a teenage girl. He says that the feeling he has are really strong.She's seventeen and has just finished her leaving certificate. There has been no sexual contact between the two and he hasnt told her or anyone else.

He's aware that it would most likely be completely inappropriate to act on these feelings. On the other hand they are so strong that they are starting to have a negative impact.

He has said that if she was 4 or five years older he would have acted on these feelings. Although technically there would be nothing wrong with him pursuing this it would appear completely unbecoming.

What would you do?

heretochat

Steer well clear if I was him. They are at two completely different places in their lives.. She has only finished school and will have dreams of college, going out with friends, maybe travelling etc.

He is at a poiint where he is probably looking at settling down with someone, having kids etc.

Under no circumstances could anyone encourage him to act on his "feelings".. The age gap is way too big and he will do no more than come across as a lecherous old man...

Wacker The Attacker

heretochat wrote: »

Steer well clear if I was him. They are at two completely different places in their lives.. She has only finished school and will have dreams of college, going out with friends, maybe travelling etc.

He is at a poiint where he is probably looking at settling down with someone, having kids etc.

Under no circumstances could anyone encourage him to act on his "feelings".. The age gap is way too big and he will do no more than come across as a lecherous old man...

True enough. Thats the thinking on everyones part.

Chara1001

Hi op,

I'd agree it'd be unbecoming, and i don't think its love, just lust.
What could a man in his 30's and a girl of 17 have in common? They are at completely different points in their lives, she has a lot of living to do before she gets to the stage he's at- she needs to go to college, think about a career, see the world, make new friends, go on mad nights out, have relationships, and make mistakes.

Although technically it would be legal, its too much of an age difference at the wrong time. If she was 27 and him in his early 40's, or her 37 and him in his 50's the difference wouldn't be inappropriate as it is in my opinion now. Technically it would be legal but when you HAVE to talk about technicalities and legalities, you're on shaky ground anyway.

I also think he's risking his reputation a bit, i'm trying to put myself in your shoes and imagine what i'd think if one of my male family members/ friends of your friends age introduced me to his 17 year old girlfriend, and to be honest, i don't think i'd like it very much. If he acts on his feelings and she doesn't feel the same, he could be seen as a bit of a creep, and if she does? They're probably not going to find themselves compatible for long and then what? He'll always be the guy who had a 17 year old girlfriend, which is probably not going to be attractive to his next potential partner.

I don't know Op, it seems all wrong

You don't indicate whether his feelings are reciprocated in any way, but i don't think it should matter- in my opinion he needs to stay away until this crush passes, which it will.

Wacker The Attacker

Its definitely inappropriate verging on the uncomfortable alright.

Chara1001

Did you tell him that?

Emme

A guy in his early 30s with a 17 year old seems wrong, but a man in his early 50s with a 37 year old is ok.

I don't know what I would advise this man, perhaps he should wait until the girl is 18 and see if he feels the same way then.

Merkin

It sounds more like an infatuation than love. If they were both older and such an age gap existed it wouldn't be such a big deal but she is barely out of puberty and he is a mature adult. I'd tell him to steer clear, not to go making any mad declarations by any means and maybe concentrate on meeting someone closer to his own age. Fine as a fantasy maybe but I'm not sure declaring undying love to a teenager would be advisable, she's barely legal after all and it wouldn't reflect well on him.

moochers

I agree with other posts too. He needs to stay well clear.


Twenty years ago when I was 17 I thought someone over 25 was ancient and if a man in his thirties hit on me I'd think he was a creep. He is playing with fire. Even if she did reciprocate his feelings, it will never last and could lead to trouble. She is too young and they will have nothing in common. She is just at the age of consent and isn't legally allowed to drink yet. She needs to enjoy her new college life with peers her own age and he needs to accept that and move on.

IrishEyes19

Emme wrote: »

A guy in his early 30s with a 17 year old seems wrong, but a man in his early 50s with a 37 year old is ok.

I don't know what I would advise this man, perhaps he should wait until the girl is 18 and see if he feels the same way then.

I have never gotten why people try and compare something like 30's and 17 with 50's and 37. Its a blantant obvious answer. A 37 year old has gone through a lot of life stages and can maturely cope with a relationship with a 57 year old. I was an idiot at 18. Relationships at that age for me were all over the place. break ups here. flings here. And that was stressful enough.

OP, I would strongly advice your friend against it. It may be legal, but she's mentally a kid. And the brigade of "its a free world" can come out in droves here if they wish. But its creepy. If it was my daughter, there would be war. And I would seriously wonder what a man in his thirties was missing that he needed my 17 year old who isnt even old enough to drink, to fill his time.

MissFlitworth

I'm in my early 30s, if I loved a 17 year old I would step back from them. Nothing good could come to them from my love for them, I like to think I wouldn't be selfish enough to try anything with someone who was at such an impressionable period in their life that a declaration of love from someone who was older than them, and therefor pretty attractive, would turn their head and stop them from going ahead with their life like a normal teenager. Love is no excuse to behave badly.

freshpopcorn

If I was in your friends situation my head would be telling me to stay clear but I can see how this is effecting your friend heart when he feels in love with her.
On another note their is a 13 years age difference between my parents. They started seeing each other just after my mam finished her leaving cert when she was 17 and my dad was 30. They got married 3 years later and there happily married nearly 33 years. My mam told me at the real beginning some people might have judged them but after a while people could see that they were serious about one another people let it go.

LegacyUser

If he acts on this, he can expect his family and friends to have issues with it. And I wouldn't imagine it going down terribly well if his workplace found out.

It just gives me the creeps, that a mature man feels this way about a girl who is barely legal. As others have said, she's not fully matured yet, so I would find him being interested in her very sleazy and inappropriate.

I also don't know how he thinks he loves her, by your post, he doesn't seem to know her that well. Unless you mean that he is in a relationship with her already, and just hasn't told her that he loves her?

It's just creepy and quite weird. If he proceeds with this relationship, he can expect major bad fallout in his personal life, and his work life too; of course people talk - I really don't think he'd get on well in his career if it was known that he was dating someone barely legal, at his age - the creepiness element besides, at the very least it would show spectacular immaturity on his part

thefeatheredcat

It's a tricky one for me to answer because I've been that 17/18 year old involved with a guy late 20s and generally have always gone out with guys older than me. If she's mature for her age beyond her age and both are on the same page in values, beliefs and what they both want, I can understand saying see how it goes if she feels the same. MissFlitworth raises a very good point, I was crazy about a guy who was 28ish when I was doing the LC, even though I was 18 and we had actually met a year before that through a festival and just clicked and had a lot in common. If he hadn't taken a step back - despite that probably not what it was at the time and certainly not how I perceived it - I might not have pursued what I did and things could be very different for me now. And yes I was impressionable, very much so, despite being more mature for my age and despite his life not really going anywhere and mine had somewhere yet to go, I would have given up everything to stay with him if he had felt that way. Same again with a teacher I knew who was quite young who asked me out after I finished the LC, to this day I feel it was wrong, not so much the age, but more the abuse of his position of power as the only way we even knew eachother was through school, and had barely spoken much so tbh I was quite shocked. I'm not sure how your friend knows this girl, but if it's through being in a particular position of authority such as a teacher or coach or tutor or something, I would feel it quite wrong for him to involve himself with her using whatever trust has been built more professionally.

However, on the other hand, I am early 30s and have a nephew who's 15, only a couple of years younger than this girl. To me, any male around 17 wouldn't appeal at all, given that it's a close age range to my eldest nephew. I wouldn't associate myself, at my age, with individuals that young who for them, secondary school and the leaving cert was yesterday, unless work or a common interest/hobby/volunteer work or something along those lines lead me to having to interact with them as I'd feel I'd have no real business hanging around teens that young, never mind having a relationship with a 17 year old boy. I see teen girls around in the shopping centers that are around 17/18 and tbh I don't see what I could possibly have in common with them bar being the same gender and hormones and boys and all that, or experiences or whatever, but I'm sure they'd probably think I was as ancient as their own mothers/aunts/grannys and would dismiss me as having little in common with them too.

I would have to be honest here and say if I met a guy my age who had been romantically or sexually involved with a 17/18 year old, I wouldn't be comfortable with that; I know my 17/18 year old self wouldn't see anything really that wrong with it, but from my point in life now with a teen nephew not far off her age, I wouldn't be comfortable with it, same as that if a friend my age or late 20s was involved with - in a relationship or friends with - someone that age, I wouldn't be that comfortable with that as I'd just regard them as being close in age to a family member, or think I could be their aunt. If she was early 20s I'd be more comfortable with it, I think for me I'm just generally of the feeling that a grown adult in late 20s/early 30s has no real business being in contact with a 17 year old, save for work related or community work or knowing them around but not personally.

ivytwine

Wacker the Attacker, I just saw this article on Facebook after I read this thread. It's about girls younger than this one your friend likes but it's a good read all the same.

http://www.xojane.com/issues/stacey-rambold-cherice-morales

It's his job to be an adult about this. We can't always get what we want.

daithi1970

It's not love he's feeling,it's infatuation.. the fact that she is unaware of his feelings underscores this-he needs to move on and try to find someone closer to his own age. Absolutely no good can come from this, IMO.

Daithi

Caonima

Wacker The Attacker wrote: »

I had a chat with a really good friend last night and he raised a nasty problem he has.

He's in his early thirties and is single with no kids. He has a decent job and is a fairly good bloke.

He has confided that he has fallen in love with a teenage girl. He says that the feeling he has are really strong.She's seventeen and has just finished her leaving certificate. There has been no sexual contact between the two and he hasnt told her or anyone else.

He's aware that it would most likely be completely inappropriate to act on these feelings. On the other hand they are so strong that they are starting to have a negative impact.

He has said that if she was 4 or five years older he would have acted on these feelings. Although technically there would be nothing wrong with him pursuing this it would appear completely unbecoming.

What would you do?

I had an experience slightly in line with this in my job last year; one of my students (17) had a crush on me. On the whole, you realise very, very quickly that if you're over 30, you have absolutely nothing in common with a girl that age, not to mention the mortification involved if you actually acted on it. I just let her down easy, told her I was getting married, and after a while she got the idea. Personally, I was terrified if she told any of her friends she had a crush on me; Chinese whispers can quickly distort the truth. This was also one of the other reasons I let her down easy - I didn't want to piss off a teenager, when you realise the problems they can make by spreading a lie or rumour.

Tell him to steer the hell clear for a while, get some sex, and take his mind off her. Try to avoid seeing her, too.