gutted

LegacyUser

I am in the same boat now. But I've been with my partner 15 year and have 4 kids under 10, we've been married 5 years now.
I discovered this week he is on numberous hookup sites for married people looking for sex locally. He stays away from home with work a lot, so has plenty of time to see people (even though he swears it was just online). I confronted him and he blamed me because I suffer from depression. Everytime I try to talk to him he ends up screaming at me. I have told him to stay away from me for a while till I figure out what to do.
I am gutted and heartbroken and just don't know what to do next, 15 years is a long time.

Neyite

OP, I've given you your own thread so you can get advice specific to you.


First and foremost, you are not to blame for him looking outside of your relationship for sex. He chose to make that decision. To break your marriage vows (or intend to) There are many other things he could have done instead, like, I dunno, talk to you? And if what he says is true (though I highly doubt it) how can your depression make him go online to message others?? Stupid man cant even lie convincingly! And screaming at you is to make sure you back down from the questions you see. Pure defensive.

Its a classic script cheaters nearly all follow:
Deny Deny Deny.
When faced with proof, Minimise -it was online/only texts or messages/just flirting/ it was only the once etc
If they did have sex, it was just the once/it meant nothing etc.
They try to shift the blame elsewhere - You were too busy with the kids/Too tired for sex. They try to get angry to deflect from their misdemeanors.

Its only with decisive action like packing their bags and making them leave and instigating separation /divorce proceedings that makes them realise that they blew it. Only then they are sorry, and will suggest marriage counselling, or be more forthcoming with details about the affair.

If it was only online, its still a breach of trust as the intent was there. You did the right thing asking him for space until you figure out what you want to do. Meanwhile copy all financials and speak to a solicitor. You may never need to instigate a separation, but at least it will be one less worry to know where you stand if you did decide to split.

LegacyUser

You are spot on about the script. He denied it till I emailed him snapshots of his photo and chats on the sites. He denied about Skye as well till I again I could show he was getting skype names and giving out his. Plus in one photo he has Skype open. He forgets I have a HDip in computer science and once I relised what he was upto I was able to check everything.
I feel so betrayed and really don't see a way back from this. We had a good relationship and most people that know us say we were perfect for each other. But looking back over the last few weeks I can see where he changed and became secretive.
At the moment he is just sending me messages saying he is sorry he hurt me, but in truth I don't believe a word he says anymore. I don't think I ever will.

heretochat

Seems to be the classic old script as neyite says..

Admit to the smallest portion of things once caught, and then cry and plead for forgiveness.. and of course look to blame the other person in the relationship for the infidelity (because it is an infidelity regardless of whether he met anyone or not)..

Then as you find more, he admits to more... But he will never admit to an actual physical encounter unless presented with incontrovertable evidence..

15 years is a long time and you do have 4 kids' welfare to consider... But could you ever trust him again?

Nymeria

Hi OP, firstly I am so sorry you are going through this. Please take some time away from him (ideally he should leave for a while) and give yourself some space to consider what you want to do next. Be kind to yourself, tell someone liek family or friends and get some real life support. You must be devastated, and the thoughts of your lovely family being torn apart are horrible, however you must not forget that HE did this, HE chose to go outside of your marriage to look elsewhere, so if the marriage is destroyed its because HE destroyed your trust in him.

Like previous posters have said, the classic cheaters script is to minimise, deny and then blame. The fact that he is blaming your depression shows how callous and cruel he is. Unfortunately, the next few months (maybe even longer) are going to be horrible, whether you decide to leave him, or decide to stay. Please remember that you don't have to make that choice straight away, you can take your time and decide what is best for your and your children.

Also, if you search online, there is lots of great advice from people who have gone through similar. The mumsnet relationships boards is fantastic.

I wish you all the best, please remember this is not your fault. If he was unhappy in the marriage he could have come to you and tried to work on things, or he could have left. He had plenty of options, he chose the sh!ttiest one.

crazygeryy

there are better people in here to give you advice than me. i just wanted to wish you the best of luck its a **** situation to be in.i hope it all works out.

LegacyUser

I am sorry for what you are going through at the moment. You need to do the following:

1. Get all your financial information together and take copies of these.
2. Take screen shoots of all his internet activities.
3. Get a friend to mind the children and go chat to a solicitor.
Before you make any decision you need to find out your rights.
I would chat to a friend you can trust to see what they think and to give you some support at the moment.

Your husband had a choice to chat to you about the way he was feeling and instead decided to see if he could get no strings sex with random women. He lied and denied that he was doing this until you showed him prof and is now telling you he is sorry.
You may feel it is better to stay with him for the sake of your children but you need to know that your children deserve to be in a happy home with a happy mother.

I know a woman who was in your position a few years ago. She knew the trust was gone so she told her husband to go. He moved away with his girlfriend.
She was very upset when this happened but shortly afterwords she knew that she had to make some changes in her life.
She went on to lose a few stone weight. Her children are happy and doing well in school. She is now very happy with her life.
I am telling you the above story to know that things can and do get better.

LegacyUser

Well over a week has gone by since I found out and he still doesn't realise what he has done wrong. He has said sorry for hurting me but nothing else. No sorry for what he has done or "I love you"s. He has made no effort for us to talk and has actually made it hard because he keeps screaming at me and throwing everything he can think of at me. He came home yesterday for the first time in over a week and I had to leave the house because I was in tears at all the insults he throw at me. His big issue is that I spoke to a friend who told some of our other friends, so the cat is out of the bag and he has more of a problem with that than what he has done.
I thought we could be civil to each other but it's not happening at the moment. Right now he is off drinking with his friend while staying away from home, I'm left at home crying with all the kids. He has rung a few times but when I get upset he complains that the kids might hear me. I can't win with this so called man!

Neyite

So the kids might hear you cry, but his verbal abuse is inaudible to them?

OP, you sound like you want to discuss this and get back together. Why though? He is verbally abusive and its a really bad example to your children - do you want your sons to treat women this way? Do you want your daughter to end up with a verbally abusive man? This is in addition to the stress and tiptoeing around that they have to do in their own home.

He is not sorry. He doesnt want to make up with you. He does not care about your feelings. What is keeping you in this relationship? The kids? This atmosphere in a home is terrible for children. Far better to have happy yet separated parents than have two that are angry and upset all the time under the one roof.

LegacyUser

At this moment I don't know what I want. Half of me wants it to work but the other half says not a hope.
The truth is he is accusing me of playing mind games when he phones or texts me. But I'm not. I'm confused. He has made no attempt to make me believe he is sorry, he says it now and again but hasn't shown any signs of remorse ( Iykwim).
I have taken money from our account as a get away fund and taken snap shots of everything.
I was told by a parent today I looked like was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, they don't realise how true that is. I can't eat, can't sleep and in truth my heart is well and truly broken 💔

heretochat

Feelingguttedandsick wrote: »

The truth is he is accusing me of playing mind games when he phones or texts me. hasn't shown any signs of remorse ( Iykwim).

Classic actions of the guilty cheat. Trying toturn it arund and make you feel guilty so he can slither his way back in. You need to remain strong and keep telling yourself that you have done nohing wrong. He is the cheat that has wrecked your marriage.

The fact that he is showing no remorse I think speaks volumes as to his character. He does not see that what he has done is wrong at all.

Keep strong and do what is best for you. And by what you are posting the best is not him.

Nymeria

Hi OP, I am so sorry - things seem to have gotten worse.

At the moment you probably just want it all to go away and things to go back to the way they were before you found out, but really there is no going back. He has broken your trust and ruined your marriage. He should be begging for your forgiveness, and doing everything he can to show you that he is sorry, instead he is out with his friends and doesn't care that you are devastated.

His first reaction when you found out was to lie, then lie some more, then when he couldn't lie anymore to blame you, and now he's angry and blaming you again. This is not the actions of someone who understands the hurt and devastation they have caused. He is acting like a spoilt child who is lashing out because he hasn't got his way...I'm sure he just expected you to 'get over it' by now so he could go on with his cushy life, keep a low profile for a while and learn to cover his tracks next time.

I'm sorry but this is not a good relationship. Maybe it was for a long time, but you need to stop thinking 'we have a history and have been together for 15 years' and start thinking about how he is treating you now, today. THIS is who he really is, this is what he is really like - a lying, cheating scumbag who shouts and screams to deflect from his sh!tty behaviour. He has shown you that he will get aggressive and angry when he doesn't get his way, that is designed to shut you up and keep you in line.

The other thing I wanted to say is that you don't NEED to forgive him, or get over this. Often times women are expected to sacrifice their own personal happiness to keep the family together, to keep the status quo for the benefit of everyone else, but really you have to stand up for yourself here and see that he is not on your side anymore.

He is a selfish git, who is only concerned with keeping his family man image in tact. Look at how he reacted when you told other people about what he did, he freaked out and blamed you for making him look bad. HE was the one who behaved badly, and he is angry that you are not towing the line, sweeping it under the carpet, making it all go away. He doesn't accept that your feelings are important here, and maybe he never will.

If he is not willing to take full responsibility for what he has done then you have all you need to know about the kind of person he is. Is this a person you want in your life?

Please keep talking to people in real life, get lots of support and look to a future without this sh!thead.

LegacyUser

Nymeria wrote: »

At the moment you probably just want it all to go away and things to go back to the way they were before you found out, but really there is no going back. He has broken your trust and ruined your marriage. He should be begging for your forgiveness, and doing everything he can to show you that he is sorry, instead he is out with his friends and doesn't care that you are devastated.

His first reaction when you found out was to lie, then lie some more, then when he couldn't lie anymore to blame you, and now he's angry and blaming you again. This is not the actions of someone who understands the hurt and devastation they have caused. He is acting like a spoilt child who is lashing out because he hasn't got his way...I'm sure he just expected you to 'get over it' by now so he could go on with his cushy life, keep a low profile for a while and learn to cover his tracks next time.

You have no idea how right you are. I Wish my I could control my self better.
I have sent him a couple of links that might help us get on speaking terms again and show why I am all over the place but he has told me he will not read them as they are from the internet and therefore "must be gospel according to me" I Just want him to understand how I feel but he is not interested at all.
The kids have picked up on things, how could they not, because Mammy is crying after daddy shouts down the phone at her. I just kkep telling them that we love them all and they are our lives. Although my DH doesnt even call them during at all.
It's been 2 weeks since D Day and he has spent 1 night at him(in his new room) and doesn't bother checking in on anyone, even though 1 of our children has special needs.
Friends in RL keep saying we will work it out as we have overcome many problems in the past, but this is so different. I am totally gutted and don't think I will ever recover from this.
One point of note, before we were married DH had an affair with an old flame and I forgave him and a year later we were married, Once bitten now this is twice.



www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_YOUR_SPOUSE_HEAL_...‎

Nymeria

Hi OP, it sounds like he doesn't really want to salvage anything does he? Just wants it all to go away.

I was going to ask in my last post about previous entitled, selfish behavior, and you have just said that he has cheated before and you forgave him. He has given himself permission to put himself before your relationship, before your family, and really there is no reason that he won't do it again. He is not even really sorry that he has done it this time, he is only sorry that he was found out. More of a hindrance than anything, he will just wait till all the sh!t dies down and carry on as normal.

I am aware that as an outsider it is very easy for me to say these things and be flippant, while you being in the thick of it are suffocating in emotions right now but I am not saying this to hurt you. I am trying to get you to see that he is being an a$$hole and he will not change easily, if at all.

The thing is OP, you cannot do the work for both people to fix this. He has to take some responsibility and the fact that hasn't so far shows you that he doesn't care enough about your and the family you have together. He is showing you through his actions what kind of person he is.

I understand the almost primal need to make things better, to make it all go away and go back to normal, however I think you have passed the point of no return.

I am not saying that this cannot be salvaged sometime in the future, but only if he makes some serious changes to his behaviour and attitudes. He also needs to realise what he stands to lose. I read before somewhere that cheaters are only motivated to change by loss. Loss of family, loss of relationship, loss of their image of themselves as a good person...whatever loss means the most to him.

Anyway, what I am saying is that if you want to try and save this, you need to step back and let him do the work. Right now, emailing him links about healing is you doing the work. Show him that you value yourself and that you are not willing to lie down and let him treat you like this. Find your anger.

The harsh reality is that you cannot make this all better on your own, and more importantly you will crush your self esteem trying. He has shown repeated disrespect to your relationship and you keep forgiving him. So he has learned that he doesn't have to try to be different, you will always make adjustments for him.

As for your friends saying you can overcome this because you have done so in the past, I'm sure they are trying to be supportive but really that advice is not helpful. It sounds like they are saying you should just suck it up and get on with things, like you have always done.

Good luck x