Hard to know if I should walk away..

LegacyUser

Hi guys.
Im a long time poster here, going anon on this one.

I met a girl recently, blew my socks off. She was very keen. We took it slow, nothing too fast. I didnt want to scare her off or her to scare me I guess. We talked of all sorts and it seemed normal (id been on the dodgems before). So much so, that it surprised me that I could get the goosebumps about a date like I had of done years ago, like a teenager.

Anyways, she started to hesitate more and one evening she just backed off completely. All by text! I know. I dont get it either, the text stuff.
She blamed her own stuff on it. A feeling of not maybe wanting a relationship when that is what she had wanted at the beginning.
She has now gone a full 180 and it seems like whatever was there, could be cold as stone.

That said, I havent asked to meet her yet. I think a face to face intervention could help this. I really do like her. If its her own insecurities which is pulling her away, can I intervene to help her? maybe comfort her?

I am really confused. I had thought of just giving it time, letting her have space and lots of it but my fear is that absence could kill this burgeoning relationship.

Its been 6 weeks since I met her and 1 since this wagon started to fall over.

Should I try?

P. Breathnach

If you do nothing, you certainly lose her. If you do something, I suspect that you lose her anyway, but it might be at a 95% level of certainty rather than 100%. So which is the better bet?

If she agrees to meet you to have a talk about things, what do you think you can say to improve your prospects? I'm a little concerned that you use an expression like "comfort her"; it sounds wrong to my mind, like hitting a bad note. But maybe you are being a little casual in your choice of words, and I am reading in a tone that you don't intend.

Where is your 5% chance of success? It is possible that she has suddenly got cold feet, and that this might be overcome if you offer her some space and time. Not total absence, but a deal where you stay in contact, take things very slowly without any declarations of commitment, and see how things develop.

beks101

I'd be inclined to think you should back off and leave her to make her own decision. Any "intervention" would only serve to either guilt or pressure her back into something that she's not completely sure about & is that really someone you'd like to be with? Someone who's "not sure"?

She's not a child OP, and though her cold feet may seem totally out of character from the loved up adrenaline rush you've both been experiencing this far, she is entitled to change her mind and walk away, and you have to respect that right, as much as it absolutely sucks.

If there's one thing I've learned from my own relationship angst over the years it's this: when someone tells you something about themselves, LISTEN. She's told you she's got her own issues, she's told you she's not convinced she wants a relationship - you either accept that as fact, or cause yourself a lot of pain and frustration by trying to change those things or convince her otherwise.

Give her space and let her come to her own conclusions.

heretochat

I agree with the others. I think you need to back off on this one. If she has her issues she needs to wotrk through them and use her own support network of friends and family to do so.

You have only known her a few weeks so any intervention on your part may be unwelcome.

Leave it to her at this point. If she works through things and wants to get back in contact she will. If not well then move on.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for your messages.

P. Breathnach, I was possibly a little loose in using the words 'comfort her'. I just meant it in a sense that I remembered when I was a bit like that, had some insecurities of my own, was a little selfish. I ended a relationship quite early. She intervened, sent me a letter and it made me really think and understand what it was that I was losing. Now, im not saying I am going to write her a letter (the thought had crossed my mind though)

Im a hopeless romantic, I will probably cling to it for a while that she will change her mind.

P. Breathnach

I'll cross my fingers for you.