Do LDR's work?

Witchie

I was over in London recently and while drinking in a bar met this lovely Danish guy. We talked for hours, really connected, kissed and said good night after swapping email addresses (he asked me to email him my cv coz he might have some work for me in his new job).

We have been emailing each other and added each other on facebook. We have been talking a lot tonight and he seems really keen to get to know me.

I am wondering if this is something I should just hit on the head now as he lives in London and I live in Ireland or should I give it a chance?

Is it worth the effort?

maria34

You never find out if you dont try :-) nothing to loose!

iusedtoknow

Witchie wrote: »

I was over in London recently and while drinking in a bar met this lovely Danish guy. We talked for hours, really connected, kissed and said good night after swapping email addresses (he asked me to email him my cv coz he might have some work for me in his new job).

We have been emailing each other and added each other on facebook. We have been talking a lot tonight and he seems really keen to get to know me.

I am wondering if this is something I should just hit on the head now as he lives in London and I live in Ireland or should I give it a chance?

Is it worth the effort?

It worked for us, I met my wife when she had 2 weeks left to go in her erasmus.

We were LD for a couple of years while I finished up college and was in a position to support myself when in Spain.

Moved over a year and a bit later, and now married 4 years.

I know it hasn't worked for some, but in our case it was great

Caonima

Had two, neither worked out. Gets more difficult as time passes. Not really a solution.

Witchie

On paper he is the perfect man. I fancy him. But now wondering is it worth the effort. Would I be better pursuing someone local that I like or give it a shot?

iusedtoknow

Witchie wrote: »

On paper he is the perfect man. I fancy him. But now wondering is it worth the effort. Would I be better pursuing someone local that I like or give it a shot?

Jeez, you'd only know yourself. I knew almost straight away that my one was worth the effort.

We were back and forth to each others countries every month eventually. As it got closer to moving out we were already at the "moving in together" stage. She got us a place, the rest is history.

Witchie

I am shockingly bad at relationships as it is and fall in love too feckin easily only to fall out again so I no longer trust myself!

Princess Peach

They can work. The first year I was with my boyfriend we lived in different counties, 2.5 hours apart, saw each other about every fortnight. The next year we lived on different continents and saw each other for two weeks. Now we live together and it's great. I've had relationships where the guy lived 5 minutes away from me that didn't work out at all.

But the next person could so easily come and say their long distance relationship went horribly and now they are married to their neighbour!

I think it's much more about the relationship than it is the distance. If it's meant to be, the couple will work hard to make it happen. And really only you can know if this guy is worth it. Do you think you would be thinking this way if he lived closer?

Merkin

I think LDRs can work brilliantly - it really depends on the two people. As Princess Peach said, you could be living five minutes away from someone and the relationship could have no hope. If you both want it to work then you will make it work.

In any event, you've only just started talking to the chap so don't run before you can walk. A bit early to be talking about prospects. Why not get to know him better, invite him over to Ireland and see what happens?

heretochat

I don't think anyone can give you a definitive answer to your question. As other posters have said LDRs have worked for them, others have said they don't work at all.

I personally feel that it comes down to the individuals involved and whether they are both willing to put the effort and commitment into making it work.

I agree that it could be a good idea to invite the chap over for the weekend. Bring him around some of the sites our lovely land has to offer. Keep it light and see how ye both get on.

LegacyUser

I've been in the same situation and it can work IF you have a general date in mind for when you will realistically be able to be together in the same country. You're still just getting to know each other, so try skyping or something to get a feel for him, but if you want to seriously pursue this, someone needs to make that step.

iwantmydinner

I had a LDR that failed miserably, but in no way would I discourage anyone from at least exploring the possibilities.

It's difficult, but the rewards might just outweigh the disadvantages.

Go into it with your eyes open, manage your expectations and you'd never know what might happen.

Morgase

It worked for me, we saw each other every month or so for about a year until he moved to my country. It's not easy and you have to make good use of Skype and pouncing on the Ryanair special offers. But it worked for us.

Princess Peach wrote: »

I think it's much more about the relationship than it is the distance. If it's meant to be, the couple will work hard to make it happen. And really only you can know if this guy is worth it.

+1 to this.

Emme

Witchie wrote: »

I was over in London recently and while drinking in a bar met this lovely Danish guy. We talked for hours, really connected, kissed and said good night after swapping email addresses (he asked me to email him my cv coz he might have some work for me in his new job).

We have been emailing each other and added each other on facebook. We have been talking a lot tonight and he seems really keen to get to know me.

I am wondering if this is something I should just hit on the head now as he lives in London and I live in Ireland or should I give it a chance?

Is it worth the effort?

Have you two arranged to meet again? By all means give him a chance and if you go to London make sure you have a back up plan in case it doesn't work out.

scarymoon1

As my mam told me once when I was in a LDR 'if its meant to be and if he truly does love me then he will wait for me" sound advice.

Witchie

Cheers all! Great to hear that it is possible to make it work.

I have invited him over but he is at home I Denmark for next few weeks and starts his new job on Oct 1st so might not get a chance to come here for a while. I have to bring my son to London at the end of November for a Doctor Who conference thingy and since I won't be going in to it I will have a day dossing in London so we can hopefully meet then. Failing that I have to go back over sometime in next few months to get fitted for a bridesmaid dress so could happen then either.

My biggest problems are lack of money for flights and lack of time until end of November with college course I am doing but I intend to use this time to get to know him better.

Fingers crossed. Thanks again for the advice people. Was a bit drunk and hyper when I posted but am glad I did.

L

YumCha

The short answer is... it depends! I had sworn off long distance after having a couple of really bad failed ones... and could have written a novel on why they don't work...

Of course now I'm in a long distance relationship where there's little to no prospect of us living together for at least 5 years and it's the happiest I've ever been It really comes down to who the other person is, and what you both want... I actually like the independence, not having to run plans by each other, and not having to go to the obligatory family events (I know that sounds kind of mean but it's true! My family is halfway around the world so it's one-sided). In short, it just works for us, and I couldn't contemplate the alternative, which is not to have him in my life.

I'll be honest - there are downsides, like when stressful/crappy situations come up and you can't physically be there for each other, or even just seeing a cool event or film on for that night and thinking "Hey X would really like that" but knowing that they won't ever be around for you to just do spontaneous stuff with... but that's what friends are for

I'd say the best thing would be to keep an open mind - if I followed all the advice my friends gave me plus my own arbitrary rules for relationships/guys, I'd still be single

Est28

maria34 wrote: »

You never find out if you dont try :-) nothing to loose!

Just giving my honest opinion but I think there is a lot to loose.

The only time I have ever seen something like this work was if, after a couple already has a solid relationship and one was to move for work or something with the intention of either coming home, or their partner coming to join them within a year or so.

In that case, maybe it was a forced move the the relationship was strong enough to let them be apart for a while, while the plans were in place to move back together, but even this is stressful.

There is zero intimacy or closeness when doing this type of relationship, it can only be a temporary situation at best if you don't plan to move together soon. I have a hard enough time just keeping in touch with family/friends at home, let alone trying to have an intimate relationship via email!


Meeting someone, one weekend and calling it a relationship? I don't get it. You don't even know each other. You both have seperate lives in seperate countries. You will both go on with life and meet and interact with other people in real life. Going around oblivious to possible people around you due to emailing some guy you met once? It makes no sense. Where would this end up? Would you move to him eventually? Is it worth it? What if he's totally different from what you expect?

Any time I've seen someone try this, I've just seen them throw away weeks, months and years pining after someone they will never work out with, when they were passing up oppertunities to meet someone where they were.

It just causes a lot of pain and time wasted.

brandom

I couldn't disagree more with the previous poster...I am currently almost 2 years into a long distance relationship with someone on another continent- in fact I am on one of my all too rare visits right now. I really do think at this point you have little or nothing to lose in giving it a shot- London really is not very far away in the grand scheme of things and the internet and skype etc make the long distance thing easier than it has ever been before. Easier but still not easy and that is something that you do have to bear in mind. As other posters have already said the biggest factor in whether or not a LDR will work out or not is the people involved and how determined they are to make it work. For us, its anything but easy, we are lucky to see each other in person three times a year but we do have a plan and a definite goal of living together that we are working towards and that does help. Of course there are days when it hurts not to be with the one you love, but we get through as best we can.
As for there being zero intimacy or closeness, that couldn't be further from the truth, if anything I feel closer than in previous relationships, and since communication is essential in every LDR , I find that we are better at talking things through and it really seems like there is nothing we can't talk about.
Anyway as I said before go for it, and I hope that you do manage to meet up again soon, and as you said you can spend time getting to know him until then....enjoy

blatantrereg

No; they're an awful headwreck and you don't get to know someone properly while one or both of you is in holiday mode.

iusedtoknow

blatantrereg wrote: »

No; they're an awful headwreck and you don't get to know someone properly while one or both of you is in holiday mode.

We had pretty strict rules on it when were visiting, especially on longer visits.

No unusual vacation time except maybe the first and/or last day.
No ducking out of classes/work things/work dinners etc if they were organized
No "special" dinners out etc (or at least not many) - if we went out it was usually just a movie/tapas etc, like normal spanish people. Otherwise it was hanging out with friends or at home.

Basically, no effort was made on either part to make the time together anything other than inserting them into your life that was already there.

We also had an "end point". We knew that we needed to live in the same place before year 2 started. I was finished college and already had some work experience under my belt, which meant i was going to be able to get some work in her city while she finished her studies.

Witchie

Est28 wrote: »

Just giving my honest opinion but I think there is a lot to loose.

The only time I have ever seen something like this work was if, after a couple already has a solid relationship and one was to move for work or something with the intention of either coming home, or their partner coming to join them within a year or so.

In that case, maybe it was a forced move the the relationship was strong enough to let them be apart for a while, while the plans were in place to move back together, but even this is stressful.

There is zero intimacy or closeness when doing this type of relationship, it can only be a temporary situation at best if you don't plan to move together soon. I have a hard enough time just keeping in touch with family/friends at home, let alone trying to have an intimate relationship via email!


Meeting someone, one weekend and calling it a relationship? I don't get it. You don't even know each other. You both have seperate lives in seperate countries. You will both go on with life and meet and interact with other people in real life. Going around oblivious to possible people around you due to emailing some guy you met once? It makes no sense. Where would this end up? Would you move to him eventually? Is it worth it? What if he's totally different from what you expect?

Any time I've seen someone try this, I've just seen them throw away weeks, months and years pining after someone they will never work out with, when they were passing up oppertunities to meet someone where they were.

It just causes a lot of pain and time wasted.

Thanks for that some valid points raised. I am not calling it a relationship after one snog more just wondering if it was worth pursuing as a potential relationship. We clicked and there is attraction there so just wondering if should continue to get to know him and see If it leads anywhere but thinking there is no point if ldrs don't work. In 3 years when my youngest goes to uni I will be free to live wherever I want so moving over there wouldn't be an option til then.

brandom

[/QUOTE]No unusual vacation time except maybe the first and/or last day.
No ducking out of classes/work things/work dinners etc if they were organized
No "special" dinners out etc (or at least not many) - if we went out it was usually just a movie/tapas etc, like normal spanish people. Otherwise it was hanging out with friends or at home.

Basically, no effort was made on either part to make the time together anything other than inserting them into your life that was already there.

We also had an "end point". We knew that we needed to live in the same place before year 2 started. I was finished college and already had some work experience under my belt, which meant i was going to be able to get some work in her city while she finished her studies.[/QUOTE]

We also do this, as much as possible we try to make visits " normal life" with work, laundry, groceries- all the boring mundane stuff, the big exception being that this time we went away for a long weekend together within the visit to celebrate our birthdays- they are within days of each other. Its a good point, if its too much like holiday mode it paints a very unrealistic picture of life together. Also having some sort of end point is key- looks like it will be about another year in our case, but knowing that and planning accordingly helps us get through the tougher times. It is something that we talked about pretty early on though, because if neither party is willing or able to make the move its pretty pointless

Est28

brandom wrote: »

I couldn't disagree more with the previous poster...I am currently almost 2 years into a long distance relationship with someone on another continent- in fact I am on one of my all too rare visits right now. I really do think at this point you have little or nothing to lose in giving it a shot- London really is not very far away in the grand scheme of things and the internet and skype etc make the long distance thing easier than it has ever been before. Easier but still not easy and that is something that you do have to bear in mind. As other posters have already said the biggest factor in whether or not a LDR will work out or not is the people involved and how determined they are to make it work. For us, its anything but easy, we are lucky to see each other in person three times a year but we do have a plan and a definite goal of living together that we are working towards and that does help. Of course there are days when it hurts not to be with the one you love, but we get through as best we can.
As for there being zero intimacy or closeness, that couldn't be further from the truth, if anything I feel closer than in previous relationships, and since communication is essential in every LDR , I find that we are better at talking things through and it really seems like there is nothing we can't talk about.
Anyway as I said before go for it, and I hope that you do manage to meet up again soon, and as you said you can spend time getting to know him until then....enjoy

I'm not saying they are right or wrong I'm just saying to have some perspective.
There is always exceptions to prove any rule, so of course some long distance relationships work out. But more than not end in heartbreak for 1 person.

I've dated people for a year or more who I really felt I never knew until it eventually ended. It takes a LONG time to really know someone. On a night out when you meet someone and when you meet them twice a year on holiday mode, everyone puts their best foot forward but can you REALLY know them....?
Can you go from emailing back and forth to just leaving everything and moving country and living with them day in and day out and for it to be perfectly fine, normal and ok and that person be everything you thought they were? Of course it CAN but will it always? Probably not.

Meanwhile, it doesn't sound like the OP is a teenager or in college or something. What if a great guy is right under her nose in the next few years. Would she ignore that to chase some pipe-dream? It's a really tough choice!

Princess Peach

I'm not saying they are right or wrong I'm just saying to have some perspective.
There is always exceptions to prove any rule, so of course some long distance relationships work out. But more than not end in heartbreak for 1 person.

But you could say the same thing about any relationship, regardless of the distance. I genuinely had a good think about this and almost all of the long distance relationships I personally know of have been a success so far. I know of more breakups that happened in close distance relationships. Granted there are less long distance relationships, but my point is any relationship can end in heartbreak. Its a risk you take when dating.

I've dated people for a year or more who I really felt I never knew until it eventually ended. It takes a LONG time to really know someone. On a night out when you meet someone and when you meet them twice a year on holiday mode, everyone puts their best foot forward but can you REALLY know them....?

Yes. I felt like I knew my boyfriend really well before I even met him from email and phone conversations. Skype is a godsend too! When I moved country I actually think we got to know each other even better, as all you have is conversation in between visits.

Meanwhile, it doesn't sound like the OP is a teenager or in college or something. What if a great guy is right under her nose in the next few years. Would she ignore that to chase some pipe-dream? It's a really tough choice!

A great guy could be under your nose when you are in any type of relationship and you ignore it. And there's no way to know if it really is a pipe dream until you explore the relationship possibilities more.

I think this is really more a question of is this guy the right guy for you OP. And only you can know that!

hardCopy

Nothing ventured nothing gained.

What's the harm in seeing how things go for a while? Take a bit of time to see if you hit it off, then think about the longer term logistics.

I'd say you'd need to be able to work towards eventually settling in the same location. Could you see yourself leaving Ireland at some point?

Witchie

Cheers everyone!

Strawberry Swan

It could be great and if it did work out it would mean one of you moving to another country. And it in the meantime a lot time messaging and skypeing and money on flights. Saying goodbye to the person you love at the airport not knowing when you'd next see them in real life is so painful. But it can be worth it and there's only one way to find out.

CaraMay

I think you just see him when you see him but don't stop keeping an eye out for a partner closer to home. There is probably a very slim chance of it going anywhere so I certainly wouldn't put off meeting someone else on the basis of one kiss.