Encouraging a friend to make more friends!

Est28

Hey all,
Just a little background. I mentioned in other threads I moved to the U.S. a few years ago. I had some trouble making friends at first as I am a little quiet but eventually I came out of my shell and continue to make lots of new friends. I'm enjoying things.

My trouble is with one friend in particular. I feel some loyalty to him because he was the first real friend I made here. I met him at a few events and we were both into some of the same stuff and started hanging out. We were both in the same situation as we didn't know a lot of people. So for that, I feel some loyalty to him. We became friends when I was finding it difficult to meet many others.

Move on a year or so... I've met plenty more friends through different events, activities and so on. I do understand this guy because he is kind of shy like I was. He doesn't really put himself out there in groups. That's how I was.
But it's a little difficult because I can't ALWAYS be around him, I meet other friends too. Generally if I know of something I'm doing I'll let him know and ask if he wants to come.

But recently I've been invited out with other people, so maybe I didn't invite him as it wasn't really my place to invite someone else, like going to someone's house or their event or something. Later he might see I was doing something on facebook and get a little pissy that I was out without him.
At the same time, I HAVE invited him to a lot of things to meet my other friends and he does come along sometimes but he just won't mingle with them. I introduce him to everyone but feel like I have to babysit him. Unless I drag him into conversation with people he just won't put himself out there and you can see he is uncomfortable and eventually wants to leave. But when I'm in a group I tend to just jump around from conversation to conversation with different people... as you do.

The thing is... I used to be like this so I understand him being shy or quiet but I try to include him and prompt him to get to know people but he doesn't make a lot of effort and it becomes draining to have him there.

We obviously go out drinking sometimes and he's always wanting to meet girls but doesn't want to approach any. So he usually waits until someone else does and then tries to take over the conversation. Again, he just doesn't do well with girls. Mainly because he plays the overly nice guy and the girls get bored... but I've had some other guy friends get annoyed... like he will stifle any conversation any of the guys have with a girl because he wants the girls to like him but the girls just get bored that he won't let people talk.
An example is that we were talking to 2 girls a few weeks back who were from out of town, they asked us where some good spots in town were and we listed a few. After the conversation moved on, he just kept jumping in at both girls to tell them more and more places and wouldn't let the conversation move on when I saw I was getting along with one of the girls util you could just see the look of boredom come over both girls and they made excuses to leave.

He just needs to relax a little but he seems so fixated on his lack of success with girls that it comes across and feels like it's just turning girls off even more.

He took a liking to a girl friend of mine recently and when he saw her kiss another guy on a night out he totally freaked out. Later he kept asking me to tell him what was going on because "we all know they had a connection" but I never even saw anything go on between them, ever. He just seemed fixated on her but never made a move. The problem being, now she knows, and he's pissy with her and it just makes inviting them all out together super awkward and tense. He even invited her to sit down and talk so she could explain herself to him. She's blown it off and I feel realy awkward about them being together now.

He also posts a lot of depressing things on facebook. Like when someone goes out but he's not invited, or he has no luck with a girl, or just this weekend posted how he hates when people won't answer texts and invites (basically alluding to a bunch of us having different plans last weekend so not getting together with him). This pisses me off because I try my best with the guy but our little group all have different plans one weekend and he posts nasty messages in our direction on FB because he had nothing to do.

I just don't know what to do with him. I know I sound mean by saying all bad things about him but really, he's an ok guy, but he is too shy and quiet, and too fixated on getting girls to like him. Then he gets all down on himself when nobody is around to do stuff. Also posts a lot how he has no real friends which doesn't feel nice since a few of us are really trying with him and then we read that on FB.

I get where he is coming from because I struggled to make friends at first but I came out of my shell and things became to work out for me. I just wish I could push him in the same direction to do what I did and just open up to people and making friends is much easier but he doesn't really listen when I try to give him a nudge.

I don't really want to drop him or anything, I keep hoping he'll take the hints we drop to him to relax and just be talkative and friendly but he's not getting it.

JuliusCaesar

Hints are no good. You really need to sit him down and let him know of your main points, in the nicest possible way. You cannot help him if he won't help himself.

I went through this once and kept bringing my friend on outings till it got to the point where my other friends said, 'you will come won't you but don't bring x!' So I had to stop, and she started making her own life.

Est28

Yeah I know.

To be honest it's not all subtle hints though...

Like I brought him to a fund raiser another friend was having, it was a sort of games night at a bar, lots of fun. I'd go chatting with everyone I know and he's just sit alone. I kept trying to introduce him to people and told him outright to go mingle, that everyone was friendly, I knew them all but he just sat and replied "You know I'm not much of a mingler"... but then got pissy when I didn't invite him to meet the same group the following week.

With the girls... I've told him over and over he's got to stop obsessing about girls and never doing anything about it. I tried helping him a little with advice hoping he's see where he's going wrong (not saying I'm all knowledgable or anything) but he just fixates on one girl at a time, goes way over board and doesn't get it when she doesn't feel the same. I keep trying to tell him in a nice way what would help his chances but he just goes "Yeah, I know..." and continues as he is.

I don't know. I'd just feel bad to drop the guy. He really is a nice guy but when he's in one of these moods, it's difficult to get him involved and therefore hard to invite him to everything if I know he won't make an effort to get along with other people.

He complains about having no friends but when I try to introduce him to people he makes no effort unless it's an attractive girl... and people do notice these things.

Faith

To be honest, you don't owe him anything, you're not lifelong best friends, you've tried your best to encourage and include him and it doesn't sound like you're getting anything out of the conversation. I'd start to let the friendship die off, really. If he gets pissy about you not bringing him places, just say "Look mate, you said yourself you're not a mingler. Any time I invite you somewhere, you don't make an effort to take part. So I'm not going to invite you places only to have to babysit you".

I know people like that and they want to be miserable. They want to be lonely and post on Facebook about how they have no friends, because then they get flooded with validation from people. It's just a really irritating form of attention seeking, and one I'm particularly intolerant to.

Ask yourself what you get from the friendship, and if the benefits aren't greater than the costs, then let him go.

heretochat

You are an emotional and social crutch for this guy and you don't need to be. You don't owe this lad anything as another poster has said.

It isup to him to get off his posterior and make his own social circle. You say you have the same personality and you were able to do it.

The other danger is that if you keep bringing this moany faced person along to events and he loses the rag over girls not fancying him etc. how long do you think it'll be before you stop being invited to these things yourself?

Est28

Thanks for all the replies.

Yeah, strictly speaking I don't "owe" him anything. I guess I just know what it's like when it's hard to make friends and feel bad to now turn around and be the person to ignore someone in the same situation.

He needs to cop on a little though. I'll give him a little bit and if nothing chances I might have to start leaving this go.

Last night I met up with him for the first time in about 2 weeks. Straight off the bat he made lots of snarky remarks that "I'm too popular now to hang out with him". Basically the past 2 weekend I had some other stuff on so we didn't meet up so he's pissy I didn't invite him out even though I really couldn't.

Next he brought up a girl I had got chatting to last time we were out together and made some nasty comments about her, how she wasn't attractive and was boring. I guess just to cut me down like he didn't think much of her or something. I really couldn't care less, he just came off bitter and jealous.

After that, he spent the night trying to get in the pants of any nice looking girl in our group, to the point of ignoring us guys and then disappearing later in the night. Then was texting me until 3 in the morning wanting sympathy for none of the girls hooking up with him... like, I don't really care... he was being over the top with the girls and ignoring everyone else, it was very noticeable and exactly why none of the girls would be into it. But he doesn't seem to get it.

It's just wearing me down now.

ruaille buaille

Sounds like he's a very manipulative person. He's making u feel sorry for him and therefore using u. He's basically craving the attention from u and draining u emotionally. I know u say that he's a shy person but I think he had plenty of opportunities to meet new people while also having the security of having someone he knows in the group. Sounds like he cant be bothered to make the effort. I find it a bit odd aswell that he claims he is very shy but has no problem trying it on with pretty girls ??? Maybe this is all he is looking for?
Sounds like he's draining u emotionally and u need to cut ties. Dont feel guilty op! He doesnt sound like a very nice person tbh. Think of yourself first and stop trying to help someone who doesnt appreciate your help.

December2012

He doesn't sound shy - he sounds rude and there is a world of difference.

OP - did you tell him why? Why you don't ask him out?

I suggest you say this to him - but don't say anything about his lack of success with girls - that's a different topic and its one he's not likely to pay any heed to. You can't tell him why other people don't want to be around him - you can only tell him why you don't like him.

newuser30

He doesn't want to make any new friends, it's not what he's interested in is it? He just seems to need you as a wingman (I'm not sure if your male or female, the equivalent if you are female) for going out and getting girls. Some people just need a companion and that is it (especially when single), while you are the opposite and want to make as many friends as possible.
So you need to communicate this to him. That your aim is to make loads of friends when you are out, and if he's not interested in the same you don't see a point in him coming out with you. Sounds harsh but the reality is you are both going out for completely different reasons. He has zero interest in making friends, he probably doesn't realise this is your priority as it is of so little importance to him.