Access Question

LegacyUser

I am an unmarried mother of one son.

Separated for 2 years with the childs dad I have been extremely accomodating with him, allowing him access on his terms (despite the fact it pains me to see my son away).

For 18 months of this 2 years I received no maintenance (despite the dad working), his excuse was that he spent money on the child when he had him (gifts and whatnot). He cannot handle being questioned on anything, and raises hell when I question anything.

I know people will say I need to be tougher, but I am of the belief that my son should see his dad but it should not be on his terms. It seems my entire life focuses around hearing on a Monday what days his dad can see him to suit his own life. I work myself, so this seems extremely unfair.

In the last 6 months he has agreed to pay €50 per week (probably entitled more but its something at least) maintenance (he is still working). He usually takes him 2 days a week but its different days every week and he insists on short notice. With the school year coming up, is it unfair of me to insist that he only take his son on weekends? I'd like the stability of the monday-friday environment when hes at school rather than being away during the week on random days? I know my son would prefer this aswell.

His dad however will raise hell when he hears this proposal. He has been so used to having it his way, that he is highly inflexible with his time.

I do not wish to get involved in petty name calling, I feel I have been very lenient, allowing his dad access without even getting maintenance, and now allowing access on entirely his own terms (for minimal maintenance).

Quite frankly i'm scared about issuing proceedings to have some formal agreement as I guess deep down I don't want to hurt my son with it all. Wish to protect him from all of that. But his dad is just so difficult. We both have new partners, my own being so understanding and helpful.

Am I being unreasonable? Or should I pursue a formal arrangement?

What is the standard agreement does anyone know, is 2 days a week/every weekend the norm? is it too much? too little?

Is €50 per week too little considering his dad is in full time employment?

I'm at my wits end

ash23

I think that every weekend isn't very practical. That would mean you would never have a weekend with your son. It's not so bad when they are little and finish school at 2 but as they get older the school day is longer and longer.

Plus it means that his dad misses out on all the school stuff. Like hearing about his day, helping him with his homework etc.

It's all about finding the balance.
While I do agree the structure is needed, are your exs days off set in stone or do they change weekly? Is this why he can only let you know on a Monday which days suit? if not then I would suggest maybe 2 weekdays one week and a weekend the next. That way you both get a bit of the school time and each have a weekend with the child also.

As for maintenance, well, how long is a piece of string? It's too variable to say what is fair or too much/too little. He is working but maintenance will be defined by what he earns and his expenses.

I also think you need to get out of the frame of mind that you are allowing access or that you are doing your ex a favour in terms of letting him have the child. Also get out of the notion that access and maintenance are linked.
I'm not saying you should have no say but this is your sons father.

Broach it with him first and if ye can't agree on a routine, suggest mediation. If he refuses then you may have no choice but to go down the legal route.

Moonbeam

How much does your son cost you a month? is is less then 530 or more (50x4 from father then matched by you + child benefit)
I would ask him could he take him fixed week days if he wants him weeks days eg every monday and tuesday so there is structure to your sons week.

LegacyUser

ash23 wrote: »

I think that every weekend isn't very practical. That would mean you would never have a weekend with your son. It's not so bad when they are little and finish school at 2 but as they get older the school day is longer and longer.

Plus it means that his dad misses out on all the school stuff. Like hearing about his day, helping him with his homework etc.

It's all about finding the balance.
While I do agree the structure is needed, are your exs days off set in stone or do they change weekly? Is this why he can only let you know on a Monday which days suit? if not then I would suggest maybe 2 weekdays one week and a weekend the next. That way you both get a bit of the school time and each have a weekend with the child also.

As for maintenance, well, how long is a piece of string? It's too variable to say what is fair or too much/too little. He is working but maintenance will be defined by what he earns and his expenses.

I also think you need to get out of the frame of mind that you are allowing access or that you are doing your ex a favour in terms of letting him have the child. Also get out of the notion that access and maintenance are linked.
I'm not saying you should have no say but this is your sons father.

Broach it with him first and if ye can't agree on a routine, suggest mediation. If he refuses then you may have no choice but to go down the legal route.

I'm certainly not of the mindset that i'm "allowing him access" I don't see it as a curtesy on my part. I see it as a fathers moral right, and i'd never deny that.

Rather, I see it as a curtesy on my part to allow him to pick and choose whatever days suit him to the detriment of me and my son making our own plans. When a structure is in place, then its something formal to work around that way my son knows where he is going to be at set times and isn't having to up sticks at 24 hours notice.

It would seem like the easy thing to do (discuss it). 2 weekdays and every 2nd weekend alternating sounds like a god send but he will have none of it, he simply insists on it his own way. I'm not going to publicly slate anyone on a public forum, my family and I have my reasons for being sceptical of him being there during the week, notable absences from school when staying overnight are notable.

Yes his hours are varying, but co-workers in a similar situation are proactive about changing this (which can be done) in order to take care of their responsibilities.

Mediation is the only way forward I feel, a structure simply must be put in place to ensure some normality in our lives. I've lost count of the amount of times we've cancelled plans because he chose not to take our son that day and wished to change it to the next, simply because he wasn't in the mood.

January

corkboy10 wrote: »

can anyone advise/redirect me to a thread concerning breach of access,and what action the judge would take???thanks

corkboy

Unfortunately legal advice cannot be given here, so please do not ask for it. Seek advice from a solicitor or the Free Legal Aid Centre.

boarsboard

get a formal agreement

and don't include vists on schooldays

try here for your rights and 50 euro is not enough to raise a kid 200 is more like it


http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/

Big Bag of Chips

boarsboard wrote: »

..... 50 euro is not enough to raise a kid 200 is more like it

€200 A WEEK??????

Plus the child benefit, plus her own contribution? Seriously? How can a child possibly cost over €400 a week?

Would he be agreeable to sitting down with you in mediation to try come to an arrangement? Is he in a position to bring your son to school if he takes him mid-week? It mightn't be a bad arrangement, as you would both get the school time & fun time.

Much as you want routine, you have to accept that your son is going between 2 houses. And that you might not deal with things in the same way. That doesn't mean someone is wrong - it just means they have their own way of dealing with things.

Mediation should help you come to an agreement on the important things. But you might find you have to compromise or let go of some of the smaller things.

I hope it works out for you... Soon.

LegacyUser

Mediation was an absolute disaster, we have had two sessions and even the mediator found the exercise extremely frustrating.

The guy just would not budge, he demands his son at a moments notice and seems to have a complex that the world is out to get him.

Just a summary, I am fully in favour of letting him spend time with his son be it during the week or at weekends but my issue is NOTICE!

Countless times theres an arrangement in place to have access (which again I stress i'm fully in favour of no doubt whatsoever) and he calls before arrival because something has come up. Something is always coming up. He then proceeds to tell he will take him tomorrow night instead, if there are plans made and I refuse then I am a terrible mother who is denying access. He even bemused us at mediation asking for access on a night he was not even there instead leaving my son with his partner. I've no issues whatsoever with the partner at all shes a nice girl but why would I agree to access that day (again at about 6 hours notice) when the guys wasn't even there?

All from a guy who has had his son 2 nights a week for god knows how long without paying any maintenance.

His hours are varying yes but like everyone he has a roster given to him (he never gives the specifics of this). Surely he can look at his roster and pick his days in advance and simply say heres my 2 days and STICK TO IT.

Am I being completely unreasonable in being up in arms about bow to his request to take his son at a days notice?

Can someone clarify this? Apologies if i'm ranting. Just extremely frustrating.