Need advice to move on

ilovehoney

Hi everyone I am looking for some advice on a long term on and off relationship. I have been with a guy on and off for 6 years.He lived in the UK for 2 of those years, we are both 29. While I am happy to continue on the path we are going and see where we might end up my boyfriend says he is not ready for any type of serious commitment and needs to be on his own while he gets his life in order. He says he still loves me very much. We have big chats but still end up in remaining in contact and going back to the way things were. I guess I let this happen because Im still in love with him. What Im asking is how you move on when you are still in love with someone? How do you deal with it when you hear they are with someone new? I know its the best thing for me because I don't think he will change his mind and suddenly want to commit to me and also Im beginning to feel like Im losing self respect for going back to a relationship where there is no promise of commitment. Any advice would be great, thanks

strobe

I think you probably know the answer here Honey. He's told you he wants to be on his own, not with you. The reason doesn't really matter. You tell him this half way on and off relationship business is too hard on you and you need to move on with your life. Then you break contact completely, take a little time for yourself, spend time with friends, focus on enjoying your life for yourself. Then when you feel ready, think about meeting someone else. You will, and once you do meet someone that loves you and wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them, you'll realise you should have done what you know you should do a long time ago.

Good luck.

heretochat

You seem to know what you need to do yourself. And strobe is right 100%.

The guy has no intentions of commiting to you from what your post indicates and you could waste another 6 years of your life in this void.

Agree that you should tell him it is going nowhere and cut contact with him.

You will meet someone in time who is prepared to commit to you and you will wonder why you wasted so long on this guy.

Typer Monkey

Lots of people finish relationships with people they are still in love with for a variety of different reasons; they've been cheated on, the person is abusive, won't commit etc. it's really just about deciding that you deserve better and demanding higher standards for yourself.

The only way is to break all contact and just go through the heartache and trust that you'll recover..and you will. Anyone whose had a broken heart will testify it does get easier with time. Don't waste your life being someone's handy distraction. Demand more from your life and those in it

Merkin

ilovehoney wrote: »

While I am happy to continue on the path we are going and see where we might end up my boyfriend says he is not ready for any type of serious commitment and needs to be on his own while he gets his life in order.

Really? You're setting the bar pretty damn low for yourself if those are your expectations. You're a young girl of 29 with your whole life ahead of you but are you really prepared to wait another six years to see if things change? And then another six after that? If you do you're a fool and you will waste your life on someone who has explicitly said to you that he can't give you what you want. Six years is already too long to have spent on an "on again/off again" relationship and it's also hugely damaging to your self esteem (hence why you're setting the bar so low for yourself).

I think this guy has been quite honest with you at this juncture. He said he wants to be on his own. He doesn't want a relationship with you anymore. He doesn't want any form of commitment. By keeping in contact with him you're not allowing yourself to grieve the natural end of this relationship and coming to terms with it being over.

The advice is very simple and clearcut here. If he is not willing to fully commit to you (and he's not) then you need to sever ties. Tell him. Have one last chat and say you never want to hear from again. Wipe all traces of him from your phone, your social networks, give him back all his possessions and totally cut him out of your life. If you don't do this, you're merely perpetuating this sorry situation of your own volition and then you only have yourself to blame when another six years have passed and you're still hung up on this guy and unable to move on with your own life.

Take some control girl. Think logically about this and think about what you deserve. Do you really want to be with someone who is so "meh" about you? Don't you feel that you deserve someone who loves you with all their heart and soul and wants to commit to you? If so this is not the man for you so it is time to set yourself free. Don't waste any more time.

THEZAPPA

Fantastic replies so far.

I recently split from an on/off relationship, albeit it wasn't as long as yours but it was very difficult. I am still getting over it now but it's a hell of a lot easier after some time has gone.

I found the best way to move on when you are still in love with someone is to cut all ties from them. Delete every trace of them from your life. Get out and about and take time to just be yourself and do things you always wanted to do but never had the chance to do before. Meet up with friends or dive into work. In essence just keep busy, soon you will find yourself not thinking of them as much, checking your phone every few minutes etc.

It all comes down to time. You also need to be fully committed to not going back to them because it's so easy to fall back into how it was and soon enough you'll be back in this position again. It really is a knock to your self esteem to have someone but to know they don't fully want you no matter how much it seems they do sometimes.

What really helps me is I always try to think of the conversations I had with him of him telling me he doesn't see anything with me, yet fall back into being in a "relationship" a few days later. Remembering those conversations reminds me that I deserve better and that I can never go back no matter how much I would love to be with him again. Why be a puppet for someone who doesn't want you?

With regards to dealing with them going out with someone else. I haven't been through that yet but it's best to not think about that now, you'll drive yourself insane. Just take everyday as it comes and don't think about that at all. Just keep remembering those conversations you had with him about him not wanting to commit to you. Before you know it, you won't even want to think about him with someone else.

I wish you the best

LegacyUser

At 29 you have been in on and off relationship with this man over the past 6 years.
He has now told you he is not ready for any type of serious commitment and you think you should wait to see if he will change his mind?
My advice is to be thankful he told you this now and start to make plans to move on with your own life. Remove all things about him from your life - email address, phone numbers ect so you won't be tempted to get in contact with him.

You need to start putting a value on your own life and your own long term happiness.
Tell your friends what happened and start to plans in regards to your own life.
Also if you are in a financial position I would plan a holiday in Sep/Oct as this will give you something to look forward to even if you have to travel on your own.

Some times things happen for a reason that you can't see at the time but in a few months or a few years you time will be in a better position to see why this happened.
Take one day at a time and be thankful you got away from this immature man.
Remember it is his loss not yours when he told you he could not make any type of commitment to you.

Goldenlady

Hi OP,

So sorry to hear about your predicament, BUT take it from me, the best thing you can do is walk away. 10 months ago I came out of an 8 year relationship and I was completely in love with him, but like that we broke up a few times and I kept going back because I loved him! But one day I woke up and realised that life waits for no one, and that I could wake up in 10 years, we would be in same position and I can only blame myself and will probably grow to hate him by then!

So I made the hardest decision of my life and walked away. Its been a very tough few months, but in the last two weeks I can honestly say Im feeling comfortable with my decision (Not sure if all people take this long, but that's just me!) I feel for the first time in years I am noticing other guys, ready to move on with my life etc. I feel so much more content and happier in my life.

You are only 29, you have so much still to do and so much time to do it. Break the ties, walk away, cry, scream, get upset, but definitely walk away. Contact needs to break, this is the hardest part. We work the same job in different companies for we still have the odd bit of contact maybe ever two weeks, but its just work talk. He has no idea what is happening in my life and that's the way I want it.

Its going to be hard, but you will be so much happier. Im at the stage, that im annoyed with myself for sticking it out so long, not with him, he was happy to plod along, and still would be Im sure!

So best of luck, it will all work out in the end xxx

Time out

OP Typer monkey is right, unfortunately just cause you love someone doesn't mean you MUST stay with them. I learned the to my cost (in time terms). It ain't as simple as just loving someone.
My advise is to have a final chat, almost an ultimatum (but don't call it that!) and put your cards on the table with him. If you are not getting commitment tell him it's over and move on.

ilovehoney

Hi guys, thank you so much for your replies. I have taken your advice and have started to move on. Although I am devastated and almost feel physical pain sometimes I know it is the right thing to do. I have been re reading your answers for inspiration and encouragement and they are really helping me through, thank you x

Merkin

Aw you're welcome. Stay strong, you've done the right thing and you will see that clearly in time xx