Advice needed on how to support depressed OH

LegacyUser

Hi. I'm looking for some advice on how best to support my other half.

He is suffering from depression. He hates his job and doesn't get on with his boss. It's not the boss who is responsible for him hating the job, he didn't like it anyway. He expected to be in a more stable position than he is by now, and the way he has been shifted from corner to corner (due to the non existence of permanent jobs) has made him resent the entire profession.

We rent a home together at the moment and although we are interested in settling down, there is no financial pressure on us, other than the usual (rent, bills, food etc.)

His mood has gotten so low in the past couple of days that he hasn't slept properly (then collapses from exhaustion in the evening) and cries all night.

My heart is breaking watching this.

I am being as supportive as I can - I have been encouraging him to switch jobs. He says that he isn't qualified to do anything else professional, but he would be happy in a basic retail job. However, he thinks that after years in college and postgrads that this would make him a failure. Both myself and his mother encourage him to go for the retail job. We just want him to be happy. The only person pressuring him is himself, and he knows it.

His breakdowns are happening on a daily basis now. It used to be every couple of months or even more infrequent.

Some time ago he visited a doctor. He was prescribed anti-depressants and was also asked to consider cognitive behaviour therapy.

I know that I can't force him to go to this, but I have directed his attention to the IACP website.

He knows that he needs to go, but he's reluctant at the moment. "I wouldn't know where to start" he says.

I feel his trepidation - as I remember my first visit to a counsellor a long time ago.

I know that he needs to go to therapy, I don't need to be told that (not to sound harsh) but what I do need to know is what can I do to support him in the meantime?

Is talking about it good? Should I try to distract him from his thoughts? Are we supposed to have zero tolerance to self pity or hug them unconditionally and tell them everything will be okay?

Thank you for any help you can offer.

Rattlehead_ie

I think being there for him throughout this situation is important and keep encouraging him. I know it might not seem to be yielding results but its the little things inside a persons head like that that will keep him going.

You already know about the Therapy but I am just giving my thumbs up for it. cognitive therapy is great and its not just a plaster to cover a problem, it works at the ground level and helps with all aspects.

You're on the ball with distraction, maybe a break away / holiday. Re charge the batteries would help physically and also mentally. What you are doing is great and its great you want to help and support him.

Keep the head up

JenEffy

I am the depressed person in my relationship. Be supportive of him but don't let him take his depression out on you. My ex let me walk all over him and it killed the relationship. Try to help him but don't sacrifice your own needs to do so. Depressed people can only help themselves. You can't cure him. You sound very supportive and it sounds like you're handling it as well as can be expected

osarusan

I'd empahsise the improved life that awaits him on the other side of counselling. Not focus on the reasons why he needs therapy, but how much he (and both of you, together) will benefit from it.

heretochat

JenEffy wrote: »

Try to help him but don't sacrifice your own needs to do so. Depressed people can only help themselves. You can't cure him.

Having experienced the effects of depression at very close quarters in the not too distant past I can only agree with this 100%. He knows he needs the therapy and only he can go through those doors and start it.. It is a horrible condition and the depressed person can hurt those closest to them unintentionally at times. But as Jen says you can't sacrifice your own needs or let him trample all over you either.

You sound very supportive and he will need this support in the time ahead. I truly hope he goes for the therapy and that it works out for you both.

Merkin

You poor thing. Depression is such a terrible illness and so difficult to comprehend for those who haven't experienced it. You sound like a very loving partner so keep supporting him. If he is feeling as low as you say though, even having the energy and drive to apply for a new job/go for interview will seem like an insurmountable task.

How long has he been working in this company where he is based? Would he be entitled to sick pay? Maybe he needs some signed-off time from a doctor in order to help him on the road to recovery?

Chameleon2012 wrote: »

Some time ago he visited a doctor. He was prescribed anti-depressants and was also asked to consider cognitive behaviour therapy.

Also, how long ago was this visit? Has he been consistently taking the meds? Did he go back when they ran out?

I think the first port of call is for him to get back to the GP asap and be very honest about how bad things have become. You are obviously a loving and supportive partner but that's just not enough sometimes. If it's very bad a GP might even make a recommendation for some residential care until he starts to turn a corner. In any event, I think getting him to a doctor as soon as possible should be your priority. I really hope things improve x

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies.

He doesn't take his sadness out on me, in fact he is very grateful of my support and constantly apologises to me for his sadness.

I tell him there is nothing to be sorry for.

To be fair, I'm only as understanding as I am because I have been through severe low mood myself in the past.

He has been working in the company he is in for the past 4 years. However, he is covering a career break so I am not sure if he is entitled to time off.

I don't think he can face looking for new work at the moment. He did apply for a position in July but he never even got an interview. We all know how increasingly difficult it is to get work at the moment, but my oh thinks he didnt get the interview because he's not worth the job.

His visit to his GP was in June. He did take the meds, but he didnt feel they were working. He's still taking them - a 3 month prescription - but doesn't think they are working.

To be honest - they seem to have made him worse. I was given the exact same prescription as him when I was sad and I don't rate these tablets ever. For me, when I took them they seemed to surpress all my emotions and left me feeling very empty.

I haven't supervised him taking them obv, but he tells me he has been taking them everyday and we don't lie to one another.

He has come home from work the past 2 days with his lunch still in the car. He has been physically sick the past 2 evenings. He has also developed regular nose bleeds.

Last night I saw him looking through the web page I have him for therapy. Just looking but that's progress. Also, I'm taking him for a massage and a swim this evening. Then I'm going to discuss the possibility of taking some sick leave. Paid or unpaid, it doesn't even matter. This might be easier to handle than the thought of changing jobs completely.

promises

My oh was on meds for depression, it takes time for them to work but he had to change tablets a few times 3 times I think until he got ones which suited him. Your doing great supporting him, thats all you can do. The rest is up to him.