Am I headed for disaster?

LegacyUser

I met a guy online in Dec 2011.

We had an instant spark, got on great but for one reason or another - both of us being badly burnt before plus other stuff we both have going on in our lives we tried a relationship for 6 months or so and it didn't work. It ended on a weird note. He had things he needed to sort out - he's in quite a negative place and he didn't want to drag me in to it. I wanted us to keep going and made that clear but on a deeper level I realised I too am not really in a good place to be getting involved with someone.

So, we stayed in touch and have become very very close friends. He is still sorting out a lot of the stuff in his life, family, financial, work....and he has a lot of other commitments. I since moved home after doing a treatment programme and am avoiding relationships at the moment to focus on myself. I'm doing great and he's been so supportive and really good to me. On some level, I've developed this thinking that we will end up together. He's reinforced this a bit I guess, always says he's no interest in anyone and if things were different it would be me. I still am the vulnerable party here though, I know this. I am building myself up to be a stronger person and I would love for us to workout someday. I feel like I am invested in this more than he is. Gut feeling

Our conversations occasionally get a bit naughty but not very often. He is a gentleman and would never use me for sex or anything like that but it has happened once last May after I had a few drinks on a girls night and met up with him after he'd had a few drinks with his friends, then on Saturday, my parents were away and I hate being by myself so he called over to keep me company, ended up staying and we did it again.

It wasn't really on an agenda, just happened. Neither of us (to the best of my knowledge) have been with anyone else since we've met - and since he announced a few months ago that he is thinking of going to Canada for a year in 2014 I've found myself accepting that things could change drastically during that time - I really care about him and I absolutely think a year away from all the drama he's being lumbered with here is 100% what he needs so I really support that and and rooting for him that he's not guilted by his family in to staying here.

I have 2 best girlfriends who I talk to about him, only one has met him. She thinks he is a lovely guy in a **** place in his life and I should just support him and enjoy his friendship for what it is and try not to have an agenda.

My other friend who hasn't met him also thinks he is a lovely guy but I am completely limiting myself to something that might never happen. She thinks I'm vulnerable and should cut all ties - with love.

So, I guess it's a weird one, so hopefully some of you can give some objective opinions

Esoteric_

I agree with your second friend.

You are supposed to (by your own decisions) be avoiding a relationship to focus on yourself and your recovery, but at the moment you're holding on to ideas that you and he will be together eventually. It's stopping you from fully focusing 100% on yourself, from what I can see.

Stop the naughty talk, and step back from the friendship a bit, would be my advice. You aren't together, but you're just getting your hopes up more and more by continuing this friendship the way that you're currently going.

December2012

You say a few times you know you are not in a safe enough place right now to get involved. So stop getting involved with this man.

Merkin

You're kidding yourself unfortunately. Regardless of extenuating circumstances, he would make a relationship work with you if he really truly wanted to. Sorry to be blunt You're clearly hanging around in the hope that things will change, when in fact the best thing you could do would be to sever ties and continuing to work on your self and your own issues.

LegacyUser

People who can't go out with you right now because they have some serious emotional baggage to process first fall into two categories.

There are the 80% who are simply saying it as a way to let you down gently. If the perfect person walked into their lives, the "baggage" would be sorted in milliseconds and they'd be happily loved up before you could bat an eyelid.

The other 20% genuinely have some baggage to work through and some personal growing to do. Let's be generous and assume your guy is in this 20%.

If he just takes some time and works through the baggage, you'll be the perfect couple and live happily ever after right?

No.

When people genuinely process their difficult emotions, then step out and find themselves, whether it's by taking up new hobbies or moving to Canada, they change. All that personal growth changes your perception on the world, it changes what you view as important, it changes what you find fun and what you find interesting. The person you thought was perfect for you before is now far from your ideal, all those little things that made you click now seem unimportant or simply irritating.

The same goes in reverse. When this guy genuinely works through his baggage, and maybe spends a year in Canada, he won't be the guy you currently like. He'll be someone new and probably won't be nearly as attractive to you. (Particularly if you continue to work through your own stuff)

In short, walk away. Focus on yourself.

heretochat

I think I would have to agree with the majority on this one. You say that you are home and are doing well and putting yourself in a better place than where you were before.

It is important in this situation to focus on one thing at a time. I would suggest that in this instance you take the time to focus on yourself and getting yourself to a place where you are happy. Use the two girlfriends that you mentioned in your post as a help.

I would suggest that this guy would only act as a distraction at this point in time.

You need to let him get his own house in order and as you suggested a year in Canada may just do that.

Perhaps when (if) he returns you could look at where you both are at that point.