Drifted apart from sister

LegacyUser

My problem is a fairly minor one in comparison to some others here, but I would really value any advice.

I'm 28 (female) and have one sister who's a few years older than me. We were very close growing up. Of course we had the usual fights and spats that siblings have but nothing more than that. I looked up to her a lot growing up and we remained close until more recent years.

I don’t quite know how it happened but we have drifted apart to the point where I feel as though we can barely even tolerate each other anymore. She’s married with one child, whereas I’m single so I suppose we’re in different stages of our lives which would explain some differences. I get on fine with her husband – we’re never going to be best friends or anything, but our relationship is perfectly amicable. As soon as she started seeing her husband, it felt to me like her whole personality changed. I couldn’t talk to her about the things we used to both like as her tastes changed overnight to completely match her husband’s. Whatever he liked, suddenly so did she; where he wanted to go on holiday was suddenly where she wanted to go her whole life, etc, etc.

This is all understandable to some extent as of course when you’re in a serious relationship, you’ll want to share experiences with your partner. But I honestly feel like I don’t know my own sister anymore. By the way, I’m not blaming her husband for this or insinuating that he’s to blame. I know my sister did it entirely of her own volition and I honestly don’t think there’s any element of controlling going on.

She generally became a very serious person whereas before we had similar senses of humour and used to trade banter and joke around a lot. Now, she gets offended by almost everything I say as she thinks I’m taking the p*** out of her, when I’m not. She takes the slightest bit of banter totally to heart now, so I end up having to apologise, making things awkward. The result is that I often just keep my mouth shut around her for fear of insulting her.

I know she thinks we’re still as close as we ever were. Family is really important to her and she insists on seeing me quite a bit, but when we do meet up she shows no interest whatsoever in my life, she just talks about herself. When I say she shows no interest, I mean literally that. Since I became aware of this, I’ve been noticing how often she would ask me about my life and it has honestly been never. Not a single question about relationships, mutual friends, work, holidays, etc. Nothing. I just find that really disheartening and while family is important to me too, I hate this pretence she insists on of us being close, when I know it’s done just for the sake of appearances.

She’s not an awful toxic person, we’re just completely different people. I don’t want to hurt her by pulling away from her, but I honestly do find it difficult to be around her. I suppose I’m looking for any advice on how to handle this, whether it’s distancing myself from her or just learning to cope better when I’m around her. Thanks.

boomchicawawa

I've seen this happen with friends but never before with sisters, I can understand your perplexity. She seems to have had a complete personality change. Are you the only one who has noticed this, anyone else in your family mentioned it too?. Some people do change with age or new situations (Marriage/children) etc and you have acknowledged this may have put some space between you but not to the extent you have described. Do you think she's happy ? Could she be slightly resentful that you're still footloose and fancy free with out the responsibility that a young child brings ? or has she suddenly become 'emily twin-set frumpy middle aged' attitude I don't mean to sound flippant but either she's changed dramatically or you missed the signs of something when you were closer. As regards her never asking about your life,I've come across that with some people and usually I just flip them out of my life as friendship needs to be a two way street, but as she's you sis and you were close before you will probably have to persevere and hope that she morphs back somewhat to how she was before. I suppose you aren't tempted to have a heart to heart and tell her how you feel ? This sometimes clears the air but of course it could cause a big rift. I would confide in someone that knows you both and get their input. I hope it resolves itself sooner rather than later.

December2012

My friend doesn't ask me about my life. She's too busy. Her main thing on her mind is her small kids.

It does not mean she doesn't care. It's just her way since she became a parent and that's fine with me. We are still great friends.

If its for appearances, why don't you meet her when there's nobody around to impress - just hang out with her and see how things go.

LegacyUser

Thank you both for your replies, I really do appreciate the advice.

I don't think she's unhappy in her life or jealous of me and my lifestyle to be honest. I do think she's happy, but sometimes the way in which she's so desperate to prove it comes across as a bit cringey and fake. There's definitely a strong element of her doing lots of things for the sake of appearanes. She'd be tripping over herself to post photo after photo of how perfect her life is on Facebook and how utterly idyllic everything is for her, for example. I know that's probably a stupid example.

I tried having a bit of a discussion with her a while back and it went fine in that it didn't cause a huge argument or rift, but neither did it resolve anything. She sort of just said that of course we're as close as we ever were and I'm her sister and she loves me and how family is so important to her. That was nice to hear to some extent. But nothing changed. In many ways an argument would have been better as we might have spoken to each other truthfully.

I feel like in trying to talk to her, there's this whole wall of appearances and superficiality and fakeness that I have to get through before there's any kind of honesty. The one time I brought it up, she kept denying there was a problem so it ended up looking as though I was gunning for a fight with her, when I wasn't. So I kind of just gave up.

I think it'd make more sense to me if we had just drifted. What confuses me is how she really wants to see me despite the fact that she doesn't seem to like who I am anymore, or have any interest in my life. She's trying to force a relationship that makes no sense and I find it frustrating going through the motions of it all.

I've tried to hang out with her just the two of us but if I suggest meeting up for anything that would have previously interested her she says she can't. Obviously, I understand with a young family that her time isn't her own the same way mine would be. So I call over to her and we chat and it's all as I described in my first post - no interest in anything I have to say, incredibly quick to take offence at most things I say and very frustrating.

Other people have noticed that she's changed a lot too, but it's not as hurtful for other people and I don't think anyone else gets the same disinterested / shocked at everything I say treatment.

Thanks again for the advice.