old thread's re marriage issue s

monflat

Hi im just posting here because I need advice re a friend.
I saw some threads here a while ago and I can't seem to find them similar to his suitation. So basically I just want to offer him advice and say he is not only person goin through problems.


His marriage of 12 years has gone so so cold
Both sleep separate beds no intimacy for 4 years
No matter how hard he works he can't bring in enough money
There is no love no caring shown to him by his wife.
Constant giving out from her criticising everything he does or dirs not do.
He help s so much on his days off from work he does everything she heads off for the day and upon arrival home if say a dish is left unwashed or something not done he gets a torment of abuse thrown at him.

He does all he can to avoid a row and attempts to keep mood positive for sake of 3 children

SHe criticises everything he does will not allow him friends and goes ballistic if he texts r face books anyone. She is constantly planting seeds of doubt accusing him of talking to women he works with.

He has no hobbies as she won't let him, no friends bar myself who is encouraging him to take up a class or hobby to build his confidence.

She totally controls him and will not talk to him upon arrival home from work but once he gone to his separate bedroom will bombard him with texts like thanks for ruining my evening or you ruined my week you ****


There are no kind words no love no intimacy

Please if anyone could give me links of other threads similar to this or advice.

She won't admit anything is wrong if he says he fears for their relationship she laughs it off.
If he home from work 5 mins late it will cause her to not talk to him till next day.

He says he will never leave her because of 3 children but I want to offer hin advice mske him aware that its not right to be treated like that.

Czarcasm

monflat wrote: »

He says he will never leave her because of 3 children but I want to offer hin advice mske him aware that its not right to be treated like that.

You're wasting your time OP when he's telling you all that and then uses the children as an excuse to stay in the situation. He knows well it's not right which is why he's feeding you all that stuff, because you're lapping it up and offering him plenty of attention and sympathy.

monflat

Czarcasm wrote: »

You're wasting your time OP when he's telling you all that and then uses the children as an excuse to stay in the situation. He knows well it's not right which is why he's feeding you all that stuff, because you're lapping it up and offering him plenty of attention and sympathy.

Ok thanks im not interested in him or anything I suppose I just hate to see a good person ruined hby a walking b**ch .
Ruining his confidence at work and not goin out having a hobby and actually enjoying the life he has.

Czarcasm

monflat wrote: »

Ok thanks im not interested in him or anything I suppose I just hate to see a good person ruined hby a walking b**ch .
Ruining his confidence at work and not goin out having a hobby and actually enjoying the life he has.

But she's not ruining his life, HE is. He has chosen to stay in that situation. Without the specifics of it, you'd have to ask the question why his wife hasn't said he can't be friends with you?

OT: The search function is disabled in PI and RI, but I'm not sure how useful those other threads would be to you as every situation is different and has it's own specific set of circumstances, some of which you may not even be aware of.

monflat

Yes ur right we all make our own paths in life I know there are two sides to every story too and im only listening to his side but I suppose his confidence is low and says he will walk away with nothing.
But as I say its better to have nothing ( house money wise) than to have a house and a miserable life.


I think he thinks he is only man ever in this suitation
But its up to him to choose to stay and b miserable or to go and have a different life.

Taltos

OP - please clarify how this is a relationship issue for you or we will have to close this thread.

Thanks
Taltos

monflat

Taltos wrote: »

OP - please clarify how this is a relationship issue for you or we will have to close this thread.

Thanks
Taltos

Ok
no its not for me im only trying to offer him a bit of support and advice .


Thread closed ???

Stavro Mueller

You could point your friend in the direction of this forum and get him to post anonymously if it's help he's looking for.

There has been a spate of threads here from men trapped in unhappy marriages but they tend to go round and round in circles. The man's miserable, the wife hates him, the marriage is over but they're both still living under the same roof. People tell him to leave, to get counselling, maybe contact the free legal aid people or AMEN. He won't leave because of the kids and what he feels he's going to lose. Round and round it goes until the wife kicks him out.

The truth is that unless your friend pro actively wants to do something to change things, you're at nothing. He's going to stick it out for fear of what might happen if he leaves.

daisybelle2008

OP, I am not sure of the value of your friend posting here or reading other threads. As Cymbaline says, they tend to go around in circles, with the poster refusing to take responsibility for their situation. The irony about the 'staying' for the children line is (as other posters have stated) in reality the children are being exposed to acrimonious, dysfunctional situations longer than necessary or good for them. In reality it is fear of being alone is the real culprit and you can't 'fix' that for someone. They have to be comfortable with themselves and their choices. Be careful of not over involving yourself in how they should live their lives, these people are good at blaming others when things don't go the way they want. Just be a no judgemental friend and focus on other things.

Sleepy

TBH, I think people can be a bit quick to damn men for not leaving unhappy marriages when there are kids involved. The thought of being a weekend daddy is quite terrifying for many of us and if I'm totally honest, I'd certainly forgive my wife certain things and have learned to live with others that I wouldn't in a less committed relationship.

I'm not saying I'd put up with behaviour like mentioned in the OP (I'd be packing her bags and trying for full custody) but I can certainly understand the reluctance to leave the family home, especially when our society is so quick to consider the family home and custody of any children to be the woman's right in a separation.

stargazer 68

OP a lot of what you have written is 'heresay'. Unless you are living in the house with him you only have his version of events. Be careful not to get caught in the trap of slagging this mans wife off as it may bite you in the end!

If this is how his life is then Im afraid he is going to have to be the one to change it not you. Yes Sleepy is right being a weekend dad is not the best situation however it has to be weighed up against staying in a toxic marriage.

daisybelle2008

Sleepy wrote: »

TBH, I think people can be a bit quick to damn men for not leaving unhappy marriages when there are kids involved. The thought of being a weekend daddy is quite terrifying for many of us and if I'm totally honest, I'd certainly forgive my wife certain things and have learned to live with others that I wouldn't in a less committed relationship.

I'm not saying I'd put up with behaviour like mentioned in the OP (I'd be packing her bags and trying for full custody) but I can certainly understand the reluctance to leave the family home, especially when our society is so quick to consider the family home and custody of any children to be the woman's right in a separation.

To be fair I don't think people are ‘damning’ men for not leaving, people are challenging the logic that the posters (male and female) are presenting, which is to justify continuing exposing their kids to dysfunctional, unhappy adult relationships.

It takes a lot of self-deception to carry on these relationships. Pretending all is rosy to the outside world and to your own kids deluding yourself that the kids don’t know. These couples are definitely not as slick at it as they think. One poster even said he was surprised when his daughter said she was sick of the fighting! He honestly convinced himself she didn’t notice it. His hatred for his wife was bursting from every line he wrote. How anyone would think you could hide that from intuitive children is surprising. Being honest I am sometimes blowing away by the level of hostility, acrimony, lack of respect, downright hate these people have for each other, so it is frankly weird how they think that their children are oblivious to it. Their children are in the exact same house.

Many posters who grew up in these kinds of homes have attested here that they wished their parents split up sooner.

I know it is not easy, but ‘I’m afraid of being a McDonald’s dad’ or ‘I am afraid I won’t meet someone else at my age’ are things that may or may not happen. The reality is you are in an unhappy, acrimonious and dysfunctional relationship, your family is suffering. That is the issue at hand, not continuing the destructive mess on a ‘what if basis’. Weekend dad is the worst custody outcome (I know a lot of 50/50). But isn’t a quality weekend time better than 24/7 Daddy/Mummy hate each other? At least for the family in the long run.

And it really is not gender specific; there are as many female posters who say they are staying for financial reasons too. So two people don’t want to give an inch to the other with regards material possessions and custody, stay in horrible relationships instead of trying to make the split work. Surely good relationships are more important than making your children suffer over negative fears and suppositions about who will get what time or what money.

It sometimes looks like these people do not have the children’s interest at heart, despite believing otherwise.