Am I settling? Or can it grow?

LegacyUser

I'm in my mid-30. I have a male friend who's in his mid-40. I really liked him at the start and I enjoyed the time when we first meet-up. I even initiated to kiss him (a peck on the lips). But he came on too strong after and wanted to see me every day. This scared me away and because of a mis-communication, I decided not to proceed and told him to just be friends. Then we went our separate ways. We both had a relationship with someone else and the relationships did not work. We keep contact from time to time. Recently we started to hang out a bit more (with other friends, summer I guess), and one day I went to his place for lunch, and after a movie in his place, he made a move and kissed me. Indeed, I wanted him to as well but I was confused about my feelings towards him. I tried to stop the kiss a few times and told him I was confused. We chit chatted a bit. He did not discuss anything really, just chit chat about anything and every thing and he then walked me back to my car.

He now takes thing much slower as I think he's learned from the past. But I am still very confused. I know I am attracted to him and I appreciate his personalities and his talents, but I am hesitated...:

1. Age - I think age gap is a bit much.
2. Language - We both communicate in a language not our mother tongue. Sometimes I've got frustrated and annoyed although we have a good level of the common language.
3. His job situation - maybe I sound very shallow, but I do mind a bit that at his 40s he still does not have a very stable job. Although it's understandable as he's moved country and started up all again like what I did and the economic crisis and all. He's doing not too bad to have a job and indeed he had a respectable job back home and was very good at what he's doing. But he could not get one in his field here.

My friend encourages me to try and see how things go, but I really don't wanna lose this friend and I know if I mess him one more time, he will be gone in my life forever.

Merkin

Sounds like you're settling. Your reaction to him when he tried to kiss you says it all really, you shouldn't be feeling this level of uncertainty or confusion if you actually really liked him.

DangerMouse27

Trust your friends judgement. What is the harm in giving it a go?

The age thing? its not really a problem. I have many friends of similar ages and they all get on fine. Possibly better as males over 40 might have a maturity than mid 30s males might not enjoy. Says me, thirty three by the way.

His job situation? That sounds really tough, that he had to work so hard in his other country and here, he has difficulty in attaining a similar state. That cant be easy for him either.

Take a chance, he seems a nice fellow. Hasnt sent you any weird messages, he took the hint the last time and even when you hesitated, he was quite relaxed and very chilled out, even walked you to your car. Feck sake, go for it! Im in my mid thirties, I wish I were as level headed as him.

Daisy78

Op I think you have to go with your gut instinct, there are too many variables here to consider. What is your gut instinct? Youve listed all of his negatives but none of his posotives? Does he even have any? He doesnt seem to have anything going for him from your description of him. He is not what you want. Let him find somebody who appreciates him....you will find a decent guy but its not this one.

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks for the reply.

I thought I mentioned a few good things already, but maybe it's not clear:

He's the type of men I like, full of knowledge, a real gentleman, very helpful, keep his promises, talented etc. We share the same hobby and I think we can encourage each other in this field. He really is attractive. He is very considerate too and he is just very attractive. And I really feel very safe, calm with him and that I can trust him.

And as a poster said, I really did appreciate that he took it so well when I stopped the kissing. He was just so calm and very gentle, and we sat together on the sofa and he played with my hands and just chit chat.

I don't know why I stopped the kisses. But it's nothing about sexual attraction because I know I am sexually attracted to him. But the hesitations were playing on my mind that I couldn't relaxed and let myself go.

Legs.Eleven

If you like him, why would you think you're settling?

LegacyUser

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

If you like him, why would you think you're settling?

Because of the hesitations I listed.

Legs.Eleven

wantodotherighthing wrote: »

Because of the hesitations I listed.

I suppose you have to ask yourself are they big enough reasons where you can see yourself being unhappy down the line. Only you can answer because for me personally, none of those things would be a problem and I wouldn't see it as "settling" (my boyfriend is 10 years older than me in his 40s, Spanish and unemployed btw). Each to their own. Everyone has their limits but no one here can dictate to you what they should be.

LegacyUser

Wanttodotherightthing you're talking about settling, you're in your mid-30s so presumably you're thinking about marriage and the long term.

You've been on the dating scene for 15 years or so?
In that time you haven't met a man who fulfills your criteria for a LTR that leads to marriage, or if you have, you haven't fulfilled theirs.

You have (presumably) in that time identified some of the things you're looking for in a spouse. By your own admission, this guy meets many of them and what you've listed as deal breakers don't seem like that big a deal. The age gap can't be helped, the language thing takes some communication, and it sounds like the job thing will work itself out in the next six months or so, which isn't much in the context of a LTR. You like him enough that you fear losing him as a friend.

So the question I think you need to ask yourself isn't really about settling, but whether what you think you're looking for actually exists, and if it does are you doing things that will help you meet those guys and will you let yourself see it when it appears? The language thing for instance, you seem to want whoever you marry to speak your native language, but you're living in Ireland. . .

I think you need to sit down and really decide what you're looking for and whether this guy meets it. If he doesn't, does anybody?
If you think there's a genuine chance that guys out there are your type, full of knowledge, good gentleman, the right age, with decent jobs for the last ten years and no risk of losing them, and speak either your mother tongue or English as their native language, will be attracted to you, then where are you likely to meet those guys?

Otherwise maybe you need to work on what you're looking for and seeing it when it's there, because this guy sounds like he is what you're looking for, you just don't want to see it.

The Corinthian

Largely reiterating the previous poster, I'd ask three questions.

Are you settling? That's a rhetorical question, so not one of the questions I'd ask, because everyone settles. The simple fact is no one is 'perfect'. No matter how perfect a person is, they're always going to have flaws that may engender 'hesitation'.

So really the first two questions are; is the gap between your ideal and the reality too large and is your ideal, or the gap you're willing to accept, realistic?

When the gap between what you desire in a partner is too great, then I'd agree - you're settling or more correctly you deserve to try for better. They pertinent question is whether what you feel you deserve can realistically be found. In reality, a lot of people are not realistic in this. No one is ever good enough for them, the gap is always too great; and so they never 'settle'.

That's their choice, but what generally happens is this; either they never settle - they remain single for life - or peer pressure, the biological clock or whatever kicks in during their thirties, they panic and settle for the first fertile mammal they find.

So, were I you, I'd ask the above two questions and then the third; what is more important - being with this man or being with a man?

Then, as much as actually analysing the three concerns you have, you'll have your answer.

CaraMay

I dont think its fair that you are leading him on the way you are. Make your call and either have a relationship or not. If you don't want him then someone else will.

LegacyUser

I don't think I have led him on as I was and am always honest to him. I was confused then I told him I was confused. Nothing hidden. Recently I told him honestly about my hesitations and we had a good chat. He was very wise to ask me not to worry about him (that I would hurt him or that I would lose him even as a friend), but just to focus on myself and what I really want.

Thanks you guys for your brilliant inputs. I reflected a lot and read and re-read every post from you guys.

I definitely would not settle for the first fertile mammal I find. Although it would be lovely to have my own child but I honestly don't mind if I don't.

Most probably the worst intention for me to enter into a relationship is to avoid 'loneliness'. I have never done that before but I want to be sure I will not be doing so on anyone either.

Can I find someone like him but with a decent job, a bit younger and share same mother tongue or English and willing to have long term relationship with me? I don't know. Where to find? I don't know. I'm kinda at the stage that I don't want to put effort to 'find' a guy. I just want to enjoy my life and 'meet' some one special.

Now, after a deep thought, I don't mind the guy does not have a decent job at the moment, as I know it's not his fault to be in this situation. He's educated and he's not lazy. He gave up his good job back home just to fulfill his dream to live in Ireland. I do admire him for that. And after all, I can support myself and I don't need his money. He has plans about his future as well and he's talented.

Then the language thing, this really can be dealt with and I really like his country and I may learn his language one day if I can manage.

Only the age thing, I know it really sounds very stupid, but I don't like that idea and most probably the fact that I will need to see my partner die while I will be left alone for years. I know, young lads die early too. But I am talking about in general.

And a question he asked and I want to ask myself as well: Can I treasure him and treat him well like he does to me?

Thanks for the inputs.

The Corinthian

wantodotherighthing wrote: »

Only the age thing, I know it really sounds very stupid, but I don't like that idea and most probably the fact that I will need to see my partner die while I will be left alone for years. I know, young lads die early too. But I am talking about in general.

You can't control death or the whole 'being left alone thing' - after all you could also end up splitting up after five, ten or thirty years (you'd be amazed how many divorce or separate even over the age of 65).

Still, checking out the father or mother of someone is often used as a 'rule of thumb' where it comes to how someone will 'age'. Find out at what age his grandparents died, or if they've yet died. Or what things like heart disease or cancer run through the family.

You may end up pleasantly surprised; some people really do have genes that point twoards longevity - no guarantee, naturally, but you may find that if so, he may well outlive you.

Beruthiel

wantodotherighthing wrote: »

full of knowledge, a real gentleman, very helpful, keep his promises, talented etc. We share the same hobby and I think we can encourage each other in this field. He really is attractive. He is very considerate too and he is just very attractive. And I really feel very safe, calm with him and that I can trust him.

He sounds wonderful. He has morals and ethics. A man of his word.
For me, my only real expectation from a partner is his character, the type of person he is and if we are compatible.

I've never cared what kind of job they have, for me, that is unimportant and is not the mark of a wo/man.
If they can put food on the table and keep a roof over their head, that's enough.

Age gap? So what, humans die at any age.
Just because your partner is X amount of years older than you, doesn't mean they will die first.

Life is a risk, whither it be age, job status, health etc...
All that matters at the end of the day, is that you have someone at your side that you care about, who cares about you.
This man maybe older, may not have the greatest job in the world, but he sure sounds like he'd have your back.

Oh and fyi - perfection does not exist. You'll be a long time waiting for it.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I'm sorry to say, but it sounds like this man is not the man for you. You are making excuses, and trying to find reasons not to be with him... Now you're afraid of what might happen, maybe 40 years down the line.

If you loved him, actually you don't have to even go that far.... If you really liked him, you'd just go with it, and see what happens without overthinking it.

How are you in relationships in general? It sounds to me that you like the idea of a relationship, but when it comes to it you back away, for no good solid reason, other than you are scared to commit - to anyone, not just this fella.

There are no guarantees in life. My friend died in car crash aged 33, pregnant with her first child and left her distraught husband of 4 years behind. He has a lot of his life to live without her, and their baby now.

If you live your life with your guard constantly up thinking of all the things that might go wrong you will never live. You'll just plod through life being so careful to protect yourself from any possible pain that you won't allow yourself to experience life.

Life is wonderful. It's also tough, and heartbreaking. In life we generally experience the full spectrum of emotions, both good and bad. Maybe you need to talk to someone to see why you feel the need to spend your life with your guard constantly up.

Edit: by the way, perfection doesn't exist, either in a person, or in a relationship. Relationships don't just happen and be perfect. There are problems, rows, disagreements... And you have to be strong enough, both as individuals and as a couple to come out the other side. If you are having so many doubts, would you be likely to run for the hills at the first sign of trouble?

jocmilt

You're only in your 30's which is like the new teens. You should have your career and wait until you are in your 40's or 50's before choosing that 'One' special good man who is out there somewhere just waiting for you. I mean, women in their 40's and 50's are just so attractive. Ask any guy. And don't worry if you pile on a few stone becuase any guy who will not see past that to the true you is just not worth being with : )


So anyway .... do you like cats?

LegacyUser

THANKS again guys for the the replies. I like the reminder that life is for you to experience and all.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If you are having so many doubts, would you be likely to run for the hills at the first sign of trouble?

No, I would not run for the hills if I make the decision to be with this person. I am the type that's usually slow but when I decide I would be very devoted and then it's always the time I got dumped. Sadly.

It sounds like I am just thinking but instead I am feeling as well. Well, I just don't wanna be blind with feelings and emotions. LOVE for me always involves rational decisions.

jocmilt wrote: »

So anyway .... do you like cats?

I do like cats. I prefer cats to dogs.

Taltos

jocmilt - please read our charter. If we see another post or comment like the above, unlike the OP who has taken it well we will not, and instead we will be forced to issue a ban.

Thanks
Taltos