Advice please

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I have been going out for nearly 5 years (living together 2), we hardly ever argue but when we do, we really argue!

He changes and becomes a very spiteful person, even when he is in the wrong.

He never apologises or tries to sort things out, he just storms off and texts me what he thinks.

He is generally a really loving and caring person but im just wondering if im seeing his true colours when we fight? its a side I don't like, and I most definitely do not want to raise a family around that behaviour (no kids yet).

His family are not very nice people and people always say "o hes the good one, the one that got away"....but they don't see what happens then when we argue, Im just so confused

any advice would be greatly appricated

Idle Passerby

I don't understand what you mean by his family referring to him as "the good one that got away". Are they saying you should hold onto him? Are they saying he got away from the family?

Anyway, have you tried talking to him after the arguement, when he calms down? Does he express any regret or apology over his behaviour then or does he think its a perfectly reasonable way to behave? Of course all couples argue but if the way he deals with arguments is making you feel you couldn't have a child with him in the future that is a serious problem. I think you need to make him aware of how big an issue it is for you, and perhaps try to come up with a way you can deal with conflicts more productively.

heretochat

Communication again seems to be an issue at the heart of the problem here.. Your OH seems to have a difficulty in communicating his feelings to you when you argue (texting them seems rather childish imo).. and then can't bring himself to apologise (when he is wrong)..

You both need to work on this if you are to have a successful relationship.

Big Bag of Chips

My husband would have been a little like that. I'm very "nice" Even in an argument, I could never say anything hurtful to him. My side of arguments used to be my perspective, what I wanted or felt. His side of arguments used to be just to attack me personally, and say awful things.

This used to upset me because it wasn't how I fight!

I pointed it out to him one day... He had never noticed. He had never noticed that I never got personal in my arguments. He knew he did, but didn't notice I didn't. It was just the way he was brought up. He's from a "rougher" area than me, and attack was always the best form of defense, I suppose.

He hasn't done it since I pointed it out to him. We still argue, obviously, but now it's about the circumstances of the row and not about personal insults.

He has also gotten better at apologising!

Have you tried pointing it out to him?

LegacyUser

OP here.
thanks for the replies.

His family are a bunch of liars who i (and him usually) don't really see eye to eye (over all the lies obv).
what i meant in my original post was that people - not his imitiate family - but others would usually comment about my OH saying he got awat from the lies, hatred etc.

we just had a massive row now - after last night - and hes on the fone to his dad, checking is he home to get away from our problems. he knows this really hurts me because i like to sort things out, but he runs off and returns calm as a breeze and pretends nothing happened. (this is why its brewing over since yesterday), and also because his dad will encourage him to keep arguing with me.

i just don't no what to do anymore, i love him to bits but i cant say i do when he behaves like this.

Idle Passerby

This sounds like bullying tactics. He's doing what he knows will hurt and frustrate you the most. Its a way for him to let off steam, i.e. fighting with you, then running away so you dont get to let off your own steam, i.e. resolving the issue through discussion. You need to find a way to get it across to him that you cant live like that, its actually damaging your whole relationship and it will come to an end if you dont find ways to resolve your issues that both people can live with.

judgefudge

People learn how to deal with conflict from their parents as they grow up. If, like you say, his family is a bad one then maybe he just never learned how to process arguments in a reasonable manner.

Not saying he's not in the wrong, but everyone has different ways of dealing with conflict. Maybe you need to sit down and talk to him about it when you are not arguing, or when you have just made up. If he is generally a good guy then I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he acts this way purely to hurt you.

Jessica xxx

Minnie_13 wrote: »

My boyfriend and I have been going out for nearly 5 years (living together 2), we hardly ever argue but when we do, we really argue!

He changes and becomes a very spiteful person, even when he is in the wrong.

He never apologises or tries to sort things out, he just storms off and texts me what he thinks.

He is generally a really loving and caring person but im just wondering if im seeing his true colours when we fight? its a side I don't like, and I most definitely do not want to raise a family around that behaviour (no kids yet).

His family are not very nice people and people always say "o hes the good one, the one that got away"....but they don't see what happens then when we argue, Im just so confused

any advice would be greatly appricated

My now "x partner" was like that. We were together 4 years, and living together the best part of the 4 years also. We were living together and working together which can be difficult sometimes ill admit.

When we had a blow up or a row (always about something totally stupid) both of us would storm off. Then he would always txt me after the row with what ever he forgot to dig at me about at the time (sometimes from the next room) instead of speaking to me to my face.

This just drove me wild and was a constant re-occurrence for most of our 4 years together anytime we fought. I felt like he couldn't approach me when in fact he was the hot headed, angry, unapproachable one.

I guess what im trying to say here is, i feel in my situation the main factor of our relationship ending (only recently 4 weeks ago) was a SERIOUS lack of proper adult communication.

If you dont sort out the communication side of things and have him talk your issues out with you as they happen i hate to say it but it will probley all end badly like my relationship did. A relationship cannot function properly with out talking about things.

I left my partner, and im absolutly gutted. I miss him so much. We had a major row and this time he wasnt willing to let it go at all. He would not let go of his anger and resentment and try work it out. I hung on for as long as i could but things were not getting any better so i had no choice but to leave him. If we had of talked and communicated better then maybe things would have been different.

All im saying is, try get him to calm down and talk, if you love him, try really hard, cos with out talking it will be so hard to make it work long term!

Best of luck x