Getting Married - Overwhelmed!

Bananaleaf

Hi there

So, I'm getting married!!

I'm over the moon to be getting married to a wonderful man, but I'm very overwhelmed with all the organising etc.. To be honest, I really don't know where to start!!

I've no relationship with my mother, am the oldest sibling - the others are boys and I'm the first of my friends to marry - so I don't even have the experiences of others to start me off!

We will want a very low key event, with close family only. We're thinking an absolute max of 30 people, so maybe a registry office and a meal. But I don't know what to do next. It seems odd, more than likely, to have a wedding that small? I'm wondering how this kind of thing works - are there hotels that offer smaller function rooms? Any wedding I've been to was enormous!

Dress shopping seems very overwhelming too - I don't recognise any of the brands and the websites aren't very user friendly!

We are getting married in June and already I'm feeling the stress of having to organise all this stuff. I'm a very laid back person, but there doesn't seem to be a 'laid back' option for wedding planning!

Help me please!

Berty

Get the big things out of the way first.

Pick a date, find a hotel or other venue and book the registery office for the day you want as well when you can tie in a venue for that day.

A lot of hotels have smaller rooms. The hotel I have has a second room for up to 80 guests and only allow one wedding per day so even though I'm using the big room nobody will be using that or vice versa.

For wedding dresses, although I have no involvement in that, my OH was looking for a specific dress and information was like blood from a stone. We only wanted to know if they has or stocked it and how much. They wanted her to book an hours visit to get the answers even though she knew the dress and just wanted to buy it. They are all very secretive as are flowerist just so you know.

Get a photographer sooner than later as they only do x number of weddings per year or per week.

After those things it becomes much easier as its really just dressing the wedding after that.

You might want to specify your location and people can give you venue suggestions for your wedding size.

Ms2011

I was in your shoes (still kinda am!!) in January. I'd been to a few weddings but tbh I never really had enough interest in them to pay much attention to organising one!

As said matching the venue & ceremony dates should be done first as you obviously need those on the same day!

My wedding is on the smaller side, 40 for the meal & ceremony & about another 50 for the afters. The hotel I'm having mine in have a room that caters to between 15-75 so no problems there.

I got a book in the library with a 'what to do & when' list in the back & it's been a God send as I just keep up with the list, ticking things off as I go & things have been moving along nicely & I haven't felt too stress (yet!!!).

As for dresses, I haven't a clue about designers (except Vera Wang), go shopping & just pick out a dress you like within in your budget, no one will care who made it.

Selfheal

Hi

You can really make it as stress-free as you want. The whole dress thing gave me the heebie-jeebies I have to say. Lived in Dun Laoghaire at the time so went on a mission into the Barnardo's bridal shop on the main street. The dresses are mostly new, but cast-offs from designers, so you'll save a fortune and yet are giving to a great cause. Met a fantastic woman there who took charge of me, tried on two dresses and picked the second one. Got the dress and a hair grip thing in there too, so all sorted. Huge relief.

Booked the Schoolhouse for our meal, - we had 40 guests. If you are getting married in the Registry office in Beggar's Bush, this would be a handy venue.

All the best, and the most important thing is - do it the way YOU and your partner want - don't let others influence you against your better judgement.

Have fun!

basketmon

first thing we found helped was to work out a budget your comfortable with and a rough guest list. this will give you an idea of what you have per head.
then based on this you can look at a venue/restaurant for a meal.

littles things add up - so take these into account you d be really suprised so just budget these in too if your gonna have them. but all of these you can take of leave its what you want at the end of the day.

ive read it a million times and i think other brides might agree - tell people as little as possible until your confident yourself. as everyone has opinions on weddings.

the dress - this totally overwealms everyone i think so dont worry. theres a few options - online (can work out alot cheaper but needs research), bridal shops (traditional, vintage, ive heard oxfam etc do amazing preloved or donated dresses) or highstreet shops like coast monsoon etc that do lovely ones. again thought id sit down first and have an idea on budget cause these things can get out of control.

Bananaleaf

Thank you so much for the replies!

I thought I was the only one! So I feel better already!

Yes, so to narrow it down and get some possible help/suggestions on venues - we are from dublin and Wicklow so I guess either of those or something around them.

We would like to budget in this - we have other things we would like to spend our money on, rather than designer dresses and paying to have people there that we don't really like, just because X's nose would be out of joint, etc..

We're not interested in making the money spent back in gifts etc..

It's nice to hear that others have small weddings too - I only hear of people having enormous ones and, to be honest, I don't know how they afford them!

Re: the dress - charity shop is an excellent idea! I also just thought - we will be travelling to NYC in November, so I could check the outlets there too.

I notice there is a thread for low cost weddings - that will be good for me and, I think I will look for a book rather than these pricey magazines they're selling in the shops!

Thank you, feeling better already!

illgetthere

Selfheal wrote: »

Hi

You can really make it as stress-free as you want. The whole dress thing gave me the heebie-jeebies I have to say. Lived in Dun Laoghaire at the time so went on a mission into the Barnardo's bridal shop on the main street. The dresses are mostly new, but cast-offs from designers, so you'll save a fortune and yet are giving to a great cause. Met a fantastic woman there who took charge of me, tried on two dresses and picked the second one. Got the dress and a hair grip thing in there too, so all sorted. Huge relief.

Booked the Schoolhouse for our meal, - we had 40 guests. If you are getting married in the Registry office in Beggar's Bush, this would be a handy venue.

All the best, and the most important thing is - do it the way YOU and your partner want - don't let others influence you against your better judgement.

Have fun!

Hi! Your wedding sounds fab! I'm recently engaged too and also finding the organising overwhelming. Plus, everyone seems to expect you to have your wedding planned ASAP!

We are also thinking of having a small wedding max 30 and a restaurant type reception. Can I ask if you have made any entertainment plans for the evening? I'm not sure what would be appropriate for a small wedding and what would suit us so looking for ideas! Cheers

munchkin_utd

30 overall means 15 from each side or including yourselves, thats 14 on each side.
Because its impossible to ask someone without their partner, thats only 7 family/ friends you can each invite .

All I am saying is... be careful of the "+1" effect!!!

Beruthiel

Bananaleaf wrote: »

We're thinking an absolute max of 30 people, so maybe a registry office and a meal. But I don't know what to do next. It seems odd, more than likely, to have a wedding that small? I'm wondering how this kind of thing works - are there hotels that offer smaller function rooms?

Our wedding party consisted of 34 people.
All hotels have big and small function rooms and you will not be turned away from most places because of the size of your wedding.
We had a hand fasting ceremony on the grounds of the hotel.

what2do

No matter what I'm doing I find having a list and plans helps cos I just feel in control!


Check out www.myweddingplanner.ie which is aimed at brides to be in Ireland as opposed to most of them out there that are American!

jlm29

There was a groupon yesterday for an online wedding coordinator course. It was only €29. Maybe you'd get something worthwhile from that!

Bananaleaf

munchkin_utd wrote: »

30 overall means 15 from each side or including yourselves, thats 14 on each side.
Because its impossible to ask someone without their partner, thats only 7 family/ friends you can each invite .

All I am saying is... be careful of the "+1" effect!!!

This is very true, and you are right. But we have considered it. On my side, I have 7 family members, and that is including +1s.

I possibly have 8 friends including +1s and that is it.

My other half may have slightly more - we haven't say and thought about definite numbers yet, but there is no way we will go over 40.

Nevertheless, you are right, these numbers can creep up!

A solid guest list is first thing so! Thank you.

Bananaleaf

jlm29 wrote: »

There was a groupon yesterday for an online wedding coordinator course. It was only €29. Maybe you'd get something worthwhile from that!

Wow! I will get right on this - even cheaper than a book I imagine!

Bananaleaf

Selfheal wrote: »

Hi

You can really make it as stress-free as you want. The whole dress thing gave me the heebie-jeebies I have to say. Lived in Dun Laoghaire at the time so went on a mission into the Barnardo's bridal shop on the main street. The dresses are mostly new, but cast-offs from designers, so you'll save a fortune and yet are giving to a great cause. Met a fantastic woman there who took charge of me, tried on two dresses and picked the second one. Got the dress and a hair grip thing in there too, so all sorted. Huge relief.

Booked the Schoolhouse for our meal, - we had 40 guests. If you are getting married in the Registry office in Beggar's Bush, this would be a handy venue.

All the best, and the most important thing is - do it the way YOU and your partner want - don't let others influence you against your better judgement.

Have fun!

I agree - this sounds fab - congrats! Hmmm - I think I will indeed look into the schoolhouse. I know of it - and from the outside it looks lovely - very beautiful for pretty much the centre of town! Thank you very much for sharing this info

Bananaleaf

Really - thank you all so much for the replies so far - in less than 24hrs since posting a huge weight has been lifted and I no longer feel all on my own with this!!

ncmc

First of all, congratulations!

Second of all, take a deep breath! You have loads of time! Get the big things out of the way first, book your registery office and your hotel. Alot of hotels also allow you to perform the wedding there (my sister did this) so that cuts down a bit of work. You will need to have numbers for your hotel, so sit down and do a realistic list. I agree with Munchkin, beware the +1 effect. You may think of people as you start to plan, but 40 sounds like a lovely number. Things like flowers, dresses, entertainment can wait for a little while.

With regards to dresses, don't worry too much about designers, just book an appointment in a couple of shops and try on a few different styles. You may have an idea of what you want and end up with something completely different! I bought my dress in Town Bridal in Powerscourt and have nothing but good things to say about them. I didn't have a clue what I was looking for and they really helped me get my head straight. I know a few people since who have bought there and all reports back have been positive. I think most people go into wedding dress shopping a bit blind, any staff member worth their salt will be able to clarify your needs and wants very quickly.

I would maybe think about some sort of entertainment for after the meal. I know your numbers would be too small for a DJ, but I think it would be nice to have something to set it apart from an ordinary meal out. Maybe if you put a specific thread up about that, you might get some nice suggestions.

Neyite

We are planning a small wedding very similar to yours. I immediately declared it a family only no-frills event. No bridesmaid, groomsmen, chair covers etc.

We are planning a small ceremony with family only, then onto a nice meal. Then after that we will go to a pub /bar, maybe get a DJ (haven't decided yet) and anyone that knows us is welcome to come along. No gifts are expected or anything like that.

Not doing bridesmaids - my sisters will help me on the day but can wear whatever they like. Ditto groomsmen. No wedding cars, using family. Our cake is a collaborative gift from two family members, but I'd happily pick up a couple of plain ones in Tesco for €20 and throw a ribbon or a few flowers on top. No church flowers/buttonholes, photographers/video. No need.

I just want to enjoy my day without chasing up this and that all day long.

Bananaleaf

ncmc wrote: »

First of all, congratulations!

Second of all, take a deep breath! You have loads of time! Get the big things out of the way first, book your registery office and your hotel. Alot of hotels also allow you to perform the wedding there (my sister did this) so that cuts down a bit of work. You will need to have numbers for your hotel, so sit down and do a realistic list. I agree with Munchkin, beware the +1 effect. You may think of people as you start to plan, but 40 sounds like a lovely number. Things like flowers, dresses, entertainment can wait for a little while.

With regards to dresses, don't worry too much about designers, just book an appointment in a couple of shops and try on a few different styles. You may have an idea of what you want and end up with something completely different! I bought my dress in Town Bridal in Powerscourt and have nothing but good things to say about them. I didn't have a clue what I was looking for and they really helped me get my head straight. I know a few people since who have bought there and all reports back have been positive. I think most people go into wedding dress shopping a bit blind, any staff member worth their salt will be able to clarify your needs and wants very quickly.

I would maybe think about some sort of entertainment for after the meal. I know your numbers would be too small for a DJ, but I think it would be nice to have something to set it apart from an ordinary meal out. Maybe if you put a specific thread up about that, you might get some nice suggestions.

Thank you for your congratulations! I'm really over the moon! Yes, this is what I want re: entertainment. Want to set it aside from a regular family meal.

Neyite wrote: »

We are planning a small wedding very similar to yours. I immediately declared it a family only no-frills event. No bridesmaid, groomsmen, chair covers etc.

We are planning a small ceremony with family only, then onto a nice meal. Then after that we will go to a pub /bar, maybe get a DJ (haven't decided yet) and anyone that knows us is welcome to come along. No gifts are expected or anything like that.

Not doing bridesmaids - my sisters will help me on the day but can wear whatever they like. Ditto groomsmen. No wedding cars, using family. Our cake is a collaborative gift from two family members, but I'd happily pick up a couple of plain ones in Tesco for €20 and throw a ribbon or a few flowers on top. No church flowers/buttonholes, photographers/video. No need.

I just want to enjoy my day without chasing up this and that all day long.

Neyite - our plans sound very similar. Though I do want photos.

Neyite

Bananaleaf wrote: »

Neyite - our plans sound very similar. Though I do want photos.

I'll have photos - a couple of people in the family are pretty good amateurs and have decent equipment too. Just not paying a guy for thousands when I know I'll have enough for a lovely album anyway.

Bananaleaf

Hmmm .. If I had a friend with good photography skills this would be great. Will have to see what they are like.

I've another question if anyone can help - what is the etiquette regarding negotiating with hotels on price/extras?

Am I out of order to ask the following questions?

1. Can you include room rate for bride and groom in your package?
2. Can you drop price of corkage
3. Can we bring our own food for afters? Sandwiches and just get tea and coffee?

Obv I wouldn't expect to get all that, but just wondering - do people ask these questions or is it considered bad manners?

Thanks

jlm29

Bananaleaf wrote: »

Hmmm .. If I had a friend with good photography skills this would be great. Will have to see what they are like.

I've another question if anyone can help - what is the etiquette regarding negotiating with hotels on price/extras?

Am I out of order to ask the following questions?

1. Can you include room rate for bride and groom in your package?
2. Can you drop price of corkage
3. Can we bring our own food for afters? Sandwiches and just get tea and coffee?

Obv I wouldn't expect to get all that, but just wondering - do people ask these questions or is it considered bad manners?

Thanks

Those questions are fine, other than q 3. Firstly, there's the money end of things. That would be a bit like asking if it was ok if the guests kept a bottle of voddy under the table, to cut down on the cost of a round. But secondly, there's a food safety aspect to it. A hotel is unlikely to allow food not cooked in a haccp certified kitchen be served on the premises. If your (for example) egg sandwiches spent longer than they should out of the fridge, and the mayo turned, and your relative/friend was to be violently ill after eating it, they aren't going to say "the egg sandwich that the b&g prepared in their own kitchen made me sick"... They're going to say "I was at a wedding once in that hotel, and I got food poisoning". So the hotel won't be having that! Some hotels ask to see a haccp cert from the cake maker too, for that reason.
I'd be more likely to ask for things like a first anniversary weekend away, a gym membership, free tea and coffee on arrival etc.
good luck!

Gatica

Congratulations Bananaleaf!

I think I agree with jlm29 about the third question. Unless you're bringing in your own caterers for the whole event, you wouldn't really bring in your own supplies except for dinner drinks. Even for wine with dinner corkage, most hotels stipulate that it only applies during the meal and the bottles are taken away with the food, as they make money on the bar.
Other than that you can ask for many other discounts - rooms for parents/bridal party, anniversary discounts, free evening food or arrivals canapes, even wine as part of your package... Also ask for discounts, e.g. if you don't get bridal party rooms for free, maybe some money off them, discounted corkage for sparkling or table wine, discounted evening food or maybe an extra choice/selection for free.

Wrt planning your wedding from scratch:

1. know your budget
2. put your guest list together
3. find and book a venue and a registrar/church
4. do your intention to marry paperwork
5. the rest kinda falls together afterwards....

Bananaleaf

Hi all

So - the update is .... We have decided on a very small ceremony.

We are not going to bother with a function at all. I recently saw photos of an old friends wedding - it was very small, about 60 people. But, because of the amount of people the venue was also small. To be honest, the whole thing looked very claustrophobic and, in one way, more intrusive on the couple than a big wedding would have been. Has anyone any thoughts on this? Maybe it was just that venue?

Our plan now is to have a ceremony in a registry office and then a really decent, lavish meal with our very close friends and family. This will be under 30 people in total. Then back home to celebrate intimately at home with the family where we can do our own music, food etc.

We are going to NYC in December so we imagine it would be better to look at rings there? Would anyone have any advice on that?

Thank you!

HeidiHeidi

It's a long time ago, but my sister and her husband did something very similar.

Registry office in Dublin (much to our mother's dismay, I think she'd have gone for a mosque, or a synagogue, or the Lil' White Chapel in Vegas as a last resort, but no joy, hubby wasn't having any form of God involved), and then a really gorgeous meal for about 20 family in a beautiful restaurant in the city centre (no longer in business, sadly), which then expanded into a bit of a knees up for about 40 that evening with music.

One of the nicest weddings I've ever been at, and I'd definitely consider doing something similar if I ever succumb to the temptation to marry (which is unlikely!)

Bananaleaf

Thank you HeidiHeidi!

solerina

To be honest organising a wedding is as stressful as you let it be...I am getting married in a few weeks and have had no stress at all...but I havnt let it stress me out at all...I only went to one dress shop and found a dress that I liked (I don't love it, it isn't amazing but its a nice dress and it will look fine on the day)...I booked a hotel that I really like, a band that I love (both of those were important to me) bought invitations online from vistaprint, a friend is driving us to the venue, another friend is doing the flowers, I met and booked a local photographer, I found a local woman who makes wedding cakes. It can be very easy if you just take your time and don't panic....everyone will have a brilliant day anyway...as for dresses loads of shops have sale rails and they can be looked up online, monsoon have some nice dresses and phase 8 have some lovely but not to expensive ones online !! If your gong to NYC try Davids bridal (look them up online) they have good quality but not expensive dresses...and lastly take a deep breath....you''ll be grand !!!

Bananaleaf

I actually bought a dress this morning .... On ASOS for €50!

likewise, it's not an amazing dress that I absolutely had to have or anything, it's plain, it's lacy in parts, it's classy and it will look lovely for the occasion. In fact, I think anything too bridal and extravagant would be wasted on me considering how small I'm going!

Realtine

Neyite wrote: »

We are planning a small wedding very similar to yours. I immediately declared it a family only no-frills event. No bridesmaid, groomsmen, chair covers etc.

We are planning a small ceremony with family only, then onto a nice meal. Then after that we will go to a pub /bar, maybe get a DJ (haven't decided yet) and anyone that knows us is welcome to come along. No gifts are expected or anything like that.

Not doing bridesmaids - my sisters will help me on the day but can wear whatever they like. Ditto groomsmen. No wedding cars, using family. Our cake is a collaborative gift from two family members, but I'd happily pick up a couple of plain ones in Tesco for €20 and throw a ribbon or a few flowers on top. No church flowers/buttonholes, photographers/video. No need.

I just want to enjoy my day without chasing up this and that all day long.

Ha Ha - This could've been my post! We're doing something very similar, people keep asking me how's the wedding plans going? All I can tell them is that's it's booked. Not much else to do.

foxxykate

Ok well this is my first time posting here... I'm engaged a year, wedding planned for spring 2014. I am so in love with my fiancé, he is the best and most amazing person I could ever imagine or hope to marry.
The only thing is I hate being the centre of attention and the idea of everyone looking at me (and him obviously!) for the day makes me feel sick. I also worry after spending a small fortune people mightn't have fun!! Himself would love "the big day" but says if I want a small family only ceremony and meal that's fine too. (One of the many reasons I love him ) My parents have very kindly said they will pay for the meal (even if having a big day!) and I feel guilty as this could be a huge expense on them.
The most important thing for me is the marriage, not the actual wedding day. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and what did ye do? Thanks, F x

Neyite

foxxykate wrote: »

Ok well this is my first time posting here... I'm engaged a year, wedding planned for spring 2014. I am so in love with my fiancé, he is the best and most amazing person I could ever imagine or hope to marry.
The only thing is I hate being the centre of attention and the idea of everyone looking at me (and him obviously!) for the day makes me feel sick. I also worry after spending a small fortune people mightn't have fun!! Himself would love "the big day" but says if I want a small family only ceremony and meal that's fine too. (One of the many reasons I love him ) My parents have very kindly said they will pay for the meal (even if having a big day!) and I feel guilty as this could be a huge expense on them.
The most important thing for me is the marriage, not the actual wedding day. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and what did ye do? Thanks, F x

One of the reasons I'm having a family only day is because I dont want hundreds of people looking at me. I would not be able to relax and enjoy myself, but I'm planning a meal with family then an informal session in a nice bar with a bit of a dj for the evening as I'd be fine for that. (and I'll have had a wee drink to settle the nerves by then)

Bananaleaf

foxxykate wrote: »

Ok well this is my first time posting here... I'm engaged a year, wedding planned for spring 2014. I am so in love with my fiancé, he is the best and most amazing person I could ever imagine or hope to marry.
The only thing is I hate being the centre of attention and the idea of everyone looking at me (and him obviously!) for the day makes me feel sick. I also worry after spending a small fortune people mightn't have fun!! Himself would love "the big day" but says if I want a small family only ceremony and meal that's fine too. (One of the many reasons I love him ) My parents have very kindly said they will pay for the meal (even if having a big day!) and I feel guilty as this could be a huge expense on them.
The most important thing for me is the marriage, not the actual wedding day. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and what did ye do? Thanks, F x

Yep, again, same as Neyite - don't want people looking at me! Hehe, I'm glad I can say this without being looked at as if I have 10 heads.

Also, the idea of spending in the region of 10k for one day just doesn't sit right with me. I know the age old argument is that "you make it back on gifts" but I often think of the other things I could do with that amount of savings

Anyway, as the OP just an update - we have decided on a month (not an actual date yet), we have the guest list planned - I've ordered all the stationery for my invitations, I've bought my dress, I've picked a ring style so the oh will get something similar to what I picked and formally propose at some point, but my family already know! (Due to close family members having to relocate abroad thus not being able to be here for the wedding - something I wouldn't expect given how small an affair it will be)

So, basically, we're doing EVERYTHING the wrong way round!! But, we're really happy! Both our parents are being very supportive of such a small event, which was important for us (although not necessary) to hear. You know how mothers can sometimes get!

foxxykate

Neyite wrote: »

One of the reasons I'm having a family only day is because I dont want hundreds of people looking at me. I would not be able to relax and enjoy myself, but I'm planning a meal with family then an informal session in a nice bar with a bit of a dj for the evening as I'd be fine for that. (and I'll have had a wee drink to settle the nerves by then)

Thanks a million Neyite, I think we are definitely doing the right thing, already I feel as if a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I was getting really anxious about it. So it's going to be both our immediate families plus their OHs and my 2 dogs, I couldn't be happier :-)

prettygurrly

Word of warning on the dress shopping front in NYC...beware of customs on the way back in. You'll probably be carrying your beloved dress in a suit carrier and you will get stopped and charged the VAT and customs. I can't find anything that says the maximum value you can import without paying VAT but it's probably around the €500 mark