What's he playing at?

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

This is a bit of a weird one.

Had a family function last week where some military of a certain country were involved! I got chatting to one of them as the day went on. He was extremely attractive and we got on so well. He was wearing a wedding ring so I knew this was just a friendly encounter.

He seemed really flirty. Not in an overtly sexual way, just showering me with compliments and praising me on my hostess skills. Although he did look at me in "that way" a lot. We spent most of the evening together and many others there commented to me after that it definitely looked as if something was brewing between us.

He told me about his wife and almost mentioned her too much through the evening as if he was trying to convince himself he was married, rather than convincing me!
The last two guys I knew who kept talking about their wives this much were both out on the prowl looking for affairs. They didn't get it from me, but they did get it from other girls.

He kept saying he'd like to see me again, but not in an obvious way. Something about him seemed really practised and made me think this guy is a classic cool player. Yet something else made me think he was just being genuinely nice to me.

I have no idea now. Maybe I'm just hoping he fancied me, as it would be a nice ego boost for me as he was so handsome. I have no intention of getting involved with him, he is married. I'm not that kind of girl.

Yet I just wonder if he was angling for something? I've heard stories of military guys who are married yet have a string of women on the go.

What do you guys think? Have I dodged a bullet? Or have I just made a lovely new friend?

heretochat

Sounds like a creep to me to be honest... I tihnk your instincts about him being a player are 100% on the money.

I would avoid all future contact with him as you don't want to encourage him to any degree..

There may be other women out there who are prepared to pander to his ego and give him a "bit on the side" but you should not be one of them..

I get the impression that you know all this anyway

Mc Kenzie

A lovely new "freind", IMO, I highly doubt. Whenever I meet a guy who is married or with a ring, I'll be polite, but il always steer away from anything that could indicate anything else and try any get out f there.

Ifs nice you were flattered, but you should leave it at that. I always think, what if that was my husband? And it really saddens me.

I think you should leave it at that, we,don't know what this guy a into, but IMO, I wouldn't hang around to get caught up in or tempt, anything to happen.

Beruthiel

GeorgiaMae6 wrote: »

Or have I just made a lovely new friend?

Friend?
I think not.
You know very well he's not interested in you as a friend.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies.

I'm a bit surprised they are all along the same vein, I thought I may get mixed responses.
Is it really a case of a married man not being able to want a freindship with another women?

He's not Irish, maybe other nationalities are a bit more at ease with platonic relationships than married Irish men ( the married men I mentioned in OP who did have affairs were all Irish ).

I will say, the longer I have to think about this the more I think he was just being super nice to me. OK, he probably did like me, in what way, I'm not sure. But I'm pretty certain he is totally in love with his wife and I doubt he would cheat.

We have had contact via email since. I had to thank him and his colleagues for their involvement in the day. He wrote me back a very friendly email saying he now see's me and my family as friends.

Maybe I got the wrong feeling initially.

LegacyUser

I think it may not be quite as clear cut as the other responses make it out to be.

Ok, for sure trust your gut and if you feel he is a sleaze, then he probably is. You have to go with your instinct. But it seems to me you are confused as to what he is after? He may not be after what all the others are thinking. I would think if he wanted to get in your pants he would have pulled off the weddiing ring and pretended to be single? Surely the wedding ring would be a sure fire way of him NOT getting an ounce of action from someone he just met.

Maybe he is just being friendly, genuinely.

Just my two cents OP.

ash23

I'd reserve judgement until/unless you hear from him again. If he were to suggest meeting up then fine, but I would think that a one-on-one meetup would be inappropriate.
He might be just looking to make friends in which case a group setting would be completely fine.

It also depends on your feelings towards him. Were you attracted to him? If so I'd steer clear. If you think you can be platonic friends and you have no interest in him then inviting him into your group of friends won't do any harm.

But if you think you'd be tempted or if he wants to meet up with you alone, I'd stay well away from that scenario.

Chucky the tree

You sound desperate to try and convince yourself that he's not interested in an affair just so you can remain friends(and probably more) with him.

GeorgiaMae6

GeorgiaMae6 wrote: »

Is it really a case of a married man not being able to want a freindship with another women?.

No, and you know it. There's friendship, and there's this.

Big Bag of Chips

He might be a married man, but he is still just a man! He will still find other women attractive. Your concern shouldn't be what he's playing at but more what you're playing at.

I have to agree with Chucky the tree, you are contradicting yourself in almost every sentence.

If you want a "lovely new friend" why the need to mention how attractive he is, or how he looked at you "that way" a lot, or how everyone else commented that something was brewing between you.

It's understandable that you would be flattered by attention from him. But unless you have reason to happen to be in his company again, I would leave it at "It was lovely to meet you, all the best". You definitely shouldn't actively try to arrange for you to meet up. If you do, you are fooling yourself that you *just* want a friend.

DangerMouse27

A married man wanting a platonic friendship with an attractive single woman,
Oh dear...

I reckon his wife is delighted that he is so friendly with random women..(bear in mind you did say how it looked to others that something was brewing, how do you reckon it would have looked to his wife?)

Im only adding my two cents because I think Big Bag of Chips is on the money with his post.

heretochat

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Your concern shouldn't be what he's playing at but more what you're playing at.

If you want a "lovely new friend" why the need to mention how attractive he is, or how he looked at you "that way" a lot, or how everyone else commented that something was brewing between you.

Agree with this really. It may be only my impression but it appears that the OP has had her head turned by this guy and is seeking some sort of validation here. If not, then the references to the guys attractiveness, what other people thought was "brewing" are superfluous...

As a guy, I would re-iterate what I said in a previous response, steer clear.. I wold not trust his motives... And could you trust yourself if placed in a compromising position with him?

By all means be flattered by the attention but draw the line there.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your views.

I know it seems as though I am contradicting myself in my posts. In my first I had pretty much figured he was up to no good and possibly wanted something... although he never in any way made any sort of advances.

My second post makes me think he was just being a nice guy. After reading his email to me, it seemed so sweet and genuine, saying he see's us all as friends now ( he didn't single me out as just a friend, he included all my family ).

Is it possible he may see us all as becoming friends, my family and his ( wife included )? We did all have a great time. Maybe I was reading too much into it on the day, it was an emotionally charged occasion!

Sure I was flattered, everyone there commented on how attractive he was and I guess the comments were a bit of a dig to be honest as he did spend most of the evening chatting to me.

I am not going to dare persue anything, I am not into married men. However I would have no problem being friends with him and his family.

dellas1979

I dunno-bit of an odd post...

I think maybe you read too much in to it/over thought it as you were sexually charged yourself by the situation (indicating, no you cant be lovely friends with him). But he was chatting/flirting with you (as men/women do, even married) and all of a sudden he might be up for an affair? Like, did he actually touch you or suggest he wanted something sexual from you?

We are hearing it from your sexually charged perspective though (and in that scenario, our wee egos go into imagination overdrive-almost cant help themselves into a "he wanted me" thought. Read back above. All of a sudden in your head he might want an affair).

I'm sure you can make genuine new friends else where - not ones driven by sexual desire (especially on your part).

LegacyUser

@Dellas1979 - No, it wasn't sexually charged at all on my part. The evening was a highly emotionaal event for me and my family. There was no sexual element at all going on, not on my end. I was flattered that he complimented me, chose to spend most of the evening with me, when every other woman in the room would have rathered it were them he spent it with. I got an ego boost, it was nice! He was a hot looking guy with a wonderful personality.

The emotion of the day probably put me into a bit off a spin and I now believe I took him up totally wrong. As in when he said he'd love to see me again, I now believe he would love to meet me together with his wife, as friends.

My initial thoughts went on previous experience I guess, where any married man who would be nice and chatty and complimentary to me or my friends were after something.

Big Bag of Chips

Georgie, with every post you are contradicting yourself even more! If yoy just admit you thought he was gorgeous and fancied the pants off him you'd be better off.

If you didn't feel anything for him, other than platonic friendship then you wouldn't keep mentioning how handsome he was. People don't comment on "something brewing between you" if they don't see something happening from both sides!

And then that changed to they only said it because they were all jealous that he spent then evening with you...

Just admit to yourself that you fancy him. If you didn't you wouldn't still be
posting here about whether or not he was flirting or just being "a lovely friend"!

Edit: By the way there's nothing wrong with fancying him - Same as there's nothing wrong with him fancying you. I'm married, not blind! I can still appreciate a very attractive person The problem is when you act on something you know you shouldn't.

LegacyUser

Maybe I am off the mark but it sounds like you aren't used to men chatting to you. sometimes men go for women who can be quite naive rather than women who are more experienced with men. It gave you an ego boast that he was chatting to you as he is very good looking. you also mentioned how other women wished they were chatting to them rather than you. This can be extremely flattering. However this man is married. I personally would be repulsed by a man who was married who was giving me a certain look. Forget this man. it will save you so much hassle in the long term irregardless of his intentions.

Neyite

You sound a tad naive OP. Do you really think that married men on the prowl always hide the fact that they are married, and dont mention wives? Of course they do. Because then, after you begin an affair and when you want it to to progress to something more you get him spreading his hands out with an innocent expression when he says "but honey, you knew I was married from the very start. You knew I couldn't offer you any more than this"

Then you become the unreasonable one, see?

There was a spark between you both. Nothing wrong with that, its acting on that that is wrong.

Chances are its the thrill of the chase for him, knowing that you are not the "type" to go for a married man makes it all the more interesting to him to pursue you, and see how far he can push it before you tell him to push off.

A question for you OP. Did he say he and his wife would like to become friends, or is it just him. If the wife doesn't know, or he has no intention of telling her about his new female friend, you have your answer.

CaraMay

What's he playing at? He's playing at being a wolf in sheep's clothing.

dellas1979

GeorgisMae6 wrote: »

No, it wasn't sexually charged at all on my part.

GeorgisMae6 wrote: »

He was a hot looking guy with a wonderful personality.

Lookit, Im only calling a spade a spade. There had to be something from you too with this "spark" you felt and from what your wrote above. Thats all am saying.

There is nothing wrong to admitting you fancied him!

I just think there is some undertone to your thread (or as some other posters said, maybe naievity?).

But at the end of the day, he's married. So, as you originally asked, no, if you feel that stongly about married men, I dont think it would be good to soley keep in contact with him. It might also keep that little spark/dreaminess going for you.

jdsk2006

Your posts sound like something a teenager would write. Do you struggle with the opposite sex? Is it THAT flattering to you?
You come across as immature, an over - thinker, and you definatly sound like you wouldn't think too long about grabbing a piece of someone else's happiness.

I'm sorry to sound harsh but you really need to work on your self esteem, a confident person wouldn't pass any heed to your insignificant encounter with a married man .....

Weathering

Sounds to me like you want him to fancy you

LegacyUser

Well, as it happens, those of you who replied earlier in the thread seem to have had the right inclination.

When I replied to his email telling him that it would indeed be nice for me and my family to meet him again and his WIFE... I ended up getting no response what so ever. To me this says he had only himself in mind when he said he'd like to catch up again.

That was the whole reason I posted here... I was confused as to what his intentions were. I now know I should have went with my gut feeling that day in that he was looking for something more than us all being friends. I am disappointed that such a lovely guy is yet another dirty rat out for himself. His poor wife.

Thanks everyone who had him sussed!

Big Bag of Chips

As your original question of "What's he playing at?" seems to have been answered for you, we'll lock the thread now.

All the best,
And don't be too disheartened, there are genuine nice guys out there.