Help! Messy drunk friend advice

ahnow

Hi there,I need an outsider's perspective, I'm travelling in SE Asia with one other person at the moment so I dont really have anyone else to discuss this with and I'd like an objective opinion. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable in feeling a little frustrated or not so any opinions would be greatly appreciated.
We're travelling for a few weeks together and I've noticed the last few times we've been on nights out she tends to get quite drunk and messy, and begins acting what I feel like might be a little bit irresponsible. We were at a large party last night and she ended up getting her purse stolen-which unfortunately I am not surprised. At one point she also thought someone had taken her phone, and this morning her passport. But luckily she recovered both. Normally I wouldn't care about these things, stuff can go missing on nights out etc. But she was dancing with unsavoury characters last night and Im nearly positive it was one of them. The party we were at is also notorious for drinks getting spiked, and despite saying it to her she kept leaving hers unattended.
Her cards and purse gone missing now means I'll have to give her hand outs for the rest of the trip with her money transferred into my account-which is what could have been an unnecessary hassle.
I just feel like I've been unwittingly thrown into the role of the nagging mother all of a sudden because I'm worried about how irresponsible on nights out she's getting, it's putting responsibility on me that I don't want, and an uncomfortable position. I don't want to have to mind her on nights out or have to worry about her, but I feel like getting that drunk she's putting herself in a vulnerable position.
Am I being unreasonable-I'm aware there's just the two of us so how I feel might be a little exaggerated?
Any advice how to handle it? Thank you!

ABajaninCork

I think you're right to be concerned. Your friend is acting irresponsibly and is lucky only her money was taken. It could've been a lot worse.

She's lucky to have a friend like you. But she's in danger of pushing it too far. Is there travel insurance in place?

The time has now come for the pair of you to have a serious chat. Don't dress it up, and don't pussy-foot around. Tell her that her selfish and irresponsible behaviour has to stop. It is ruining what should be the trip of a lifetime for you BOTH. You're not her mother and should not be looking after her like a child. There was a recent case in Indonesia where a young girl DIED as a result of drinking hooch labelled as gin. She should be minding her drinks more carefully, and NEVER let her drink leave her hand. If she does, then she should discard it and get another. In fact - stick to bottled drinks only. Less chance of it being spiked. Tell her if she does it again - she's on her own, and MEAN IT!

Maybe I'm old-fashioned. But a woman should NEVER get so drunk that she doesn't know where she is, or what she's doing. Especially in a foreign land. Not only is it unattractive, but it could open you up to all kinds of trouble, as she's already discovering.

Merkin

Tell her if she doesn't cop on to herself you will be forced to part company and carry on the trip separately. Travelling with someone can be a lovely experience but it requires both of you to be mature, have your wits about you and be responsible for our own safety and your own possessions. This girl sounds like a childish liability who needs a chaperone, which is ultimately going to take away from your own experience. I've been around Asia on my own and regardless of where you are and how apparently friendly people are you DO have to exercise caution. I wouldn't pussyfoot around the issue, a stern word is needed.

December2012

I agree with above.

The only thing I will add is that she probably will resent the implication you will make that she cannot look after herself, and she might get the hump.

Be prepared to listen to her side of the story - she may feel you're mammying her, etc.

This may be because you have had time to think about this issue, whereas she will be presented with it immediately and react accordingly.

Just stay calm, don't get personal, state your concerns and how it is affecting you.

Once that happens don't be "minding" her with anything, just let her make her mistakes because you've done what you can.

Who knows, maybe she won't change but will actually be fine given the chance to look after herself.

ted1

ahnow wrote: »

The party we were at is also notorious for drinks getting spiked

Why would you go to such a party?

honestly you need to revalute who who party with.

Systemic Risk

Sorry, not to go off topic but what are ye doing going to parties which are notorious for drink spiking and frequented by unsavoury characters. You seem like someone who would have their wits about them but many of these type of people who rob or god forbid spike drinks are really good at what they do no matter how vigilant you are.

Back on topic. Good luck with your trip OP, it mightnt harm to have a wee chat with your friend before ye go. Let her know that she should be careful over there. If you do it in a friendly advice way she shouldnt get the hump. Explain there are plenty who are watching out for drunk foreigners to prey upon, maybe even have some anecdotes of what you heard happened to others (make some up). Enjoy yourself anyway and dont worry as im sure it will all work out great. Im very jealous of your trip :-)

Neyite

ted1 wrote: »

Why would you go to such a party?

honestly you need to revalute who who party with.

Some of them, such as the Full Moon Party in Thailand are pretty much a rite of passage and almost a "must do" on the list.

If it was such a party, then yes, you do exercise caution in minding your drinks and sticking with your friends, keeping your wits about you. There will be others there that want to get off their head on drugs, and others still who are watching out for those off their heads for their own unsavoury reasons. But if you are mindful, there is no reason that you cant attend and have a good night without something bad happening.

ted1

Neyite wrote: »

Some of them, such as the Full Moon Party in Thailand are pretty much a rite of passage and almost a "must do" on the list.

If it was such a party, then yes, you do exercise caution in minding your drinks and sticking with your friends, keeping your wits about you. There will be others there that want to get off their head on drugs, and others still who are watching out for those off their heads for their own unsavoury reasons. But if you are mindful, there is no reason that you cant attend and have a good night without something bad happening.

I actually misread the OP. I read it as that they hadn't left for their travels and that the parties they were, are parties in Ireland. and she was worried abotu what lay ahead.

Est28

ahnow wrote: »

Hi there,I need an outsider's perspective, I'm travelling in SE Asia with one other person at the moment so I dont really have anyone else to discuss this with and I'd like an objective opinion. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable in feeling a little frustrated or not so any opinions would be greatly appreciated.
We're travelling for a few weeks together and I've noticed the last few times we've been on nights out she tends to get quite drunk and messy, and begins acting what I feel like might be a little bit irresponsible. We were at a large party last night and she ended up getting her purse stolen-which unfortunately I am not surprised. At one point she also thought someone had taken her phone, and this morning her passport. But luckily she recovered both. Normally I wouldn't care about these things, stuff can go missing on nights out etc. But she was dancing with unsavoury characters last night and Im nearly positive it was one of them. The party we were at is also notorious for drinks getting spiked, and despite saying it to her she kept leaving hers unattended.
Her cards and purse gone missing now means I'll have to give her hand outs for the rest of the trip with her money transferred into my account-which is what could have been an unnecessary hassle.
I just feel like I've been unwittingly thrown into the role of the nagging mother all of a sudden because I'm worried about how irresponsible on nights out she's getting, it's putting responsibility on me that I don't want, and an uncomfortable position. I don't want to have to mind her on nights out or have to worry about her, but I feel like getting that drunk she's putting herself in a vulnerable position.
Am I being unreasonable-I'm aware there's just the two of us so how I feel might be a little exaggerated?
Any advice how to handle it? Thank you!

Can I interject for one second before offering advice on the travelling and just say this:

If she's known to get messy, there is a good chance that she is getting out of it on alcohol. It's not right to say all these guys are spiking her drinks if they are not.

Same goes for things being "stolen". It's clear she lost track of where things were because she was wasted so again, can we just stop using excuses like theft and drink spking and blaming guys around her unless we actually KNOW that is true. Stop blaming guys for EVERYTHING and take RESPONSIBILITY.

So here you have two options... her drinks were spiked and her things were stolen by these people. If this is true then if you're going somewhere else, then these guys won't be there to spike her drinks and she'll be just fine.

BUT... as I suspect... it's NOT the guys fault but her own for being irresponsible and drinking too much by her own accord. In that case, make it clear to her it's not your responsbility. Simple.

ahnow

Thank you for the advice folks, I just needed to figure out how to handle it. Could you lock this thread now? Thanks again!