Brother wants to be best man But I am at sister wedding! Need advice BADLY!

LegacyUser

I am nearly 21. My sister is 30 her future husband is 34 and my brother is almost 32. I have always gotten on very well with my sister especially as I entered my teens. We always got on very well. even before that. Our relationship with our brother was never great but we always got along. He lives a good bit away from home and has a good job. He takes life very seriously whilst we would be more relaxed. I am still studying at college and my sister has completed two degrees and is in a very well paid job as well. So it not like we're not as educated as him but we are different people my brother won't associate with people from certain areas and he always looks down on people over little issues and his main interests are politics and current affairs. Whilst myself and my sister would be interested in movies, tv, sport. My brother always goes mad at this. He often tells my sister that she shouldn't be reading certain newspapers as there not proper and she should be reading papers mainly about politics. Even when I went to college at the beginning a couple of years ago. I went on a class night out to a club and he rang be raging on the phone wanting to know what was I doing in a nightclub when I had college in the morning. He then rang my mother want to know would he retrieve me but she stuck up for me because she knew I was sensible and I wouldn't do anything stupid. After that I stopped him from seeing my facebook activity.
Besides this we know he's our brother and we love but we just have different interests.

Well back on topic I met my sisters boyfriend a couple of years ago and we got on very well. We liked mainly the same stuff and we got along very well. My brother met him a few weeks later and they didn't get along as well. My brother rang my sister that night and said she should break up with him straight way because of where he came from and the fact her work colleagues would look down on him for working in a trade. My sister ignored this and they continued seeing one another and I still get along with him. Now he was always nice to my brother but my brother didn't approve of this guys job, car, clothes, interests and he let nearly everybody know it as well. Now the guy always tried with my brother and was never rude to him.
He asked my sister to marry him a couple of months ago and she said yes. My brother wasn't to happy. The guy asked me to be best man because he has no siblings and we got on well. When my brother heard this he said he wanted to be best man and he was entitled because he was the eldest. He also said I was to young and couldn't cope with the task. He then said that he wasn't asked because he's gay. (No one in our family has never being homophobic to my brother). He also said it would look mad on the alter with me being so young and him being the perfect choice.

The wedding is in a couple of months so I booked the stag. I invited his friends and a few cousins as well as my brother because if he wasn't he said he would say he was left out. I know the guy likes cars. So I booked a couple of hours at a race track driving fast cars. I also booked a trip at this adventure centre. In the evening I picked a night club to go to. Just a normal late bar/club with no strippers because non of us would be into that.
My sister knew most of the details and we decided to keep it a surprise for him because I did put a of work into it. So I just made sure everyone was able come and that it was a surprise. When I told my brother he hit the roof and said that It was totally the wrong way for guys to be acting. I asked him for suggestions then and he said that a proper stag should be held in a five star hotel and you basically go for a meal and go to the leisure centre. I know the guy pretty well and he would not like it. It would make him uncomfortable and he wouldn't enjoy it. I just said to my bro that I don't think that would he would like to do that. His response was 'You'd expect that from his kind'
I told my brother he could come if wanted and we could chat if he had another idea. Now this is where I got annoyed with him he rang the guy and told him the plan for the day. The guy was but it wasn't a surprise anymore. I then noticed I needed to invite one other person to the stag so I rand the race track just to add another person to our booking. They told me it had being cancelled. The same thing happened with the adventure centre. I rebooked them again just saying somebody made mistake. I rang my brother and he admitted it. He said he wanted everyone to get together on the day and for use to go to a country house hotel. I just said that this was not happening. I have made sure that the places I've booked cant be un booked without them ringing me first. Now my sister know this and she's really annoyed with him as am I.
He really think he's right about everything. My sister booked the venue in a local hotel. The food is nice/staff are friendly/nice grounds for photos and most of the guests are people from the area. This saves them from staying overnight. Everyone is happy. My mother/father was delighted with the choice of venue as was all our family. When he heard it he said the place was a kip and that someone in her profession should be looking at better quality establishments.

Any advice on what we/I should do?

mud

To be honest, at the start I thought he was just rising you and looking for notice but as I read on and understood the lengths he went to in order to manipulate and control the stag I actually fear for his mental health. Has he always been a bully?

I don't think being driven at work is any excuse for such appalling behaviour. He may think that he can barge into any situation and just take over but in reality he's being a selfish so and so.

I think you are a saint for even considering letting him attend the stag after he tried to ruin the night. I wouldn't be surprised if your sister flipped and banned him from the wedding.

You clearly want to find a solution, and again, I have much admiration for your self-restraint. You can either just get on with things and hope that he doesn't try to wreck any more buzzes or communicate strongly that his behaviour is cat and needs to stop immediately.

I think it's ace that your prospective bruv-in-law wants you to stand beside him and support him. I can't get over the gall of yer man expecting to just be allowed take on such a special role.

What do your folks think of all of this? Do they know the extent of his maliciousness?

Czarcasm

Well done first anyway on doing a stellar job as best man. I can see easily why your sister's boyfriend asked you to be best man. I know I wouldn't have thought of half that stuff, and at 20 years of age? I'm struggling to get my head around the fact that it's not you is the self absorbed, entitled, immature idiot at all, but your 32 year old brother!

He could do with getting over himself, seriously, he's like a parody, and if he wasn't such a nuisance he should be seen as such. You, your family, and your brother in law tolerate his behaviour far too much, and I'm glad he was kicked into touch by someone outside your immediate family.

He's probably been behaving like an idiot so long now he doesn't know any better, so instead of booking any entertainment for the reception, I'd just have him stand up and let him do his thing. He'll have them rolling in the aisles. I know I would be anyway!

There's no need to entertain him or play into his "I'm a victim because I'm so much better than they are" mentality. Let him come to the wedding, and let everyone see what a fool he's making of himself. They won't entertain him either, but I doubt he'll take much notice of anyone's opinion but his own.

tinkerbell

OP, I dunno how you put up with his crap. If it were me, I would just uninvite your brother from the stag at this stage. Your brother is deluded. Just because he is your brother, doesn't excuse him from this behaviour, you wouldn't put up with that from a friend, why should you put up just because he is your brother? I'd probably involve your parents at this stage.

For too long, the family has been pussy-footing around your brother. Time for you to actually tell him straight up what kind of a person he is like, since he is so quick to tell everyone else how poorly he views them.

December2012

I think you should talk this over with your parents - it sounds like your brother has some serious emotional issues if he needs to control everything so much.

Mighty_Mouse

It seems to me you have a quite decent relationship with him, considering his antics.

For your sisters sake you need to intervene. You need to talk with him.
He needs to truly accept and comprehend how is behaviour is impacting on the family.

Instead of giving him a lecture I would ask him some hard questions:
Ask him to explain his recent behaviour.
Does he think his actions are normal and sane?
Does he understand how his behaviour is offending the people who care about him?
How can he justify cancelling another persons stag plans?
Does he understand that just as your brother-in-law has respected him, he should do likewise.
Also point out irony of him playing the discrimination card in the light of his attitude to his future brother-in-law.

He needs to understand he is wearing everybody down.
He is in danger of ruining his own sisters wedding.

If I had organised an awesome stag party for my brother in law and then had someone go around cancelling all the plans without telling me, I'd flip.

It's great that you're able to stay relatively calm throughout all this, it's a really healthy way to be. But it's not going to help your brother - he needs to understand how out of order his behaviour is. It seems like he just never sees the consequences of his actions.

I would sit him down and explain to him why his behaviour is unacceptable. Surely he's had problems with personal relationships if he's always acting like this? He's being incredibly ignorant, hypocritical and egotistical, not to mention having no concept of boundaries. He probably wont take it well, but I think that as his brother it would harm your relationship more to let things go on like this with nothing said.

Big Bag of Chips

For too long your fmaily have "humoured" your brother. I'm guessing he has always been "the boss". He's the big brother.

But the longer you say nothing, the worse he is going to get.

You should tell him if he is so offended by the stag-night that he shouldn't go. Tell him you don't mind if he tells people he was left out (I'm sure people know what he's like, and would be more likely to believe that his not being there is more to do with him than you)

It can be difficult standing up to an older sibling, especially when the dynamic of your entire relationship has been that you've been "the kid". But you are now entering adulthood. Your future brother-in-law has trusted you to be mature enough to be his bestman. Your next step is showing your brother you are capable of living your own life, and he doesn't get a say in it.

Good Luck to you - I sense a huge fallout is on the way.

denhaagenite

Second the poster that says your parents need to be involved in this. Your patience is commendable, if it was my sibling behaving like such an ignorant snob I would be absolutely fuming.

He needs to be sat down and informed by the family:

a) You have been asked to be best man as your are close to your future brother in law and that is his choice to make.
b) The stag do is to suit the groom, if your brother would rather not go that's his choice to make.
c) The wedding venue is up to your sister and her fiancé, your brother has no choice in this matter whatsoever- please see point b.

YumCha

OP fair play to you - you sound like an awesome best man!

Sadly I think the time for talking is pretty much over, but at the same time I think it's probably worth one last sitdown with himself, yourself, your sister and her fiance... that way he can't claim that he knows better for someone who isn't there.

It's kind of like an intervention in a way - and if you've seen that show I'd almost approach it similarly - decide in advance what you all want to say to him, what you'd like to see happen, and what actions your sister and fiance are going to take if he continues to be disruptive.

On that last point - you really do need to start thinking about actions - because at the moment his bad behaviour is basically carrying no consequences. He's not very nice or considerate of you or your sister or her wedding, so I don't see why you have to keep trying to pacify him.

I'm not sure if bringing in your parents right now is a good idea - could actually be counterintuitive if they have excused his behaviour in the past, and you guys need to be a united front right now. Also consider talking to a counsellor - they can give you some good strategies which unlike mine probably don't come off a tv show!

Good luck

ABajaninCork

December2012 wrote: »

I think you should talk this over with your parents - it sounds like your brother has some serious emotional issues if he needs to control everything so much.

I would go further and say your brother is stark, staring mad! And a pretentious snob to boot. He needs help. Fast.

What do your parents say? Can they have a word with him??

Of course - if he would like a 'classier' venue, then your family should tell him to choose the venue and pay for the reception himself. See how quiet he goes then.

Degringola

OP, be careful he doesn't try and cancel the wedding venue. Put controls in place.

Tramps Like Us

I have an older brother who can be a little bit like that (no where near as bad, he'd just give out/moan, not go to those lengths). You have to set boundaries. I'd tell your brother to go fcuk himself and to know his place. You can't give these people an inch.

kylith

Someone needs to have a word with him, though I'd imagine he only hears what he wants to hear. His behaviour is that of a 6 year old, not a man in his 30s. Imagine, if you hadn't rung to add someone to your booking you'd never have known about it until you showed up on the day. You cannot go on allowing him to think that his behaviour is acceptable. Does he take notice of your parents at all? If so surely they could tell him to butt out.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here again!
Thanks for the replies. I know I might have sounded a but dramatic in the first post but this is a real problem for us.
I have told him that the stag plans aren't going to change no matter how much he doesn't want it to happen. My brother is a pioneer so this might have being a factor. But he was told that he wouldn't have to drink.
My parents did talk to him but he didn't really listen to them. He really likes being in charge. This might because of his job. He is on almost 100k a year and has a nice house/car. No body begrudges him any of these things but he doesn't like to associate with people who he feels that are below him.
He was invited to the stag because first of all we would have no problem with him being their and also if he wasn't he would have really got the hump over it. Now I know the activities that are planned mightn't be to his taste but its not his stag. Everyone else is happy with it.
It not just the stag tough he isn't happy with any of the decisions that were made for the wedding that he has being told about.
Everybody has talked to him and we don't want to have a huge falling out with him but its hard to cope with him. If we did un-invite him to the wedding he would say he wasn't asked because we were being homophobic and he could try and pull a stunt on the day to cause trouble. The thing about him is very few people knows what he can be really like he come across as a perfect guy.

LegacyUser

Your brother sounds like an idiot who is a bully. Your lucky that your sister sounds like a nice normal person.

I would get your, your sister, her boyfriend and your parents to do the following.
You all need to tell him the venue will not be changed to suit him.
I would also tell him that due to numbers he will only be able to bring one guest.
I tell him if he does anything else in regards to the wedding he will not be attending as he is not going to ruin the day for the rest of you.

Also to get him back for the way he has been acting get your sister to do a table plan for the guests. Put your brother on the table with the children/old relatives or the some of the locals he can't stand. Better still put him on a table with a local woman who remembers him as a child and who can put him in his place when he starts to act up.
At this stage your brother needs to be told that the family are no longer going to put up with his actions.

kbell

Also, print this thread off and hand it to him.

yaya*

You all must have the patience of saints to be putting up with this nonsense from a grown man.

I notice you mentioned a few times that your main reason for not refusing to invite him to the stag/ wedding is that he will tell people it's for homophobic reasons - if I were in your shoes and my brother told people that was the reason he wasn't included, I would have no hesitation in listing off a few of the real reasons- I mean, cancelling someone else's stag events because you don't want to do that activity is not normal and enough grounds, IMO, to disinvite a person.

Good luck-sounds like a great stag and I hope the wedding day goes well!

feargale

For once I cannot find a single post on a thread that I disagree with. How hypocritical to demand to be bestman at a wedding of " his kind " as he so boorishly described your future brother-in-law. J I would suspect so. He appears to be such a selfish, obnoxious bully that the only way you can ensure that your wishes are respected is by sending a solicitor's letter. You say he doesn't listen, but he would be very foolish not to read. A letter will enable the solicitor to set out his ridiculous behaviour in very clear language. And you could threaten to sue him for the price of the wedding and more if he doesn't back off.

XMASSmrstobe

Hi OP,

I'm planning a wedding at the mo and understand that a lot of people want to be involved and everyone has their opinion. BUT at the end of the day, the day is about the bride and groom, what they have picked and is happy with.

To me, although the solution is difficult, its also simple. Your brother needs to learn that the day is about his sister and her wants. If he feels that is beneath or not good enough for her - it doesn't matter. Furthermore, relationships are frequently about compromise, your sister is funding the day (presumably) and is trying to do something that the majority of guests will enjoy.

Has anyone tried to turn the situation around, to ask if he was getting married and you were planning his stag - would he like it if you planned an event that suited your needs, not his. I.e. If he ended up on an adventure course, in a midlands B&B, with a ten pub pub crawl and costumes from the two euro shop! Would he be happy? No.

May be reassure him that if it was him you were planning for it would be different. Highlight that what he likes is different not better, and again emphasize that the plans are not changing.

Could your sister make a wedding website or something where all the guests could know the venue and date etc. therefore couldn't be changed? If his main worry is 'what other people think' could a scenario be set up whereby he if was to interfere and alter anything that it would be v. embarrassing for him.

Well done by the way, think your plans sound great and from what you've described you have the patience of a saint

Mayboy

Hi, I've nothing to add to any of the other posters except to say you are a very sane - respectful and logical guy. Your brother has significant issues and should be directed to seek professional help.

I think you are doing a super job - I'd have hit the roof.

bestman1212

bestman1212 wrote: »

He lives a good bit away from home

bestman121212 wrote: »

he isn't happy with any of the decisions that were made for the wedding that he has being told about

At the very least, DON'T tell him anything else about the wedding, exclude him as much as you possibly can from any discussion about the arrangements.

bestman121212 wrote: »

If we did un-invite him to the wedding he would say he wasn't asked because we were being homophobic and he could try and pull a stunt on the day to cause trouble

He appears to be a horrible person and you and your family have done your best to give him the benefit of the doubt so far and he has done nothing but throw it back in your face.

As much as he doesn't deserve to be anywhere near the wedding, it may be the best solution to leave the invitation standing and hope that there'll be safety in numbers on the big day.

Sleepy

bestman121212 wrote: »

He was invited to the stag because first of all we would have no problem with him being their and also if he wasn't he would have really got the hump over it

Here's the problem OP. You need to let him get the hump over things when he's wrong. He's behaving like a toddler who wants sweets before their dinner time and the rest of ye are like the crap parents who give them to him to avoid the tantrum.

Queen-Mise

bestman121212 wrote: »

Hi OP here again!
Thanks for the replies. I know I might have sounded a but dramatic in the first post but this is a real problem for us.

Just to highlight something else OP.

The bestman and chief bridesmaid at the wedding are usually the first child's god parents.
What is your brother's reaction going to be, if you are asked to be a godfather first over your brother? He will go bananas. [This is presuming they will be kids:)].

Not really sure what to suggest for the current situation - maybe pull him up on his bossiness, nothing to be done about the snobbery.

I think it should be your sister that talks to him as it is her wedding. TBH what he think doesn't matter a fcuk - it is her wedding day not his.

implausible

OP, we all know people who are awkward, people who are snobs, who poke their nose in and who like to be in control, but to hear that someone cancelled his future brother-in-law's stag because he didn't like it smacks of mental illness.

He cannot be happy in his own life if he is so hell-bent on controlling and disrupting others' lives.

1979Bob

First thing your brother is a fool. And you need to tell him before he does anything else.
About the stag that sounds like a really good stag party. Don't change it, you will enjoy it and more importantly the groom (whos opinion is the only one that matters) will too.
Since when did the groom not get to choose his bestman?
Long term your brother needs to be dealt with. Playing the gay card, and I would suspect its not the first time, he should be shot. I have followed the rule when anyone plays that (or the racist, sexist, whatever-ist when it clearly isn't) is to ignore anything they say after. One day he will get hit and beaten not because he is gay but because he is an a hole and a drama queen.
Maybe he isn't but that how he comes across.

Ask yourself why is he doing all this? Who is he trying to impress?
A country house hotel, for a stag? Really?
Anyway your brother really needs to be told in no uncertain terms its not his wedding and to stay out of it.

You are 21 now a long way from a child, and the older you get the smaller the gap in life experience between you and your brother will get. Make your stand now, before the wedding gets too close.
It is not about disrespecting him it is about him respecting you.
You don't have to make a scene.
Never underestimate the effect of a well timed and calm "why don't you just fcuk off"

Starokan

God what a nightmare

We can love our family while acknowledging that some of them are dicks

Your brother is acting like a total ass

Ignore, hold the stag as is and enjoy the wedding, if he wants to create a load of drama let him on

Taltos

MagicMarker / suicide_crcus - if you have no advice please don't post. Offering diagnoses or pot shots isn't considered advice and is a breach of our charter.

mashedbanana

It sounds as if your brother has been allowed too much of his own way for far too long. He also seems to have a massive chip on his shoulder, and using his sexuality as an excuse! Maybe HE himself has a problem with him being gay. It happens!

Cancelling the stag, to get his own way, is jealousy on a whole new level. It's a spiteful, vindictive move. I'd be very surprised if he should even be at the wedding, as he doesn't agree with your sisters choice of fella.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work hell bent on causing trouble, and ruining everything, including the wedding day. What else will he cancel I wonder?

He is an attention seeking trouble maker, and I'd keep a very close eye on him. The idea for best man, is to have the absolute best man for the job, and HE is not it. Be mindful of what arrangements ye discuss infront of him. Be careful of what information can travel back to him to do with the wedding. Seems like he will use what ever info he has to wreck the day. that is the best advice I can give to you.

mashedbanana

Also, There isn't a whole pile that the parents can do really. The brother is 32, and adult. By all means OP let the parents know whats going on, to keep them in the loop. But I can't see your mam & dad having much control over his actions, not at 32. Mind you, he might play nice in front of them, and be very nasty when they aren't around. Further adding to your frustration. Something along the lines of 'Why did you tell mam & dad for?' 'Right, then, game on'.

(tread carefully)

Ave Sodalis

Oof, OP, it sounds like your brother is extremely manipulative and self indulged with a huge amount of issues to try and be that controlling.
Firstly, you've got to stop caring what other think. He may go off on an "it's because I'm gay, isn't it" rampage but just ignore him. If others think he's perfect, then let them. You know he's not.
Until he gets his issues sorted, he's toxic. He needs to be put back in his place and to learn what will be tolerated. I know a few gay people who would quite happily give him an earful for using his sexuality as an excuse to be a prick. I don't think it's down to you to put him in his place. At least, not you entirely. I think you've enough on your plate and are doing well enough not to lose it completely with him. Maybe have someone sit down with him and ask him what his problem is and why he feels he needs to not only voice his opinion unduly, but also take action unfairly. If he's doing it just because he can or because he likes being like that (I doubt he'd admit that though), then perhaps think about distancing yourself from him. He doesn't seem like a healthy person to be around. Also, as said above, perhaps exclude him from knowledge of any further wedding plans.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here again,
Thanks for the advise.
I was very busy at the weekend and didn't get a chance to reply.
We have told my brother the weeding plans are not going to change and he can't change them. He says that he should be consulted because he is the brother of the bride and the ideal best man. He says he knows how a weeding should be planned and that the job that has being done isn't proper. He has issues with almost everything that that being planned.
He is after ringing aunts/older relatives to issue his concerns about the wedding mainly complaining about the guy saying that he isn't good enough. He is doing his best to try and turn people against the guy. The thing is my brother is very respected/people think a lot of him and he'd have a good chance of turning people.

December2012

You might find that he wears people down and they might not agree with him, but rather give him a "that's nice dear" response.

How is your sister handling this?

implausible

bestman121212 wrote: »

He is after ringing aunts/older relatives to issue his concerns about the wedding mainly complaining about the guy saying that he isn't good enough. He is doing his best to try and turn people against the guy. The thing is my brother is very respected/people think a lot of him and he'd have a good chance of turning people.

And your sister is still allowing him to go to her wedding? How dare he do that! He's trying to undermine your sister's relationship, he has no place at the wedding.

Surely your relatives know what he's like? If they don't, it's because the rest of you have done too good a job of covering for him. That needs to stop.

Taltos

Afraid to say your sister has to ring him and tell him in no uncertain terms that either he back off or his invite is withdrawn.
She doesn't need this stress but she or someone has to put their foot down. This guys behaviour is only going to get worse until he is pulled to task on it and I mean relentlessly.

Personally I would call him calmly and ask him to seek immediate medical attention as clearly he needs more help than you or the family can give him. Not kidding here - something is not right there at all.

ABajaninCork

bestman121212 wrote: »

Hi OP here again,
Thanks for the advise.
I was very busy at the weekend and didn't get a chance to reply.
We have told my brother the weeding plans are not going to change and he can't change them. He says that he should be consulted because he is the brother of the bride and the ideal best man. He says he knows how a weeding should be planned and that the job that has being done isn't proper. He has issues with almost everything that that being planned.
He is after ringing aunts/older relatives to issue his concerns about the wedding mainly complaining about the guy saying that he isn't good enough. He is doing his best to try and turn people against the guy. The thing is my brother is very respected/people think a lot of him and he'd have a good chance of turning people.

Oh dear. He really IS deluded!! Your sis should tell him the following:

1. It is HER wedding. Presumably she and her BG are paying for it. Tell him to either pony up with the dosh to do the wedding his way or STFU.

2. Since when does the bride's brother involve himself with the arrangements, especially since your parents are still alive?

3. Oh. And he's not the 'best man' for the best man role. YOU are! (and by the sound of it, doing a blinding job). Sad little man...

Keep calm and carry on.

dudara

I'm having a hard time believing that someone like this exists. Why? Because people like this pretty much don't exist. That should give you an idea of how unconventional his behaviour is.

You (you, your sister, her fiance and your brother) are all adults, so you should all have an adult conversation. Don't get the parents or other relatives involved. Just you lot.

December2012

Taltos wrote: »

Afraid to say your sister has to ring him and tell him in no uncertain terms that either he back off or his invite is withdrawn.
She doesn't need this stress but she or someone has to put their foot down. This guys behaviour is only going to get worse until he is pulled to task on it and I mean relentlessly.

Personally I would call him calmly and ask him to seek immediate medical attention as clearly he needs more help than you or the family can give him. Not kidding here - something is not right there at all.

Completely agree with this - he needs to see a dr. This could be a serious mental health issue.

LegacyUser

Thanks once again.
My brother has always being very controlling tbh. When I was in 6th class and deciding on a secondary he basically forced me to go to the one he went to. Even tough I didn't want to and I lost contact with a lot of my friends. He also did everything to stop me associating with people who he felt wasn't good enough I stand up for myself a lot more now tough.
The thing is tough he is really respected by people in our area. He is on various committees/organisation. This on top of his job. People are always telling my parents. They must be so proud of him and they want to know there secret to raising such a good son.
If he was uninvited to the wedding he would try and cause a major rift between family members about him not being invited.
One thing I do know is he always dreamed of this perfect white wedding and having kids when e was younger. So, is their any chance he might be slightly jealous of what my sister is doing this.

ABajaninCork

bestman121212 wrote: »

Thanks once again.
My brother has always being very controlling tbh. When I was in 6th class and deciding on a secondary he basically forced me to go to the one he went to. Even tough I didn't want to and I lost contact with a lot of my friends. He also did everything to stop me associating with people who he felt wasn't good enough I stand up for myself a lot more now tough.
The thing is tough he is really respected by people in our area. He is on various committees/organisation. This on top of his job. People are always telling my parents. They must be so proud of him and they want to know there secret to raising such a good son.
If he was uninvited to the wedding he would try and cause a major rift between family members about him not being invited.
One thing I do know is he always dreamed of this perfect white wedding and having kids when e was younger. So, is their any chance he might be slightly jealous of what my sister is doing this.

I think so. As well as having a couple of screws loose...

CaraMay

You really need to grow a pair and tell him to have manners. He is obnoxious and so rude. He is more despicable than those people he looks down on. Tell him to get lost and quit being so passive about his apalling manners.

deisemum

CaraMay wrote: »

You really need to grow a pair and tell him to have manners. He is obnoxious and so rude. He is more despicable than those people he looks down on. Tell him to get lost and quit being so passive about his apalling manners.

Completely agree with this.

He's only doing what he's been let get away with over the years so he'll keep doing what's worked for him so far.

As for being on various committees/organisations so what it doesn't make him a better person and one thing I've noticed over the years is that a lot of people don't really have much time for those who are on a lot of committees etc because they often see them as controlling and/or nosy gossips stuck in everything. They actually put other people off joining and getting involved.

Your sister with your support need to have very strong words with him, present a united front and don't let him away with anything.

Ken.

I pity the op when he gets married. Guess who he'll be forced into excepting as bestman?.

LegacyUser

Everybody has told my brother to stop interfering but wedding/plans.
I think my sister is afraid that if he does get un invited he could do something bad on the day. He is a Eucharistic minister(gives out communion) he mainly does this away from home but he started in our local town. He is very good friends with the local priest(who is saying the wedding).He has being driving down the country every Sunday now to do this recently and then he goes out for dinner with the priest. She is worried that he could be making up loads of lies to try and put the priest off her and her partner.

tinkerbell

bestman121212 wrote: »

Everybody has told my brother to stop interfering but wedding/plans.
I think my sister is afraid that if he does get un invited he could do something bad on the day. He is a Eucharistic minister(gives out communion) he mainly does this away from home but he started in our local town. He is very good friends with the local priest(who is saying the wedding).He has being driving down the country every Sunday now to do this recently and then he goes out for dinner with the priest. She is worried that he could be making up loads of lies to try and put the priest off her and her partner.

Seriously OP, you and your sister both need to cop onto yourselves and stand up to your idiot brother. Enough of the "woe is me, we can't do anything about it" rubbish. And sorry if you find this harsh but by standing back and allowing him to keep this up, you are enabling him. Either you stand up to him once and for all, or you just let him do whatever he wants and stop moaning about it. It's just excuse after excuse so I can see why your brother has gotten away with it for so long. Who cares what he says to the priest? The priest will talk to your sister about it. Stand up to your brother. He's not this God that is untouchable and you can't tell him what you really think of him.

You need to take action here and tell him in no uncertain terms what kind of a horrible person he is and unless he changes his ways, that nobody will want to have anything to do with him. There is no way I would put up with that kind of crap from anybody. Your sister needs to do the same. Keep letting him get away with this bad behaviour and nothin will ever change. You'll be on here in a few years giving out about him again if your sister has children and wants you as the godfather. He is ruining the planning of your sister's wedding, the biggest day of her life, you both need to stop letting him do that.

And if he is ringing around neighbours / family, etc spreading lies, those people will say something to you and you can set them straight. You can just tell them how it is and your brother will be the only one coming off bad.

Faith

tinkerbell wrote: »

Seriously OP, you and your sister both need to cop onto yourselves and stand up to your idiot brother. Enough of the "woe is me, we can't do anything about it" rubbish. And sorry if you find this harsh but by standing back and allowing him to keep this up, you are enabling him. Either you stand up to him once and for all, or you just let him do whatever he wants and stop moaning about it. It's just excuse after excuse so I can see why your brother has gotten away with it for so long. Who cares what he says to the priest? The priest will talk to your sister about it. Stand up to your brother. He's not this God that is untouchable and you can't tell him what you really think of him.

You need to take action here and tell him in no uncertain terms what kind of a horrible person he is and unless he changes his ways, that nobody will want to have anything to do with him. There is no way I would put up with that kind of crap from anybody. Your sister needs to do the same. Keep letting him get away with this bad behaviour and nothin will ever change. You'll be on here in a few years giving out about him again if your sister has children and wants you as the godfather. He is ruining the planning of your sister's wedding, the biggest day of her life, you both need to stop letting him do that.

And if he is ringing around neighbours / family, etc spreading lies, those people will say something to you and you can set them straight. You can just tell them how it is and your brother will be the only one coming off bad.

+1

You're moaning and complaining about your brother, but you don't seem to be prepared to do anything. You've been given a lot of great advice on this thread so follow it. Otherwise, nothing will ever change.

P. Breathnach

Who appoints the best man? It's the groom's prerogative (although a considerate groom would want to be sure that his bride is happy with the choice).

To my mind, it falls to the groom (rather than OP, his sister, or their parents) to tell this guy to back off.

Taltos

OP, having repeatedly advised that you as a family need to tackle this head on at this point the advice is repeating itself.
As such we are closing this thread.