I can't seem to shake the feeling that my ex was the one

LegacyUser

I was in a relationship for a year which ended about 8 months ago. It was bad timing more than anything as a lot of stuff happened. We're not kids, I'm in my 30s and he's in his 40s.

We've both been in relationships before although this relationship was his first serious relationship in a few years.

As things got more serious between us he began freaking out. I was going through some personal stuff at the time and I didn't react very well to his fears. In short, I ended it because he couldn't decide what he wanted. This all took place very quickly, from things being great to being over in the space of about 3 weeks.

We've stayed on good terms although we aren't in constant contact and would go a few weeks at a time without seeing or speaking to each other. I've been dating other people although nothing has happened with anyone else other than one kiss with a guy and as soon as it happened all I could think about was my ex.

Every date I go on makes me think of him. Things that a date will say or do will annoy me but when my ex did the same I found it endearing. Maybe I just haven't met the right person yet.

But another part of me thinks that he is the one. That we are meant to be together and that the problem was timing as opposed to the relationship. We were very mismatched but it worked well. Beyond well.

I'm getting on with things and moving on with my life. I've no intention of trying to get him back. But still I just can't shake the feeling that it's meant to be. We're right for each other.

How on earth do you get rid of that feeling? This isn't the movies, it's real life and while this might make a very endearing romcom, I know that it's unlikely I'll get the movie ending.

It's at the stage now where we've been apart nearly as long as we were together. But I still think of him every day and I still love him as much as I ever did.

Mighty_Mouse

It sounds to me like you have not properly put the previous relationship behind you. It's probably to do with the fact that you feel you ended it prematurely.

imo you need closure.
You need to know whether or not things could work out with your ex.
For this, you are probably going to need to have "a talk" with the ex.
You need to know if he still thinks about you and would he be willing to give it another shot.

My advice would be to ask him straight. It's the only way you will get the answers you need.
That way you can move on in peace you did what you could to make it work.

mashedbanana

I'm with mighty mouse on this. Closure, you really need it. You need to put it to bed. Have chat with him, you'll know then, by your gut instinct if there is more to it. You'll be forever left wondering, unless you talk.

LegacyUser

I did talk to him after we split and he was very much of the opinion that it had all moved too fast for him. He says he still has feelings for me and that he cares about me, I made him happy etc. But that he just can't seem to handle being in a serious relationship.

He had been thinking about marriage and proposing to me and it freaked him out.

So while there is still some feeling there on both sides, at the moment a relationship won't work. He says maybe at some point in the future we will work it out but right now it's not what he wants.

I know it sounds like a line but I do believe him. However, that doesn't help me because baseline is that he doesn't want a relationship so that should be all the closure I need. And yet I can't move on.

tinkerbell

Anonogirl wrote: »

I did talk to him after we split and he was very much of the opinion that it had all moved too fast for him. He says he still has feelings for me and that he cares about me, I made him happy etc. But that he just can't seem to handle being in a serious relationship.

He had been thinking about marriage and proposing to me and it freaked him out.

So while there is still some feeling there on both sides, at the moment a relationship won't work. He says maybe at some point in the future we will work it out but right now it's not what he wants.

I know it sounds like a line but I do believe him. However, that doesn't help me because baseline is that he doesn't want a relationship so that should be all the closure I need. And yet I can't move on.

OP, that's the oldest line in the book and you've fallen for it. He's taking the cowardly approach and instead of telling you that he is not interested in being in a relationship with you anymore, he says that right now the timing doesn't suit but maybe in the future. That's to keep you hanging on so that you're his backup plan. It's nothing to do with "not being able to handle being in a serious relationship". It's about him not wanting you anymore. If he truly wanted to be with you, he'd be trying to get back with you, not ending it.

LegacyUser

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, that's the oldest line in the book and you've fallen for it. He's taking the cowardly approach and instead of telling you that he is not interested in being in a relationship with you anymore, he says that right now the timing doesn't suit but maybe in the future. That's to keep you hanging on so that you're his backup plan. It's nothing to do with "not being able to handle being in a serious relationship". It's about him not wanting you anymore. If he truly wanted to be with you, he'd be trying to get back with you, not ending it.

Regardless of if it's a line or not, (and I don't believe it is - if I explained more then it would make more sense but I want to stay anonymous) anyway, regardless of that, I'm not looking to know if it's a line or not.
I was advised to talk to him and get closure. I was explaining I have done that and it didn't get me any closure. So what now?

Whether it's a line, whether I believe it or not, whether it's true or false, I am handling this breakup the same way as I have handled past breakups. I'm staying busy, dating, going out with friends. We have little or no contact. I don't text or call him unless he contacts me first, I try not to talk to friends about him....I'm doing everything I can to get over him.

And it's not working. It's been an age now and there's still a part of me that can't move on from him despite my best efforts.

heretochat

Something here I don't get - the thought of asking you to marry him freaked him out...

Not married myself and not near that point either but I would think if you loved someone that much the thought of asking them to marry you might bring emotions like fear (will she say yes), anticipation (I can't wait to be engaged to this lovely woman) and joy (We are going to be so happy together)..

What the OP has highlighted in my opinion is someone who had no intention of making that commitment.. He has ran away and is feeding a line.. That is only my opinion..

OP claims to have moved on with dating etc. but it is quite clear that she hasn't moved on at all..

In my opinion the chap has made it quite clear that the OP was not the "one" for him.. NO amount of talking to him will make that any clearer.

I think the OP would be best TRULY moving on with her life and accepting that her ex was never that serious about her

LegacyUser

heretochat wrote: »

Something here I don't get - the thought of asking you to marry him freaked him out...

Not married myself and not near that point either but I would think if you loved someone that much the thought of asking them to marry you might bring emotions like fear (will she say yes), anticipation (I can't wait to be engaged to this lovely woman) and joy (We are going to be so happy together)..

What the OP has highlighted in my opinion is someone who had no intention of making that commitment.. He has ran away and is feeding a line.. That is only my opinion..

OP claims to have moved on with dating etc. but it is quite clear that she hasn't moved on at all..

In my opinion the chap has made it quite clear that the OP was not the "one" for him.. NO amount of talking to him will make that any clearer.

I think the OP would be best TRULY moving on with her life and accepting that her ex was never that serious about her

To clarify, I'm not looking to dissect the relationship. I tried figuring it out when we split up and it makes no sense to me. I'm not interested in having what we meant to each other torn assunder or looking to be told I didn't know what we meant to each other.
I respect that some people may think I'm deluded or kidding myself but I was there, I know him and I know what we had. I can't give more info without identifying myself so I'd ask that people just take me at my word that he is a genuine person who had a genuine reason to panic over the relationship and the future we might have together.

What I want is advice on how to move on. I've accepted it's over and I'm doing my best but I'm not going to start thinking ill of him or the relationship just for the sake of moving on. It took a lot for me to trust someone and let them into my life. Being in a relationship which was healthy and good, which was loving and where it did wonders for my self esteem and in showing me what I want from a relationship....well, I'm not really willing to just shrug it all off and say he's a liar and was never that into me.
Sure, by the end that may have been the case but I'd ask that people stop focussing on why it ended and help me with what I'm asking.

Rightly or wrongly I have a gut feeling about him and whether that's stupid or foolish, logic isn't getting rid of it. So what do I do?

Mighty_Mouse

But another part of me thinks that he is the one. That we are meant to be together and that the problem was timing as opposed to the relationship.

He says maybe at some point in the future we will work it out but right now it's not what he wants.

Here's your problem.
There's a big part of you living with "if only..."
In order for you to move on you need to close the door on the possibility of this somehow working out. You are hung up on it.

The reality is that if he felt strong enough about you, he would not be able to walk away due to "bad timing".
I suspect that maybe the feelings run stronger in one direction?

Maybe he got swept along with initial emotions and as the reality of marriage talk kicked it, it sobered him

A little time out will have given you both time to assess the situation.
He should know by now exactly how he feels towards you.

It will be either a case of "he is just not that into you"... or he now realises what he lost.

mashedbanana

Your hurting Op, and that's understandable. HE gave you everything you needed, emotionally, but for some unknown reason, he just wasn't ready. At some point he loved you, deeply. This scared him. It was his first major relationship in a long time. You say things went from being great, to over, in the space of 3 weeks. This was certainly fast. A shock to the system. But, you have the old gut instinct that he was the one. Yet he isn't ready for anything serious just yet. Too fast, too soon. Well it looks like you have 2 choices.

You can just bite the bullet, and continue to busy yourself, and eventually, if you don't allow yourself to hanker on him, you WILL move on. Just don't ALLOW yourself the thoughts, when they enter your head. Distract yourself. Steer clear of him, at all costs! To do this you HAVE to turn off all emotion towards him. A conscience effort. No opinion on him, Good Or Bad.

OR

Take your heart in our hands, tell him what he wants to hear, take it real slow, and just hope that he'll see the relationship as something worth working for, and make it happen. But this could take years.