A rant on depression

Doctor Strange

Warning; Disjointed 1am wall of thoughts of a sleepless man ahead.

Okay, so I've been suffering from depression for a good few years now, since I was around 17 or 18 (now 23). It is absolute hell.

My sleeping pattern can best be described as erratic. There are nights when I'll just conk out, nights where I'll struggle, but eventually sleep, and nights like tonight where I am very tired, but my brain won't switch off. When I do sleep, my dreams can get very weird (prominently featuring my ex-girlfriend as of late thanks to my family constantly bringing her up, but that's another rant). Sometimes I'll wake up from these dreams and start over-analysing them, thus missing out on more sleep.
The effect of my sleeping pattern varies too. I could get no sleep and feel full of energy, or get over 8 hours and wake up knackered. It's so confusing.

Appetite wise, I am all over the place. Days where I want to eat all the chocolate in the world and nothing else, days where I eat fairly healthy cause I know it's best for me, or days where the idea of food repulses me (usually due to an anxiety attack). My weight has gone up and down so much lately, I'm stressing over my body image each time I'm going somewhere, as a t-shirt that looked grand last week is now barely concealing a huge gut.

Panic attacks are the worst. As opposed to slowing me down for a few hours like they used to, they can take a day or two away from me now. I can't stop them. I try all the techniques my doctor, psychiatrist, and counsellor give me, and while they work occasionally, I usually end up in bed if available or stressing in some corner if not. Then there's the emotions. Dear lord the emotions. I can feel fantastic one minute, then the next I want to cry. I've identified the main triggers for this, and I try my damndest to avoid them. However, my family have a horrible habit of bringing them up, and then asking what's wrong. Hint: It's one of the things I said I don't want to talk about.

And recently I've had re-sits which will determine my academic future, and been heavily dicked around by my new job, so I am on a constant hair trigger stress-wise. I just want this to all go away. I really, truly would not wish depression on my worst enemy. It's a curse that I don't want to drag with me for the rest of my life.

oldyouth

Best of luck OP. I've been there. Everyone is different and you WILL find the method that suits you to control this debilitating condition

L.Jenkins

I suffer from Bipolar type 2, so I know what it's like. Poor sleep patterns, some good and other nights are bad. Had a few issues in College with exams. Towards the end, I lost the will to study, but got there in the end. Suffer from stress an awful lot as well as anxiety and panic attacks.

The worst is, trying to keep jobs and trying not to sabotage myself to the point of getting fired. I get seriously paranoid and that has a tendency to fudge things up more often than not. I'm medicated and still looking for some stability in life, but like all journeys, I'm getting there. Best of luck OP and eventually things will even out.

G_R

Hey OP.

I'm moving this over to Personal Issues, as I feel it may be more suited to there.

Best of luck!

December2012

Are you seeing a therapist? On medication?

Doctor Strange

December2012 wrote: »

Are you seeing a therapist? On medication?

Doing both. Have been on medication for close on a year now (had a few months during that I went off them). Been seeing therapists for over 2 years. It is getting better, but I just hate having to live with it.

December2012

You mentioned that there is a thing you don't want to talk about - have you spoken with your therapist about

(A) this issue, or at least
(B) the fact that you don't want to speak about this issue.

Overheal

What finally broke me out of a long cycle of depression was a combo of things, but much of it I feel was attributed to friends and routines that kept me anchored.

You say that your job is unstable, your weight is unstable, your appetite and your sleeping patterns are irregular. When one or two of these things aren't consistent it's bad enough, with 4 or more it can be crippling.

If your doctor recommended it have you tried the gym? I just saw my doctor last Friday, his jaw hit the floor when he looked at my chart from my last visit in 2010: I have lost over 70lbs. Im pretty sure I can hardly bench 70lbs! Most days I wake up between the same 2 hour window which isn't unusual given my day or night work schedule. I also went back to school, which forced me back into further routine and mental exercise.

The key point was consistency. There is a physical component to depression that can be helped a lot by getting your body into a consistent routine. The same can be said for household chores and cleanliness and eating at regular time periods. Working out forces you to encounter a lot of your mental barriers, like that feeling like you'd rather just quit than finish that 30 minute interval you set the treadmill for but it's only five more minutes you've already done 25.

At the very least, getting your body to act consistently will give you some grounding with the things in life you can't always control. Plus when you aren't distracted by your body and your body is in fact helping you out and providing you a reliable level of energy you know you can count on you'd be amazed when you can actually go do some of the things you've set your mind to... I am way too familiar with passing out most nights during my depression thinking about all the **** I'd be happy to go and do but I just never found the energy for. That was probably the most depressing thing of all.

Est28

First off, dealing with these problems especially when it feels like depression holding you back is terrible, I know, so just let me say that before anything else.

However, one things jumps out at me. You have been seeing a therapist for 2 years!?!?!? And you STILL feel like this? Honestly, I'm not overly surprised given the counselors I have visited in Ireland when I was a little younger, maybe my things were not as bad as yours but I found the level of treatment to be laughable that these people get away with it. What other profession could you CHARGE someone for 2 years of care and get away with it if they are not seeing serious results??!?! They are a joke.

Here's what jumps out at me OP. You are blaming everyone else for your problems, or where you haven't explicitly blamed someone else, you have no outlines what you are doing to fix it. That is the first thing that just jumps right out at me from your post and if I can see that in the first few lines, I'm shocked a therapist hasn't seen it in 2 whole years.

When you are depressed this is hard to see but I can only tell you the cold hard truth for me. Go do something about the problems. Don't talk about with with counselors or therapists, it only makes you think about and linger on the problems and makes you feel worse... come up with plans and get things going in the right direction.

I'm just taking one item as an example. If you are unhappy with your weight.
Go on something like livestrong.com today and build a meal and exercise plan. Stick to it. The money you're spending on the therapist which is not going anything, all that money could go on a really great gym membership (knowing how much these jokers charge for their "service"). The bottom line is that if you make and stick to a meal plan, then commit to your exercise program, it WILL fix this particular problem. There is no question about it. YOU can do all this for yourself and you can start today, and if you stick to a plan it WILL fix this issue. Talking about it and blaming someone else for the problem with NOT ever fix it.

Same goes for any other problem. If you feel it's someone elses fault, then you have to realise that that person just is the way they are. They won't change, they won't fix it for you... so to be blunt... F-THEM! Begin to write down your problems and what you think will make it better, then figure out a few steps as above, how you can get it right... it won't be by tomorrow, but in a month, 2 months, 6 months, whatever... what will make it right for you. And just go do it... end of story. Nobody else will fix it for you. You can. If you just go do it... but realise that if you do nothing now, then in 6 months nothing will have changed. But if you begin to do something NOW, then in 6 months you could be REALLY happy.

Why not get the wheels in motion and F anyone you think is holding you back, they're not important if they really are doing this, but it's only you holding yourself back from being happy again. Get a plan and get this going, come on OP!

Sarah Jane.

You sound like any normal person to me. I have a messed up sleep pattern and don't have depression. I also have days where I could eat chocolate all day ;-) . Try not overthink these problems. Why don't you take up swimming to keep healthy and clear your head and maybe go to your local pub during the week. I own a pub and talk to many different people who have lost loved ones or other terrible things and it makes me see my situation isn't that bad.