Lying about his ex?

LegacyUser

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months, it's my first serious relationship and although I haven't said it, I love him. We speak every day and I miss him when he's not around and he's so good to me.

Early in the relationship, before we were official, I accidentally read a text on his phone that he sent to his ex telling her she was his ideal woman. I decided to ignore it as we weren't that serious at the time and I felt I had invaded his privacy.

A few days ago, curiosity got the better of me and, when he left his phone behind in my house, I read his texts. It turns out he and his ex text every couple of days, mostly just general chat. But I also found out that a couple of weeks ago he went over to her house to watch a DVD. He never mentioned this to me and only the other day I said I wanted to see that film and he said he did too, never mentioning he had already seen it with her.

What do I do? I don't want to admit I looked at his phone but I'm devastated about this and have felt sick ever since this happened. Any advice appreciated.

dancesatnight

your kind between a rock and a hard place.

on one side u found messages showing he was in a situtation which isnt exactly the easiest to deal with. him going over to an ex's house.

on the other u betrayed his trust by reading all his txts and in my world that a deal breaker.


just sit down with him and have a chat about things and see what comes of it

heretochat

Very similar to another thread I was reading recently..

I always ask the question as to whether the other half has anything to hide by not being upfront about his/her actions...

General chit chat is one thing but going to an ex's house and watching a DVD sounds a wee bit cosy to me.. And the fact that he didn't mention it afterwards when he had a chance to would make me suspicious..

As a counterbalance, I would question why you felt the need to look at his phone in the first place.. you maybe have your own doubts about him?

jdsk2006

Avoid all the BS, cut him loose and cite the reason "that you don't feel its going anywhere'...which it isn't. Don't feel obliged to admit how you drew to your conclusions either op.....feck his privacy!! Your the only person you need be concerned about here.

LegacyUser

heretochat wrote: »

Very similar to another thread I was reading recently..

I always ask the question as to whether the other half has anything to hide by not being upfront about his/her actions...

General chit chat is one thing but going to an ex's house and watching a DVD sounds a wee bit cosy to me.. And the fact that he didn't mention it afterwards when he had a chance to would make me suspicious..

As a counterbalance, I would question why you felt the need to look at his phone in the first place.. you maybe have your own doubts about him?

Some doubts due to the text I saw a few months ago. I looked at his phone due to part doubts and part pure nosiness. I only read texts to the ex and only about 5 or 6 texts, when I read a text where she referenced him having visited her I felt sick and put the phone down.

I'm actually pretty sure I know what night he was there because he always rings me before he goes to sleep and there was one night he didn't and it fits in the time frame.

I have no problem with him talking to his ex, even meeting up with her occassionally but he's obviously trying to hide it from me.

LegacyUser

jdsk2006 wrote: »

Avoid all the BS, cut him loose and cite the reason "that you don't feel its going anywhere'...which it isn't. Don't feel obliged to admit how you drew to your conclusions either op.....feck his privacy!! Your the only person you need be concerned about here.

But I love him? I have no evidence that he's cheated.

gg2

No name 5389 wrote: »

But I love him? I have no evidence that he's cheated.

Do you think he's doing right by you though?

Very sneaky behaviour by him. I would sit him down and have it out, tell him you had your suspicions and even though you know you shouldn't have, you checked his phone.

All I'll say is its more than likely a seed has now been set in your mind and its going to be tough to let it go.
Better getting all this out of the way now and finding out where you stand rather than a year down the line

heretochat

No name 5389 wrote: »

Some doubts due to the text I saw a few months ago. I looked at his phone due to part doubts and part pure nosiness. I only read texts to the ex and only about 5 or 6 texts, when I read a text where she referenced him having visited her I felt sick and put the phone down.

I'm actually pretty sure I know what night he was there because he always rings me before he goes to sleep and there was one night he didn't and it fits in the time frame.

I have no problem with him talking to his ex, even meeting up with her occassionally but he's obviously trying to hide it from me.

So there was one night he didn't ring.. and you think it wa around the time he was in her house.. I'm sorry but that is a big flashing light and alarm bells gong off for me...

He may very well have done nothing but why hide it from him especially asyou said he had an opportunity to mention it..

strobe

jdsk2006 wrote: »

Avoid all the BS, cut him loose and cite the reason "that you don't feel its going anywhere'...which it isn't. Don't feel obliged to admit how you drew to your conclusions either op.....feck his privacy!! Your the only person you need be concerned about here.

Jaysus that's pretty knee-jerky and thermo-nuclear.

She says she loves him, that tbings are going well, that he treats her very good.
She has no real reason to think he's cheated on her (actually the opposite based on the fact the messages she read were all 'freindy' rather than the other, and despite the thread title he hasn't actually lied to her either. Apart from, I suppose one could argue.. an abstract 'lie of omission'... type... thing...

I suppose one reason he has avoided mentioning he is still freindly with his ex OP, could be that you come across as a bit insecure and jealous, what with rooting through his phone twice in your short 6 month relationship. You may think these are isolated incidents and you don't give off an insecure vibe but IMPE that's rarely the case whether the person realises it or not.

I wouldn't say anything about the phone rooting OP, while some people wouldn't think it was that big a deal, for lot's of people it'd mean they'd end the relationship on the spot.

I think my advice here, for what it's worth, would be to bring up in general conversation the topic of people remaining friends after breaking up with each other (maybe you have a freind of relation that has done this you have spoken to recently and this can be your pretense for initiating the conversation), ask him if he thinks it ever works etc. *IF* you are genuinely ok with the idea of him being friends with his ex as long as that's all it is, then mention that your view on the topic is you think it's possible that people can remain friends after breaking up and you think that's fine.

If he doesn't mention he's still friends and keeps in contact with his ex with that oppurtunity, THEN I'd start thinking maybe you should err on the side of suspicion or caution.

But as things stand, from the info you've provided, the situation is potentially simply that he didn't mention to you that he watched a movie with a mate. And just ending what according to you is a pretty good relationship because of that would be nuts I think.

However while the relationship might be pretty good it's not perfect.There's at the least some trust and communication issues that need to be sorted out betwrrn the two of you. So seperate from this whole incident I think you need to think about how both of you could go about working on that. (keeping in mind that this is only a 6 month relationship, which is pretty short term still, so don't get too heavy or over the top).

=======

Of course you may be wrong and I may be wrong and he may also be cheating on you with her unfortunately, but anyone could be cheating on their partner with anyone else, no one can ever know for certain, just the way it is, whichis where trust comes into a relationship.

Zebra3

gg2 wrote: »

Very sneaky behaviour by him.

Very sneaky by both.

And how do you "accidently" read a message on someone else's phone?

jdsk2006

No name 5389 wrote: »

But I love him? I have no evidence that he's cheated.

And i totally get that you love him, i do.
Lets look at the facts here:

1)You found a text to his ex sayin she his ideal woman

2)You find more texts months later that showed they shared a movie night together.

3)He didn't tell you about this movie night.

4)In fact he was willing to sit through it all again wit you!

5)Your intuition told you something is amiss and led you to check his fone

I don't mean to be harsh here op cos i know your hurting right now but i think you need to be realistic here - its very unlikely he would be sharing a movie with an ex if he was serious about yer relationship......in my world true love doesn't work like that.

heretochat

jdsk2006 wrote: »

And i totally get that you love him, i do.
Lets look at the facts here:

1)You found a text to his ex sayin she his ideal woman

2)You find more texts months later that showed they shared a movie night together.

3)He didn't tell you about this movie night.

4)In fact he was willing to sit through it all again wit you!

5)Your intuition told you something is amiss and led you to check his fone

I don't mean to be harsh here op cos i know your hurting right now but i think you need to be realistic here - its very unlikely he would be sharing a movie with an ex if he was serious about yer relationship......in my world true love doesn't work like that.

Whatever about sharing a movie with the ex, the fact that he had an opportunity to "fess up" about this and chose not to do so would be the thing that would concern me if I was in the OP's position.

judgefudge

It's one thing being mates with an ex. It's another thing hiding it from your partner. That's shady. Either he's up to something or he feels like you are so insecure that he can't tell you (yet he still does it anyway). You obviously don't trust him or you wouldn't go through his texts - I've been there in the past OP. you read those texts because you thought you'd find something.

To he honest I'd probably walk away. It's only 6 months in and you don't trust him. Which is a major thing to lack. Plus on top of that he's been lying to you. And I wouldn't be surprised if you've been checking his phone more regularly than you say. It's a recipe for disaster.

scarymoon1

If he's lying about meeting his ex things are going to get messy. I would say it to him, he will probably get mad and defensive and want to know why you don't trust him and it will go downhill from there. It's only 6 months and there's lying and looking at texts. Can you imagine what it will be like in 1 year, 2! For your own sanity I'd ditch him before he gets there first!!

Aseth

Or maybe he is simply concerned how you would react if he told you that he went to watch a movie with his ex. It might be they are still friends after the break up. What was a reason for it btw? If that was his or mutual decision then I wouldn't worry so much. Also is he a good bf? Does he care about you? Is he over his ex?
To me it looks like there is a trust issue and you should work on that.