Heart is not in it

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Looking for some advice please.

I met this guy, we'll call him John back in March while I was on a European city break with a friend. He's from the city I was visiting. We swapped e-mail addresses and he contacted me the following week. He's been to visit me once since and I've also gone back to visit him, for all intense and purposes we're in a relationship. He's due to come back to visit me this coming week end but my heart just isn't in it.
We spoke this evening and he kept saying how much he misses me and that he wants us to see each other more often, even mentioned us going on hols somewhere (he knows I've no annual leave left until the new year so he's planning well ahead)
I should be really excited to see him but I'm not. I've done long distance before with an Irish guy whom I was in love with, he had to move abroad for work and it didn't work out.
I feel so bad that John is coming to see me and he's so excited about it and yet I feel the opposite. My friend suggested that I cancel his trip over and to tell him now that I don't see this going anywhere but I don't think that's fair seeing as he has paid for flights etc. I'm riddled with guilt over this, the thoughts of hurting his feelings is awful yet I know I have to be honest with him.
My thoughts are to follow through with his visit this week end and to call him when he returns to let him know how I'm feeling. I don't want to tell him when he's over here as he obviously will have no friends around etc.
Any advice is greatly appreciated, I'm feeling so stressed over this.

cassid

In fairness to him, I would be honest. Especially if he is paying for flights etc and coming to this country just to see you. It's not a nice thing but he could get a refund and go somewhere else. If you are not being honest with him, he is being led on somewhat. You sound like a nice person, but sometimes relationships don't work out, thats not your fault, its just one of those things. You probably want someone who is going to be in your life more than what he can offer, there is nothing wrong with that.

LegacyUser

OP here

Hi Cassid,

Thanks for your reply.

At this point he cannot get a refund (he's actually coming over tomorrow). I agree with you that in a way I am leading him as he is coming over. I think if I felt like this 3-4weeks ago it would have been easier to cancel his trip.
I know we'll get on fine when he's over and it's only really for 2 days as well.
You're right I want someone who is in my life more than he is. I think he has a romantisied view of this long distance thing and becuase I've done it before I view it totally differently.

My mind is made up becuase ultimately I do not see this going anywhere and I don't want to waste anyone's time. (Slightly hypocritical I know, as he is coming over tomorrow).

It just sucks becuase I know he feels so differently about the whole thing and the thoughts of hurting someone kills me.

purplecow1977

Similar situation happpened to m,e ironically with a guy called john (he's not scottish is he?!). i had visited him, he had visited me but then he was way too keen in texts and I didn't see things going anywhere. and i had a flight booked over to him but i wasn't feeling it so i told him and he got a bit weird and sent cryptic messages. in the end, i was glad i didn't go over (lost the money on my flights though!)