DH wants no more children.

pinkdub

Hi,

Myself & my DH are very happily married & have 2 children. They are brilliant kids, easy-going & well behaved. Our 2nd child suffered with reflux & the first few months were quite tough & stressful. Baby was in pain & never slept for any longer than 2-4hrs at night until 16 months.

We had planned on having 3 children but my DH is now thinking of finishing now with our 2. He's worried about going back to the newborn stage again & the sleepless nights & also about the financial side of things. We are managing ok at the moment but with another mouth to feed we need to be sure ws can afford it.

I would like another, I suppose my 'want' is more a maternal longing & I'd like another sibling for our 2 children. When talking this out it's hard to rationally explain the longing (DH is more of a fact's & figures guy!)

He has said he could do it one more time as he loves me & doesn't want to see me unhappy. He'd love the baby as much as he loves our 2 now & would support my decision.

Anyone been in a similar situation where you are both on different pages when it cones to something like this?
I don't know if I could go through with it if it's not something he completly wants.
We're talking & talking but feel like we're going around in circles.

Catphish

How old are your children now? Be careful of the 'goo' some mammies get up to the two year mark after their last. It kind of hit me after my last, but thankfully it passed! It's probably not what you want to hear, but I'm so glad I didn't. You know in your own heart and soul you'd adore any child you have, but there IS a practical side which can't be ignored.

The baby won't be a baby forever, and will need feeding and schooling as the others do, let alone increased childcare costs etc. once I got over that phase I was so happy because I was kind if getting my life back to some degree, no more nappies and bottles. I'm not calling your longing a phase of course, just be aware that it could be our hormonal trickery at work.

That longing you have is pretty powerful stuff, it can be a real battle with the heart and head. Communicate with your husband but don't allow emotions to over rule. Your husband won't want his wife upset, but there is an important equal decision to be made here. What makes him happy needs to matter too.

I wish you both luck either way op.

Rosy Posy

There was a thread on this last year from the opposite perspective that you might find helpful.

boards.ie/thread/2056024193/1

This is what I posted then

When we got together we said we'd have six kids...I've always wanted a big family. After the first two came along (in less than two years, both unplanned), my oh said he'd had enough, although I was still keen. When number three came along (also unplanned) my oh took it very hard. He loves the babby but the situation has put a strain on all of us and on our relationship. I think that he feels trapped and weighed down by the responsibility of the whole family (he is the sole wage earner and we have no family support to help with childcare). I think that you are being overly simplistic if you think you can walk into planning for another child while feeling ambivalent about it and not let it effect the relationship that you have with your spouse and your children, and that you should have a good think about it and either commit yourself wholeheartedly to the process or decide with your wife to be content with the two children that you have.

Going forward a year for us and I'm pregnant with my fourth, also unplanned (I know I know, we are looking into some permanent contraception) and this is still an issue for us. My oh has bonded with our third child and he's at a delightful if destructive age but the thought of going back their makes him weary. One positive change is that he's admitting this now, rather than trying to bury it only to have the resentment bubble up again later on once the baby is born and it's backs to the wall.

I think it's important to be able to express your fears, needs and desires with total honesty, not just saying what you think the other one wants to hear, to make a mutual decision, and once that is made that both of you are fully committed to supporting one another and the family through the consequences of that decision.

CaraMay

No one could tell you how hard it can be to live with a reflux baby. We did and are still and my oh doesn't want another for the same reason. Tbh I don't think I could face into it either if the new baby were as sick as the other one. I feel lucky with what I have and don't want to try to force him down a route he doesn't want to go. It would nor be fair to him, the baby nor our little family as it is.

Stavro Mueller

Have you sat down and done the maths? Cold and all as it may seem, maybe your husband has a point. Having children is a very costly business. How far beyond the cute baby stage have you really looked on this issue? Up to and including how much you'd need to put away so you can send your kids to college? A while ago I had a chat with a friend whose son will hopefully be starting college this autumn. Back of the envelope sums show that it'll be costing somewhere between €30,000 and €40,000 for a 3 year degree. And this is factoring in a part-time job that this lad has to help pay his way.

You've got two healthy happy kids. You're not depriving them in any way by not giving them another sibling. Maybe you should be happy with what you've got. There's maternal urges but then there's real life.

Hannibal Smith

We're in a similar situation. Id love another one, but the husband says no. On the practical side he's right, we're over all the difficult early newborn stages and can focus on raising the two we have. Money is a bit tight and another year of nappies and formula would only make it tighter.

I really would love one last child while im still in my 30s, but as he's dead set against it that's the end of it.

I understand your want...and if it were a Hollywood movie there'd be all kinds of 'true happiness, we'll get through with one more', pep talks, but the practicalities for me, far out weigh the broodiness so I shall just suck it up and look forward ti raising the wonderful two that im lucky to have.

Catphish

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

We're in a similar situation. Id love another one, but the husband says no. On the practical side he's right, we're over all the difficult early newborn stages and can focus on raising the two we have. Money is a bit tight and another year of nappies and formula would only make it tighter.

I really would love one last child while im still in my 30s, but as he's dead set against it that's the end of it.

I understand your want...and if it were a Hollywood movie there'd be all kinds of 'true happiness, we'll get through with one more', pep talks, but the practicalities for me, far out weigh the broodiness so I shall just suck it up and look forward ti raising the wonderful two that im lucky to have.

As an aside to your post, Im also in my thirties. It was more so after my last in my twenties that the goo nearly got me. While everyone differs, the thoughts of repeating it again in my thirties horrifies me. My youngest is nearly ten, and those years have been a roller coaster of happiness and stress but also extreme expense - I couldn't work for some time because of the cost if child care. I wanted badly to contribute to home financially as the cost of living was / is nuts.

Once the newborn bit is out of the way the harsh reality of the expense ahead was frightening to me. I've another for secondary next year and it is worrying me no end too.

I love the bones of my kids, and I'd do without (and always have) for them. I can't project enough the importance of thinking logically about the long term effects of adding to your family. I couldn't be fair to more children with the money I have, my focus is on the ones I do have. When I look at my children now Im so super proud of them, but their needs have changed. They no longer need nappy changes, but they need the same love, more support and encouragement than ever, and by god clothes, let alone food - they're like termites!

It would be a mistake to think no more nappies and bottles gives automatic clearance for another. I couldn't have told you that when they were babies.

I've gone on a bit, but only to extend on my previous post on a personal note.

Rosy Posy

One thing that both of us were really clear on is that we do not want a late baby. I'm 32 having my fourth which is enough for me (more than enough for my oh) and will still give us a chance to get our lives back while we're still young enough to enjoy them. I'm happy to go through eight years of straight nappy washing but once we're out we're out. I've seen a few friends try to cope with toddlers and teenagers and its not pretty (to be fair it works out well in some instances too). I'm also not keen on being pregnant over 35.

That's just us though, I have another friend who has two now and really gives them everything both physically (toys etc) and emotionally (still lies down beside her 4yo and 6yo until they go to sleep, has never been for a girls weekend away, has no interest in leaving them). They are planning a second baby stage when hers are teenagers, depending on how things are for them financially, so that they can really focus on each set of kids. It just depends on your parenting style and your goals for your family and your life.

Hannibal Smith

Catphish wrote: »

As an aside to your post, Im also in my thirties. It was more so after my last in my twenties that the goo nearly got me. While everyone differs, the thoughts of repeating it again in my thirties horrifies me. My youngest is nearly ten, and those years have been a roller coaster of happened and stress but also extreme expense - I couldn't work for some time because of the cost if child care. I wanted badly to contribute to home financially as the cost of living was / is nuts.

Once the newborn bit is out of the way the harsh reality of the expense ahead was frightening to me. I've another for secondary next year and it is worrying me no end too.

I love the bones of my kids, and I'd do without (and always have) for them. I can't project enough the importance of thinking logically about the long term effects of adding to your family. I couldn't be fair to more children with the money I have, my focus is on the ones I do have. When I look at my children now Im so super proud of them, but their needs have changed. They no longer need nappy changes, but they need the same love, more support and encouragement than ever, and by god clothes, let alone food - they're like termites!

It would be a mistake to think no more nappies and bottles gives automatic clearance for another. I couldn't have told you that when they were babies.

I've gone on a bit, but only to extend on my previous post on a personal note.

I was the opposite. We made the deliberate decision to leave family making till our thirties. My mother was always so resentful of the things she never got to do because she had us in her twenties so I didn't want to risk going down the same path.

Its hard to imagine they get more expensive? You're already down on childcare costs by €2k a month for the two.

Anyway its a moot point for us, because as I say the decision has been made and that's that.

Catphish

Apologies for the long-winded post everyone else!

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

I was the opposite. We made the deliberate decision to leave family making till our thirties. My mother was always so resentful of the things she never got to do because she had us in her twenties so I didn't want to risk going down the same path.

I don't really want to go down the avenue of when a woman should have her children because its not for me to say. Every age group will have its pros and cons, but it's down to the individual couple as to when it suits them best.

What I will say to you is that I doubt parenting a newborn is a snip to anyone. If it is they've either the patience of our lord or they've the most amazingly easy baby on their hands. The reality of it is very different for most. A couple need to decide at what point of their lives they will best be able to handle all of that, and that maybe while they are in the middle of very important career moves etc.

It can't be nice for you knowing that your mother was resentful of having children at a young age, but the way I see it is that children don't ask to be born. These are decisions made by our parents. I can tell you my mother had a twinge of resentment towards me going up, seeing me doing well in school seemed to bother her. In one breath she'd say she wants the best for her children, then in the next she was really odd about me talking about going on to college. It's tough because you only want your mother to want the best for you. But c'est la vie, and I know and I accept why she is like that. Her era was very different to mine. The daughters in the family basically ran out of the family home as quickly as they could, getting married and having children just to escape their own mother.

I can't say my situation was anything like that, and I wouldn't let my own mothers experience effect my own decisions. As it turns out, I had my first child 2 years before she had hers, I was in my early twenties. I can say with certainty that we'd very different lives to that point. I would have partied a good bit, to the point of being fed up with it all. I was ready for settling down. The only thing I do wish I had done prior to my children is travel a bit more. With that said, and although it is more expensive, I can bring them with me. I wouldn't have had a lot of holidays as a child, and I want it to be different for mine.

My kids are 'half reared' as some might say, and I've more time to spend with them. Soon enough they won't need me to be around so much and will have lives of their own. I'm going to see the world with my partner when this happens, at our own leisure.

Its hard to imagine they get more expensive? You're already down on childcare costs by €2k a month for the two.

You're in for a shock, yes they do! I know I said I have one for secondary next year but he's still not old enough for me to leave him home alone all day. During the summer holidays I have to pay for full time childcare for my children, and when they're at school I have to pay for after school care. I'm not lucky like some people are that have parents, another family member, or a friend to take mine on till I come home.

Then there is the food and the every day clothes. Kids develop their own personality and its when their clothes 'matter' to them. You won't get a pair of tweenie sized jeans at the same price as a little pair for a 12 month old. Add the rest of their clothes and the runners that all their pals have to the mix. Their school clothes increase in price every year, and my eldest is now in what is regarded as adult sizes. Thats more money. Outside of the meals they are given every day, they are never out of the presses and the fridge. Blink and a sliced pan is gone and several boxes of cereal! :pac:

There is a massive difference between the cost of their books from junior infants to the 6th class books I had to buy this year. BIG difference. I've just recently finished off buying all their books and uniforms etc, and I will have to start saving for my eldest sons school books and uniform for secondary next year. I'm dreading the cost. In addition to this, I give them a little pocket money but it wouldn't stop them from asking me for something else. I joke with them and tell them they think I'm their own ATM :rolleyes::)

Anyway its a moot point for us, because as I say the decision has been made and that's that.

And thats perfectly fine, each couple will know when the time is right for them. It's definitely worth finding out the facts and figures in terms of finances prior to trying though. It most certainly does not get less expensive to have a child!

I wouldn't change them for the world though, they're great kids

Hannibal Smith

Ive no idea how expensive they are as teenagers. But we'd already be 2k a month better off lol.

Like you say, each couple decides on their own family making agenda. I dont mind what my mother did or didn't think as long as I dont turn out the same way, so its not an issue. But I couldn't have done it in my 20s. It happened to coincide with the celtic tiger and we had a blast of a time, I would have hated missing out on all the things we did.

I'm not in any way undecided about our family situation so I don't really need talking round lol. Like I said in my first post the practicalities far out weigh the wish for another.

mashedbanana

Oh man, I remember the reflux. One of ours had to have hypoalergenic formula, took the doctors forever to diagnose correctly. Yes, it would put anyone off going again. If I were you, I'd wait a while. As long as you are in no panic for another straight away. I put almost exactly 3 years between mine. Looking back now, I would have given myself and hubby a chance to..recover!

Looking back now on all those exhausted night, sick to my tummy from lack of sleep. fear of losing the child as the doc's were unsure. Prodding and poking her for IV drips, horrific.

LegacyUser

To pinkdub
I would advise you to not to have another child. You have 2 healthy children.

How would you, your DH and other children cope if you had a disabled child.
Your DH is right to be worried about the financial side of things because as your children get older you have more expense.
You also need to consider the what talents, abilities and skills both you children currently have and what they may like to work at or study in the future. If they have problems with a subject in school can you afford grinds or the cost of sending them to a better school than the one up the road?
The cost of 3rd level education is going up every year so in x number of years time how much money will you need to have saved to pay this cost. Even if your children get part time work in college and work during the summer it will still cost you a lot to put them through college.

I would be thankful for what you have got. You now have some time to enjoy your own life and have some time back as a couple now that your children are that bit older.
Your better off having 2 children in a happy relationship rather than 3 children which may lead to additional pressure for you both.

wallycharlo

OP, would I be right in thinking that your partner may not have done too much deep thinking initially when ye had the 'Let's have 3' conversation, and more than likely did not do the sums, or think of the other factors, etc?

It's always easy to be wise after the event of course, but I think that many men's eyes are not fully open to all the consequences of having children before they actually arrive on the scene.

I can fully understand how you may yearn to have another, you may have evolution to thank for that I guess, and may not be ever able to translate this into logical arguments.

Three kids is a big ask though (and not just financially) and personally there is no way that I would sign up for more than 2 myself, which is something I've also made clear from the off.

pinkdub

wise woman wrote: »

To pinkdub
I would advise you to not to have another child. You have 2 healthy children.

How would you, your DH and other children cope if you had a disabled child.
Your DH is right to be worried about the financial side of things because as your children get older you have more expense.
You also need to consider the what talents, abilities and skills both you children currently have and what they may like to work at or study in the future. If they have problems with a subject in school can you afford grinds or the cost of sending them to a better school than the one up the road?
The cost of 3rd level education is going up every year so in x number of years time how much money will you need to have saved to pay this cost. Even if your children get part time work in college and work during the summer it will still cost you a lot to put them through college.

I would be thankful for what you have got. You now have some time to enjoy your own life and have some time back as a couple now that your children are that bit older.
Your better off having 2 children in a happy relationship rather than 3 children which may lead to additional pressure for you both.

Thanks for all the replies.
I know my DH is right to be concerned about our finances, I'm not questioning that at all. We both have concerns regarding it. I also know that before our first arrived my DH didn't realise the full extend to how life changes when you become a parent & I suppose only with experience can you make a fully informed decision about how many you may have. I worked in the childcare industry so I knew (to a certain extend) how restricting life can be in the early years.
For every couple each pregnancy comes the worry of baby's health, we lost one pregnancy so it is always a worry for us.
Both children have saving accounts since birth & will go towards their college fes's if they chose that route. Obviously we will have to add to that when the time comes. Myself & my siblings all had part time jobs when we were in college so if need's must ours may have to too.

I suppose I set out when we began our family thinking of all 3 pregnancies, thinking of genders & the years that would be between them etc. I know there are never guarentee's in life & plans may never work out the way you may think they will but I'm having a hard time letting go of the thoughts of another, the last one. Hard to explain & hard for others to understand but it's there niggling away at me. I even remember when my second was a few weeks old thinking about how the next one would be it & this stage would be over...time moves too quickly! I had always looked forward to becoming a mother & have been at home since my first was born & love it, it's tougher than I thought but I do enjoy being with them & am grateful that I've been able to do this. I'm also a childminder so am earning something (albeit small) towards the household.

We have time on our side so we're going to park this for another year or two but I doubt much will change from my DH's point of view, so I suppose I'm going to jusf have to try and accept this & move on. I'm so grateful for our 2 kids, they really are wonderful & have brought so much joy into our lives, I know we are so blessed to have them.