Dangerous dilemma

LegacyUser

A former housemate told me that he is HIV positive.
He has been for about 10 years or so. He cannot pinpoint the exact time of infection.

What bothers me is that he has not told his ex girlfriend, who is a mutual friend.

They were together about 12 years ago. It didn't last long. About 6 months.

Do I tell her?

bp

I would encourage him to tell her - it is very important that she get tested asap

It's a hard one to tell.. it was 12 years ago. I don't know the symptoms of HIV (or if there are any), but surely in the decade+ since then, some would have come forward.

username123

It was 12 years ago.

I would imagine most sexually active people who have had different partners would have either had sexual health testing in the past 12 years (isnt this the norm?) OR some symptoms should have shown up by now OR some symptoms would have shown up in people she inadvertently infected and they would have come back to her by now.

I would still encourage him to tell her but it is likely that she is fine.

cletus van damme

if he doesn't tell soon - i'd tell her
her health is as risk as the longer she could be infected the more serious it could be

MagicMarker

He's been HIV+ for ten years, but hasn't told his ex from 12 years ago?

Am I missing something? Why does he need to tell his ex?

ABajaninCork

Are you certain she doesn't already know??

If she definitely doesn't know, then I wouldn't directly tell her just yet IYKWIM. I'd encourage her to be tested ASAP. If she asks why, then you must tell her the truth.

Good luck!

cloudatlas

MagicMarker wrote: »

He's been HIV+ for ten years, but hasn't told his ex from 12 years ago?

Am I missing something? Why does he need to tell his ex?

I think he means he was diagnosed 10 years ago but could have had it for longer. It's a tricky situation. Encourage him to tell her, do it yourself as a last resort.

LegacyUser

Usually id be one for saying mind your own business. But dear god its HIV. Id want to know straight away.

wallycharlo

Deleted User wrote: »

...I don't know the symptoms of HIV (or if there are any), but surely in the decade+ since then, some would have come forward...

username123 wrote: »

...OR some symptoms should have shown up by now...

Most people who contract HIV will experience what feels like a bad flu within some weeks of the initial infection, but several could then go many years (i.e. more than a decade) without showing any signs of immune deficiency. Symptoms will commonly only present themselves with the onset of AIDS.

MagicMarker

cloudatlas wrote: »

I think he means he was diagnosed 10 years ago but could have had it for longer. It's a tricky situation. Encourage him to tell her, do it yourself as a last resort.

Well, the guy said he's had it for about 10 years. If he said to me he can't pinpoint exactly when he got it I would assume he means he can't pinpoint when within that year.

I think the OP needs more info before sharing such personal information.

wallycharlo

MagicMarker wrote: »

...I think the OP needs more info before sharing such personal information...

Agreed.

If there could realistically be an overlap then of course it makes sense to inform the friend.

However if he is confident that he was infected sometime after they were together, then it makes no sense.

I would talk to him again and solidify that.

Lux23

He could well have contracted if from the ex girlfriend, you just don't know. It's a tough one, personally I would do my best to convince him to tell her or maybe ask him if he would like you to pass the information on.

Galaxie

OP, are you sure he hasn't told her? If not, I'd be encouraging him to tell her asap.

username123

wallycharlo wrote: »

Most people who contract HIV will experience what feels like a bad flu within some weeks of the initial infection, but they could then go many years (i.e. more than a decade) without showing any signs of immune deficiency. Symptoms will commonly only present themselves with the onset of AIDS.

According to WHO

How quickly does a person infected with HIV develop AIDS?

The length of time can vary widely between individuals. Left without treatment untreated, the majority of people infected with HIV will develop signs of HIV-related illness within 5–10 years, although this can be shorter. The time between acquiring HIV and an AIDS diagnosis can be 10–15 years, but sometimes longer.

wallycharlo

username123 wrote: »

According to WHO

Corrected my post accordingly.

iguana

Any chance that his ex had a child in the last 12 years? If so you have no dilemma as all pregnant women are tested for HIV.

claypigeon777

rheyci wrote: »

A former housemate told me that he is HIV positive.
He has been for about 10 years or so. He cannot pinpoint the exact time of infection.

What bothers me is that he has not told his ex girlfriend, who is a mutual friend.

They were together about 12 years ago. It didn't last long. About 6 months.

Do I tell her?

She could be infected so of course you tell her. She might have infected someone else too and that person could have infect someone else and so on and so on.

donutheadhomer

claypigeon777 wrote: »

She could be infected so of course you tell her. She might have infected someone else too and that person could have infect someone else and so on and so on.

She might have infected him..............

MagicMarker

claypigeon777 wrote: »

She could be infected so of course you tell her....

Well, no. If she was with him before he was infected then no she could not be infected (from him at least).

First port of call is to clarify when the guy thinks he was infected.

Spare a thought for this poor woman, don't put her through such emotional trauma unless you know for certain there's a chance she could be infected.

Can you determine when the infection actually happens? I mean, the exact date. Probably a stupid question, but it was said before that the symptoms only show after a while. So maybe she gave it to him 12 years ago and he finally got himself checked 10 years ago. I don't know, but surely it's a possibility.

OP, I would seriously think hard about telling this woman anything. It is seriously confidential information and you could possibly be wrong.

wallycharlo

MagicMarker wrote: »

...Spare a thought for this poor woman, don't put her through such emotional trauma unless you know for certain there's a chance she could be infected...

+1

If this poor woman is not in the know already somehow about this, then she is going to be distraught when told. Due diligence certianly needs to be done before speaking to her, i.e. if the man in question is confident that he could not possibly have infected her (e.g. maybe he had clean tests for a year etc after they had been together?) then why put this lady through the trauma?

username123

claypigeon777 wrote: »

She could be infected so of course you tell her. She might have infected someone else too and that person could have infect someone else and so on and so on.

It's not the OPs job to police communicable diseases in society. Presumably the former housemate told the OP he was infected in confidence. It's not OPs responsibility to then tell the former housemate previous partners. OP was not in the relationship and could not be privy to their sexual practices, if any.

claypigeon777

username123 wrote: »

It's not the OPs job to police communicable diseases in society. Presumably the former housemate told the OP he was infected in confidence. It's not OPs responsibility to then tell the former housemate previous partners. OP was not in the relationship and could not be privy to their sexual practices, if any.

HIV/AIDS is a potential death sentence.
Why wouldn't it be a the OP's responsibility?

username123

claypigeon777 wrote: »

HIV/AIDS is a potential death sentence.
Why wouldn't it be a the OP's responsibility?

HIV has not been considered to be a death sentence in years. It is certainly a serious condition but people are suggesting the OP breaks someone's confidence about their health in order to tell someone who may or may not be exposed which could cause a lot of unnecessary upset. How does the OP even know if the former housemate had sexual relations with the ex? Was he in the bedroom with them? Nor does the OP know if the ex already knows. It's simply busy bodying to interfere. The OP should encourage the former housemate to tell but stay out of it themselves.

claypigeon777

username123 wrote: »

HIV has not been considered to be a death sentence in years.

It's a death sentence if the infected person is not treated which is what might happen if this woman is left unaware. She could get seriously sick and die.

It is certainly a serious condition but people are suggesting the OP breaks someone's confidence about their health in order to tell someone who may or may not be exposed which could cause a lot of unnecessary upset.

If an unsuspecting person gets sick and dies is that not unnecessary upset? What if she infects someone else too?

How does the OP even know if the former housemate had sexual relations with the ex?

Why take the chance he hasn't?

Nor does the OP know if the ex already knows. It's simply busy bodying to interfere.

And what if she finds out she is infected and nobody told her?

The OP should encourage the former housemate to tell but stay out of it themselves.

He has known he was infected for over a decade and endangered the life and health of this woman and not told her he has HIV so why is he suddenly going to tell her now?:rolleyes:

wallycharlo

claypigeon777 wrote: »

...He has known he was infected for over a decade and endangered the life and health of this woman...

This information is not currently known to this thread, as has been pointed out on several posts

i.e. it could quite easily be the case that the guy in question knows for a fact that he could not possibly have infected the woman in question.

The OP has been advised to carry out due diligence on the same.

username123

claypigeon777 wrote: »

It's a death sentence if the infected person is not treated which is what might happen if this woman is left unaware. She could get seriously sick and die.



If an unsuspecting person gets sick and dies is that not unnecessary upset? What if she infects someone else too?



Why take the chance he hasn't?



And what if she finds out she is infected and nobody told her?



He has known he was infected for over a decade and endangered the life and health of this woman and not told her he has HIV so why is he suddenly going to tell her now?:rolleyes:

Because other people's sex lives are not the OPs business. The OP does not have to take responsibility for contacting everyone the former housemate may or may not have had sex with.

People do not die from untreated HIV, HIV alone is not a killer, it is the immune system compromise that is the problem and people become diagnosed through the symptoms of the opportunistic diseases that take advantage of that compromised immune system(or through random testing). It's highly unlikely that in 12 years, someone HIV positive who is untreated would not have had some symptoms.