Badly need some advice please

40now

Without going into details about how we got here is there any advice that you can give me to try and improve my situation before I throw in the towel and call it a day.

Basically over the space of the last 3 years my partner told me she was menopausal and had fallen out of love with me, we haven't had sex in little over 3 years, she hasn't touched me in over 14 months and there doesn't seem to be an ending in sight, she was going to the doctors for her menopausal symptoms but I don't believe she ever spoke about menopause symptoms to her doctor, she is fully against hrt and will not even consider the pop pill's, and will not even consider a counselor.

So in my opinion she is doing nothing about us having no sex and she is doing nothing about her feelings towards me, I have been supportive of her and tried to help as much as I possibly can but nothing ever seems to bring us any closer, in this time I have been respectful of her wishes in not wanting to be intimate and I have not even 'tried it on' I have been totally unselfish with her doing things to make her life easier, she will not even speak to me about it and gets so very unapproachable if I bring it up, I swear I have tried to be a gentleman towards her buying flowers weekly, boxes of chocolates, gifts, I send her poems, cards etc but nothing.

I fully believe she is menopausal as I have read everything on this subject as she told me she was going through the change when this all started, so this is where I need your advice please. Do I firmly tell her enough is enough as I do not want to live in a loveless relationship and if she is not prepared to change then 'get out' or do I keep on treating her nicely and hope she comes around soon, I know there is a fine line between doing the right thing and been a complete walkover, I honestly feel she is stuck in a rut and doesn't know what to do.

I know for a fact she is not cheating or having an emotional affair and there are a few kids involved the youngest two been 14 and 5, so what should I do treat her nice and give her more time or firm hand and tell her enough is enough, BTW I am still in love with her and I really do not want to split up my family.

tcif

40now wrote: »

Basically over the space of the last 3 years my partner told me she was menopausal and had fallen out of love with me

I understand the menopause can be a turbulent time for a woman emotionally and physically but does being menopausal and falling out of love really go hand in hand like that? I wouldn't have thought so and maybe you need to try to ask her to be honest with you about which one it is so you know what you're dealing with.

From your post you seem to have been very patient and understanding of what she may be going through and it's not unreasonable of you to expect that she understands you have needs from the relationship too. That she's going through the menopause she can't help, but her refusal to talk to a doctor or a counsellor about how it's affecting her and/or both of you as a couple is not fair to you. You still love her and you have young children but no one wants to live in a loveless relationship.

Can you get her to sit down and talk openly with you? Will she give you a chance to explain that you can't take much more and hopefully agree to work with you to save your relationship before it's too late?

Stavro Mueller

Hi OP. I remember your previous posts about this. I personally think you're putting too much of a blame on the menopause. She previously told you that she hated you and had done so for two years. I find it very hard to buy the menopause story. Yes it can cause problems but would it really drive a woman to treat her partner like dirt in the way she has? She sounds like she as absolutely no interest whatsoever in saving this relationship. Time to take off the blinkers I think.

40now

Since my original post 2 years ago she has moved back into our bed and we cuddle when she feels like it and I get the odd kiss, she was actually taking cerazette for 4 months and we were getting closer but she stopped as she didn't want to put crap into her body, during this time she told me she doesn't hate me anymore and I was allowed to cuddle her, she let me give her the odd back rub etc, she also left me and got her own place and took the kids only to come back the next day, I honestly think there is no affair either physical or emotional, its just at timesI think she's taking the piss and I am so fed up having no intimacy in my life, so do I continue to love and support her or take a firm stance with her, I honestly don't want to lose her as I love her for better or worse and all that.

December2012

Will she go to marriage counselling?

As a last chance?

Sleepy

Jesus man, have some respect for yourself. Your partner clearly doesn't share your affections. If she did, she'd have sorted herself out by now. If you don't want to leave the family home co-parenting as flatmates might be an option but unless you've the freedom to seek the partner you clearly long for, you're going to be miserable.

40now

Amazingly today she asked me if we could talk so I said yes of course we can and she said she's leaving, now I have been thinking of leaving so I can't really blame her for thinking the same so I was really cool with it and very relaxed about it all, she is going to stay at our eldest son's place and has taken the 14 and 5 year old's with her. It was emotional between me and my kids but I was calm and relaxed with her she was actually more emotional than me and seemed confused by my attitude, there is a long history behind this story and I am heartbroken but for the first time in years we actually talked and I believe this may be a good thing and may actually work for the better.

Counselling is not an option for her as she has no interest in that but I can assure you that I will bring up the subject in time, I actually think she has just fallen out of love for me for some of the things that I did when I was only in my early 20's so I think counselling is needed for both of us.

I think that maybe now that were apart and not in each other's faces 24/7 we could get along better and spend more quality time together and hopefully laugh in each others company again and maybe see what happens over time, instead of feeling's of despair and the usual crying etc associated with a separation I actually feel like a weight has been lifted, BTW of our 5 kids the eldest lives away and 4 live at home but the youngest 2 have gone with her and the other 2 are staying here with me, this means that we will see a lot of each other so that's why I am still hopeful.

But I really need some advice on getting her to fall back in love with me, and thanks to everyone.

Love2u

40now wrote: »

Amazingly today she asked me if we could talk so I said yes of course we can and she said she's leaving, now I have been thinking of leaving so I can't really blame her for thinking the same so I was really cool with it and very relaxed about it all, she is going to stay at our eldest son's place and has taken the 14 and 5 year old's with her. It was emotional between me and my kids but I was calm and relaxed with her she was actually more emotional than me and seemed confused by my attitude, there is a long history behind this story and I am heartbroken but for the first time in years we actually talked and I believe this may be a good thing and may actually work for the better.

Counselling is not an option for her as she has no interest in that but I can assure you that I will bring up the subject in time, I actually think she has just fallen out of love for me for some of the things that I did when I was only in my early 20's so I think counselling is needed for both of us.

I think that maybe now that were apart and not in each other's faces 24/7 we could get along better and spend more quality time together and hopefully laugh in each others company again and maybe see what happens over time, instead of feeling's of despair and the usual crying etc associated with a separation I actually feel like a weight has been lifted, BTW of our 5 kids the eldest lives away and 4 live at home but the youngest 2 have gone with her and the other 2 are staying here with me, this means that we will see a lot of each other so that's why I am still hopeful.

But I really need some advice on getting her to fall back in love with me, and thanks to everyone.

Try to stay positive. Space may be good for both of you. You have a long history together and that's hard just to throw away. I think she's confused and will come around eventually. Would you ever consider writing her a letter telling her how you feel about her? Sometimes us women need it spelt out to us. In the mean time take each day at a time and work on getting along. If she doesn't respond you will need to let her know you have to move on, she can't keep you hanging on waiting as you have been more than patient already. You sound like a good man and I think she's lucky to have you.

Wibbs

40now wrote: »

during this time she told me she doesn't hate me anymore and I was allowed to cuddle her, she let me give her the odd back rub etc

YOu were allowed? She let you? Ehhh. IMHO if you're reduced to begging for simple affection and feeling all grateful for what is essentially intimacy breadcrumbs you need to re-evaluate in a big way. Not so much her, but re-evaluate how you're processing all of this.

I honestly don't want to lose her as I love her for better or worse and all that.

And it would be my take that she knows and relys on this to keep you engaged.

40now wrote: »

It was emotional between me and my kids but I was calm and relaxed with her she was actually more emotional than me and seemed confused by my attitude,

Because you weren't following your seemingly usual script in your dealing with her.

Counselling is not an option for her as she has no interest in that but I can assure you that I will bring up the subject in time,

I'd be surprised if she goes for it. Why? Because you're still chasing her.

I actually think she has just fallen out of love for me for some of the things that I did when I was only in my early 20's so I think counselling is needed for both of us.

Hang on. Going by your username, you're 40. If she's harbouring issues/resentment over something you did 20 years ago and harboured these issues while you raised your children that sounds a bit OTT. Are you sure this is one of the issues or are you just looking for explanations and settled on that as one?

Caveat for this next part; this is entirely my opinion, so take it or leave it as such.

But I really need some advice on getting her to fall back in love with me.

Don't try. Yep, you read that right. Don't write letters explaining yourself. She knows all that already. I'd bet the farm on that and it'll get you nowhere. Trying, nigh on begging going by your descriptions hasn't worked has it? All you got was "permission" for a cuddle and giving her a back rub and after all that she still ups and leaves you and you're hopeful? Eh no. That's doormat like behaviour and in my experience is a major and I mean major turnoff for many if not the vast majority of women. I'd be shocked to see women disagree with me on this too*

You can't make someone fall in love with you. Well... you can..ish. When people first meet putting your best side forward increases the chances of love if the attraction is there. The excitement of novelty is also a big factor at the start. After all this time that novelty is long gone. She knows, or thinks she knows how you're gonna react in any given situation. There's no mystery, so trying to spark attraction is nigh on impossible, if you continue as you have been.

Now read again what you wrote earlier; "she was actually more emotional than me and seemed confused by my attitude" when you were "calm and relaxed ". You rewrote her script of you and even this small thing made her react more favorably towards you. OK then, run with that kinda thing.

Stop begging her for any affection. Obviously you'll stay engaged with your children. That's a given, but you don't have to stay engaged with her. Not the way you have been. Right, so you're living apart, well then start living apart. Start building a new life for yourself without her in it. It won't be easy at all, as again IMHO you've fallen into a relationship role and even unhealthy ones are oddly comforting if that's all you can remember. BY all means check out a counselor, but again for yourself, don't invite her. Try and reengage with friends. If they've all drifted away, then join a gym, club whatever and try to make new ones. A counselor should be able to give good pointers if you've ended up with some social shyness. When you feel a bit stronger, then maybe try casual dating. Yep, you read that right too. Indeed as a 40 year old bloke you're holding some advantages here and there are plenty of really cool 30+ and 40+ ladies out there looking for an equally cool guy. You may well find a new lover and friend outa this and TBH I hope you do.

Even if you don't I guarantee doing all the above will get your exes attention. And yes she is your ex in all but name. Judging by your posts, she wasn't much cop as a partner, so frankly the only thing you're losing is fighting a losing battle for another ten years. So as she is an ex, treat her as such. Treat her with respect and compassion as the mother of your kids, but otherwise don't keep reading her script.

Again IMHO if you do all the above and get your life back on track and start seeing other women, or better yet find another woman that you don't have to beg for simple intimacy and have a mutually satisfying relationship, your ex will take notice and may even suggest a reconciliation. Though if you do all the above I strongly suspect you won't want anything to do with it.




*men don't like doormats either of course, but seem to have much higher tolerance for it.

Catari Jaguar

Love2u wrote: »

Try to stay positive. Space may be good for both of you. You have a long history together and that's hard just to throw away. I think she's confused and will come around eventually. Would you ever consider writing her a letter telling her how you feel about her? Sometimes us women need it spelt out to us. In the mean time take each day at a time and work on getting along. If she doesn't respond you will need to let her know you have to move on, she can't keep you hanging on waiting as you have been more than patient already. You sound like a good man and I think she's lucky to have you.

Please don't follow this advice.

No need to write a letter, she KNOWS how you feel and she DOESN'T reciprocate. Dude, she doesn't love you and all the back rubs, flowers and good deeds in the world aren't going to change that. Women aren't vending machines where you put romance in a sex/love comes out.

You say you "don't want to lose her", you already have. Your marriage is over. Sorry. Move on.

40now

Ok years ago I was a right c**t and I was in to all sorts of things and although I loved her very much I never really showed her how much I appreciated her, over the years she HAS loved me and loved me more than I ever deserved, in this time I did a lot of things to upset her and it is these things that she is still holding to, she has told me before that she was scared of me and this is not the first time she has told me about them but I did think we got past them and moved on, 3 years ago I threw out our eldest for selling cannabis and shortly after this she changed, she resented me obviously and that's when things started to go down hill.

Two years after that we were getting on so badly we had a chat and she told me she thought she was going through the change and she also told me she doesn't love me and has hated me for the last 2 years, only then did I act on this and since that day I have been trying to get back into her heart, I was told menopause and made our difficulties fit into this, so for 14 months I have been at her to get some help thinking this was the right thing to do, long story short I went overboard and she has told me I made her feel very pressured and stressed, she and her doctor both agree it's not menopause and I now believe that too.

In the 14 months I respected she didn't want to be intimate with me and NEVER tried it on and believe me I wanted too, in this time we went from sleeping apart in different rooms to sharing the same bed again to having a little cuddle and a little kiss, we would go on little family day's out etc and get on well, so she was trying and that alone would be hard, on top of that she was feeling pressured by me about getting help for menopause and I honestly think she flipped and she decided she's had enough and left.

In the 14 months I have changed as a person I have gone from been an emotional retard to someone who talks about their feelings while she has clammed up, she was always great about taking feelings, emotions etc and I was not (I would cause an argument just so I didn't have to talk). In the last couple of days we have talked a bit and she told me she has noticed my change too, I believe she is very hurt from my past actions and words, I believe she was feeling under enormous pressure re the menopause, I believe she just fell out of love with me and I believe she is there to be won back eventually, given time, and I think that because actually she did love me and possibly loved me too much. I also honestly believe that it may not be too late for us but if there is a chance given it will definitely be a last chance, so I want to grab it with both hands.

I am going to go for counselling myself and do some stuff to improve me and try and improve as a Father and spouse, I don't think she will go for counselling either alone or go with me for couples or family therapy, not sure of the names, I hope my story is a little bit more clear now and perhaps you can see why I am looking for advice and again THANK YOU for all the advice so far.

tara73

sorry, but obviously you weren't giving the whole picture in your first post. many, many new important bits come out in your last one.

I think it would be interesting to hear the version of your wife in this case....

Love2u

40now wrote: »

Ok years ago I was a right c**t and I was in to all sorts of things and although I loved her very much I never really showed her how much I appreciated her, over the years she HAS loved me and loved me more than I ever deserved, in this time I did a lot of things to upset her and it is these things that she is still holding to, she has told me before that she was scared of me and this is not the first time she has told me about them but I did think we got past them and moved on, 3 years ago I threw out our eldest for selling cannabis and shortly after this she changed, she resented me obviously and that's when things started to go down hill.

Two years after that we were getting on so badly we had a chat and she told me she thought she was going through the change and she also told me she doesn't love me and has hated me for the last 2 years, only then did I act on this and since that day I have been trying to get back into her heart, I was told menopause and made our difficulties fit into this, so for 14 months I have been at her to get some help thinking this was the right thing to do, long story short I went overboard and she has told me I made her feel very pressured and stressed, she and her doctor both agree it's not menopause and I now believe that too.

In the 14 months I respected she didn't want to be intimate with me and NEVER tried it on and believe me I wanted too, in this time we went from sleeping apart in different rooms to sharing the same bed again to having a little cuddle and a little kiss, we would go on little family day's out etc and get on well, so she was trying and that alone would be hard, on top of that she was feeling pressured by me about getting help for menopause and I honestly think she flipped and she decided she's had enough and left.

In the 14 months I have changed as a person I have gone from been an emotional retard to someone who talks about their feelings while she has clammed up, she was always great about taking feelings, emotions etc and I was not (I would cause an argument just so I didn't have to talk). In the last couple of days we have talked a bit and she told me she has noticed my change too, I believe she is very hurt from my past actions and words, I believe she was feeling under enormous pressure re the menopause, I believe she just fell out of love with me and I believe she is there to be won back eventually, given time, and I think that because actually she did love me and possibly loved me too much. I also honestly believe that it may not be too late for us but if there is a chance given it will definitely be a last chance, so I want to grab it with both hands.

I am going to go for counselling myself and do some stuff to improve me and try and improve as a Father and spouse, I don't think she will go for counselling either alone or go with me for couples or family therapy, not sure of the names, I hope my story is a little bit more clear now and perhaps you can see why I am looking for advice and again THANK YOU for all the advice so far.

Hang on in there, you still love her and it seems she still loves you. I still think you should write her a letter explaining your past and letting her know you have changed. If you are going to counselling that will be good, and don't give up. Follow your heart and not what advice we give you.

Thomasmartin

Dude...your marriage is over..I'm pretty sure you're wife has moved out as she wants to end it..she does not want go try to revive ig. You need to clarify for yourself if she has ended it completely with n chance of reuniting.

Also because of the fact that she has fallen out of love with u years ago..the chances are she has already moved on and wants to meet someone else etc

Keith300

OP move on, build your own life, meet other women.

Seriously, enough with the excuses. Move on. She has treated you like absolute sh1t, for your own mental health you need to move on and accept it's over. There are so many amazing women out there you could meet.