Some gentle advice please

LegacyUser

I am at a very turbulent point in my life. A lot of changes are happening and I have been under immense pressure for the last 6 months which will last for another 2 months minimum. I haven't been sleeping, I haven't been eating and I have been drinking more often than I should. My OH (of 12 years) tries to understand, but doesn't and sometimes gets frustrated. When I ask for a hug it turns into a groping session, I get more upset and it turns into an argument.

I just want someone to listen, someone to make me feel better about myself for even half an hour without trying to turn it into sex. I just want a f***ing hug and I know someone I want that hug off, who listens and at least pretends to understand, but it would not be welcomed greatly if it was discovered by the OH. Saying that I don't know how I would even go about asking for said hug without it sounding seriously dodgy. Is it weird that I just feel comfortable enough to fall into a peaceful sleep in the arms of this person?

I value my relationship, I value my friendships, I have never stepped out of line in 12 years but I feel like it will go in the toilet for the sake of a small bit of comfort. I have no intention of cheating on my OH, nothing to worry about, but this is something else that wont be understood and I do understand why.

Any advice is greatly appreciated even though I don't really know what I asked there....
Failing advice, I may hold auditions for free hugs.

Merkin

Are you asking if you should cheat? I think you'll find people will say no.

Have you got a healthy sex life with husband? If so and everything is well then he is probably just a bit frisky when physically close so if you just want a hug then say so. Have you actually calmly sat down with him and says that there are just sometimes you want the comfort of a hug? OR is it the case where your sex life is in trouble and he is desperately looking for a window of opportunity do you think?

ShaShaBear

I think maybe what the OP is trying to say is she is considering an emotional affair, not a sexual one. The fact that your OH is trying to understand your predicament is commendable in itself. You obviously both discussed this, and he listened. If you are not being responsive to him sexually, of course he is going to get frustrated. I hope that a hug still arouses my hubby after 12 years together!
How would you feel if you found out your partner had slept with someone else because, while he values his relationship, he knows a person who would give him what he is being deprived of in your relationship. He could be feeling unattractive, unloved, and if he has an inkling that you are thinking about falling asleep in someone else's arms? Well let's just say it doesn't sound like he is having a good time of it either.

I think you need to look into some help or counselling for your current problem, and I would suggest you take your partner too, so he can hear the full extent of your problems. You might even hear a few of his!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, I guess emotional affair is spot on. I have tried to talk to him, he has problems that he will not open up to me about and I guess he thinks if he doesnt have to talk I dont either. Our sex life is healthy, it averages out at about 3 times a week and isnt boring. It's funny how most people automatically think this is the problem. It isnt, even though i have to admit it has gone from an emotional act to a purely physical act, that is why I am not looking for a physical relationship, nothing wrong there.

I think I just need to relax around someone I am comfortable with who wont ask too many questions and doesn't know too much about me. All my women friends ask too many questions, i love them to bits and i will get hugs there but i'll have to wear earphones. I think ill just stay searching for something else until I get a chance to hammer out these issues we have. no point in upsetting everything for nothing.

Neyite

Anonomanom wrote: »

I think I just need to relax around someone I am comfortable with who wont ask too many questions and doesn't know too much about me.

Then get counselling.

An affair, emotional or otherwise, is not the answer here. Why add to the turbulence of your life by bringing in cheating into the mix. And make no mistake, emotionally connecting to a person outside of your relationship IS cheating. You say yourself that you hate that your partner doesn't open up to you. How would you feel if you found out that he does open up to another woman and not you? You'd be devastated.

December2012

Agree that counselling would help.

You could try it as a couple, just to improve what's already good.

Catari Jaguar

Anonomanom wrote: »

Is it weird that I just feel comfortable enough to fall into a peaceful sleep in the arms of this person?

I think that's nice. You feel safe and soothed around them.

Different people give you different things in life. You can't expect a partner to be the panacea for all. It's impossible to provide a person with everything they need - emotionally, physically, spiritually, socially, intellectually... That's why people have friends and interests. If your partner can't accept that and gets insecure, frankly, that's their problem to deal with and need to feel more comfortable and secure in themseves and your lives outside of each other.

The amount of advice I see here saying you can't do XYZ because of your partner. You are the most important person in your life. Right now, you're down and need to think of yourself. If your partner can't comfort you then seek it elsewhere, be it from family, friends (either gender), counsellor, yoga whatever.

Ross & Joey "Friends" couch nap

Emotional affair? Pfff. Rubbish. She doesn't want anything sexual so quit with the cheating over reactions.