Racist Parents !!!

LegacyUser

I am so pee'd off. I've just had a huge arguement with my parents over Skype. We were chatting away about life in general and my mother started telling me a story about how she dislikes a woman she works with for a variety of different reasons. Fair enough, you can't get on with everyone, I thought. She then follows up with the comment 'foreigner'.....it just rolled off the tongue. I don't even think she really realised that she had said it.

I have turned a blind eye to comments like that before......but something got me this morning and I calmly said: If you make comments like that I am going to have to hang up. She then gets highly defensive and upset saying that she doesn't talk about people like that. She also kept saying that she 'knows this woman'. It's as if she thought that I was saying she shouldn't be bitching about this woman full stop because she is a foreigner......like they should get some kind of special treatment.

Then my dad started scoffing saying....she did didn't mean it like that.......

I said- you can't talk about people like that because its racist and they both started laughing. At that point I said that I was hanging up and I did so. I then got a text from my dad saying my mother was very upset.....

Should I just get on with it and ignore these kind of comments from them ? I really don't agree with letting people away with saying those kind of things because of excuses like....'they're old' or 'it's the generation they come from'.

How can I make my mother understand that I don't have a problem with her bitching about someone, if they have done something to deserve it, foreign or not....but she cannot attribute their 'bad behavior'.....what ever it may be.....to them being foreign.

uuuugh

Honey-ec

First of all, they're xenophobes, not racist.

Second of all, I think you're overreacting a bit. By all means, tell your parents that you're not comfortable with that kind of conversation, and change the subject, but I think that's pretty much all you can do. Lecturing them and getting upset isn't going to achieve anything.

And seriously, if "foreigner" is the strongest imprecation they're using, it doesn't exactly sound like they're about to run off and join the BNP.

MagicMarker

Massive overreaction by you OP.

Nymeria

Personally, I don't think you are overreacting OP.

You won't change their opinions, but that doesn't mean you have to listen to them.

I am in a similar situation with my mother, and after years of arguments and frustration we have finally come to an agreement that we don't talk about stuff like immigrants etc, because we have very different opinions and it only gets us both angry.

I have spoken to my father about it, and he is of the mindset to just leave her be, this is how she is, we will not change her. He has told me several times he doesn't not agree with her, but does not openly challenge her for the sake of an easy life.

You are absolutely allowed to say to them, or to anyone, 'I don't want to talk about this'. I used to say nothing years ago, and I think my mum presumed I was in agreement with her, which I wasn't.

The key is to be calm about it, and stick to your guns, just keep repeating that you do want to talk to her, but not about this kind of stuff and if she continues then you will cut off the conversation. Eventually she will get the message. She may want to vent about this stuff, but you don't have to listen to it.

I love my mother immensely, it doesn't mean I have to agree with her or like her opinions.

Nymeria

Honey-ec wrote: »

And seriously, if "foreigner" is the strongest imprecation they're using, it doesn't exactly sound like they're about to run off and join the BNP.

We should be able to challenge things we don't agree with. It doesn't mean her mother can't have opinions, but I think there is way too much sweeping ignorance under the carpet in this country, it is laughed off or excused as 'traditional thinking' etc.

And the fact that her parents laughed at her for questioning it means that they didn't respect her opinion either.

Merkin

Honey-ec wrote: »

And seriously, if "foreigner" is the strongest imprecation they're using, it doesn't exactly sound like they're about to run off and join the BNP.

This made me lol.

OP, you are over-reacting here. If your mother had launched into some vile monologue using offensive language and was urging you to sign-up for Combat 18 then you'd have an issue. I get that some racism is more insidious than that and that casual racism can be easily glossed over but I don't think referring to someone as a "foreigner" (which let's face it is factual, if someone is from Italy for instance they are a foreigner - lust like I am when I go to Italy) is really anything to get too worked up about to be fair.

WellThen?

Overreaction. That all she said? God

If I was your mother I would of hung up on you

ManOfMystery

On the one hand OP, I can respect that you stand up for your beliefs and aren't afraid to challenge others (even loved ones like parents) when they say something which seemingly contradicts your beliefs. But in this case, I think it was a gross over-reaction to a fairly harmless word uttered during a rant by your mother.

I've heard a lot, lot worse said with true racist meaning behind it. What your mother said doesn't come anywhere near it, and it's certainly something which I would consider a shame for you to fall out with your parents over. I get the feeling that you've got on your soapbox about this issue, and if your parents haven't displayed any kind of racist behaviour before then there was really no need to do so.

Manco

I think we need to know more before judging. 'Foreigner' is pretty tame, but have they said worse things in the past, racial slurs or indulging in racist stereotypes etc? If they have, I think you're dead right to confront them on their broader racism.

My parents refused to get taxis from black taxi drivers, which I used to cringe at. They stopped when I called them out on it. But on its own, I agree with the consensus that 'foreigner' is mild, if a bit uneducated. Parents can be a bit sheltered about these things.

jelly4

Hmmm.. totally over reacting OP. Perhaps you have heard your parents say actual racist stuff before or maybe its how your mother phrased it? I'm afraid you owe her an apology though as the word 'foreigner' isn't in anyway racist. It just means some one not from/born here. You are a foreigner in Spain for example.

"a person born in or coming from a country other than one’s own."

iusedtoknow

slight (read: Massive) overreaction, and to be honest it was true. She is a foreigner. Not that it should part of the reason to dislike someone, but my parents who are the most liberal people in the world with 5 "foreigners" married into the family will still mention the fact that someone was "foreign" for whatever reason. I know for a fact that they are not even close to racist, it is probably just a relic of growing up in a time that had fewer "foreigners" that we are used to. I don't even equate this with xenophobia.

when people are out rightly racist then they need to be called out, but i would equate this as to calling someone "ginger" or "wan eyed". It may not be nice, but it is tame in comparison to what you'll hear from out and out racists.

freshpopcorn

A foreigner is

1. One who is from a foreign country or place.
2. One who is from outside a particular group or community; an outsider.

So, to be fair to your mother she was only stating what the woman was.

Marcus Antonius

Op we'd need to know more about things they have said in the past, to be honest it seems like an over reaction. It also depends I suppose in how it was said...I mean saying that somebody is foreign who is from a different country is fairly tame and acceptable to most people, how ever if she disliked the woman purely because she was foreign then that's racist. I guess I'm saying that it depends on if it was said in a derogatory way or as a way to descirbe the said person that she dislikes with no negative connotations. Either way at the end of the day you clearly know better how to deal with your own parents than me.

CommanderC

Thanks for all the replies.

To all those who are replying saying that, in using the term 'foreigner', she was just stating a fact. Saying that someone is a foreigner is indeed stating a fact, like saying, that man with brown hair, or that girl from Spain.

However, in this case, my mother was implying that this woman she works with is a cow, not because some ppl are just like that......but because she is a foreigner....from Africa to be precise and black (just to clear up the racism versus xenophobia matter also).

Why would she have mentioned the fact that this woman is a foreigner at all if she didn't think it had some baring on the woman's behavior? She could have just said: oh I work with x person, Jesus shes a right bitch....and left it at that.

I'm a bit shocked by how many people are on here saying.....well at least they are not parading around in a KKK hoods.....all she said was 'foreigner'. I think this kind of passive racism is almost more vile than outright racism, because its hidden and very sly, difficult to detect and so cannot be as easily rooted out.

My parents would make 'small' comments like this regularly. We were getting a cab before back home and the driver was Asian and my old man said, before we'd even got in, 'probably won't have a clue where he's going'. I guess today might have just been the straw that broke the camels back. I also think what also gets me is that my parents are incredibly kind and caring individuals, which leaves me so disappointed and at a loss to see how they can then say things like that about other people (however minor other ppl judge the comments to be).

Sorry to go on but another thing that gets me is that, they filter out comments like that when they are around certain people, people they have just met or people they wouldn't know very well. So to me that shows that they know that what they are saying is wrong, because they filter what they say around others, I'm guessing, in order to avoid disapproval.

Also generally our mother-son relationship is very good. We'll be talking again very soon I'm sure. I just posted as this really got to me for some reason.

OP, something I've noticed with people is that when they're annoyed or angry with someone, we'll pick something to call them. It makes it easier for us to express our anger/annoyance, but it wouldn't necessarily mean that we would feel those things really.

You said that she called this person a "foreigner" - it still is xenophobia, it just so happens that she is of a different race. You haven't stated the reasons your mother dislikes this co-worker. Maybe they started it first and it's just your mother reacting to it.

You completely overreacted.

iusedtoknow

You've managed to contradict yourself....

From your first post

CommanderC wrote: »

my mother started telling me a story about how she dislikes a woman she works with for a variety of different reasons. Fair enough, you can't get on with everyone, I thought. She then follows up with the comment 'foreigner'.....

and now

however, in this case, my mother was implying that this woman she works with is a cow, not because some ppl are just like that......but because she is a foreigner....from Africa to be precise and black (just to clear up the racism versus xenophobia matter also).

Which one is it?

I understand that even casual racism needs to be stamped out, but calling someone a foreigner is not racism. Since moving to the states I have been called a foreigner countless times, as it is what I am, a foreigner. I am white and only my accent distinguishes me from the american population. Are they being racist? Or does it not count as I am white. Living in Spain I was called el extranjero (the foreigner) or El Guiri(hard to translate) routinely by everyone from my doctor to the police to the guys I worked with both to my face and in reference to me....racist? or a statement of fact.

From your first post, which everyone commented on, you said that it the last thing she said about her being foreign.....i think you need to step back and look into the conversation again. If it was like you said in the first post, then yes you over-reacted. Your story changed a bit, and yes it does sound racist, but I'm now not sure which one to believe..

CommanderC

Deleted User wrote: »

OP, something I've noticed with people is that when they're annoyed or angry with someone, we'll pick something to call them. It makes it easier for us to express our anger/annoyance, but it wouldn't necessarily mean that we would feel those things really.

You said that she called this person a "foreigner" - it still is xenophobia, it just so happens that she is of a different race. You haven't stated the reasons your mother dislikes this co-worker. Maybe they started it first and it's just your mother reacting to it.

You completely overreacted.

First off all....wtf ??

Sorry I think I have confused the situation by referring to her as a racist when she used the term foreigner. But it is a race issue. I know that it bothers my mother more so that this woman is black as opposed to the simple fact that she is from somewhere else. She just happens to have used the term foreigner in this case. I didn't make that clear....my bad.

Do I need to state the reasons she doesn't like the co-worker?
I don't think it matters but my mother thinks the co-worker is very bossy.....they are on the same level in work. She told me this, then followed it up with 'foreigner'. As if she believed that being foreign and being rude and bossy are somehow synonymous.


Also.....all I did was say that I don't like that kind of talk, tell them I was hanging up the call and then hung up when they laughed in my face. I wouldn't think that was a massive over reaction.

I do appreciate all the feedback. This has been an insight into how people perceive different degrees of racism and xenopobia etc.

CommanderC

iusedtoknow wrote: »

You've managed to contradict yourself....

From your first post


and now


Which one is it?

I understand that even casual racism needs to be stamped out, but calling someone a foreigner is not racism. Since moving to the states I have been called a foreigner countless times, as it is what I am, a foreigner. I am white and only my accent distinguishes me from the american population. Are they being racist? Or does it not count as I am white. Living in Spain I was called el extranjero (the foreigner) or El Guiri(hard to translate) routinely by everyone from my doctor to the police to the guys I worked with both to my face and in reference to me....racist? or a statement of fact.

From your first post, which everyone commented on, you said that it the last thing she said about her being foreign.....i think you need to step back and look into the conversation again. If it was like you said in the first post, then yes you over-reacted. Your story changed a bit, and yes it does sound racist, but I'm now not sure which one to believe..

She dislikes her because she thinks she is bossy and rude....she then said, 'foreigner'.....as if the two are linked......I think I'm missing how her comment could be construed as her just randomly stating that this woman is from elsewhere.

If there is no link......why did she say it ???? That would be like saying.....''Betty crashed her car yesterday....Asians''......would you really think that these were two, separate, unrelated comments....(In this story Betty is Asian......and I apolgise profusely to any Asian ppl who are reading this. I just know that the stereotype about Asians being bad drivers exists).

Taltos

OP - if you start a thread unreg and then decide to start posting reg'd please follow up by contacting the mods. Failure to do so can result in immediate thread closure and even sanctions against the perceived hijacking poster.

Thanks
Taltos

meeeeh

CommanderC wrote: »

I do appreciate all the feedback. This has been an insight into how people perceive different degrees of racism and xenopobia etc.

I hate long conversations over the phone. A lot of people here seem to like them. I probably insulted somebody by cutting them of and some bore the hell out of me with all the wafle. If somebody complains how that foreigner treated them over the phone, does that make them racist.

I presume you live in another country so just remind them that you are a foreigner too. And relax, us foreigners do forgive the natives even when they are not hundred percent pc. Actually it's those that have the smug "I'm so inclusive attitude" that drive me nuts. Especially when they have the air of superiority around them.

As a foreigner I think you were way to hard on your mother and a bit pompous in reaction to other posts.

EvanCornwallis

Did you curl up in a ball and cry, when you hung up ?

iverjohnston

to be fair to your parents, they may be glad of a break from the skype for a while. while every now and then we may cringe at an attitude of an older person (or indeed one of our own age, none more narrow minded than youth, I find) they do have a lot more life experience and should not be written off as un-sophisticated or ignorant. from their point of view ,you may seem to be lecturing them on how to behave and what to believe. It comes across that you got into a huff and jumped to the defence of a person you do not know, and then tried to punish your parents by hanging up on them on.