Feeling guilty about moving away

LegacyUser

I am moving away in january (out of the country) and i feel so guilty about it, i feel bad because one of my friends is going through a separation from her husband and i should be here for her, i feel guilty that i wont be at home to keep my mammy company when my dad is in work at night. I wanna stop feeling guilty but when i think about it it makes me feel so bad

Rosy Posy

We emigrated 7 years ago and periodically get the guilts, either self imposed or imposed by family. I'm an only child and until recently ours were the only grandchildren on either side. You just have to look at the big picture and weigh up whether the benefits outweigh the costs and after that try to put it out of your mind.

One thing that we noticed once we'd moved was that lots of people were disinclined to put themselves out even slightly for us- for example we might spend thousands of dollars coming home to visit only to find the in laws would have no time off work or have planned a trip away alone. This really made us see that ultimately most people suit themselves and organise their lives for their own benefit, which is as it should be, so why shouldn't we do the same.

I'd also like to add that as a mother I'm well versed in guilt and can safely say that it is an entirely unproductive emotion. In the words of Daeneres Stormborn, if you look back you're lost.

December2012

Why? Why should you be here for your friend? It's her separation, it's her problem, you can still be supportive without being physically here.

Why should you keep your mam company? Isn't she able to look after herself at this stage?

Are you using these things as reasons to put yourself from going - are you afraid of moving?

Rosy Posy

I also wanted to add that just because you're not physically present doesn't mean you can't be in people's lives. With Skype and what's app you can still have daily interaction with your loved ones. I don't know how tech savvy your mam is but you could set her up a Skype account and sit down and have a cup of tea with her of an evening while you're in different countries.

ivytwine

Hey OP,

I know the feeling of guilt. I'm an only child and my parents are separated. I know how hard it was for mam when I was in college and abroad, and I do feel horribly guilty at times.

Yet, in the long run it's healthier for me to live me own life. We are supposed to fly the nest and become independent adults. That's how life works, how every animal operates, and humans are no different.

People often say to me "oh your mam will find it very hard" because she's on her own (she was in a relationship but he has passed away, which makes things even tougher) but I see it with my friends' mothers. It's easier for them because most of them are married but I know they feel lonely too.

I even had a woman tell me I was selfish for going out on NYE with my friends and leaving Mam alone, even though she hates New Years and would hardly go drinking with me and my pals!

You see plenty of people, especially in rural Ireland, who put their parents first. And when the parents pass away, as they inevitably do, these people find their lives empty. Never left home, never got married or had a family, maybe even never had a job. That's why you can't put your life on hold for parents or even friends. You have to live for you, not anyone else.