How to help

mookishboy

Hi all
A very good friend of mine and his wife are dealing with cancer at the moment.
She has a terminal form of cancer, but when that will be is not yet clear. it could be 2 months or 2 years depending on how the bloods and scans come out. The crux of the issue is the he is not dealing with this in any way shape or form. He speaks sometimes as if she is gone already, She wants to get stuff done around the house to make things nice. He will not entertain it at all. This man is kinda stuck in a 1950's rural frame of mind and doesnt like change at all. there is more to this but i cant really go into it. Im in the middle of this as I'm doing a few bits for them and as they are friends its difficult.
I really want to shake him and say " cop the hell on, Its your wife who is sick and needs this to make her happy/comfortable"
And try to explain to her that he is so afraid of losing her that he wants nothing to change at all.
I'm really the only the only person that can speak to both of them bar a professional but he wont go in for that "nonsense".

What can i do here as i want to help and its so hard to see this.
a pair of stubborn eejits who wont deal with anything that's relevant .

Thanks

Fluorescence

Tough situation, OP. My heart goes out to you.

The Irish Cancer society have a series of leaflets on coping with cancer - maybe reading through a few of them will give you an idea of what to say to your friend and his wife. Is he the type who would be insulted if you gave him one of the leaflets? If so you could just sort of pass on the information in a gentle way and hope it sinks in.

Best of luck with everything

iusedtoknow

I can see where you are coming from, but I think you also need to step back. While you are friends, you aren't in the marriage, and they are dealing with A LOT. And while you are friends with them both, you don't know the full extent of whatever conversations are going behind closed doors.

Maybe a quiet pint with him to check up that he is coping ok, and bring it round to the wife and how she is coping etc and take it from there. Barging in to what could possibly be their last few months together is not the way to go.

My wife lost her father to cancer,he was pretty pragmatic about it (he was a doctor) and encouraged the kids to go about their business. A well meaning neighbour (who didn't know how the guy felt about it) gave out to my wife in the hallway of their apartment building for going on holiday when her father was dying (she was coming to see me in Ireland for a long weekend)...needless to say he was still alive passed the weekend, and kept on for another year after that.
The point I'm making, you can't know 100% of what's going on between them, so tread carefully

mookishboy

I spend on average 6 hrs a day at the house either working or chatting or helping out. have been doing this for last number of years and have a good idea of what goes on as i hear about it from both sides after. Im neutral in all of this and am trying to help but its so difficult

December2012

Just to clarify OP, is the husband refusing to do what his wife wants?

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I know you want to help, and you are right, it IS his wife who is sick, but at the end of the day, she will be gone, and HE is the one going to be left behind on his own.

So they are both dealing with the same trauma from very different sides.

I don't know what you can do, except listen to whoever will talk, offer support and help (if it is asked for), but it is not your place to make anyone do anything that they are uncomfortable with.

Maybe he sees doing the things she wants as "getting the house ready" (for her funeral) and he's not ready for that yet. It all sounds very new. As you said yourself, they don't know how long.

Give him time to come round. His wife might want this as something to focus on. He might not want it because it means admitting it's the end. Both are very valid, and difficult situations to be in.

Instead of taking sides, and getting caught in the middle, try to make both of them see the other person's point of view. Because neither of them are right, and neither of them are wrong.

LegacyUser

It is a difficult situation that your friends are in.
His wife is coming to terms with the fact that she has cancer and may not have long to live. At the moment she is in a position to tell him what she wants done within the house and may want the home improvements done to improve her quality of life when she is not as well.
Her husband mean while does not want to make any changes as he thinks ignoring the fact his wife is sick will stop things from changing.

I would bring him out of the house and tell him I know that it is hard now that (his wife's) has cancer. I would then tell him that she wants the home improvements done when she is well and make some suggestions about who could do this work for him.
I would remind him about all the times she supported him in the past and tell him that she deserves some comfort now in regards to the house.
I would say look I know it is hard for you both at the moment but why don't you give the cancer society a call at 1800 200 700 as they can speak to a cancer nurse who can answer any questions they may have or to look up cancer.ie to get some support services that can help them both.