My Story

LegacyUser

So here is my story guys.

I have been a fabulous relationship for over 2 years now, my oh is/was fantastic.
He is very loving and we have been really happy together HOWEVER

Last week I seen him get a message for another girl/lady and I innocently asked who she was - he poured his heart out to me.
They work together and she took a shine to him & had been texting him for the previous week.
She knew he was in a relationship with me & that we were living together however regardless she had been asking him to meet her after work etc. I do believe him when he say's nothing happened however the deal breaker for me was that he said he was tempted.
This just broke my heart.

This all happened last week and since then he has been staying with a mate.
Last night he came over & we talked.

I am in total bits - can't eat, can't sleep and I am drained.
When I seen him, I was shocked to see how hurt hr looked.

He told me he loves me, he can't imagine his life without me, that he feels empty without me however he is scared of hurting me again. He cannot figure out why he he responded to her and why he was tempted to meet her?

I said it was obvious that he didn't love me enough and that's what I believe is wrong.
Of course he said this isn't true but yet he can't explain why?

When I left for work this morning, I left him behind in floods of tears - it was the hardest thing ever leaving him behind in that state, but I just don't know what to do.
Does he love me?
Why would he be tempted to be with somebody else if he did love me??

jdsk2006

He sounds like he was just flattered by the attention and got a bit caught up in the whole episode. Just because he's in a relationship with you doesn't blind him to other possibilities. Sounds like he made a mistake and is gutted to have messed ye up. He didn't actually cheat tho and seems very open and honest with you about it all which bodes well for yer relationship. I'd be a little gentler with him.....you have made your point and now it's time to move on whichever way you decide

Scortho

Levi86 wrote: »

So here is my story guys.

I have been a fabulous relationship for over 2 years now, my oh is/was fantastic.
He is very loving and we have been really happy together HOWEVER

Last week I seen him get a message for another girl/lady and I innocently asked who she was - he poured his heart out to me.
They work together and she took a shine to him & had been texting him for the previous week.
She knew he was in a relationship with me & that we were living together however regardless she had been asking him to meet her after work etc. I do believe him when he say's nothing happened however the deal breaker for me was that he said he was tempted.
This just broke my heart.

This all happened last week and since then he has been staying with a mate.
Last night he came over & we talked.

I am in total bits - can't eat, can't sleep and I am drained.
When I seen him, I was shocked to see how hurt hr looked.

He told me he loves me, he can't imagine his life without me, that he feels empty without me however he is scared of hurting me again. He cannot figure out why he he responded to her and why he was tempted to meet her?

I said it was obvious that he didn't love me enough and that's what I believe is wrong.
Of course he said this isn't true but yet he can't explain why?

When I left for work this morning, I left him behind in floods of tears - it was the hardest thing ever leaving him behind in that state, but I just don't know what to do.
Does he love me?
Why would he be tempted to be with somebody else if he did love me??

I know with some girls yeah I'd be tempted, but why throw it all away when I have a great girlfriend who I love?

To me he loves you enough that even though it crossed his mind he still managed to say no.

heretochat

I'm in two minds on this one.. Yes he didn't cheat and yes came clean to you about things..

BUT... would he have come clean if you hadn't seen that message on his phone? That is where I would have my doubts.. He seems to have been happy to play along with her and admits he was tempted..

Was he texting her back all along before you found out?

LegacyUser

OP here

They had been texting for a period between a week - 10 days and when I asked could I see the messages he said he had deleted them all - surely if they were all innocent he would'nt have deleted them.

We spoke again last night and he told me he loves me but he is unsure if we should get back together as he is scared that he will break my heart again - he said its eating away at him that he done this to me & he never wants to see my cry because of him again.
I got the whole speech about how he will never find anyone like me again and how he does love me & I'm his world

Today I am mad as I just don't know what is going on inside his head.
It is possible that he does actually love me and is scared of hurting me or is this him trying to break up with me gently. He said that he needs to clear his head and that if we were to get back together he needs to be 100% sure that he would never hurt me again.

I am so so confused guys - my poor head is hurting as much as my heart right now.
I'm a believer that if you love somebody like you say you do, you would do anything possible in this world not to hurt them? I am really doubting his love for me

heretochat

He may well be genuinely sorry that he has upset you as none of us like to see those we care about crying in front of us..

However, as I said in my previous post, how far would this have gone if you hadn't seen that text?

And as you yourself said, why delete all the messages if they were innocent..

It is far easier to cry and beg forgiveness after the cat is out of the bag.. How long would he have let it go on for (and how far would he himself have gone) if you hadn't found out..

When all is said and done it is your choice how you proceed. Can you build trust in him again?

And a part of me thinks he is trying to escape this by the way...

BraziliaNZ

He shouldn't be saying he doesn't want to get back because he's scared he'll hurt you. Bit of a cop out in my opinion, he needs to get over himself. I think it's done now, sorry, as you wont trust him again in a hurry.

Redsox Rover

OP i have been in your boyfriends shoes however i did not reply to the advances although i will say i was tempted. When you are with someone for a long period of time sometimes its nice to get a bit of attention from the outside and i can see how easy it is to be caught up in all of that.

My opinion is that he genuinely loves you as much as he says he does but right now he is a bit confused. You have been together for a couple of years and you are reaching that natural point in a relationship where a decision on real committment is looming. I do not know what age you both are but from your message i am thinking you are mid to late 20's. It could very well be that this whole episode has led him to want to re-evaluate his life.

By the sound sof it he is hurting every bit as much as you. It is only human nature to enjoy a bit of attention which you would not normally recieve. Think of it this way-If a guy you found attractive was making advances would you be flattered? You may not respond to his advances but you would be flattered.

I am not into generalising traits between the sexes however i do believe men are more susceptible to a bit of flattery and attention than women and may go that bit further than what women would in certain circumstances.

He has not cheated on you so that is a plus. Of course the question is if you did not see the messages would he of told you? My feeling is he wouldnt but that the thrill of the flirting or attention would have run its course and he would have made the decision himself to cut contact.

What he did wasnt nice and its definitely something for you both to discuss and work on but i do not believe it is worth losing a 2 year relationship over. You both seem to really care for the other and this is really a minor bump along the way.

With regards to him deleting the messages. i wouldnt worry too much. He obviously felt guilty about texting this girl and deleted the messages out of guilt and fear. What was said is irrelevant really. Text messages are so easy to mis-interpret anyway as things are said during a particular conversation that only the 2 people involved know the true tone and intent.

I would honestly discuss with him what you expect from the relationship and that if any such instance arises again he should be completely up front with you so you both can deal with it together.

I would make sure he knows that this behaviour really isnt acceptable and that he needs to work on his openess and honesty to ensure you both have a fulfilling relationship.

Obviously this is just my opinion on the matter and i do not know either of you but i felt it important to give the perspective of someone who has been in a similar situation.

Hope it all works out OP

ShaShaBear

To be honest OP, if he is thinking he doesn't want to get back with you until he sorts himself out, I would think he is looking to end it now that things have surfaced. You don't tell someone they are the only person you will ever love and that you will never find anyone like them, and then walk away from them

As harsh as it sounds, I think the initial shock of losing you really upset him when he saw how you reacted, and now with you moved out and distancing yourself, he might be coming to terms with realising that he no longer wants to be in a relationship with you.

Keep in mind that while he did not cheat, there is nothing to say that had the communication continued without you knowing, that it would not have resulted in an affair. You don't even truly know that this woman knows about you both or your living arrangements. Which is possibly why, amongst other things, he didn't want you to see the text messages.

Mighty_Mouse

Why would he be tempted to be with somebody else if he did love me??

Wha!!

Of course he was tempted. Who wouldn't be on some level.

that if we were to get back together he needs to be 100% sure that he would never hurt me again.

Nonsense.
Of course he will if the relationship lasts long enough.

At the moment he is either looking for a way out or failing to understand that it's perfectly normal to be completely happy and home and fancy everything that moves around you. I don't know if that's particular calling is a guy thing.

The Corinthian

Levi86 wrote: »

I do believe him when he say's nothing happened however the deal breaker for me was that he said he was tempted.
This just broke my heart.

Seriously, give me a break - he's monogamous, not paralysed from the ankles up.

Any man or woman who receives such attention, from someone they find attractive, while in a long term relationship, will be tempted. It's perfectly normal and simply means we're still human. What is important is that he had the maturity and loyalty to resist this temptation - temptation is involuntary and he's not to blame for this, it's how he deals with that temptation that is voluntary and he is responsible for.

You're setting a standard which is not only unrealistic but unfair; you want him to somehow not even be tempted; unless he gets a lobotomy or gelding, I'm not sure how you could achieve this.

dellas1979

The Corinthian wrote: »

What is important is that he had the maturity and loyalty to resist this temptation

I dont agree with you there...he has not resisted temptation at all. He is in emotional turmoil (apparently) as to does he stay with the girlfriend or break up and go with the new girl. Emotionally he is not there, now.

He's already bitten the apple, so to speak. Resisting temptation is the guy getting a text from that girl, thinking about it, and saying no. He didnt say no. He was caught.

OP, im sorry to say, Im not a betting woman, but Id put money on it, he'll feed you that fodder (about not wanting to hurt you), break up with you, get with her (satisfy the curiosity) and be back to you in 2 months. Seen it happen so many times, and it rarely works after.

Just be very aware, his words seem to be along the road of "poor me, I cant make a decision".

tinyk68

When I read the op lost my first reaction was to say put it behind you and move on. Everyone gets tempted from time to time. It's human nature to be attracted to other people. However the next post from the op put a different spin on things. If he really wanted to be with you he would be begging you to take him back not feeding you a line about never wanting to hurt you. There are no guarantees like that in life. He might hurt you. You might hurt him. The real question is whether or not he actually wants to be with you and if he does its up to you to dictate the terms now, not him because he's the one who made the mistake. Personally, I think he wants out but doesn't have the nerve to say so. Don't let him do that to you.

Big Bag of Chips

Honestly, OP.. I think he is trying to let you down gently. He is telling you the bare bones of what he thinks he needs to say to get out of this. I heard it said somewhere that a liar will only admit to what they have been caught out on. You will never get the whole truth out of him.

I'd be very surprised, if without any encouragement from him this girl was coming on to him and asking him to meet her after work, while knowing that he was living with you. Either he wasn't telling her something, or he's not telling you something.

If he truly loved you, and wanted to be with you he would be begging, crying, pleading and promising to do whatever it took to prove to you how sorry he was. Instead he is using a half arsed "I don't deserve you, so I'll leave you to it" line. He doesn't want to be with you - but isn't brave enough to just come out and say it.

I think you need to accept that this relationship is not going to work. It could work if both of you were prepared to work (hard) at it. But while you might be, it seems like he's not, preferring instead to walk away telling you, you deserve better.

Keith300

Levi86 wrote: »

So here is my story guys.

I have been a fabulous relationship for over 2 years now, my oh is/was fantastic.
He is very loving and we have been really happy together HOWEVER

Last week I seen him get a message for another girl/lady and I innocently asked who she was - he poured his heart out to me.
They work together and she took a shine to him & had been texting him for the previous week.
She knew he was in a relationship with me & that we were living together however regardless she had been asking him to meet her after work etc. I do believe him when he say's nothing happened however the deal breaker for me was that he said he was tempted.
This just broke my heart.

This all happened last week and since then he has been staying with a mate.
Last night he came over & we talked.

I am in total bits - can't eat, can't sleep and I am drained.
When I seen him, I was shocked to see how hurt hr looked.

He told me he loves me, he can't imagine his life without me, that he feels empty without me however he is scared of hurting me again. He cannot figure out why he he responded to her and why he was tempted to meet her?

I said it was obvious that he didn't love me enough and that's what I believe is wrong.
Of course he said this isn't true but yet he can't explain why?

When I left for work this morning, I left him behind in floods of tears - it was the hardest thing ever leaving him behind in that state, but I just don't know what to do.
Does he love me?
Why would he be tempted to be with somebody else if he did love me??

OP it depends what you mean by tempted. Did he seriously consider cheating or did it just appeal to him?

We are all designed to be tempted IMO to cheat if the right opportunity comes along, it's why we are here through natural selection. The question is do you trust your partner to never act on the temptation?

LegacyUser

OP here.

After a long weekend of talks we decided not to give up on our relationship last night.

I can't walk away from the man I love without giving us one last go.
He say's he loves me which I do believe and he has been making a real effort to show me this.

I will struggle with trying to trust him, I do know this but I am willing to try and we have talked about this.

He said he is terrified of hurting me again and never wants to see me shed a tear because of him again. Nobody knows what is around the corner - who knows I could end up hurting him, but I gotta try do this, life is too short, we need to grab happiness.

JenEffy

Levi86 wrote: »

OP here.

After a long weekend of talks we decided not to give up on our relationship last night.

I can't walk away from the man I love without giving us one last go.
He say's he loves me which I do believe and he has been making a real effort to show me this.

I will struggle with trying to trust him, I do know this but I am willing to try and we have talked about this.

He said he is terrified of hurting me again and never wants to see me shed a tear because of him again. Nobody knows what is around the corner - who knows I could end up hurting him, but I gotta try do this, life is too short, we need to grab happiness.

It's his choice whether or not he hurts you again. It's not something that just happens to him.

Mighty_Mouse

I will struggle with trying to trust him, I do know this but I am willing to try and we have talked about this.

He said he is terrified of hurting me again and never wants to see me shed a tear because of him again.

If there is a lesson to be learned here, I think ye both need to re-evaluate your expectations as to what constitutes normal acceptable behaviour in a relationship.

If you don't do the above then I think you might be destined to run into trouble when one or the other fails to meet your self-imposed unattainable high standards.