Feeling Frustrated with pace of Relationship

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I've been in a relationship with a girl now going on 7 months. Prior to that, we knew each other extremely well, so it's fair to say that going into the relationship, we had the benefit of feeling like it was something long overdue.

I have a major problem though - the lack of physical interaction. Now, when we got together, piece by piece I realized that her last and only relationship, which went on for years, was based purely upon convenience - she's a virgin and they quite literally did very little, even over the course of a few years. Now while that flabbergasts me it's not really my concern. My real concern is the fact that we have zero physical relationship. Our kisses are like pecks on the lips, we don't have a sex life. As in zero. There is no anything - touching, passionate kissing, oral - literally nothing. Over the past few months she has eased up slightly, as in now she'll come to bed topless, whereas before she'd be almost fully clothed, and so far I've been completely respectful of her need for this pace. I don't mean to say that I'm fed up now but after 7 months, I dread to think of how slow the future will be. Our routine is so predictable, we'll hang out all day, go to bed, and a few brief kisses before sleep is about as much as I can hope for, even if I try to gently pursue more.

Not sure where to go or how to progress, I have brought it up before but I usually just get the 'I need time' line, and I would respect and be OK with that if it weren't for the fact that nothings improving whatsoever since I first brought it up a few months ago. I really do love her and she's amazing in every other way but we literally have no sex life whatsoever and it's really getting me down. I wouldn't mind if we didn't have sex for the forseeable future, I don't mind waiting at all, but when there's actually zero other interaction of any kind, it's...tough.

seosamh1980

I couldn't deal with that. While many relationships last on very little sexual activity this is often after a few - or a lot - of years. If a relationship can't even muster passion, touching, sex, etc in the first months/year when you shouldn't be able to keep your hands off each other how is ever going to get better over time, when many couples do all of that less over time? Is she setting you up for another relationship of convenience, where she gets what she wants without having to have sex and intimate with you? You're basically just friends who share a bed then?

miamee

That sounds very tough OP. Are you sure that there is attraction there on her part? Are you possibly another relationship of convenience as you said her last one was?

If there is passion or chemistry and she has told you that she loves or cares for you as more than a friend then it is time to sit down and have a very frank discussion with her.

There are two of you in this relationship but only one of you are having your needs met or respected (hers); you also need physical intimacy - you need to explain to her that while you are not expecting her to suddenly go from zero to full intercourse, that you need more physical interaction. Kisses, hugs, cuddling, touching, whatever. You'll have to see what she says then, either she is not interested in these things or she has some serious hang ups about physical interaction that she needs to address. Hopefully talking to her very openly and honestly about what you both need from the relationship will help. Good luck

mashedbanana

I agree with everyone else, you need to have that sit down talk with her. There is something up with this relationship.

heretochat

I would take a slightly different tack to some of the other posters.. Yes it all seems very unfair in your eyes.. We all have needs right..

But I think it would be useful to try and establish whether there are underlying factors there which prevent her from getting intimate or allowing herself to be touched in that way..

Sex and intimacy is a very important factor in a relationship but if there are other factors at play maybe she needs to feel she can trust you completely before she can take that step..

ash23

Have you spoken to her about it? Have you any idea of whether she intends to have sex? Or is she waiting for marriage/has she sexual problems, fear of intimacy etc?

If you know WHY this is happening you'd be better placed to know whether this is something you can tolerate or work on with her.

Meauldsegosha

You say her last relationship was a matter of convenience, was that her choice or her partners? Has she told you why there was no intimacy in that relationship? You really need to talk to her about these issues.

You say she now comes to bed topless, have you tried to touch her? Maybe this is her way of initiating things.

The Corinthian

I'm sorry OP, but you're not compatible. Sex is one of the most fundamental, if not the most, pillars of any adult relationship and if you're so out of sync, then it's never going to happen.

She won't gradually open up until one day you're in sync sexually and she's hopping on top of you in bed - people simply don't change that much. The best you can hope for in the future is that foreplay will be two months of pleading.

All that will likely happen is you remaining frustrated, eventually convincing yourself that marriage will solve everything, then after a period of breeding (where her interest in sex will briefly increase for practical purposes), you'll find yourself trapped in a sexless relationship and coming here to complain about it and how you can't afford to divorce her (you get a few of these threads every month).

IMHO, you can discuss it with her if you like; give her an ultimatum, but it won't solve anything and she'll resent you for it, just as you will, or already do, resent her for forcing you to be sexless. So I think it's better for you both that you separate sooner, rather than later, and each find people who are more in sync with your sexual drives and interests.

P. Breathnach

I see two possible explanations for how she is.

The first is that she is asexual, and strongly so (I say strongly so because some asexual people give their partners a good deal of what they want, and the asexuality shows as a lack of active participation - a bit like "lie back and think of Ireland".)

The other is that she has a profound fear of sex, perhaps rooted in a childhood experience of which she has suppressed all memory. If something like that is the case, a specialised counsellor might be able to help her. A quick repair is unlikely.

pearcider

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I see two possible explanations for how she is.

The first is that she is asexual, and strongly so (I say strongly so because some asexual people give their partners a good deal of what they want, and the asexuality shows as a lack of active participation - a bit like "lie back and think of Ireland".)

The other is that she has a profound fear of sex, perhaps rooted in a childhood experience of which she has suppressed all memory. If something like that is the case, a specialised counsellor might be able to help her. A quick repair is unlikely.

In all fairness those two scenarios are unlikely. Asexual? What's that like 1% of the population? The simple solution is usually correct ie the girl does not fancy the OP. She is merely using him for companionship - if she fancied you, she would be all over you.

Mark my words, once a guy comes along that she is actually biologically attracted to, OP will be forgotten about quicker than you can say "sexless relationship" and she will be all over the new guy. Which is fair enough - we are programmed to fancy certain people snd if her body is saying no, it matters little whats in her heart or head. 7 months and can't even get a kiss. Is that a joke??

She's using you OP. She is not sexually attracted to you. It's not gonna happen so move on. You gave it your best shot but life is way too short to stay in a "relationship" that has no chemistry. End it ASAP for your own sake.

Best of luck man.

_dublinlad_

This has happened to me. The details that you gave here sound all too familiar to me i'm afraid. I was with a girl for over a year with no sex. Albeit she did do some things from time to time (with much persuasion), but there was never any penetration.

I loved her very much as you do your girl. She said give me time and I respected it also. Looking back at it now it was little more then a friendship. I called her my girlfriend at the time, but in reality I was just a convenient friend for her. She ended it and I felt like a right fool.

I wouldn't buy pretty much any excuse she gives to why there is no intimacy (barring extreme cases) I know your probably thinking "I don't want to lose her"... but the reality is you don't really have her right now.

I would suggest its time to let this one go and move on.

LegacyUser

I have a friend who sounds very like your girlfriend. I know that she has never had sex with any boyfriends despite the fact that she wants to get married and have a family.

Over the past few years she has had a few boyfriends but within 3 to 6 months the relationships would end. She would never tell me why but I know that after this time period most couples are having a more physical relationship.

From what you have told us your girlfriend sounds like a woman who wants a boyfriend to be like her friends. The reality is that she is using you.
At this stage I would say to her that your friendship is over. She may start crying or get upset but I would just tell her that having sex is part of a relationship and since she is not willing to do this you are not going to play the part of being her boyfriend any longer.
Your are nothing more that some man for her to go out with like other women of her age.

End things with her and give yourself a chance to meet a woman who loves you and
wants to have a physical relationship with you and not be with a woman who is using you.

strobe

I agree with Ash. You need to sit her down and ask her to be completely open and honest with you as to WHY she has this issue in relation to the physical things.

If there is some underlying issue, she accepts that it's a problem, her problem, and she is commited to working very hard on and getting past it, then you can take things from there.

But I'd also be wary of, as other people said, that this could just be another 'relationship of convenience' for her. She get's everything she wants, the non physical side of 'the boyfriend experience' while not having to worry about your needs, and stringing you along all the while. In which case she's not a very nice person, is quite selfish, is using you, and you should dump her immediately.

Elmer Blooker

don't think twice, just get out as soon as you can. The sexless relationship is meant to come after marriage and kids NOT before.
You're young (I presume) and soon to be single I hope - enjoy yourself while you can!

Merkin

FeelingFrustrated wrote: »

Not sure where to go or how to progress, I have brought it up before but I usually just get the 'I need time' line, and I would respect and be OK with that if it weren't for the fact that nothings improving whatsoever since I first brought it up a few months ago.

What does she "need time" for? Sounds to me like she is biding her time because she is either asexual or has some deep-rooted psycho-sexual issues which need to be addressed as a matter of priority but she obviously won't. She struck lucky once finding some poor fool to put up with an entirely sexless arrangement for years but don't YOU be that person.

This is not the norm. Sure, people may have different libidos but I don't know any couple who are in love, dating seven months and are not faint with desire for one another. Good sex and amazing chemistry is one of the cornerstones of what makes a relationship passionate and loving. It's also the cement that holds you together as boyfriend and girlfriend or as man and wife. Her abject refusal to engage in any intimacy on any level means you are also a relationship of "convenience" for her. She gets to portray herself as a girl with a devoted boyfriend where all is as it should be while you continue to die inside.

If she was willing to work on this and go and seek help I'd say stick with it as you obviously love her. The fact that she refuses to address this or empathise with you means she's not as wonderful as you think. I'd be dumping her if I were you. It doesn't make you a bad person, an expectation of affection and intimacy is really very basic and her abject refusal to engage with you means this isn't going to end well if you continue on "giving it time".

P. Breathnach

I'd agree with Merkin to a considerable extent: the woman has a problem of some sort. It's a more plausible interpretation than supposing that she is intentionally or maliciously messing OP about.

The thing is that she probably does not simply need time. She needs to use her time in order to address her problem, not defer dealing with it. She probably needs time and expert help.

OP, I think you need to confront her. That does not have to be done aggressively, but more along the lines of making her realise that she needs, for both your sakes, to find a way of getting past whatever problem she has.

Talk to her, OP. There might be something stemming from her past that makes her unwilling to partake in sexual intercourse.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I have been in a relationship with a guy with whom I had an amazing friendship with. I really gave it a go because he was too "great" to say no to. However, I wasn't all that biologically attracted to him and because of this I never really wanted to have full sex. I did other sexual things because i did find him "attractive" and it felt good etc,etc. However when it came to the crunch something was holding me back from penetration. My body/mind just wouldn't let go. This ended but for a totally different reason-I was moving away.

I met a man then who I had the most unbelievable attraction to and things felt so different. It was the complete opposite. My body and mind were compelling me to get down to it with him. It was so easy to lose myself with him where I couldn't with the other guy. His hands, his eyes, his smell, everything turned me on. I was a lot more emotionally close to the other man but physically I couldn't ignore the way my body reacted to this guy, especially in contrast with the previous man.

So it would be logical to guess there is some chemistry missing in the relationship. However I have a feeling it is more than that and it probably has very little to do with you. I do find it strange that you would not have engaged in any form of sexual activity, like another poster said some people would just "think or Ireland" and get on with some form of sexual activity, even if they didn't want to, if just to keep their partner appeased or satisfied. This makes me think that the problem is bigger than a lack of chemistry. Most of us have "passionately" kissed one or two people we don't have great chemistry with on nights out,etc. This girl is your girlfriend, her feelings of love for you should be enough to make her want to kiss you/touch you imo. It sounds way more like a brother/sister dynamic.

Do you ever run your hands over each other even? her boobs?touch through clothes?What is the other intimacy like in your relationship? Do you feel like she is drawn to you, does she look deep into your eyes,play with your hair etc? In other words are there signs of intimacy outside of the bedroom? If you do believe she is attracted to you then I would say definitely she has a fear of any form of intimacy/sex. She would then need to seek therapy of some sort for that (if indeed she wanted to work on it). That would be a long and tough road but you sound like a really supportive guy and I'm sure it would be a weight off your shoulders if you actually found out what the issue is.

I would suggest sitting down and explaining to her that although you love her and want to wait until she is ready you are feeling frustrated by the lack of intimacy as you really fancy her and of course you have desires. It would be very selfish of her to not understand that. I am not saying you should threaten to leave her in so many words but if all the cards are on the table and she really sees to what extent this is affecting you then maybe she will tell you what the actual reason is... If you do nothing I think things will continue on as they are and it sounds like you will have to leave anyway. She needs to understand how serious this is.

Good luck, its a tough situation but you can get to the bottom of it

Mr Ass Cheek

FeelingFrustrated wrote: »

Hi guys,

I've been in a relationship with a girl now going on 7 months. Prior to that, we knew each other extremely well, so it's fair to say that going into the relationship, we had the benefit of feeling like it was something long overdue.

I have a major problem though - the lack of physical interaction. Now, when we got together, piece by piece I realized that her last and only relationship, which went on for years, was based purely upon convenience - she's a virgin and they quite literally did very little, even over the course of a few years. Now while that flabbergasts me it's not really my concern. My real concern is the fact that we have zero physical relationship. Our kisses are like pecks on the lips, we don't have a sex life. As in zero. There is no anything - touching, passionate kissing, oral - literally nothing. Over the past few months she has eased up slightly, as in now she'll come to bed topless, whereas before she'd be almost fully clothed, and so far I've been completely respectful of her need for this pace. I don't mean to say that I'm fed up now but after 7 months, I dread to think of how slow the future will be. Our routine is so predictable, we'll hang out all day, go to bed, and a few brief kisses before sleep is about as much as I can hope for, even if I try to gently pursue more.

Not sure where to go or how to progress, I have brought it up before but I usually just get the 'I need time' line, and I would respect and be OK with that if it weren't for the fact that nothings improving whatsoever since I first brought it up a few months ago. I really do love her and she's amazing in every other way but we literally have no sex life whatsoever and it's really getting me down. I wouldn't mind if we didn't have sex for the forseeable future, I don't mind waiting at all, but when there's actually zero other interaction of any kind, it's...tough.

Would it be worth trying to spice things up with some sexy undies or something ?

Honey-ec

Mr Ass Cheek wrote: »

Would it be worth trying to spice things up with some sexy undies or something ?

It sounds like this issue is far beyond sexy underwear.