I think I have had enough

LegacyUser

My son is 20 years old now and is part of our family. He has a father here, that is trying to love him. His biological father hasn't been around since he was born.
He has other sisters. But when I say things are difficult, you have no idea. I have had to put up with the most terrible SH&* and I just cant do it anymore. I have had counselling, been on antidepressants and here I am, back at square 1.He is aggressive, he lies. He study's hard at college but would come home lie on his bed all day. Scream at me if I ask for any type of help.I have pushed him into work, asking for jobs for him. He has kept them and is really happy.It might be 8 hours a week but its something. He gives me a HAND up as we call it for his keep. But that's it. He recently became VERY aggressive in front of my other daughter age 1.He used the CU@@ word. His dad ,just cant take it anymore. I am spending my time saying leave it, Ill sort it. He is filling everyone with lies. He has started smoking telling me his girlfriend gives him money. She doesn't.
We left him behind for a week , we went on holiday, he was doing exam and studying.When I came home.I honestly thought I was broken into.The dog wasn't feed , their really was Sh@@ all over the loo. Food turned green in the press.
I love him , with every inch of me,I don't LIKE him , I seen something yesterday that I didn't like. Foaming at the mouth screaming at his 16 year old sister, my little tiny baby seeing this.He wants to make amends but wont take responsibility for anything.
I cant trust him alone in the house. He leaves lights on, showers on, taps running. He just doesn't care who he hurts. He went and got his medication the other day , he took his sister in the pram for a walk.He just let them medication , in the end of the pram waiting for her little hands to get it.
Myself and my husband have been talking about separating, the stress is killing me.
I can say move out , but to where? he has no FULL TIME job as he is in college. I was driving yesterday and HONESTLY wanted to run the car into the wall.
I didn't only because I have two young children. My husband loves Me, he is finding it beyond difficult to live with our son. They haven't spoken in years. Anytime they talk it ends up with a shouting match.My son would belittle me, saying Im thick, uneducated , worthless.His 16 year old sister has said she HATES him. My sister rang yesterday looking for me and he said I was off sniffing lines of coke hahaha. Not funny, just stupid.
I have blocked him from my facebook page as I cant sit and read the stuff he puts up. Fists and bums, spring to mind.
What do I do. If he wasn't here , to be honest things would be great. When he is caring, once in a while he is lovely and he tries to help by playing with his sister but shes was making strange with him up to recently. Now at least he will bring her for a walk.

We have asked him to move out before (He had kicked the doors , I ended up giving him a slap and his hand was to my face) and he said he Squats at a friends house. turned out he moved in with his girlfriend.He just used the word SQUAT to upset me.My dad has said hes not able for him. Last night the shead door got kicked in temper .He says he knows how much we dislike him.I love him, Im putting up with it, but I feel its at the cost of my other childrens childhood, and my marriage .Any advice to keep me sane PLEASE.

Kalimah

My God. You poor poor thing-you are really at the end of your tether aren't you? I know the feeling of wanting to drive into the wall- you just want to stop the despair. I'm no legal expert but I think for all your sakes you must find a way to remove your son from the house. Whether it's a barring order, changing the locks, whatever. Then when he is out -he must stay out, until and only until, he can prove he has changed. It is incredibly unfair that one person can make life so difficult for everyone else. Actually it's beyond difficult- it's intolerable.
In the first instance, gather as much support for yourself as you can -friends, extended family, even the Samaritans if it comes to that. Secondly approach the gardai and ask for their advice and go the legal route to remove your son. Do it today.
Mind yourself and your girls- and your husband. I hope it can all be sorted.

silly

oh god, My heart goes out to you.
This boy has some serious issues - does he ever talk about his biological dad?
Would he talk to someone? he has alot of anger and rage and maybe if he needs to see someone professionally about it.
Does he realise what damage he is doing to you and your marriage? and to your other kids?

MaxWig

Friend1234567 wrote: »

My son is 20 years old now and is part of our family. He has a father here, that is trying to love him. His biological father hasn't been around since he was born.
He has other sisters. But when I say things are difficult, you have no idea. I have had to put up with the most terrible SH&* and I just cant do it anymore. I have had counselling, been on antidepressants and here I am, back at square 1.He is aggressive, he lies. He study's hard at college but would come home lie on his bed all day. Scream at me if I ask for any type of help.I have pushed him into work, asking for jobs for him. He has kept them and is really happy.It might be 8 hours a week but its something. He gives me a HAND up as we call it for his keep. But that's it. He recently became VERY aggressive in front of my other daughter age 1.He used the CU@@ word. His dad ,just cant take it anymore. I am spending my time saying leave it, Ill sort it. He is filling everyone with lies. He has started smoking telling me his girlfriend gives him money. She doesn't.
We left him behind for a week , we went on holiday, he was doing exam and studying.When I came home.I honestly thought I was broken into.The dog wasn't feed , their really was Sh@@ all over the loo. Food turned green in the press.
I love him , with every inch of me,I don't LIKE him , I seen something yesterday that I didn't like. Foaming at the mouth screaming at his 16 year old sister, my little tiny baby seeing this.He wants to make amends but wont take responsibility for anything.
I cant trust him alone in the house. He leaves lights on, showers on, taps running. He just doesn't care who he hurts. He went and got his medication the other day , he took his sister in the pram for a walk.He just let them medication , in the end of the pram waiting for her little hands to get it.
Myself and my husband have been talking about separating, the stress is killing me.
I can say move out , but to where? he has no FULL TIME job as he is in college. I was driving yesterday and HONESTLY wanted to run the car into the wall.
I didn't only because I have two young children. My husband loves Me, he is finding it beyond difficult to live with our son. They haven't spoken in years. Anytime they talk it ends up with a shouting match.My son would belittle me, saying Im thick, uneducated , worthless.His 16 year old sister has said she HATES him. My sister rang yesterday looking for me and he said I was off sniffing lines of coke hahaha. Not funny, just stupid.
I have blocked him from my facebook page as I cant sit and read the stuff he puts up. Fists and bums, spring to mind.
What do I do. If he wasn't here , to be honest things would be great. When he is caring, once in a while he is lovely and he tries to help by playing with his sister but shes was making strange with him up to recently. Now at least he will bring her for a walk.

We have asked him to move out before (He had kicked the doors , I ended up giving him a slap and his hand was to my face) and he said he Squats at a friends house. turned out he moved in with his girlfriend.He just used the word SQUAT to upset me.My dad has said hes not able for him. Last night the shead door got kicked in temper .He says he knows how much we dislike him.I love him, Im putting up with it, but I feel its at the cost of my other childrens childhood, and my marriage .Any advice to keep me sane PLEASE.

At the risk of stating the obvious, the living arrangements are unacceptable.

From your description, the time has come and past for him to move out.

He sounds like a very frustrated 20 year old MAN. And as a 20 year old MAN, the time has come for him to go and figure himself out.

I can understand your frustration, but equally his. I had a tempestuous relationship with my own mother. They are complicated relationships at the best of times. For my own part, my mother's attempts to mend, fix, help were experienced as controlling and/or enabling gestures.

Your son is a man. He is your son now only in name, if that makes sense.

If he wants to lie in bed smoking all day, that's his prerogative, and nothing you say will make any difference.

You have long ago ceased to carry any significance in the influence department.

Keep loving him. Keep supporting him. Keep your distance!!

Kalimah

I'd have to agree with much of the above posted by MaxWig. BUT I think the situation has gone beyond keeping one's distance, or even him being frustrated. You are living with an abusive adult OP and it's impacting very badly on you, your huband, and your other children -one of whom you say is a baby.
The time for talking to your son is over. Forget it. Tell him to leave. If he won't of his own accord, change the locks when he goes out, and do not let him back. So what he has no money - that's his problem, not yours. He's an adult. He has to live with the consequences of his actions. We all do. That's what keeps us going to work, paying our bills, abiding by the rule of law.

kylith

I agree with the others; the time has come for him to move out. You cannot raise the rest of your family if you have to deal with him.

He is a grown man, not too many years ago he'd be gearing up for marriage and a family himself at the age of 20. Give him his notice and tell him to get out, you cannot have an abusive and aggressive person in your home when you have children there. If he winds up in a squat that's his own decision.

judgefudge

I'd focus on your other children, the 16 yr old and 1 yr old. It must be awful for them (and you) to live in this environment that your son has created. Don't let your love for him override your love for the rest of your family.

I know it would probably be an extremely difficult thing to do, but you need to tell him to leave. You're already on antidepressants and nearly breaking up with your partner, how much worse does it need to get? He has zero respect for you or the family. He's 20, he can support himself. Think about your other children.

I grew up with a brother that actually stills lives with my parents (at 28), is unemployed, does not help at all around the house, causes huge stress to my parents, and does nothing but drink and smoke. Best thing I could do was move out of the situation. My parents always let him away with acting like a disrespectful toerag. They never stood up to him and actually took action because they were afraid of what would happen to him. To this day he can't stand on his own two feet. He was also quite violent to me when we were younger, and it was a generally horrible situation to grow up in.

Systemic Risk

Im not a parent so i cant fully empathise with your situation but it sounds horrible. Listen to what everyone has said OP and get him out of the house. No more chances just tell him to leave. He needs to learn responsibility and the consequences of his actions. He will learn nothing if he keeps getting away with ruining the rest of his family's lives. You owe him nothing anymore he is an adult.

Slime Princess

I know I'm probably going to get a lot of flack for expressing this opinion but whilst your son's behaviour is unacceptable entirely, I can't help but wonder is he in some acting because he doesn't feel a part of your family. You say his stepfather hasn't spoken to him in years, which would mean that he was a teenager when this was going on. Kids pick up on things that people don't give them credit for seeing. He's clearly picked up on your feelings of not liking him as person and your resentment of him being in your home? Because it very much sounds like he feels this, on top of the abandonment by his bio dad, his non-relationship with his stepdad and that his teenage sister hates him, as the whole family rallying against him and isolating him as the black sheep.

As for shouting at his 16 year old sister, siblings fight. It happens unfortunately. Unless you know for sure the instance was unprovoked, its unfair for you blame him completely for arguing with his sister. As you said yourself, she says she hates her brother and she observes her parents arguing about him. Whilst shouting at someone isn't right we've all lost the head with siblings and given out to them.

You use going on holiday without him as an example to highlight how he refused to take care of the house in your absence, but could you not have booked the family holiday when he didn't have exams and included him and boarded the
dog in a kennel and had a neighbour to keep an eye on the house?

Some of the behaviours you highlight are extremely worrying such as the aggression, the nasty way he insults you and leaving medication in reach of his infant sister. He needs to see and see quickly when he acts this way it is in no way right or proper or excusable. But at the same time, it does sound like you're trying to tot up every misdeed he perpetrates and hold it against him no matter how small it is. Its hardly fair to lump careless behaviours such as leaving a light on, a tap running, not cleaning a toilet or letting something go moldy in the press in with the other stuff.

As for Facebook and the coke joke, it sounds like he, like most 20 year old males he has a juvenile sense of humour. Unfunny yes, but your sister would hardly have really thought you were actually snorting lines of coke.

He says he wants to make amends, and he has positives in life, college and making an effort with his little sister (someone who perhaps he sees as a clean slate for a relationship for a family member who doesn't hate him). It sounds like you need to discuss with him calmly how he can make more of an effort to get along better the rest of the family. How he can contribute more and what he can do to keep himself in check. But maybe you need to take the rest of the family aside and ask them to include him more and show a little patience with him since he's making an effort.

In short, he is grown man and as such does need to accept that his actions and behaviours have consequences. But 20 years old is still young and stupid. He's in college and moving out may jeopardise his ability to stay there. And if you feel the safety of your family is at threat then you NEED to do what you have to protect them. If he's unwilling to shape up then in reality he probably does need to ship out.

IrishEyes19

Slime Princess wrote: »

I know I'm probably going to get a lot of flack for expressing this opinion but whilst your son's behaviour is unacceptable entirely, I can't help but wonder is he in some acting because he doesn't feel a part of your family. You say his stepfather hasn't spoken to him in years, which would mean that he was a teenager when this was going on. Kids pick up on things that people don't give them credit for seeing. He's clearly picked up on your feelings of not liking him as person and your resentment of him being in your home? Because it very much sounds like he feels this, on top of the abandonment by his bio dad, his non-relationship with his stepdad and that his teenage sister hates him, as the whole family rallying against him and isolating him as the black sheep.

As for shouting at his 16 year old sister, siblings fight. It happens unfortunately. Unless you know for sure the instance was unprovoked, its unfair for you blame him completely for arguing with his sister. As you said yourself, she says she hates her brother and she observes her parents arguing about him. Whilst shouting at someone isn't right we've all lost the head with siblings and given out to them.

You use going on holiday without him as an example to highlight how he refused to take care of the house in your absence, but could you not have booked the family holiday when he didn't have exams and included him and boarded the
dog in a kennel and had a neighbour to keep an eye on the house?

Some of the behaviours you highlight are extremely worrying such as the aggression, the nasty way he insults you and leaving medication in reach of his infant sister. He needs to see and see quickly when he acts this way it is in no way right or proper or excusable. But at the same time, it does sound like you're trying to tot up every misdeed he perpetrates and hold it against him no matter how small it is. Its hardly fair to lump careless behaviours such as leaving a light on, a tap running, not cleaning a toilet or letting something go moldy in the press in with the other stuff.

As for Facebook and the coke joke, it sounds like he, like most 20 year old males he has a juvenile sense of humour. Unfunny yes, but your sister would hardly have really thought you were actually snorting lines of coke.

He says he wants to make amends, and he has positives in life, college and making an effort with his little sister (someone who perhaps he sees as a clean slate for a relationship for a family member who doesn't hate him). It sounds like you need to discuss with him calmly how he can make more of an effort to get along better the rest of the family. How he can contribute more and what he can do to keep himself in check. But maybe you need to take the rest of the family aside and ask them to include him more and show a little patience with him since he's making an effort.

In short, he is grown man and as such does need to accept that his actions and behaviours have consequences. But 20 years old is still young and stupid. He's in college and moving out may jeopardise his ability to stay there. And if you feel the safety of your family is at threat then you NEED to do what you have to protect them. If he's unwilling to shape up then in reality he probably does need to ship out.

I agree with this post. And Im so sorry for your situation, it sounds a nightmare. But he is your son. Your partner in my opinion seems to be of more value to you than your own blood. you are right to be upset and concerned, but you are making a black sheep out of the situation rather than solving it. its time to sit down calmly and tell him how you feel calmly and speak to your partner about his role too, because like it or not, he is a older man and should know better.

Teyla Emmagan

What about family counseling? You can get it via the HSE, though I don't know how long it would take for an appointment.

I really feel for you, your situation sounds so difficult. Speak to someone, call the Samaritans even. Put a strategy in place, whatever you decide, and make steps to see it through. Just make sure your decision is one you can live with.

IrishEyes19

Mr Heavy wrote: »

Fcuk the lazy fcuker out the door. Immediately !

what a lazy attitude to solving something. At the end of the day, your son is clearly really angry about something or at something. You need to take at least one shot at really talking it out, calmly on your own by the way. I find that with loads of people there, people like your partner or his sister who could allow their feelings to get in the way, it could cause an outburst of anger and stop any reconsiliation. Then you slowly repair other bridges.

His behaviour by way is deplorable, there is no excuse. But he is your baby too, he is your son. People can get stuck in a rut, make mistakes, I would wager a bet he feels like he is the only one and no one is on his side and when things get rough, he screams and fights his way through a situation because its the only way he can be heard. Might sound stupid to others, but its a defence mechanism he has probably developed over the years and its become habit.

now the smoking issue and lack of motivation needs to be addressed, Id imagine this could be part of what he is smoking, if he smokes a lot, professional help may be a good thing to look into. I don't want to seem harsh but a lot of people are just saying throw him out, cut him loose, Im sure the situation would be different were it their child. If it were me Id be choosing my son over saving a relationship. Im sorry but there would be no question to it. I would go down every avenue to seek professional help, everything to save that boy, because he clearly is in a very bad place right now and I certainly would not be impressed with how my partner, whose not my sons real father displays such a childish attitude towards my son. Your son is your own flesh and blood.

you should never accept this boys behaviour, but by god, you shouldnt allow such behaviour from your partner towards him. Not speaking for the last few years. Who was a the grown up all those years beforehand.

Faith

I agree very much with Slime Princess. When I was a teenager, I was a typical moody pain in the ass. It frustrated my dad, who's got a bad temper. He'd get annoyed, shout at me, I'd get upset, act worse, making him shout more, etc etc etc. I hated my dad when I was a teen, and went through long periods of not speaking to him. It's only in recent years that our relationship has improved (I'm 26 now). I moved out at 18, couldn't wait to leave, and that really helped matters.

I'd try and speak to your son rationally, if you can at all. Explain that he's an adult now and you think it's time he has his own space, and that you think he should look for his own place. Approach it from the angle of concern for him, rather than anger or frustration or dislike. Offer to help him out with a deposit and first month's rent, if you can because that's the biggest obstacle to moving out.

There are a lot of issues identifiable from your post. How did he feel about his mother being pregnant when he was 19? That's a huge gap, and may have made him feel even more alienated. His stepdad doesn't speak to him. His mother and sister don't like him. While he's definitely at fault for acting out and being aggressive, those are clues as to why he behaves like that. It sounds like you all just need space from each other.

trio

I think he needs to go. Because there's no guarantee he'll move out naturally. I know a family where the troubled son is now 35 and has never moved out for any significant length of time. Has never kept a job, spends all his life on the computer, pays no rent, rules the house, upsets all his brothers and sisters when they come to visit...parents almost at a nervous breakdown.

But they never kicked him out. Kept saying sure where would he go?? They never imagined it would drag on this long.

Your 16 year old will be doing her Leaving soon....it's time to start putting her first. Cos your son is grown, and is in college, and can get a girlfriend. I wouldn't blame her for being resentful, cos it seems he who screams loudest gets all the focus in your house.

LegacyUser

Friend1234567 wrote: »

My son is 20 years old now and is part of our family. He has a father here, that is trying to love him. His biological father hasn't been around since he was born.

We left him behind for a week , we went on holiday, he was doing exam and studying.

My husband loves Me, he is finding it beyond difficult to live with our son. They haven't spoken in years.

What do I do. If he wasn't here , to be honest things would be great. When he is caring, once in a while he is lovely and he tries to help by playing with his sister but shes was making strange with him up to recently. Now at least he will bring her for a walk.

He says he knows how much we dislike him.I love him, Im putting up with it, but I feel its at the cost of my other childrens childhood, and my marriage .Any advice to keep me sane PLEASE.

I am sorry, but this poor boy does not seem to be getting any love from any of you at all. His father is 'trying to love him'? There should be no trying about it. Your son has a stepfather who doesn't speak to him, a sister who hates him, a mother who doesn't like him and you all want him gone from the house.

Is it any wonder that he is so angry? You left him for a week and went on holiday, excluding him from the family. He was supposed to study, do exams, clean, tidy and take care of the dog. That is ridiculous.

He is troubled, clearly but I would be looking at the behaviour of his parents to see the root cause of that.

He does well in college, has a girlfriend and gets on well with the baby, so you have to realise that it is a problem within the house.

The baby made strange with him, they do that. It doesn't mean anything. He left his tablets in the pram? They are pretty baby proof. I would imagine that he thought of this.

You all need counselling I suspect. If you don't, you will wake up one day and he will be gone forever. He will never look back, if you are lucky you will know that he is safe. I cannot imagine the life he leads in that house, trapped in his room, surrounded by people who despise him.

As for throwing him out, where will he go, how will he survive? Will he have to drop out of college and go on the dole? HE clearly won't qualify for a grant or any assistance.

I suspect that you know that you are largely to blame here. You are his mother and you have created a horrible environment for him. We are a product of our environment and he is hateful because that is the way that you brought him up.

Your entire family needs to get help.

If I seem distinctly unsympathetic, it is because I saw this happen to a cousin. His stepfather wanted a family that only included his own children, his mother didn't see anything wrong with this. He killed himself. She allowed a situation to become so bad that he could only see one way out. When your family don't love or even like you, it is very hard to see any worth in yourself.

Neyite

I think I'm on your sons side.

He studies hard, works too, hands up money for his keep, babysits his siblings, yet is treated like an outsider in his own home. He has been abandoned by 2 father figures, and every little thing he says or does seems to irritate his mother to the point where there is a massive row about every tiny thing. Loads of what you listed is nitpicking. And when he gets frustrated, shouting and kicks the shed door with rage at never being good enough for you it gives you more ammunition to "prove" that he is out of line.

Lying in bed half the day and slobbing around in a bit of a mess is absolutely typical of a young man that age. (and you should let him off the hook on sleeping considering he studies and works on top of that) I think you'd have a heart attack if you saw the student accommodation my brother had back in the day.

He is right when he says he knows you dont like him. You may love him, but you make it clear you dont like him. And going on holiday without him shows him he is surplus to your cosy family unit. It sounds like he is lovely when he feels included and part of the family but then gets reminded that he really isn't, and is only barely tolerated and gets hurt and angry.

You are the mature adult here, yet to be honest, you are not really coming across as one. You just want to list his faults, but have made no mention on what you have tried to resolve this battle.

You mention his medication in passing. So he is not only studying hard and working, but doing it while dealing with a medical condition too?

How about getting family counselling? Everyone, with the exception of your one year old baby are to blame for this atmosphere in the family home. I think you all really need to iron out your issues in a calmer setting with the guidance of a professional.

HowAreWe

I really hope you patch things up because the day he decides it's his time to go and find his own place, he may never ever come back and you may never hear from him ever again by the sounds of it. Treated like an outsider.

Ellie2008

I think the way some people are phrasing their replies seem harsh considering that your post indicates that you are in a bit of a state. That said, I agree with the substance of their replies.

OP, try standing for a moment in the shoes of your 20 year old son. He sounds like a bright boy and has obviously picked up on how you feel about him. While aggression cannot be tolerated, as others have said, he is likely venting due to his feelings of rejection. The stuff about letting food go off, state of toilet etc, he is only 20, the next time you go away talk to him beforehand about what you expect to see on your return and about respecting your property. He's only working 8 hours a week and he pays you rent! That puts him miles ahead of me when I was 20 and my friends, my parents gave me money when I was in college not the other way around, although I realise it may be due to your economic circumstances, it might be worth keeping in mind.

The thing with the baby sounds like you are being harsh, he's 20, he didn't try to poison her he just didn't think sensibly.

Your hubby has as others have again pointed out, always been the adult in the situation and if he thought the wisest course of action in the circumstances was to refuse to speak to a teenager, I would question his judgement.

Im sorry to sound harsh, I just really feel for that poor boy and to me it sounds as if he's lashing out in frustration. Might I suggest you try to include him as much as possible, little things they dont have to cost the earth, try cooking his favourite meal etc.

People in college do tend to be selfish - they're young after all, he'll grow out of wanting to lay in bed all day and other such behaviour.

LegacyUser

Well I felt the same in my house. My stepdad totally pushed me out of the way and now, with the new baby and everything, I feel totally separate from my family now. He totally took over and now well, i couldn't care less about my sibling.

I think thats probably how your son feels, and to be honest, he is still your son.