Family

DjangoMc

I was brought up to believe family is everything. Was always brought up around all my Aunties, Uncles & cousins. We all did everything together.

Fast forward 27 years, both my parents have passed. I look after younger bro (nearly 18 now) Great young fella, bit weird at times, but who isn't. He's still a great lad. We have an older brother, who doesn't talk to us (thats another story)

But when your down, extended family aren't there for ya! Simple as. You have these expectations that they will be there, and they are not. When you ask for help, they are busy. Then they give out to you when you have a bad day and say well you should have asked for help you've kept us at arms length. They treat you like you've done everything wrong and god forbid I stick up for myself.

Are families all that they are cracked up to be?

I consider myself to be a nice person. A reasonable person, who gives everyone the benefit of the doubt.

Should I care about family not caring about me? Or is that just families?

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Some are, some aren't. Some famliies, I find, refuse to admit "help" is needed because it's a dign of wekaness.

In your case, I'd advise pointing out that you did ask for help but it wasn't forthcoming. Reversse is also needed though: how helpful are you if they ask?

ManOfMystery

There's no straight answer here. It's not black & white. Every single family is unique, and every single family have different dynamics. Some people aren't close to immediate family, some are. Some aren't close to extended family, some are. Some are closer to extended family than immediate family, and so on.

You just have to figure out what works for YOU and stick with that. It sounds like you're pretty independent and responsible, having brought up your younger brother to a certain degree without much involvement from the older brother. That shows that you don't necessarily need your extended family to be involved in your life, no matter how nice it would be.

Of course, in an ideal world all families would be close and look out for each other. But in reality, if your extended family aren't really there for you and there's no relationship or love for you to enjoy with them, then it may be best to just let it go - you can't really force things like this. Feeling like you're missing out on something with them but never actually reaching that point, well that will just annoy you and torture you for a long time if you let it.

Have a good think about whether your it's worth trying to involve them in your life - if it would actually enrich the lives of you and your brother - or if it's just something you're chasing because 'you're supposed to', as it's family.

jdsk2006

My mantra is to surround myself with good, positive, loyal, happy and focused people......some are family members alright but that's coincidence not "obligation". In fact some of the most important people in my life are friends iv made over the years.
on a secondary note tho i have to say, some of the most unhelpful, begrudging, gossiping and toxic people iv ever come across just so happen to be connected by blood!!!....so called "family".

DjangoMc

I'm helpful to them. Most of them aren't "tech savvy" so I'll help them out when their computer or phones act up. All that kinda jazz. After my mam died, I was there for them. I sat and listened to them cry over her. But when I wanted to cry and grieve, they would quickly try and get out of listening to me (Half understand why, but still)

I tried so hard to keep them involved esp with younger bro, but they just trail off. But I keep trying to keep everyone involved as I brought up that way.

Up until before my mam died I thought it was weird when people where not close to immediate and extended family. It just seems like that half of my family are slowly stepping away.

It's just sad that I always thought that if I ever really needed something I could go to them. I've had to learn to be very independent ManOfMystery, and in a way I'm grateful for being thrown in the deep end. Sometimes you just miss what you use to have with all them.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

listen_lady

The first line from Anna Karenina always comforts me when I think of my own family.

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

DjangoMc

jdsk2006 wrote: »

My mantra is to surround myself with good, positive, loyal, happy and focused people......some are family members alright but that's coincidence not "obligation". In fact some of the most important people in my life are friends iv made over the years.
on a secondary note tho i have to say, some of the most unhelpful, begrudging, gossiping and toxic people iv ever come across just so happen to be connected by blood!!!....so called "family".

Yeah I agree with you there. My older brother is "most unhelpful, begrudging, gossiping and toxic people iv ever come across"

I think its coz I expected them to be there, and when they were not, it hurt a bit. But as you said, surround myself with good people. I already have two, younger brother and husband.

I know the saying "you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family". If I could have chosen, I wouldn't pick half of them

jdsk2006

DjangoMc wrote: »

Yeah I agree with you there. My older brother is "most unhelpful, begrudging, gossiping and toxic people iv ever come across"

I think its coz I expected them to be there, and when they were not, it hurt a bit. But as you said, surround myself with good people. I already have two, younger brother and husband.

I know the saying "you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family". If I could have chosen, I wouldn't pick half of them

There aren't too many people that have the massive, cushy, close and amazingly supportive family.....from what iv seen some big country families like to appear that way but when the **** is flying they cower and take cover for themselves! Any be under no illusion op that your in the minority cos i can well assure you your not

jdsk2006

As for your hurt over it, that will subside and only toughen ya up. I certainly felt hurt initially but its a very liberating processs in the finish. Focus on your dh and bro and build from there

Caonima

DjangoMc wrote: »

My older brother is "most unhelpful, begrudging, gossiping and toxic people iv ever come across"

My older sister, too. Haven't spoken to her in years and couldn't be bothered. Some people just drag you down slowly if you let them.

DjangoMc

It just kind of gets to ya. You trust someone and they just abuse your trust.

None of them can be happy for me. I wasn't even home a full day from Honeymoon when they started at me coz of some very childish stuff.

And now again today they are at me about my older brother. And I'm actually to nice and easy going to say "feck off, it's none of your business".

I just wish I could easily detach myself from them and not feel bad.

jdsk2006

[And I'm actually to nice and easy going to say "feck off, it's none of your business".

Thats exactly the problem op, your a soft target for them! Bite back next time and put them back in their box.....they will be stunned into submission!!

Beruthiel

DjangoMc wrote: »

Fast forward 27 years, both my parents have passed. I look after younger bro (nearly 18 now) Great young fella, bit weird at times, but who isn't. He's still a great lad.

My condolences on loosing your parents Django.
You have my respect for taking on the care of your brother.
Even though he's a grand lad, it must be still tough for you at times shouldering that responsibility on your own.

But when your down, extended family aren't there for ya! Simple as. You have these expectations that they will be there, and they are not. When you ask for help, they are busy. Then they give out to you when you have a bad day and say well you should have asked for help you've kept us at arms length.

Are you very clear to them when you ask for the help?
IE - I'm feeling down and overwhelmed today can you please help me with X, Y and Z.
If you are being clear and they are still not forthcoming, then there's not much else you can do.

As for them nagging you about things, tell them to back off. Don't be afraid to tell them mind their own business.

Are families all that they are cracked up to be?

Some are, some aren't.
Since the age of 19, I have never relied on my family for anything.
I relied on myself, or a friend when the need arose, but for the most part, myself.
I've always said, you can choose your friends, not your family.

Should I care about family not caring about me?

Personally, I won't let it get to me.
Nor would I waste my time allowing this to get me down.
As has been said already, surround yourself with friends who do care.

Learn to find the strength within yourself to help you get by in life.
Know when to talk to someone, your younger brother is there for you and old enough to talk to at this stage.
You have your husband.
That's more than a lot of people.

Stavro Mueller

I think it's simply a matter of your family values not coinciding with those of your extended family. Every family is different, every family dynamic is different. Things change over time. When I was a kid I saw my aunts/uncles/cousins all the time. Now it's safe to say I meet 80% of them at weddings/funerals or at Christmas. It's not that we fell out - far from it - but more that life changed and priorities changed. Naturally my aunts and uncles are going to be playing more of a part in the lives of their grandchildren than they do in nieces and nephews.

Being related to someone by blood doesn't guarantee any sort of friendship or loyalty I'm afraid. I've seen some posts from people here which have been an eye-opener. People whose parents never loved them, people who've got brothers/sisters who hate them...I know of families where the burden of caring for a sick parent fell onto one or two of the children and the rest of them ran for the hills. I'm sure other boardsies will relate to that particular one too - it's more common than you'd think.

At this stage the wisest thing for you to do is concentrate on your own immediate family. Look after your brother, enjoy your marriage and any new family you may or may not have. Accept that your extended family aren't going to provide you with the support you'd like. They are what they are and it's up to you to decide what sort of relationship you want with them. If they start on about your older brother again, shut down that line of conversation. It's none of their business and they don't know all the facts.