Difficult Family Relationship

LegacyUser

Hi Boardsies,

I have a difficult family issue, which has somewhat exploded and leaves me this morning feeling sick, guilty, angry and troubled.

5 years ago my grandfather died. A gent, loved him as a father. In the aftermath I decided to move in with my granny to look after her. She didn't need medical care or anything like that. Despite being elderly, she's no physical major/debilitating ailments (some smaller ones) - but she does appear to suffer depression.

I left my own home (was single), but in many ways to be honest, apart from looking after my granny which I wanted to do, the move also suited me to a degree but was not easy (work wise (moving from another county)) to set up.

Anyway, she's not the easiest to live with, but I do love her, but she makes it very difficult. She's a compulsive liar - mostly little things - the lies are so unnecessary and often relate to trivial things. As time has gone on, these things have annoyed me more and more. I snap at her a fair bit as result and due to, how I feel a little smothered by her at times (always wanting to know where I am going, what time I'll be back at etc...). Nonetheless I feel very guilty when I snap at her (it's her house, she's elderly etc...)

The relationship has become strained in the past 6 months. 2.5 years ago I started seeing a non-national and we are very much in love and plan in the future to marry. We usually spend weekends in my (granny's) house - now we go out and do our own thing, but she arrives on a Friday after work and goes home Sunday. It's really the only time bar a few hours during the week that we spend together. Recently, my gf broke down crying telling me she couldn't come and stay at the weekends anymore, that my grandmother makes her feel very unwelcome and like a slave. I think there's two things going on there - 1. my grandmother probably sees her as a threat and 2. I think there's a hint of racism. I don't believe it's personal, as in I strongly suspect that any girl would get the same treatment.

Anyway the matter has been simmering for some time. But last night it exploded (my gf wasn't there) at a family dinner at my mam's place. My mam raised the issue with my granny to try resolve it and she (my mam) got quite angry about it. At first, I let my mam handle it, but my granny never batted an eyelid and denied wrong doing, even lied about stuff I know that she had done. In the end I got very very angry, I essentially jsut exploded and had a real go at her about everything - I was borderline abusive, which I feel very upset and guilty about. But my granny just doesn't appear to care. She just denies any wrong doing but admits to not liking my GF from day one - with the excuse being simply "sometimes I just don't like people and I can't explain why".

We are not on talking terms as you can imagine but since last night she has rallied other family allies against me - to be honest this doesn't really bother me. This morning though I feel very guilty about shouting at an elderly woman and some of the things I said. I feel upset her though at the same time as she appears just to not care or see/admit any wrongdoing. The whole thing is a mess. My family seems torn on the issue. My mam is disgusted with her but she is very upset at home things developed and the fact that (both of us) had a strong go at my granny (my mam's mother).

But nothing was really resolved either - I don't know where to go or what to do next. It's such a nightmare. I just want to be able to live in relative happiness and have the close knit family that I have been used to.

I could move out of the house, but it will cause problems for everyone, plus the changes I've mad in my life over the past number of years (mortgage on a house on the other side of the country) means I cannot really rent a place (even with my GF) for financial reasons.

I am really not sure what advice I seek I am afraid. I am just so lost.

Sorry for it being so long.

Big Bag of Chips

You're probably not going to like this, but I think it is unfair of you to bring your gf to your nanny's house for the whole weekend. Did you ok that with your grandmother before you started doing it?

By the sounds of it you are living almost rent free in her house. (You say you wouldn't be able to afford to rent somewhere) Your grandmother appears to be a difficult woman. Yes you are living with her and helping her out, but by your own admission, she's not helpless! You moved in with her after your granfather died, more so for the company than anythig else I'd imagine.

As an adult it's a bit cowardly to have your mother doing your speaking for you. You shouldn't have "let your mother handle it". You should have not said a word to her and tried to sort it out yourself with your grandmother.

I think you need to sit down with your nanny and have an adult conversation with her. Ask her would she prefer you to move out. Not in a "If I don't get my own way, I'm going" way, but in an honest "Would you prefer your own space?" way.

If she wants you to stay, then you have to ask her if she wants your gf to stay at weekends. If she doesn't. Then you have to respect that. If she does, then she has to accept that she will be there.

But have the talk. And don't stand up from the talk until everything has been agreed and both of you know what's happening.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You're probably not going to like this, but I think it is unfair of you to bring your gf to your nanny's house for the whole weekend. Did you ok that with your grandmother before you started doing it?

Yes this was discussed at length before. To be honest, I would prefer to spend weekends with my GF elsewhere, but my grandmother will not stay on her own in the house at night. That's the only reason why my GF used to come out at weekends was so that we could spend time together but also so that then we could sit in at night and my granny wouldn't have to be on her own. Generally, my gf has been quite good to her - cooks for her regularly and goes to the shop etc...

By the sounds of it you are living almost rent free in her house. (You say you wouldn't be able to afford to rent somewhere) Your grandmother appears to be a difficult woman. Yes you are living with her and helping her out, but by your own admission, she's not helpless! You moved in with her after your granfather died, more so for the company than anythig else I'd imagine.

While admittedly I don't pay rent. I do however pay all the bills (Heat (which is exceptionally high for obvious reasons, phone, electricity) and do the weekly shopping as well as any maintenance work costs. The only expense my granny has had is the property tax and the house insurance. Money is not the central issue, I certainly don't want to, nor do i believe that I scrounge off her. The costs of moving in with her were much higher than I'd ever receive in return. But as I said money is not the issue and I didn't make any decision for financial reasons.

As an adult it's a bit cowardly to have your mother doing your speaking for you. You shouldn't have "let your mother handle it". You should have not said a word to her and tried to sort it out yourself with your grandmother.

It's been going on for several months and I was getting nowhere. My mam was aware of the situation and the side effects of it were reaching across what is a close family and it is part of a bigger issue that's been simmering with my granny's general behaviour with everyone.

I think you need to sit down with your nanny and have an adult conversation with her. Ask her would she prefer you to move out. Not in a "If I don't get my own way, I'm going" way, but in an honest "Would you prefer your own space?" way.

If she wants you to stay, then you have to ask her if she wants your gf to stay at weekends. If she doesn't. Then you have to respect that. If she does, then she has to accept that she will be there.

I've tried that. I've never threatened her or emotionally blackmailed her either, nor would I. I feel at this stage that my granny will not accept my GF and that's doesn't appear like it wil change unfortunately.

But have the talk. And don't stand up from the talk until everything has been agreed and both of you know what's happening.

I'll try

Thank you for your comments.

Neyite

There is a personality clash here. And I think your grandmother needs space from that. Why not create a rota of weekend cover for your grandmother with the rest of the family and see your girlfriend elsewhere? Would your grandmother be open to this?

Ultimately, its your grandmothers house, and if she dislikes someone, she has every right to not want that person in her home. And as time has gone on, your relationship with her has become fraught with tension. During the week, your grandmother has to put up with you being snappy and moody with her, then at the weekend, someone she doesn't like for 2 and a half days. It sounds miserable for you both.

You want her to change how she feels about your girlfriend because its inconvenient to you to move. But why should she make an effort for you when you are terse and curt to her in her own home, and her own daughter challenges her on it. In my experience, you cant change people, and lots of old folk are set in their ways. She is what she is.

I'd say move out. Its not working anymore. Create a sleep-over rota for her from the extended family so that she is not alone at night but you and your girlfriend need to move on with your own lives away from this house.

Merkin

I'm a real softie when it comes to the elderly but a lot of older people can be difficult. I think you need to move out, and for both your sakes. I think Neyite is correct in suggesting working out a rota with the rest of the family so that your Gran will be kept company but for your own sake and the sake of the relationship it is best that you move out. It sounds like your relationship with your Gran is already souring so moving out would be a damage limitation exercise even though she mightn't react well initially to you going.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

There is a personality clash here. And I think your grandmother needs space from that. Why not create a rota of weekend cover for your grandmother with the rest of the family and see your girlfriend elsewhere? Would your grandmother be open to this?

Ultimately, its your grandmothers house, and if she dislikes someone, she has every right to not want that person in her home. And as time has gone on, your relationship with her has become fraught with tension. During the week, your grandmother has to put up with you being snappy and moody with her, then at the weekend, someone she doesn't like for 2 and a half days. It sounds miserable for you both.

You want her to change how she feels about your girlfriend because its inconvenient to you to move. But why should she make an effort for you when you are terse and curt to her in her own home, and her own daughter challenges her on it. In my experience, you cant change people, and lots of old folk are set in their ways. She is what she is.

I'd say move out. Its not working anymore. Create a sleep-over rota for her from the extended family so that she is not alone at night but you and your girlfriend need to move on with your own lives away from this house.

Thanks Neyite.

It's not that it's inconvenient for me to move as such. I can live with my GF there's no real issue there. It won't be the easiest thing for sure, but it's doable. However, I know I'll be the worst in the world if I do that - leaving her because I have a girl on the scene etc... But maybe you're right, perhaps it's the best of two bad options at this stage, and the rest of the family need to pick up the slack (as in giving up some of their nights to stay there).

it's just so difficult to try do all you can to care for someone and not have any flexibility in return. I don't know, in hinsight, moving in was probably a mistake.

Anyway thank you for the advice.

Stavro Mueller

It wouldn't surprise me if your granny's uncomfortable with the idea of an unmarried couple sleeping under her room. Do ye sleep in the same bed?

I agree though - it probably is time to move on. It's worth bearing in mind that when someone elderly in a family needs help, you'd be surprised who runs for cover. It has been suiting the entire family to have you living with your granny and some relatives won't want to step up to the plate. If you want to be utterly selfish about it, you can say that you've done your bit. And that maybe it's time to move on before your granny becomes more frail and infirm and actually needs help.