Self Inflicted Heartache

Wingforward12

Long time lurker, first time poster.
OK about 3 years ago I met the girl of my dreams on a night out. We had an instant connection and spark unlike anything i'd ever felt in my life. Everything snowballed so quickly and naturally that within a year we were living together and to be honest it was the happiest period of my life. She spoke about children, marriage ect and while it excited me as she was my first love I properly didn't think about them as much. She had an 6 year old daughter who despite being fond of could never say I loved. As time progressed in the relationship I began to doubt the future and as these doubts increased,I changed. I stopped being affectionate, planning nice things, organizing day outs for the 3 of us ect and obviously this had a massive effect on my OH as she tried even harder to rectify things which made me even more withdrawn.Eventually I left last September and broke her heart. I really handled the situation terribly and wish I could remind the clock and do things differently.
We got back together after a month purely down to me feeling extremely guilty about the break up and how much I had hurt her. Very little changed. I was still unsure about the future and had serious inhibitions with her daughter. I didn't feel comfortable doing things with her and often felt useless,hurt and like I had no authority when she misbehaved. She was also extremely jealous of the relationship I had with her mother and it just created bad feeling in the house. So 3 months ago I walk out again, I break her heart again and initially I feel its for the best.
A month passes and then I can't help shake the feeling i've made a massive mistake. I have no interest in anyone else or anything else and I send a message. We meet up,talk till the sun comes up and make love.Its like toe good old days again. We have met up on 6/7 occasions in the last 6 weeks and its the same every time. We talk about the future, marriage, kids, our house ect and basically enter a bubble where nothing else matters. After each meeting I leave her house and she goes cold. Never rings or texts and barely replies when I do so.I know this is cause of the hurt ive caused and shes terrified i'm going to convince her to give me one final chance and then do it all over again. I also know she has been with a few different lads while we,ve been broke up and while it makes me sick thinking about it I think this is purely a cry for attention after the neglect she suffered at my hands.

So as things stand I cant eat, sleep or go a moment without her crossing my mind. I've started counselling to deal with my issues with her daughter and am praying for one last chance to put things right. At the moment she has adopted an out of sight out of mind approach and its over a week since I seen her. How can I convince her things will be different this time? I cant walk away as I know i'll regret it for the rest of my life. She says the pain is still too raw and hopes that with time she can forgive me and our dreams that we even no still talk about can come true. She said she loves me and always will and I feel likewise. Surely if this is the case it cant be over? We have massive issues to overcome but definalty think it can be done. I need to get her to trust me again and I need to make her daughter a massive part of my life. I've told her to tell me if she wants me to give up and walk away and she said she doesn't want that either. So at the moment we're in limbo, she doesn't feel ready to take me back and shes not ready to let go. I can't help feeling i'm making the situation worse with constant texts/phonecalls but can't just stay away and do nothing.Apologies for the long natured post,to be honest I could write a book on the situation.Any advice much appreciated.

judgefudge

You can't do anything to convince her you've changed. That will take time and work on your part. You've broken her heart twice. Any sane woman would be very wary of a man who does that.

She has to think about herself and her daughter. And if you seriously, seriously want to make this work then you need to respect that. It will take time. She's not going to be completely happy with you instantly. But if you make the effort with her (without smothering her) and her daughter then I'd say you have a chance. Just be there and keep your word.

I would wonder what has changed though? Why is it suddenly a relationship you want? Think long and hard about this before she falls for you again.

Wingforward12

To be honest I don't think she will fall again. Just off the phone after an hour and more or less told to stay clear. She said shes happier than shes been in a long time which is understandable as neither of us were happy the last 9 months of the relationship.The funny thing is if I could get her to spend quality time with me I know how to make her laugh, how to make her open up and how to make her dream of the future but it seems the more I stay away the more logic kicks in which tells her shes better of without me in her life.
What has changed and why do I want this relationship?...very good question and believe me one I've asked myself over and over. To be honest I took her for granted,didn't treat her or her daughter right and its only now its all been taken from me I'm after realizing what I threw away.Also for the last 9 months we were together she wasn,t herself and she had certainly lost her swagger if you get me. Its ironic,now we're apart shes transformed into the girl I fell in love with 3 years ago, confident,cheeky and funny. Pretty distraught here, going to keep hanging in but feels like a beaten docket and ive only myself to blame:mad:

CaraMay

Well maybe op you sucked the swagger out of her and maybe ye are just not suited... Sorry but she has more than herself to think about and I doubt she will give you another chance.

Wingforward12

Theres no doubt I sucked the swagger out of her:-(she does seem in better form,just wish id handled things differently,the worse part is we both live in a small town and you can be sure we,ll bump into each other on nights out on a regular basis.To be honest over the next few weeks i,d be just happy to be back eating right,sleeping soundly and just feeling like myself again.Suppose if its meant to be it,ll find a way as it is now my self esteem is at rock bottom and im coming across as terribly needy/desperate which is far from d guy she fell for:-(

beks101

In fairness OP, why should she take you back? What exactly are you offering here? More wishy washy behaviour, more withholding affection, lack of certainty about the relationship and about the child she loves?

She's already given you a second chance and you walked away again. Even at that, you went back entirely out of "guilt" instead of love or a desire to make right with the woman you purport to love; any self respecting woman with a child to think of would walk away and not look back.

You say you love this woman, but none of this sounds like love. It sounds like a case of wanting what you can no longer have, too little, too late.

True love for this woman would mean respecting her feelings, respecting her boundaries and not trying to "win" back her affection because your ego can't stand the fact that you threw away the relationship. It happened; you had your reasons at the time, and in the off chance that she did accept you back into her life again, it would simply be a matter of time before they would raise their ugly head again.

It's over, for a multitude of reasons and this woman has told you as much, repeatedly. Respect her decision, respect her feelings and respect her desire to move on with her life.

Wingforward12

Thats it though last night on the phone was the first time ever I heard that sense of resignation in her voice.Last Thursday we spoke and she told me not to give up on us that she was still hurt and just didnt have the drive to start over again at the moment.I think the more days pass without contact the more definitive she becomes.
As for what am I offering?ive already spoke to a counseller about my issues with her daughter which now seem so petty and trivial:-(I have also promised to try make amends for all the heartache and told her I dont picture kids,marriage ect with anyone else.I realise talk is cheap with me at this stage so its no wonder shes not keen
Bottom line is I ruined it on both of us and now I guess i,m going to have to live with it.Deep down I know shes going to be the one I let get away:'(

beks101

Wingforward12 wrote: »

I realise talk is cheap with me at this stage so its no wonder shes not keen

Well that's just it OP.

Your posts are all "woe is me, I ruined it for both of us, she'll be the one that got away" yadda yadda, but what about HER feelings, HER doubt, HER lack of confidence given your wishy washy actions, HER pain, HER child and the seemingly difficult relationship you had with him/her?

You say "words are cheap with me at this stage", but do you actually understand and appreciate just how difficult it must be for her to believe your words and believe in the relationship after all the empty promises you've made so far?

Do you realize how difficult it is to jump head first back into something that has already ripped your heart to shreds - multiple times - and what's more to do so when you have also to consider the wellbeing of your child?

Give her space and take what she says at face value, instead of reading between the lines and clutching at straws to hear what you want to hear.

She's knackered, heartbroken, emotionally distraught and she deserves the space she requires to process everything and recover from all of this.

heretochat

Have to say I agree 100% with beks.. Your posts come across as incredibly self-centred in my opinion..

You have walked on her and her daughter a couple of times and you wonder why she is cold every time after you leave the house.. How was she to know that you weren't walking away again for good?

She has a daughter who has to be 100% her main priority and I'm sure she wants stability for her and to find someone who will be there for them both. I'm sorry but you don't come across as someone who will fulfil that role..