Am I in love with her???

FERGAL7

I am 19 years old and I suppose over the past year or so fell for a girl for the first time, and what I mean by that is it was the first time I ever felt something real for a girl. not puppy love that I had experienced many times, but a feeling that I just can't describe.

It all started last summer. Both of us had been in the same social circle throughout school but at opposite ends of it, we had always been more acquintances than friend's. then at this time we began to talk a bit more and grow a little closer, I can't explain, but it felt different to any friendship I had prior to this with the rest of the girls in the group. We hadn't been getting to know eachother long until one night I made my move and she was receptive.

Things grew from there for a few weeks quite casually. However being in the same group made it difficult seeing as the people around us seemed to know more about what was happening than us. Because of this thing's became awkward and died down. Since then it has been a repeated cycle of what I just described, things start to happen, it looks good, but then external forces put a stop to it.

In the last month we began to grow closer than we ever have. However a few nights ago she told me that things had picked up with this other guy who she has been on and off with for a LONG TIME, like years. She said that she wanted to give it a go with him and that me and her going further than friends at this moment would only complicate thing's, it broke my heart. I never felt for anyone what I feel for her.

We spent hours talking about it. she told me that she felt bad because I was one of the most caring guys she ever met and she felt really comfortable with me. I felt like telling her that if thing's hadn't worked out with this guy by now it's probably not meant to be. On the other hand me and her have never had a chance to explore how things could be with us, I knew this would offend her though so I didn't.

So I guess there's a few thing's I need to know.
Where do I go from here?
What does he have that I obviously don't?
Is there any hope for me and her?
I feel like I love this girl, but do I really?

Czarcasm

FERGAL7 wrote: »

Where do I go from here?
What does he have that I obviously don't?
Is there any hope for me and her?
I feel like I love this girl, but do I really?

Well that was a bit of a kick in the teeth!

You've been friendzoned OP and friendzoned hard. Have you tried broadening your social circle outside the close knit group and maybe meeting new people that aren't so closely tied up in each other's lives as your group seems to be?

What does this guy have that you don't have? Well clearly OP they have history before you made your feelings known. I don't know if there's a future there for yourself and herself tbh, but don't leave yourself so available to this girl in the future, chances are she'll wear the ears off you about her on/off guy and the requisite dramatics that follow. You're best bet is to make sure you have a full life of your own so that you're too busy to even think about this girl.

As for whether you love her or not, I don't think that's a question anyone here can answer, certainly it's obvious you cared about her deeply, but the next girl you're going to love her too, and the girl after that, and the girl after... well, you get the idea!

You'll have plenty more opportunities in the future to meet plenty more girls, don't let yourself get bogged down thinking about just the one, for the sake of the many you could have!

heretochat

I think there is only one place you can go from here - she has made it clear (however nicely) that she wants a relationship with this other lad and not you. You have to respect that and back away..

We have all been in this position with the one we thought was THE one.. However, as the previous poster said there will be many more of those before you finally do find THE one..

So lick your wounds for a little while and then get back out there..

matt-dublin

sounds like you've been friendzoned OP, you might not have acted quickly or come on strong enough.

regardless of the situation, if she wanted you and you wanted her it would have happened.

you've either been sidelined for someone else (as a backup) or she'd just not that interested.

either which way I would be saying break contact as she's really only effing you around.

Tramps Like Us

I've been there. This is what you do, cut all ties with her, facebook, everything. It will drive you mad otherwise because you think something may happen and she'll enjoy having you hanging around. Chalk the entire thing up as a learning experience, you wont make the same mistakes again.

I could have wrote the exact same thing a few years ago and I wasted so much time pining for her, until I just cut all ties. The slim chance that something might happen, fooling myself into thinking I wanted her as a friend, being a shoulder for her to cry on, it was a horror show and messed me up for a while.

Consider saying to her that you really like her and it would be too hard to just be friends so either you are a couple, or nothing. Expect a verbal kick in the balls as a reply but at least it will end there, you'll have a final answer, and can move on.

Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

karaokeman

OP have you ever tried asking this girl out? As in organized to do something just for the two of you.

You may need to move on and meet other girls, but learn from this if she does end up with the on/off guy, and when you feel the same way about other women, do it the minute you realize you feel that way. If you don't get a situation where you two are on your own, call those girls. The sooner you make your move the better, and it seems you might have waited too long with this one.

December2012

It seems like you waited too long to make a move.

Why did you let your friends get involved? I understand that you're young but if you don't have the confidence to actually ask her out, on her own, as a grown up, on an actual date, then your appeal is limited.

It seems like you've been very passive on all this and didn't actually instigate anything concrete.

Do you think if you did anything now you could get her interested again?

FERGAL7

thanks for all your replies.

Ya I feel I waited too long and was too passive not wanting to seem too interested because, well I guess because sometimes that's easier than putting yourself out there and at my age you think that if you do say what you're really thinking or feeling that it's gonna blow up in your face.
The whole thing of the group getting involved couldn't be helped. It's a small area and it couldn't be helped. I wouldn't even get on that well with a lot of them there's only three or four in the group I'd actually consider friends but.. logistics can't be helped :P

I feel I probably did end up getting friendzoned because we got so close and comfortable with eachother but I was always afraid to make my feeling's known due to her involvement with the other guy and I felt that given their history and that he was her first love, as she was for me it was gonna be hard to measure up to. So I kinda just kept in the fray, but never going in wholeheartedly instead just waiting for something to happen.

I was talking to another girl from the group the other night, a very good friend. She tried to console me telling me I had a heart of gold, was always there for anyone whatever they needed, and had had always been there for her through hard times. She said I was a brilliant guy and it was inevitable that the right girl would come along.

I fully believed everything she said, except for the last bit. There were plenty of girl's before this one but I never felt the same connection and butterflies in my stomach. none of them gave me that stupid happy feeling that word's can never truly describe that she did. And now I just feel that any girl I make a real connection with will end up the same cos it seem's being the genuine guy who'll always be there for you whatever you need isn't what get's you the girl.

I know I can't make anything happen at this moment but I just feel like I'm stuck in purgatory almost, because I want to move on for myself, but I don't wanna think that I'll never have a chance to give it a go with her cos I just feel when two people can spend hours on end together talking about everything and nothing, not caring what else seems to be going on in the world, there has to be something there worth exploring.

But the female mind is a very difficult puzzle to solve, atleast in my experience.

Czarcasm

FERGAL7 wrote: »

But the female mind is a very difficult puzzle to solve, atleast in my experience.

OP you're putting FAR too much of your energy into over-thinking these things. You need to focus that energy on being more assertive for yourself and getting what YOU want, not being who you think a girl wants.

You don't have to be a cocky prick about it, but you do need to be more assertive and when you like somebody, tell them! Otherwise you'll end up being constantly friendzoned as the shoulder to cry on when things go tits up for these girls with their boyfriends.

December2012

It's as difficult as you make it - if you're interested, behave accordingly. If you want to be good friends, behave accordingly. Keep it between the people involved. And that's it.

Wibbs

Look at the word Girlfriend. The girl part comes before the friend part and generally that's the case in approaching getting into romantic relationships. Now many relationships do start off as friends first and lead to something more, but in my experience it's more likely to kick off with romance that leads to friendship(if you're lucky). Put it another way I would know more couples who kicked off after a drunken snog of a night out and are still going strong than friends first relationships. When people are young anyway.

FERGAL7 wrote:

But the female mind is a very difficult puzzle to solve, atleast in my experience.

No it's really not F, not unless you set out thinking like that. I know this can come as a bit of a shock to some blokes out there, but women are people. Yea I know. WTF? :eek::eek::) But they are and as people they vary all over the place. Getting into the mindset of "oh men will never understand women" is setting yourself up for hassle down the line. People can be a puzzle, regardless of their gender.

So I guess there's a few thing's I need to know.
Where do I go from here?

Move forward. Keep your social life up. Get involved with things that both improve you and help you move forward. College/further education/hobbies, that sorta thing.

What does he have that I obviously don't?

She fancies him more than she fancies you basically, otherwise she'd be with you. Kick in the goolies, I grant you, but there it is IMO. It's not necessarily because he's somehow "better" than you either. People can have the oddest tastes when it comes to romance. I knew a guy in your position. Very good looking bloke and the object of his affection had eyes for a guy with a face that would scare small children and the demeanour of a wet cod.

Is there any hope for me and her?

Possibly, but unlikely, or at least not for the foreseeable. She's "decided" on him for the moment. In any event, from your description even him and her being on and off seems a little undecided on her/his part. So lets imagine you did have some chance and something happened. How secure would you be given their on/off past?

I feel like I love this girl, but do I really?

Who knows F, though I would have a rule of thumb regarding love. That is if love is one sided it's not love, merely unrequited feelings. Hard on you though they may be, if you're not getting those feelings back then what's the point for you?

Finally and I know this is gonna sound patronising and I really apologise in advance, but from my old fart viewpoint you're only 19 and trust me your life is barely starting and your romantic life is barely outa the womb. Trust me too when I tell you that although it's a pain in the emotional scones right now you will look back at all this in 10 years time with a tinged with a little and it's near a certainty you'll find it hard to picture her face without thinking hard. Plus you'll have had a few romantic encounters, some bad, some meh and hopefully at least one great one in the interim.

Catari Jaguar

Sorry hun, you're not in love, you're infatuated with her. If she loved you back it could be called love. You have her on a pedestal, maybe being with her wouldn't be so great when she's nagging you or you see her first thing in the morning or she makes you go to the shop for tampons etc.

I don't think the problem is that you waited too long. 90% of girls have you sussed as potential relationship material within minutes. Friendzone is instantaneous. BUT, as they get to know you, it's likely that you could grow on them over time and feelings could develop. That didn't happen here though. She probably cares a lot and connects with you, but it's as a friend. You're seeing things through a lens that you want, rose tinted, because you WANT to feel that there's a chance.

You'll put other girls off if you keep talking about this girl so quit that now.

Don't end up being an ego boost for her, pining away, telling her how great she is, being there whenever she needs, her shoulder to cry on when her on/off relationship isn't working before she gets back with him... I know I'd feel pretty special if I had a little toy like that. (Not that am that way inclined but some are...) Sorry to be blunt, just being cruel to be kind. You need to move on. Best of luck.

FERGAL7

Catari Jaguar wrote: »

Sorry hun, you're not in love, you're infatuated with her. If she loved you back it could be called love. You have her on a pedestal, maybe being with her wouldn't be so great when she's nagging you or you see her first thing in the morning or she makes you go to the shop for tampons etc.

I don't think the problem is that you waited too long. 90% of girls have you sussed as potential relationship material within minutes. Friendzone is instantaneous. BUT, as they get to know you, it's likely that you could grow on them over time and feelings could develop. That didn't happen here though. She probably cares a lot and connects with you, but it's as a friend. You're seeing things through a lens that you want, rose tinted, because you WANT to feel that there's a chance.

You'll put other girls off if you keep talking about this girl so quit that now.

Don't end up being an ego boost for her, pining away, telling her how great she is, being there whenever she needs, her shoulder to cry on when her on/off relationship isn't working before she gets back with him... I know I'd feel pretty special if I had a little toy like that. (Not that am that way inclined but some are...) Sorry to be blunt, just being cruel to be kind. You need to move on. Best of luck.

Thanks, think that's just what I needed to hear