Starting University

cnn1994

I've just finished my Leaving Cert and will be starting university in September. I'm from Dublin and will almost certainly be studying here. I've accepted to myself that I am gay since I was in 5th Year, however I have never felt confident enough about telling anyone. I have two friends I have told (one a lesbian). Both were friends I felt I could trust. However neither are within my normal group of friends - I know them through participation in an activity and thus only see them every now and then. My normal group of friends are effectively exclusively male as I went to an all boys school. I don't have any girls who I know through being in that group that I feel close with.

I like going out with my friends (my normal group of friends that is), however I'm finding it increasingly awkward trying to avoid them trying to get me to shift someone. I haven't shifted anyone since I was in 4th year. Fortunately this hasn't been noticed, possibly because people don't expect it of me - I'm a quiet, nerdy, shy type of person.

For over a year I've told myself, I'll wait until I go to university before I come out to my friends and stop hiding being gay inside me, if you get me. I just didn't feel comfortable telling them when we were in the environment of an all-boys school.

But now I'm getting to the stage I told myself I would come out at and I don't know what to do. I'm ready to tell my friends but I don't know when. As I'm from Dublin, I don't really feel I have the anonymity that maybe people going to college away from home have. Whilst I'm ready to be gay, I'm scared of the consequences. What scares me is other people I know finding out from hearing and seeing etc. Almost everyone I know from school, activities etc. will be staying in Dublin. I really don't want my siblings to know yet - But I know that if I don't tell them while my friends know and others find out, that they will find out as they're in a similar age bracket.
I know now is the time when I am going to college to start "being gay" (in the sense of getting to know other gay people), and I know I can't hide everything within me any longer.

So I'm wondering what advice any of you would have?

Thanks

playedalive

I salute you for having come to terms with being gay at such a young age. Like I was 21 when I finally decided to acknowledge that I was gay. The fact that you're going into college and are comfortable with it, is going to make life a lot easier for you, especially when you hit my age. (I don't mean to sound condescending, but I just wish I acknowledged my sexuality a long time ago. I could have enjoyed life so much more.)

I'd definitely consider getting involved with belongto or the boards lgbt meet up. I definitely found getting involved in the boards meet up extremely helpful and really helped me to come to terms with silly ideas about being gay in my head. Definitely, you could join the LGBT group in your college. I wouldn't be afraid of meeting people you'd know in these settings. If they are any way decent, they should know what you're going through (as they probably are) and will give you the space you need to come to terms with being gay)

I went to a very conservative all-boys rugby school, so I know exactly how you feel. If your friends are decent, they will like you for you and not your sexuality. When I told a friend from school, he didn't expect me to come out but was supportive. People can surprise you, trust me!

McKrab

I was in an almost identical situation earlier this year. All my close friends were guys, came from an all-boy, conservative rugby school and was terrified of the reaction I would receive both from members of my close circle and the wider year group, but honestly the amount of support I got from literally all of my friends was amazing.

And some of these would have been somewhat homophobic in front of me before I came out, but when they saw that I was still the same person none of them had any problem at all. Same goes for the rest of my year, nobody had any problems with me. The only comment was that it was a brave thing to do etc.

So as the poster above me has said, people tend to surprise you. I think coming out gets inflated into this massive thing in your head while you're still in the closet, but as soon as you do it you realise that it really isn't an issue for most people. And nothing beats that feeling of liberation when you get it over with!

paddylast24

The two posts above have hit the nail on the head I think. I was different in that I waited till near the end of college to come out but like that people definitely surprised me. One of my best friends, who I would have considered quite homophobic, turned out to be the best support I could have hoped for an even came to a gay club with me. I haven't had a single bad reaction but that said some reactions are very anti-climatic, which can be disheartening when coming out is such a big deal. I haven't told my family yet though and I think that'll be a different story. I do find it easier being in the country and living in dublin as I don't feel my family are watching my every move but going to college will provide a lot of freedom regardless of where you are from.

As for people you know recognising you on the gay scene I wouldn't worry too much about it. I've met one or two classmates, who I wouldn't be particularly close with, out a few times and it was just like meeting them in any night club. Also chances are if they are out there they are in a similar situation to yourself.

I would definitely recommend going to the boards meet Ups. They are a great place to get talking to normal gay lads. Everyone is just there to talk and is very welcoming. I was so nervous going to my first one but it was great. They really helped me realise that being gay wasn't such a big deal and that I wasn't alone. Without them I would probably still be in the closet to most of my friends.

I hope it all goes well for you!