Please help !

Gone Anon

Don't really know where to start so I'll just blurt it all out...

I'm in my early thirties, virgin, no friends, living in a house share, no social life, no confidence, ill at ease with my looks (goofy teeth, no chin, receding hair, short, skinny), passive aggressive and loner.

Despite all this I have an okay job, reasonable salary and somehow a thin veneer over myself that I think has fooled most people about my situation - at least I hope it has. Because if it hasn't, they know I'm in turmoil and are ignoring it - which is worse.

I can't make friends - just can't. Tried, but can't.

I dream about moving away from Ireland, but can't. (My father is very ill, and my family kind of rely on me to help out at home). I'm not even sure what moving away would gain me as I'd still be the same person that I am here - just living in a different country.

I think I've been badly influenced by TV - I think everyone should have a social life like Friends, that girlfriends are as easy to come by and should be as beautiful as in the TV programmes. That everyone needs to look perfect. That everyone social life is like a Guinness ad.. That your dinner is not correct unless it looks like something cooked on a TV programme.

I've seen programmes from America and life seems so fantastic - sunshine, beaches, winter sports, motor sports, lots of activities and lots of people enjoying them. Look at Ireland - everyone goes down to a dingy pub, gets drunk, eats some crappy takeaway food and goes home. A successful night is not getting involved in an altercation with some other guy. Chances of meeting a girl - zero. Whereas in USA, yes there is bar life and violence, but there are so many sport and activities to pursue that don't exist here or are small cliquey clubs. Plus from my visits there, it seems that people are more open and friendly. I find Ireland to be a bunch of clannish eejits who have their own groups and at my age there are not many openings for me.

I did try one outdoor pursuit but I was put totally off by the people involved, it was so badly organised that I've been put off it for life and will not even consider trying it again (I was not given any training for this activity and hated every second of it).

I did try once to chat to a girl in a bar, she turned her back on me and ignored me. It was very humiliating. That would have been approx 10 years ago now and I’ve not spoken to a girl I don't know since. It's only as I type this that I realise its been so long and that there might be some significance to the event.

I don't know how to improve my life here in order to make me happy. I want to date girls, but I've no experience and there doesn't really seem to be the just dating culture that other cities have. The impression I get is that dating in Ireland is a means of finding someone to marry rather than having a good time with someone (take 'having a good time' to mean whatever you want, I'm not only talking about the obvious).

I've never dated anyone or had a girlfriend. I'm the only singleton at my work. When I do go out I never see anyone I really fancy. I am intimidated by girls because I've not had much exposure to them. I'm scared of being cheated on or rail-roaded into things I don't want to do because I'm so timid and meek around girls.

I've been attending counselling for about a decade now on and off. Obviously it hasn't worked! I am stuck and nothing so far has helped. I'm not even sure if I want help as although I hate where I am, I am comfortable here and know it. I want to change, but I don't like change. Even changing my daily routine upsets me at times.

Why would I not want change, yet spend time and money on counselling in order to achieve something I don't want? I think I do want change, but what I want is not realistic.

In the evening I sit in my room (like I am now, typing this out) alone watching You-tube videos, internet TV, or porn. I don't chat much to my house mates - in fact everyone sits in their rooms too!

I have such low self confidence and in my appearance that I'm considering getting braces (cost ~ £6000GBP) and am taking finasteride/propecia for my hair loss (not sure of its success, but I had a scare with my 'reproductive organs' which can be caused by propecia - yet I continue its use and accept the risk).

I overhear people talking (mostly young people at uni leaving age) talking excitedly about going to USA, Canada, England or Australia to live and work. I get jealous – really jealous. It all sounds so exciting. They know people there earning good money and having a great time. Good weather, etc. Life seems so much better in other places. Familiarity breeds contempt. The grass is greener on the other side.

My family means a lot to me and I could never leave them, but still I yearn for life in another country - like the USA. Is it a real yearning for the American way of life or is it the American dream I want? I don't know. I dream of winning the lottery too. Maybe improving my life here would put things into a better perspective. People say that girls get easily suckered in by marketing and feel burdened by the media to look and act in a certain way. Well, I feel that pressure too. I'm bringing it on myself.

I want to look like Beckham, have a beautiful wife who is pretty and demure yet dirty in the bedroom, etc. Who am I kidding? As I write this I know it is all rubbish, but it is how I feel. I am totally suckered in.

I love my family but at times I feel they are holding me back from spreading my wings. I think in my family (my parents) there is a shame associated about going abroad to work you weren't good enough to get one here. My parents have not spent more than 5 weeks away from home town in my living memory so I don't believe they appreciate the appeal of living in a foreign country. I don't even know if I want to leave. It might be that it seems like a quick and easy fix. That is the problem of living on a farm. Townies will not understand the connection with the land. I love it and hate it in equal measures. Mostly hate at the minute. There is nothing like making hay in your family's own field on a hot sunny summers day. Equally, that same field can hold you back and stifle you in so many other ways.

My parents helped me out whenever they could – to the point of where I feel sometimes that I've not been able to let go and stand on my own two feet. Maybe, it can be construed as stifling my development. I don't know. They meant well, but I feel stunted. Like a young bird not allowed to fly off the nest on the cliff face. All the other baby birds do so, open their wings and fly away, despite the dangers of the rocks below, yet I'm still in the nest.

I get stressed easily and am always worrying about something or someone. If it is not work, it is an ill family member. If not that then it is any combination of what I have written above. It is affecting my sleep. However, I'm not taking sleeping tablets and am trying to avoid them.

I'm not even sure why I've spent the best part of 1.5 hours writing this out. I know that none of you will be able to help me. So why have I done this? I don't know. There is nothing that you can say to help me. Numerous counsellors over a period of 10 years could do nothing.

Yet, every now and again, when things are down I sit in front of this computer and go through this same process and write out this almost identical post on some forum or another. It has been on here many times and it been on many other sites too. Maybe it is theraphy for me to go through this process.

Why do I do it when I don't think you will be able to make the penny drop or clear the fog? I don't know - maybe it is that nice warm feeling when you see that some else has spent a considerable amount of time to write a reply. I really appreciate it when someone replies. It makes me feel wanted when I see that. When you are in my situation and see that strangers care enough to give up some time to try and help you it does give you a lift.

I've tried so may things from fluxotine, CBT, through to God knows what and it hasn't helped.

I so badly want my life to be fun, exotic, ladies, laughter and happiness. However, I also know that is fantasy. Real life is a grind. But surely it has to be better than what I've currently got?

I also know that there are people in a worse position than myself. But then I equally know that there are many many more people in a better place than myself.


I consider myself to be reasonably intelligent and articulate, so why can I not sort this problem out?

Even if you can't help, I hope it will give food for thought to someone who might be in a similar situation or who maybe doesn't even realise they are in a similar situation.

burke027

Firstly and being very blunt know one in real life has a life like you see in American tv shows you need to wake up and see that.on another note u dream if girls to be like u say you see in porn this doesn't happen either.
You have yourself built up into a false sense of what life is.let me tell you I've lived life I've done it all I've being with plenty of woman and it isn't all it's cracked up to be whatsoever.some times of rather of not done the things I've done.if u want to live in a different country buy all means travell but it's not gona be like the movies u think it is.
If your not happy hear I doubt you will be happy there. Why not try some dating sites always a good place to start.
If u sort things out hear then maybe you will enjoy life overseas.I hope this helps

Gone Anon

burke027 wrote: »

Firstly and being very blunt know one in real life has a life like you see in American tv shows you need to wake up and see that.on another note u dream if girls to be like u say you see in porn this doesn't happen either.
You have yourself built up into a false sense of what life is.let me tell you I've lived life I've done it all I've being with plenty of woman and it isn't all it's cracked up to be whatsoever.some times of rather of not done the things I've done.if u want to live in a different country buy all means travell but it's not gona be like the movies u think it is.
If your not happy hear I doubt you will be happy there. Why not try some dating sites always a good place to start.
If u sort things out hear then maybe you will enjoy life overseas.I hope this helps

Not confident enough for dating sites

Anahita

Wow you sound very sad at the moment. I do recognise a lot of your symptoms... the worry, the anxiety, the difficulty with the change in routine, awkwardness in social settings, etc.... it must be very tough.

I'm not saying this to make you feel that your dreams of moving abroad are justified, just saying that I've lived for long periods of time (multiple years) in three or four continents and my problems and issues, insecurities and worries always came with me. As much as the 'newness' of a place is nice and no matter how much you *want* a fresh start,...I'm sad to say you are who you are and all those aspects, good and bad, will travel with you whereever you go. So, in short, until and unless you can find a way to overcome them you will wind up far away, in a new country with no support (Your family) feeling and thinking the same thing you do here.

I'm sorry for your troubles and good luck. I'm going to try CBT myself but I think the fundamental thing is you have to WANT to change which is not easy.

LegacyUser

You have built all these perfect ideals up in your head - life in america, great looks, beautiful girlfriend. None of them exist. Life in america can be as good or as bad as it is here. Yeah there is a bigger drinking culture in Ireland, but there are any amount of other activities going on. People come in all shapes, sizes and looks in every country. It is more about how you feel about yourself that shines through. And girls are just normal people with the same desire and worries as any guy.

You need to stop comparing everything to your dream versions. You mention two events - a badly organised outdoor pursuit and a girl ignoring you 10 years ago. These are just normal day to day parts of life, yet you are letting them dictate what you are doing and thinking today. Your parents are not holding you back. Living in Ireland is not holding you back. You are holding yourself back.

From your perspective that might not carry much influence, and that is to be expected, you can't change everything overnight. But how about plotting some small steps - go for a jog every evening or better yet join a gym. Look into another outdoor pursuit. Approach it with an open mind, accept you might fail but you will take the experience as a positive and try and learn from it. Just try and find something you can carve out a tiny little happy space and build on it.

cypressg

You can change your teeth and your body and the fact that you're a loner.
The rest of it you're going to just have to suck it up like the rest of us and plod along,and once you change the aforementioned things you will start to get more confidence-so then in a year you might find you have relatively decent teeth ,a relatively decent body ,not be a loner relatively and have good confidence relatively(I say relatively cuase you need to stop measuring yourself against american tv show make believe lives for fecks sake.If you got a look into the actual lives of all the 1% people you're comparing yourself to you would find that they are all as ****ed up as you think you are in some way or another,we're all humans).
Go to the fitness forum and ask them how to change your body in the most efficient manner-you will be advised by lots of ejjits and a few who actually know what they're talking about,hire a pro to show you the technical side of weightlifting or you will **** yourself up and not be able to change your body at all.
Sort out a dentist here or go abroad which might be cheaper.
Then you have enough confidence(with your decent teeth and body)to start doing stuff with people-look at the dublin meetup site for ideas-rockclimbing,knitting,cooking whatever,it doesn't matter you only want to meet people and build up your confidence more.
This is the best you can do in my opinion,forget looking like beckham,that's never gonna happen,if you take ten average punters off the street how many look like beckham?Maybe 1?
There are plenty of people just like you and I,stop thinking you're the only one and make the most of what you have and you'll find a nice one.You gotta put the work in though if you want to improve yourself,everybody does.
You don't seem like a dick and seem to be relatively self aware from the little you posted so there is no reason for you to be so lonely.
Oh yeah,and accept that you're going bald and shave your head,those products don't work as far as I know.Bummer yeah but that's life,there are plenty of happy baldy short arses with gf's,I'm one.

December2012

Your post drips of self loathing, that's very sad.

Firstly if you're not making progress with your counselling you should change something about it - the counsellor, the effort you put in, your honesty or the homework - do you ever do any of the "homework" suggested? Are you seeing a psychiatrist, a counsellor or a therapist - maybe medication might be needed.

You talk about getting braces as if that makes you a stupid insecure person. It doesn't. That's part of the problem - you have the opportunity to change something you don't like yet you're self paralysed from doing so and you're looking down in yourself for considering it.

People change aspects of their appearance the whole time, with grooming, dentistry and cosmetics - it doesn't mean everybody's insecure or fake.

Your expectations are too high that you are safe in the knowledge you'll never reach it and therefore your failure is a safety zone. "I want to look like David Beckham, I know I never will, so I won't bother changing any thing about my looks or life because what's the point, I'm going to fail anyway".

You're in a pit of depression.

Good news is you can get yourself out.

"Bad" news is - you'll have to change to do it.

Gone Anon

I appreciate your kindish inputs

cypressg

December2012 wrote: »

Your post drips of self loathing, that's very sad.

Yeah,he says himself he's been totally suckered in,too much time in tv land and not enough in the real world unfortunately I think.
Look brah,no one will judge you as harshly as yourself,you might think you're unattractive but I'd be fairly certain you that you're no lower than average,I can think of a million afflictions that are ten times worse than bad teeth/chin/hair line/short/skinny and many can't be changed.
I wonder how you'd feel if you lived a hundred years ago and tv culture didn't exist and you had no beckham type to compare yourself 2?
Maybe you set your sights to high when you tried to chat up that girl and she turned away?Are you really saying that there's no one out there for you?Look around,there's plenty of people with way worse problems that are happily married.You live in the first world and have a decent job,are probably in the top 3% of rich people in the world.If you're not prepared to lower your ridiculously high standards you could always get a ridiculously hot foreign bride?

Tmeos

I don't really have any constructive advise, I could tell you to join a club try a different counsellor etc but you know all that.
The simple fact is that everyone has things they hate about themselves, everyone has problems, everyone has times when they feel so alone. The location is not the problem, no matter where you are you still have to live inside your own head.
I hope you can get to a happier place but I don't have any answers for you.

LegacyUser

Sorry if this sounds harsh but my advice...grow a beard, keep your hair cut short, get your teeth fixed & grow some balls & start online dating. Even if the first few dates go horrendously, it will gradually help with your confidence (not even just with women, in general). You NEED to push yourself and take that first step.

Blisterman

I'm going to be harsh, but you need to hear this.
You need to get over yourself and actually take some risks in life.

You want to move away, but don't want to leave your family.
You tried to chat up a girl in a bar once, and got shot down, so now you don't do it.
You don't want to get a girlfriend because you're scared of being cheated on.
You don't want to join a sports team cause it's too clannish and cliquey.

All lame excuses to be honest. And this idea that moving to America will solve them is rubbish. People aren't that different. You're going to encounter the same obstacles wherever you go. The thing you can change is how you approach them. Stop acting like it's everyone else's fault.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, it has come to our attention that this is word for word the exact copy of a thread you posted last year. If you did not take the advice from that thread and try to change your life, then I don't see any point in allowing this thread to continue.

Read over the advice offered to you on both threads, and then start taking steps to change areas of your life.

If over a year later you are still having exactly the same problem (demonstrated by a copy and paste of your original thread) then I don't think Personal Issues can offer you anything more.

Thread locked.